Hello all, sorry for the cross post, if its not allowed then let me know. I have a thread going on under "Just Found Out". This is a continuation of the same.

I have been dealing with some personal stuff lately and although I wanted to come back to this website to ask questions and discuss issues I just was too entagled in day-to-day.
My wife and I are making slow progress, and as time goes by somethings improve but there are other things that crop up. Some of them are figment of your imaginations while others are created for you by others.
My wife's is coming out of her affair with OM (who happened to be my close friend) and since she never got a chance to end the affair (it ended as soon as she told me about it), she feels that something didnt go well about the whole thing. So now, she asks me (in a very cautious tone) to mend my relationship with my friend and that why can't everyhting could go back to 'normal' again. Which, when translated to plain english is - "Why cant we all forget this and make amends and start our lives the way it was again". And even though she says that she doesnt want any more romantic relationsihp with OM, she does long for his company and that things are not the same without him. This is very troubling to me. On one hand I'm trying to come out of my wife's A and my friend backstabbing me, on the other hand my wife still 'desires' to relive the whole experience which created the affair to begin with.
These are creating big doubts in my mind about her approach towards marriage, commitment, trust etc. and whether she would learn anything from this. She already feels that she did something wrong by going outside the marriage but that her 'feelings' were 'real' and how could something so real be so 'wrong'.
I'm getting depressed day by day and started to really think more and more about getting seperation from her. I know its not working according to the Plan A but that's where I am and needed some guidance.
Thanks
D

the "friendship" with OM is lost FOREVER

he is *poof* .... gone from both of your lives

does OM's wife know?

pep

Dear Shockofmylife,

your story is so much like mine - only I was the BW, not the BH.
But my X had an A with a woman I considered to be my close friend as well.
And I felt backstabbed..
And X and OW also tried to convince me to continue as if nothing had happened..

This total disregard for MY feelings in this depressed me very much.
It was as if my pain was so easily discarded and they just wanted to have all the benefits

I found MB only several months later, and people tried to convince that only NC is the way to go.
With much trouble I insisted on NC & got it - OW was actually relieved at that point that I asked for it.
My X was upset because he missed the fun time..
Yech..
So I know very well how you feel !

My advice to you...
Insist upon NO CONTACT immediately.
Be gentle but firm with your WW.
This subject is not open for discussion.

If OM has a wife or girlfriend - tell her about the A.
Then go absolutely dark - no contact whatsoever.
Make it very clear to your WW that any contact will make recovery impossible, because you'll have to start over and over again to trust her - if she betrays your trust over and over, and the heart can only take so much.

But you should not take anything your WW says at this point too seriously.
She is, as it is called on the MB forum, "in the fog".
She is like a drug addict, desperately trying to get her "fix".
Any nonsense about her "love" and "soulmate" stuff towards OM is just that - nonsense.
She might be very shocked at the things she has said and thought when she'll get out of the "fog".

And how to "de-tox" ?
Right.. no more contact.
Cold Turkey.

Shocko,

""On one hand I'm trying to come out of my wife's A and my friend backstabbing me, on the other hand my wife still 'desires' to relive the whole experience which created the affair to begin with.""

THERE IS ONLY ONE HAND!!! Yours.

There is still an alien being lurking around in your W's body wanting the A or a semblance of A to continue. This is WITHDRAWAL at it's most cruel and sinister.

Dude, you are in trauma shock from your steaming, gaping chest wound, though which your heart has been torn from your body by your W...AND THEN STOMPED ON BY YOUR "BEST FRIEND"".

I don't know your whole sitch, how long married, how long ago DDay, but you have suffered the most grievous double betrayal, and I feel for you mucho.

""started to really think more and more about getting seperation from her.""

Please do nothing drastic for the next 3 months. No separation, no D talk, no moving out or kicking her to the curb.

By the tone of your post, you seem to be numb and (again) in shock. It will take time to get your brain wrapped around this whole life changing event.

And your W should realize very quickly that HER AND YOUR LIFE HAS DRAMATICALLY CHANGED forever more!! NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME!!!

She is in withdrawal and deep in her fog...and you are in shock and numb right now. For her to speak this way to you is wwaaayyy soooo uncalled for, like a raven pecking at your chest wound as you lay there!!

This is the best example of fogbabble we have seen here in the halls of MB for a while. Why not just move the BF into the spare bedroom?

Continue the Plan A but you must let her know in no uncertain words that this...

""So now, she asks me (in a very cautious tone) to mend my relationship with my friend and that why can't everyhting could go back to 'normal' again.""

...WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFETIME!!!

Again, very sorry this has happened to you, but you are in the exact place, Marriage Builders, to cope and find solace and the best advice to assist you on your next step..WHATEVER THAT MAY BE!!

Stay strong and GOD BLESS YOU.

krk

Shockofmylife,

I would tell my WW that I would be happy to mend the relationship with my "close friend". As soon as he and my WW undo the sex that they had. And I would be dead serious when I looked my WW in the eye to tell her such.

Right on Cymanca...ditto.

Your wife wants the icecream and the whipping cream and the cherry too! She has to realize she made a BIG mistake which has destroyed trust and she has to regain your trust. For things to go back to what it was....no way. You have your guard up....which is normal....she to me thinks it was just a silly junior high romance....NO NO NO!!!!! Lets just get on our bikes and continue like it was.

You need to tell her that things will never be back to normal. You committed sin, deceit and there is healing to be started. First you have to have a no contact with the OM. You tell her that she is to write a letter to the OM...with your signature and in your view and send it in the mail. You will no longer associate with the OM....for he is not your friend. You explain to her....NO CONTACT whatsoever, none with the OM. Then I would go into the intimacy. I would state, you had sex with the other man. Do you know that you could of contacted AIDS/STD etc. This is serious allocation and that because of your lust for the OM....we are going to have precautions. First she needs to go to the Dr. for testing...yes...AIDS/STD etc. That nothing may show up for 1 year later. Tell her that a test needs to be done in 6 months again. Also, state that there will be protection sex with us for the next year. For I want to live, I do not want to get AIDS for I want to be here to see the children and to see family and life and not die a long dreadful death. This was something that you created and I need to protect myself.

Also, I would state that you need to state your whereabouts and all cell phones, home phones etc. will be open to everyones eyes. For trust needs to be gained little by little, and this can happen....with the right steps. What has happened...has destroyed this marriage...what has happened has destroyed trust and if you would like this marriage to work...all protection and all the information needs to be out in the open.

I was the one betrayed by my exH who still thinks the sex was biology. I was the one betrayed by my exH as his OW called me and threatened me with suicide if I told her husband. I being a kind loving woman...said I wouldn't tell, but now I wished that I had called immediately. Anywas...I was betrayed by my husband....and he let a crazy woman treat me like crap and didn't feel sorry for what the OW was doing to me.

Your wife is lonely....and in the fog. Reality will hit and she will have to commit or leave. Blessings.

Here are some other details -

I'm 31

she's 30

Married for over 3 years.

OM is not married but have a GF for 5 yrs, whom he 1st promised to marry, then backed out stating that he doesnt believe in marriages, but promised my wife one. He backstabbed another common friend to 'get' this gf whom he didnt treat right at all. I can not believe that I was friends with him. He's 39 yrs old.

Affair started 06/06/06

A disclosed to me 07/22/06

I have so much anger inside me towards him and can not see him more than a low lying scum of this earth. The worse thing is, my wife thinks the opposite. She thinks that she's equally responsible for all this and that I shouldnt harbor harsh feelings towards him. She argues that I was a good friends with him before this and that I forgave her, so why can't I forgive him.
I hope that I overcome him and not give him that much attention and energy... he's just taking lot of my life away from me at this point.
I'm extremely sad, as if I can not overcome his betrayal and that my wife is definitely not making it easier for me.
You guys have been great... given me self esteem and confidence... things that are in short supply these days for me.

Hi Brownhair,
Your story resonates with mine. I dont know if it is easier for a woman to deal with her H having sex with OW, than, for a man to deal with his W having sex with OM? Just a gender comparison... not sure, but, does a man's machoness a detriment for him to overcome his pain? I dont know the answer, but its very hard for me... those images... they give me chills deep down to my bones... him touching her... in our house... and worse, her enjoying it... OMG, sometime I just can't believe it happened to me...

"This total disregard for MY feelings in this depressed me very much.
It was as if my pain was so easily discarded and they just wanted to have all the benefits"

This is exactly how I feel... and I hate to give her impression that I'm asking for her pity...
but its hard for me to have her in the 'fog'... sometime I just distance myself because I dont think things are 'normal', which is what she wants (go back to how things were before)... after seeing me distance myself she feels the pain and desires my company and if I'm not there for her she feels sad... its almost like I have to take care of her even though I'm the one who needs care... its tough to play both roles...

I'm feeling the affect of this damaging event. Sometimes I even have tough time formulating my thoughts. I feel weak, and as somebody rightly suggested - numb.

How did you cope with it? do you, or did you, see those images as well? how long did you wait before your H came out of "fog"?

D

Your wife wants you to restore your friendship with the OM because it keeps him available to her.

The question is not one of forgiveness for what your friend has done. You can certainly forgive him if you like, but he can never be a part of your life again unless you want to risk a repeat offense.

SOML:

Keep saying NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT!

I would like to get in touch with my OW, just to find out what is going on, is she ok, hows her son, the weather, whatever. And then, when I had the chance, I could have sex with her again.

It's that simple.

So. I can not talk to her, I can not send her an E-mail, I can't even talk to her sister. It hurts my spouse to do it. It can destroy my spouse and my M to do it.

Was the OM your best friend? Maybe, but not anymore. He no longer exists to you. If he was a rapist, you wouldn't be in touch would you? Think of it that way.

You have been married for 3 years. You have found MB. If you use the info here, and have the WW learn from this site as well, you have a shot at a GREAT marriage. I wish I knew at the 3 year point what I know now. My M is Great now, it could have been that way for past 12 years...

All,
I dropped the "seperation" word on her today. There is just so much going on inside me that I couldnt take it any longer. It was hard for me that she is still in her own world and is not willing to take some concrete steps to restore our marriage. One of the things I was asking was to move to a different city, get a different job, and start a fresh. I know its a drastic change, but we are young... only lived in this city for 4 years... have no family ties what so ever.
I am also feeling a disconnect betn me and her... we would argue about minor things and will get extremely agitated about each others stand... we'll never discuss things openly, which is what I want... she says she doesnt like conflict and can not deal with it and therefore want to avoid anything that will result in a conflict. Guess what, her affair was a big conflict for me and I can not pass it just because it is an inconvenience for her...

What I am not sure is what to do now? I don't know if it was a right move, frankly I dont even know if it was the right thing to do... but there was no other way to grab her attention... she hasn't said anything yet... both of us are at work and I did it during lunch time... I will call her in a short while and talk to her... do not know what is in store for me... I feel swinging between sadness and relief at the same time...

If anybody could relate me right now please write... let me know what you did or what to expect...

D