I'm just trying to broaden my knowledge & understanding of this subject as I sort through what all to do about my ExGF who wanted kids & I didn't in a new marriage. In short, trying to learn from it all for the future.

Here's my basic, simply put understandings:

1. Most women want to have kids. It is in their God-given instincts / nature.

2. If I elect to be with a woman who can have kids, but doesn't yet, then I'm in for a long-term battle with this instinct / nature. That isn't promising.

3. If I'm with a woman who already has kids from before, there is a much higher likelihood that we can reach a POJA that we won't have more kids since we've both already reached that milestone in life. And she knows the negatives of more kids at an older age, and gives that due consideration.

4. If I'm in a relationship with a woman who doesn't have kids & physically cannot have them and really has no strong interest, a POJA can also likely be reached without too much difficulty to not have further kids - although people change their minds, and a push for adoption is also a possibility.

Please keep in mind, I'm not "anti-children". I have 2 wonderful teenage boys. I'm an active & loving father. I relate very well with kids at church & in my life. I just don't want more at 48. I'd rather concentrate on other aspects of life now than raising more kids.

So, how am I doing with my thinking? Gaps? Further ideas? Suggestions?

Thanks in advance,
High Flight

High Flight


The key word is most women. I've known since I was 13 that I didn't want any and it was key criteria for finding a H. We've been together 15 years now (married 10) and neither of us is going to change our mind. He got the surgery several years ago and we're very happy with our childless by choice lifestyle. I also know another couple who is childless by choice.

So, don't discount the possibiity of finding a woman who doesn't have kids and never wanted them.

Mys

I think it's an age rather than a woman thing. I've noticed that there are a lot of men and women in their late 30's & 40's that have sucessful careers and now suddenly realize that they want a family. Well, I always wanted another child, but I'm 38. I've seen enough friends my age go through fertility treatments, miscarriages, difficult pregnacies, etc. to be turned off to the idea. While I'm not as against it as much as you, I don't think I could seriously date a guy that insists he wants 2 or 3 kids.

This is a major issue because there have to be shared goals for a relationship to work.

I agree with Myschae. Based on your list, you assume that a woman's infertility is more likely than that she doesn't want children. I'm not so sure I believe that.

Yes, the majority of women expect to become mothers. But lots don't. That includes me, as well as several women in my immediate social circle.

More and more women are choosing to live childfree.

I agree with this, but I don't see how it solves your problem of not wanting to deal with kids at this point in your life. If you marry a 35-year-old who has a 6yo and a 4yo, she may not want more kids, true, but you're still going to spend a lot of years helping to raise the ones she already has.

On the other hand, if you focus on women who are mid-40s and up, their children will be nearly grown or they will have decided by then not to have any at all.

Find someone you enjoy. This is but one issue to address. If you can find a large number of women who are compatible enough to date, than you should have no problems sorting through the masses.

I want no more children, nor do I wish for stepchildren. But that doesn't mean I won't date a father. My life could be greatly enriched by opening it to more children.

I have 2 good friends who are childless by choice. Another who I believe will make a great stepparent someday.

Don't overthink this issue.

HF,

I agree with you in general.When I was younger,I did have a strong desire to be pregnant and be a mother.I had my kids relatively young (mid 20's) and I know that no matter who I date now,more kids is not in my future.I am done too.I don't want to start over either at this stage in my life. I want to travel more and see and do things I have put off,so to speak,being a SAHM to my kids,etc.

I honestly do not know any single women who have not wanted to have children at some point in their lives.Oprah comes to mind but I don't know her personally. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think most women will have a desire to accomplish this whereas few don't and are ok with that.I am so glad that I did have my kids.It's been a wonderful experience,and still is.If the OW would just go away forever and find her own family,then all would be well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think I would be more inclined to date a man who already had kids so we would not only have that in common but it wouldn't be an issue for the future.

While I respect people who do not want to have children, I wouldn't bring one into my family as a step-parent. It's too

HF,

I believe this already came up on your previous thread. There is nothing wrong with your choice not to have any more kids. Just don't get involved again with someone who does want kids.

You seem to be very torn about this, as if you need justification for why you don't want more kids. You don't need to justify this. It is your choice, and it is a good one for you - stick with it and don't overanalyze <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

HF, this is so easy.

You don't want more kids - be with a woman who doesn't want them either.

Higher probability that a woman doesn't want to have more kids is if she already has them

If you don't want to have kids and go again from the beginning (diapers/little children taking away most of your day, etc.), be with a woman who has bigger/grown kids
(chose 'a bird from your own flock', re: kids, age, etc)

I was a single woman who didn't have a desire or a particular interest in having children. In fact, for the life of me I couldn't figure out why people wanted to have children. I mean really,,,,why do people want to have children? It wasn't my instinct. In my early twenties I would genuinely ask people why they decided to have kids.

To love you?
To carry on your name?

That's about you..not the child.

I'd done plenty of babysitting so it wasn't lack of exposure to being around and caring for children. It just seemed like it would be very time consuming with minimum rewards for several years.

Luckily, my first husband and I both felt similar. We weren't sure we would ever want or have children. Fortunately our timing was the same in deciding that we would have children. I loved being pregnant. I love having my sons. But, I still don't think it's an experience everyone necessarily has to have or should want to have to experience a full, complete life.

I don't have children. I didn't need them because I was married to one! Now, at the age of 44 the urge has passed me by. Assuming that it were still biologically possible at this age, I would be very reluctant to consider it now. I'm older and have less energy to give to a child than I did when I was 25. It would seem selfish. Common sense dictates that that window is closed and I'm OK with that. I think that my life has been very full without children.

I have dated men with children and men without. Although I find men with kids more attractive because they seem to be more stable, family oriented men, I find it easier to date men without kids or that have grown kids. There are less people's feelings to consider.

Thanks all for the consideration in responding.

I know it appears I'm overanalyzing...but this is a HUGE decision for me. I'm not compatible with a large number of folks out there due to religious values, my career, among other things. Also, I've discovered in my 48 yrs that hasty decisions are rarely good ones.

The Captain in me takes in ALL available information from as many sources as possible before making a BIG decision. We call it Crew Resource Management in the cockpit.

So I'm taking my time to truly think through & understand the whys and why nots. I'm also wanting to grasp the inner mind of a woman on this vs take for granted that I know it all.

Last, I'm thinking through the aspects of human selfishness vs genuine caring & needs met.

Again, I appreciate all of the responses whether I agree or not.

~ High Flight