I have this strange but strong desire to send him some sort of "congratulations - I'm genuinely happy to hear that you have found someone to love and be loved by, and wish you all the happiness in the world" card or note. I suspect he's feeling a little wierd about hiding the fact that he's getting married, and I'd like to just somehow be nice and wish him well.

Is my heart in the right place? Would you want to receive a card like that?

Maybe I should just send them both a congratulations on you new marriage card? Or would it come across as sarcastic and mocking, no matter the card selection?

Part of me suspects I ought to stay completely out of his/their lives, and leave things alone. But I am still not sure what to do.

I think that if I was getting remarried, a simple "congrats, I wish you well card" from him would be a pleasant thing to receive.

I'm just curious what others who've been in similar situations think.

Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Since you're not sure what to do.....let it go. You mentioned that he's "hiding the fact". Doesnt that give you a clear indication that your interest is not wanted?

Your "extra greeting" won't make or break their day. If it's perceived as sarcastic or intrusive it could put a damper on things.

I don't know, Jen. I think a personal note to him may be nice.

Dear X, I hear you're getting married, and I'd like to extend my congratulations and wish you all the happiness int he world.

Sincerely,
Y.

It may give you closure and I think he might feel at peace that you have let go. But only do it if you are completely sincere.

Jen, Not sure what I would do.. but then again I am in constant contact with my ex - cuz of children... but I think that if I was in your situation and I didn't have to talk to him - at all ever ... I would leave it be.... start new... he is in the past - if you want to get a card and write it out - do it but don't send it... why bother....

I'm sincere about wishing him happiness....but "she" is a whole other story...my bitterness over her actions during our marriage has not yet gone away completely.

I wouldn't send the note for them to receive it on their wedding day, I'd do it after the fact. I feel that sending it on the day would be like me interfering with "their" day.

Jen

I would leave it alone............let it go........move on.

JMHO

I too would skip on sending the note. Although I'd be thrilled if my ex were to get married, I wouldn't acknowledge it.

JMHO

IMHO it appears that this action (sending a card) would benefit YOU...It would make YOU feel better. I did many things that others would tell me not to do for my WH - but my IC said if it made ME feel good and I wasn't doing it for his benefit or becoz he asked me to - then do it.

I'd say buy the card, fill it out and mail it to yourself or a friend.I wouldn't mail it to "them". First glance they may say "that was nice of her" then they may turn it around to something ugly.

I wouldnt' give either of them the benefit that I even knew they were getting M or that I gave a crap either way.

Hugs

I have resorted to leaving a message on my ExH's voicemail at work (at a time I know he's not there) for similar sentiments. That way, you're not intruding on his time, there's no expectation for conversation give & take, he doesn't have to explain it to someone else, and yet you get to say what you wanted. Keep it simple, though. I find when I start ad-libbing, I sometimes say more than I want/need to.

My story on this is I would send him a card if you want to out of your heart. Yes, don't send it on his wedding day, send it after. And make it short and to the point and let it go. He is hiding the fact that he is getting married to the OW, that is his problem. When/if my ex gets remarried, I will send him a card after his wedding with best of wishes and it will be short and to the point. The same if I were to get remarried. Of course I would notify him that I am getting married. My ex was the one who had the affair and the OW is now gone out of his life. So who he should select will be totally out of the marriage breaker story.

To acknowledge his marriage would be what the Lord would want you to do. Sending it after his wedding day would be appropriate. This I believe would put some closer in your heart. Just my thought. Blessings.

If it's sincere, then follow your heart. If not, let it go.

I went so far as to buy a card, and practice writing a few possible remarks to write inside the card, and then I was struck by the fact that the only reason I know he got married on Saturday is because I discovered their names on a gift registry with the wedding date....he didn't tell me he was getting married....sending the card would likely only be seen by him/them as carrying the message, "Ha, you can't hide from me, I know what you're doing."

He has tried to hide facts from me about changes in his life before, and even has chosen to not let me know when members of his family are ill or pass away. His lack of communication is probably something I was unconciously trying to fly in the face of - I was probably trying to yet again say, look, I will be an adult about things here and communicate in a respectable way - but he just doesn't have it in him. I just don't understand his refusal to communicate even minimal details. I have to read the obituaries every day, just in case something happens to one of his elderly relatives that once was such a huge part of my life.

Anyways, my decision is to not send a note or card. I've figured out that my motivation, although in part sincere, is probably really mixed up in the fact that he has hidden the fact that he is getting married, when he had ample opportunity to tell me that fact the last 2 times we saw each other, once at my father's funeral, and once at a public event.

Jen

Good for you Jen it is over... and you don't have to think about him anymore... I know I give my exhusband way more consideration then he would ever think of giving me... ever... try to concentrate on something else... like dating finding someone new... good luck...

Yeah, that's the challenge, try to concentrate on something else.....when everyone around me seems to be in a relationship, or asking if I've met someone yet, like that's the single-most important thing a woman can do.....and I can't seem to meet anyone....and because of this, my stupid brain always wanders back to thinking of him.

There's part of me that feels like I'm a less worthwhile person because I can't seem to meet someone. Then my brain says, yeah, buy you were happily married for years, so there's proof that you're relationship worthy at least to a certain extent, even if he did discard you for someone else....

Why is it so darn difficult to meet someone I'm compatible with? Everyone who is single and in my vicinity is either way too old (I'm talking 10-20 years older, with grown kids), has no desire to have kids (that's one of my main goals in life), is way too short (I'm a giant at 5'10"), or too young (like 5-7 years younger) and freaked out by the fact that I'm divorced?

Enough of my rant, I'm just sick of being single, or rather sick of being harrassed about being single, or rather sick of feeling like a bit of a failure because I am single.

Jen