Well, you're not alone, LITC. I remember being at the mercy of my emotions, living from them, as well. Felt like a victim all the time...and I was...given I didn't know I had a choice to act, not react.
That reacting was a choice.
Owning our emotions means knowing what they are, why we have them and not spending our waking hours trying to manage them.
First, I acknowledged they were mine...all mine...which helped because of my previous belief others made me have them. See? You're so not alone.
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Second, I believed that emotions were information...they are signals...straight from my own beliefs. No wonder I felt like they were out of control...instead of getting the information, I was trying to stuff information down, throw it out, change it through my desire of what NOT to feel.
(I think you can see how knowing they are your own emotions, believing they are valid, that they are information to you about you goes a long way in how you will feel any given moment...if the information is being accepted and understood, the intensity of the emotion greatly lessens, in my experience.)
Then I learned that stating what I feel, acknowleding the information to myself and DH, which is key to being open and honest (O&H...using "I" statements), instead of "acting them out"...through body language, AO's, DJs, etc...really helped me know they were under my control...as long as I listened, heard.
I had to learn what were the emotions I was experiencing...why did I feel happy when DH did/said something I wanted him to? Hmmm...well, I can tell you that any expectation I have, positive or negative, when proved right used to give me a kick...a validation...so "getting what I expected" was more important to me than "getting what I want."
Most of the happy stuff would come from DH complying with the way I wanted to be loved...which thrilled me to happy when he did (I then felt loved), and broke me to pieces when he withheld or chose not to...getting the reality check that he may be loving me full out, and me not feeling or seeing it was a great wake up call. I experienced the extremes of emotions because of my perception NOT reality. I learned we choose our perception. When we perceive...which goes into our beliefs...we are not being considered, accepted, valued, admired or appreciated...we will experience the signals for those...resentment, anger, pain, fear and sadness.
However, when inside we do not consider, accept, value, admire or appreciate OURSELVES, these signals can play 24/7...and if you're going through an outside source (DH) to get to your own self, that's a trip insuring you'll have mixed signals...because of mixed beliefs.
Learning all the emotions (like 150 of them) helps to identify what exactly you're feeling...anger is a secondary emotion...there is a primary one...maybe pain? Maybe fear?
Could your anger when your H doesn't make you feel loved (I'm shuddering at that and I believe you already know he cannot MAKE you do anything)...be the fear first, jumping up, fearing he does not love you, that you cannot be loved, that you chose wrong...a lot of stuff we have automatically in our head which triggers fears, then anger...and some of the anger can be "He sure better love me! The nerve!" or "He KNOWS what I want and he isn't doing it on purpose because he hates me"...now, is DH making? Naw...our own stuff, under our own radar...is making us feel false information from false beliefs.
Where does that all go? Get your beliefs set...choose them wisely, from your adult experience...
Believe that you are whole, complete, marvelously made; lovable before a word is spoken or an action taken. You are.
Believe you have automatic behaviors you can change...just not automatically...that this process is true maturity, the application of wisdom (which you already have) and know that you are separate and equal to everyone else on the planet.
Because you are.
Sit with your emotions...hear the information and do not act from information coming from you, about your beliefs...which is like playing telephone with what you truly act from...the source...what you believe, directly. Act don't react.
Respond after getting the information, understanding it, and if it's fear-based, hold those fears lovingly, and act to your code, anyway.
You can do this. A lot of the highs and lows you are experiencing are conditioned through decades of living...from not knowing you choose your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perspectives and perceptions...that you are powerful, real...without anyone else knowing you, you exist, are significant...I call this a lot of noise in us...from us, about us...and we keep looking outward at others to show us clearly who we are because of the noise and mess inside. Cleaning up is as simple as knowing you may have a mess right now but cannot be one.
Your human power and choice remain...as well as your human limits.
LA
