Old timer here! Haven't posted in some years. Back in 9/00, my ex and then 4 year old daughter were allowed by a kangaroo court to move to CT 125 miles from where I now live in NJ. Besides every other weekend, the agreement allowed for one weekday evening visit per week at a midway point (logistically impossible). Yesterday, I was within 10 miles of where daughter and ex live on business. I had arranged 2 days in advance with ex to meet w/daughter at a restaurant I selected, about 15 miles from their home. The day I was to meet and have dinner with now 10 year old daughter, ex leaves a message saying if I don't pick her up at her home and bring her back to her home the deal is off. Mind you, this involves an additional 1 hour of travel in the direction opposite from where I travel to go back to NJ.

I have spent weekends in my daughter's neck of the woods for swim meets, birthday parties that she otherwise would've missed, Brownie functions, dance recitals, etc...I have also sacrificed part of many weekends when she had other functions on Friday evening/Sat morning (sleepover parties...). My ex is very unaccommodating on the rare times that I have things in NJ that I'd like my daughter to attend. She basically does not foster a relationship for us. D has mentioned that Mommy told her things like "daddy can see you every Wednesday, but he doesn't want to come see you". D has even referred to the "agreement".

I have never had a weekday visit with my daughter. It is not fair to the child to have to travel so far on a school night for a 1 hour visit. It's funny that that was my argument about her move. When I tried to make the weekday thing happen, she wouldn't based on that very argument. The arrangement was acceptable by a judge. Ex has never had to make the trek on a weekday (about 65 miles each way for her). I work in NYC and have a 1:15 commute each way. So there I am, within 15 miles of her abode and she reneges on the deal. Her thinking is probably the following:

"He came here on business, not to see his daughter, let him do all the driving", or, just that she wanted to thwart the dinner venue, and the time that I proposed just to be difficult.

Anytime I propose plans, it's ONLY on terms and conditions AMENDED by her, and believe me, she has the final say. She calls all the shots, her way or the highway.

The one that's being hurt by all of this is my daughter.

Her mother is a sociopathic maniac.

I used to let her get away with changing the rules, but this led to her taking more and more liberties, "get away with it once, you can get away with it again."

Going a legal route doesn't make sense.

Any ideas on how to butter up satan? I still smell the sulphur. Am I supposed to cave in to her conditions, demands, and wishes all the time?

Would love to hear from any old timers who might remember me.

I have a ten year old daughter. My husband would travel to the ends of the earth for her and never think twice about it regardless of who or what put the miles between them. But then we have been happily married for thirty years. Maybe that is why.

Hello, I remember you, and still drive by your old house and think of you.

Did you go pick your daughter up or just forget about the visit? I hope you still saw DD.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I could see my X thinking the same thing.
Your X is likely upset that you don't bother any other weekday time, so why should she be bothered when you wish (and to your demands about place).

Don't let your X impede on your relationship with your DD. Find alternatives, like more time in the summer to make up for your missed weeknights.

My X took me to court this year because of a 25 mile drive, after a mediator told him he didn't stand a chance. He lost, and he refused to consider many other options which would have benefitted him and the girls. BTW, do you take DD to the girl scout father/daughter dances? My X couldn't be bothered.

Be the dad you want to be for your daughter. At 10, she is capable of calling and emailing you.

I hope life is going well for you.

Newly,

Thanks for thinking of me. The old neighborhood sure has changed! Firstly, I don't think you can appreciate the logistical difficulty of 125 miles of separation between me and D; is it fair to have D do 2 hours+ of travel one weeknight a week for a 1 hour dinner meeting? EX is not upset that we don't do this, although she would have everyone believe otherwise. For me to do the weeknight visitation would require leaving work 2 hours early to get to meeting place at a time that would allow for D to get home, be bathed and get to bed at reasonable hour. The distance puts me out of touch with her day to day schoolwork. I have contact with teachers, but never get to see any of her assignments and there is a school policy of no homework over the weekend (crazy!).

Yes I have attended brownie dances.

Was it sooooo much to have the choice of where to have the visit? The place I wanted to go is 4x closer than the location where weekday visits are supposed to occur anyway. Can't EX be more understanding and accomodating given all the foregoing? D likes steak, so I wanted to go to Ruth's Chris, best steaks bar none! Ex's mission is to throw a monkey wrench into what WE wanted to do for OUR visitation. D is smart and knows ex's MO without anyone telling her.

Do you know what it's like to have a weekend visit for Brownie dances, swim meets etc. while living out of a hotel room? It's absolutely demoralizing. Why can't ex's who've taken flight with children such distances understand these matters and be accomodating? THE PLACE WE WANTED TO VISIT WAS 4X CLOSER THAN THE DESIGNATED MEETING PLACE!

And how can ex discuss a visitation agreement with a 10 y.o. and make me out to be the bad guy when it was ex who chose to move so far away? I don't discuss such matters with D nor do I berate her mother; she is smart enough to figure it out herself.

Anyway, sounds like your ex is still a cramp. At least he's close enough to see the kids when he can.

So, did you pick her up and take her out that night? You didn't say.
I know the NYC commute is brutal, I could not do it with my sitch.

Backward logic. X doesn't care that it is 4 x closer than the real weekday point because those visits don't happen anyway. Yes, it would have been the right thing to do. She chose not to do it.
I've asked my X to drop off the kids at the 1/2 way point, and he's refused. He said "I'll just take them to your house". But duh, I'm not there. And he loses time with the kids. His loss.

BTW, I certainly didn't mean your X was right.
I do the best I can to keep X involved. He chooses not to communicate with me. I also pack all of the kids papers with their clothes for him to see, so that if he opens the bag, he can see their schoolwork.

My X still won't care for the kids when I go on overnight business trips. And though I ask him every time (one night a month), he apparently would still rather pay 1/2 of a sitter than spend time with his kids.

No, I did not pick her up; it was a hard decision that I have mixed feelings over. A Quinnipiac poll of those close to me approves my decision 63.7% for and 36.3% against; the poll has a margin of error of plus/minus 4%.

Message to pieta,
What experience to have with this? Being you are happily married, you don't know how hubby would react in circumstances like mine; I'm sure most happily married women would say the same thing as you. God bless.

I think you added fodder to her cannon. Granted, it would have been nice if she had been accomodating. What statement did your choice make to your daughter?

On second thought, can you document these things and request that the courts address her lack of compliance with the terms of the decree/agreement?

"D has mentioned that Mommy told her things like "daddy can see you every Wednesday, but he doesn't want to come see you". D has even referred to the "agreement"."

This is a hallmark of Parental Alienation Syndrome. I would read up, talk to your lawyer, and proceed with modification/resumption of your rights as a parent before she completely alienates your child from you.

PAS is now recognized by the courts and social services in Canada and the US, and blatant offenders have found themselves losing custody to the victim parent, and awarded supervised visitation.

Your wife may be a "naive alienator", which is where most alienators fall. For more information, try this link:
http://www.parentalalienation.com/PASdirectory.htm

Also, you might like to read a book called, "Divorce Poison", the author's name is Dr. Warshak, but I can't remember his first name right now. Lots of good advice there.

I feel terrible for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Wishing you good luck at getting this turned around. Your relationship with your child is precious -- not only should you do what you can, but also make sure your ex doesn't do what she shouldn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There is quite a bit of evidence that the inventor of PAS supports pedophilia, and PAS is not a recognized psychiatric disorder. Much of what Gardner has written is self-published and little or none of it has appeared in peer-reviewed medical journals.

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/gardnerresponds.htm

Your daughter is lucky to go to a school that does not allow homework over the weekend. Children need time to be children, and not spend their lives doing busywork, busywork which takes away from family time.

Have you considered moving closer to your daughter? Not only would it be good for her (the important reason), but it would have the added benefit of annoying your ex-wife.

As it stands now, if your wife decided to move to Seattle, she probably could. If you lived in the same state, it would make that less likely.

As Cinderella says, your daughter will watch your actions and hear your words.
My girls are younger, and yet the youngest has said "daddy says he wants more time with us, but he never takes any".
I wish I were as smart as they are sometimes. I so wanted to believe the words, but the actions don't follow.
I think I am in an extreme situation where X states wanting the kids, and yet, as I fly north today, I had to find a sitter to watch my kids overnight yet again.

No matter what, make sure your daughter knows how important she is to you.

Thanks everyone for your input. Regarding the message to my very astute daughter, I can tell you this. When she had been witness or was aware of conflict in the past, she got very quiet with me on the phone. However, after this unfortunate incident, she was chirping like a bird to me.

Newly, by the way, she did spend six (6) weeks in NJ this summer, had a great stay riding the train with me each day and going to a great day camp in Tribeca. She needs to be exposed to more than the vanilla brand down east yankee CT.

J

Please refer to the following respected sources:
Parental Alienation Syndrome - articles
Comprehensive review of the literature about PAS - essential reading
Rand, Deirdre C; The spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome (part 1), American Journal of Forensic Psychology, (1997) 15 (3) p 23-52
Rand, Deirdre C; The spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome (part 2), American Journal of Forensic Psychology, (1997) 15 (4) p39-92
other articles
Cartwright, Glen F. Expanding the Parameters of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The American Journal of Family Therapy. (1993) 21(3) p 205

Dunne, John ; Hedrick, Marsha The Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Analysis of Sixteen Selected Cases. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. (1994) 21 (3/4) p21


Gardner, Richard A. Legal and Psychotherapeutic Approaches to the Three Types of Parental Alienation Syndrome Families: When Psychiatry and the Law Join Forces. Court Review. (1991) 28 (1) p 14


Gardner, Richard A. Addendum to: The Parental Alienation Syndrome: a guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals; (1992)


Lund, Mary A Therapist's View of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Family and Conciliation Courts Review. (1995) 33(3) p308


Palmer, Nancy Rainey Legal Recognition of the Parental Alienation Syndrome. The American Journal of Family Therapy. (1989) 16(4) p361


Price, Joseph L.; Pioske, Kerry S. Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Developmental Analysis. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health (1994) 32(11) p9

This systematic denigration by one parent of the other, with the intent of alienating the child, is a symptom of depression and dependence. Other articles devoted entirely to PAS
Palmer, N.R. (1988), Legal Recognition of the Parental Alienation Syndrome. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 16(4):361-363.
Goldwater, A. (1991). Le syndrome d'alienation parentale (in English). In Developpements recents en droit familial (pp. 121-145). Cowansville, Quebec:Les Editions Yvon Blais.

Levy, D. (1992), Review of parental alienation syndrome: a guide for mental health and legal professionals. American Journal of Family Therapy, 20(3):276-277.

Cartwright, G.F. (1993). Expanding the Parameters of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 21(3):205-215.

Dunne, J. and Hedrick, (1994), The Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Analysis of Sixteen Selected Cases. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 21(3/4):21-38.

Lund, M. (1995), A therapist's view of parental alienation syndrome. Family and Conciliation Courts Review, 33(3):308-316.

Walsh, M. R. and Bone, J. M. (1997), Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Age-old Custody Problem. The Florida Bar Journal, LXXI(6):93-96.


Publications that focus significantly on PAS
Huntingon, D. S. (1986), The forgotten figures in divorce, and fatherhood: the struggle for parental identity.

Lampel, A. (1986), Post-divorce therapy with high conflict families. The Independent Practioner, Bulletin of the Division of Psychologists in Independent Practice, Division 42 of the American Psychological Association, 6(3):22-6.

Jacobs, J. W. (1988), Euripidies' Medea: a psychodynamic model of severe divorce pathology. American Journal of Psychotherapy, XLII(2):308-319.

Johnston, J. R. and Campbell, L. E. (1988), Impasses of Divorce: The Dynamics and Resolution of Family Conflict. New York: The Free Press.

Blush, G. J. and Ross, K. L. (1990), Investigation and case management issues and strategies. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations. 2(3):152-160.

Wakefield, H. and Underwager, R. (1990), Personality characteristics of parents making false accusations of sexual abuse in custody disputes. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations, 2(3):121-136.

Ross, K. L. and Blush, G. J. (1990), Sexual abuse validity discriminators in the divorced or divorcing family. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations, 2(1):1-6.

Thoennes, N. and Tjaden, P. G. (1990), The extent, nature, and validity of sexual abuse allegations in custody visitation disputes. Child Abuse & Neglect, 12:151-163.

The California Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Law: Issues and Answers for Health Practitioners. State of California, 1991.

Clawar, S. S. and Rivlin, B. V. (1991), Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children. Chicago, Illinois: American Bar Association.

Wakefield, H., and Underwager, R. (1991), Sexual abuse allegations in divorce and custody disputes. Behavioral Sciences and the Law, 9:451-468.

Patterson, D. (1991-92), The other victim: the falsely accused parent in a sexual abuse and custody case. Journal of Family Law, 30:919-941.

Maccoby, E. E. and Mnookin, R. H. (1992), Dividing the Child: Social and Legal Dilemmas of Custody. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Rogers, M. (1992), Delusional disorder and the evolution of mistaken sexual allegations in child custody cases. American Journal of Forensic Psychology, 10(1):47-69.

Ceci, S. J., and Bruck, M. (1993), Suggestibility of the child witness: a historical review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3):403-39.

Johnston, J. R. (1993), Children of divorce who refuse visitation. In Nonresidential Parenting: New Vistas in Family Living. ed. Depner, C. E. and Bray, J.H. London: Sage Publications.

Rand, D. C. (1993), Munchausen syndrome by proxy: a complex type of emotional abuse responsible for some false allegations of child abuse in divorce. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations, 5(3)135-55.

Sanders, C. H. (1993), When you suspect the worst: bad- faith relocation, fabricated child sexual abuse and parental alienation. Family Advocate, winter:54-56.

Ward, P. and Harvey, J. C. (1993), Family wars: the alienation of children. New Hampshire Bar Journal. March:30.

Garrity, C.B. and Baris, M.A. (1994), Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce. New York: Lexington Books (an Imprint of Macmillan, Inc.).

Guidelines for Child Custody Evaluations in Divorce Proceeding (1994).American Psychologist, 49(7)677-680.

Hysjulien, C., Wood, B., and Benjamin, G.A.H. (1994), Child custody evaluations: a review of methods used in litigation and alternative dispute resolution. Family and Conciliation Courts Review, 32(4):466-489.

Stahl, P.M. (1994), Conducting Child Custody Evaluations: A Comprehensive Guide. London: Sage Publications.

Turkat, I.D. (1994). Child Visitation Interference in Divorce. Clinical Psychology Review, 14(8):737-742.

Ehrenberg, M. F. and Elterman, M.F. (1995), Evaluating allegations of sexual abuse in the context of divorce, child custody and access disputes. In True and False Allegations of Child Sexual Abuse: Assessment and Case Management. ed. Ney, T. New York: Brunner/Mazel Publishers.

Jones, M., Lund, M. and Sullivan, M. (1996), Dealing with Parental Alienation in High Conflict Custody Cases, Presentation at Conference of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, San Antonio, Texas.

Mapes, B. E. (1995), Child Eyewitness Testimony in Sexual Abuse Investigations. Brandon, Vermont: Clinical Psychology Publishing Co., Inc.

Turkat, I. D. (1995), Divorce related malicious mother syndrome. Journal of Family Violence, 10(3):253-264.

Adams, J. K. (1996), Investigation and interviews in cases of alleged child sexual abuse: a look at the scientific evidence. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations, 8(3/4):120-138.

Lampel, A. (1996), Children's alignment with parents in highly conflicted custody cases. Family and Conciliation Courts Review, 34(2):229-239.

Campbell, T. W. (in press), Psychotherapy with children of divorce: the pitfalls of triangulated relationships. Psychotherapy

Clancy, Patrick, Attorney at Law, http://www.accused.com

I'm glad to hear you had your daughter more. The children get it. They know when their parents want them, and when they don't.
I was lambasted last night because the girls are in Girl Scouts. Which means that X needs to pick DD up from a different place this Friday so she can go to the apple orchard. What a bad parent am I! If it were up to my X, my children would be involved in nothing at all. They'd be sitting in aftercare and not going on field trips or service activity.