It's only been a week of NC. I feel empty. He hasn't emailed or called either. It was something to look forward to even if he's emails were nasty and negative.

I met with H's sister (we're friends) today and she didn't have any updates on the H. She usually brings up the H in the conversation. I don't want her to choose sides, it is her brother, no matter how bad the situation is she should side with him (but so far she sides with me). She did say that he is having his annual Halloween Party. It sounds like his life is going on as normal, just without me.

I was going to make up a story (to tell H's sister) of dating someone, just so it may get back to H. Any suggestions on that, good/bad idea or don't bother?

I told my situation to a neutral party yesterday (a minister) and he couldn't believe that I was just waiting for WH to return. He said that I should fight for my H and my marriage. I agreed, but how? I feel that I need to do something to get his attention, but what? Or is it really just a wait for him to clear the fog situation?

Is it time to send Plan B letter?

Please look over and let me know any suggstions.

I’ve had some really tough days since you decided to leave us, as you know. My love for you is so deep that I just don't want to face the possibility of my life without you in it. I expected to be married to you for life, and despite all our recent challenges, I remain committed to that goal. I thought that we would get through the tough times, together. I've been doing some thinking, and I now realize that I have been trying to hold on to you against your will. Obviously, that isn't possible, given the relationship you're now in.

When I think about when we met and our first years together, I know that you married me of your own free choice. I didn't blackmail you or twist your arm. You made your decision without any pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and I see now, I have no choice but to let you go. I know now that I can't force you to stay now any more than I could have made you marry me if it wasn't what you wanted. You are free to go.

As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that I have made in the past and want to make our marriage stronger and closer than ever. With all my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you, a marriage in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished honored and needed. I just can't continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with her. It's too painful. The marriage can only be rebuilt, when you completely end your affair.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. If you never contact me again,
I will accept your decision. I do not wish for your bond with the kids to suffer, you can always stay in contact with them. If you have any emergency matters, please contact me via Stephanie.

I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I don't want to end up filled with hate and resentment for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the enormous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with her. I simply cannot be in contact with you knowing that you and she are together. This separation is only to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery. This entire experience has been incredibly painful, but I’m going to make it.

We had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared.

Should you decide that you want to reconcile, I remain open to that possibility, and I hope somewhere in your heart you will too. Other families get through this, and I know we can also. I don't ever expect to 'fix' our marriage, all I ask is a chance at a new relationship with you. My only requirement for when you do return is to end all contact with the person you are seeing now, and be willing to commit to me and the kids. I realize now that sobriety must be your choice, and I have no right to ask that of you, now or in the future.
I love you, k

I've re-read some of my H's emails and I'm starting to think that this is pointless. Yes I want my H and marriage, but his responses are so negative. Please give me advise.

Here are some of his negative reactions:

10/06/06 Who is representing you?? The marriage is over and was over and has witnesses to the day I left. Anything there after is not considered adultery. You need help, you are sick and this is a prime reason why I can't trust to meet with you! Md state law only will SPEED up the divorce but will NOT grant you any extras from you false accusations. I feel very sorry for you that you have sunk this low only to prove what a pathetic and controlling person you are and have been."
10/06/06 "Your reaching! I understand that you have been emailing and harrassing my freinds to see if anyone knew of an affair. There was never an affair Kim. The reason I left is for the same reason why you don't get it still now cause you don't listen!! You keep making this worse and uglier. I had friends that I talked to before I left and people I could talk to but in no way did I commit adultery."don't want this to be this way but you are making it more and more difficult to communicate in a mature rational manor.
Don't think you can threaten me with your accusations because they are a farse. YOU should think about the future and what all of this is going to bare.....you already tested me with the forclosure that could have been worked out, but again your ignorance and greed got in the way of making the right decision for your family."


10/05/06" I want the divorce more than anything and I will be turning in what is needed to complete it. The part about adultry is way out of line and I never deserted you. I told you at the end of June that we were through. Up until Sept 1st you got money to help....but I guess you have to do what ya have to do to file for the divorce. Just remember that you can TRY and hurt me and go for whatever money, but you will never have ME again. This will most likely get ugly from your accusations and whatever memories were left will be wiped away from the hate that will surface I'm sure.....by the way, changing the lock box without my notification is unlawful and I still have the right to come to the house at anytime to get my things but I have not out of respect. Maybe I should have the police open the door for me..it is within my rights."

10/04/06"I will not be communicating with you until this divorce is final. I got the papers.Our lawyers will do the rest. I have nothing left to want to say to you. I NEVER cheated on you.
I left because of your controlling anger issues and lack of trust. Good luck to you.
Please lose my number!"

9/21/06"I have every legal right to come get my things/mail at the house at ANY time. Whether the locks have been changed or not! (that was your own stupid decision!) I will not just show up at any time and come and go as I please but I will let you know when I will be there. Today around 11am as I said before. I will NOT meet when you are there for my own protection.
I have been advised of these issues previously.
Yesterday you said you missed me, today I am disgusting trash??...and you wonder why we are just emailing now and why I don't want to see you!"

9/20/06"I got your letter about the foreclosure. I am very sorry this is the outcome. That was never my intent but my offers weren't good enough for you so the responsibility of the best for your kids should have been your priority when the offer was given to you, but that was YOUR decision! I also noticed that you insist on sending these things to my father. Please stop NOW! He doesn't want it and has MY full support. This is another form of harassment. "

9/06/06"I have tried to talk to you before but just got no where and angry so since we can't come to an understanding that we can agree on, we'll just let the State rule when after a year or 2 if you wish to drag it out. The only thing we have together is the house which you will hopefully profit from...otherwise we have 50 50 of nothing between the 2 of us in joint names and I maybe out of work before the year is over if it doesn't get better."
Please stop your harassment. I have not cut off all communication obviously, just my cell phone that you continue to leave angry and violent messages on. I will ask you one more time to please leave my family and friends out of our private matters that you have
exacerbated beyond emotional repair.
It has affected my well being and my employment. Further harassment will not be tolerated and will be notified appropriately."

8/28/06"In the end I am the one who finally ended this marriage, and I understand that you will hate me and I will be the ****** of every conversation(from you) but YOU have created ME to be this monster with your blindness and hate.
I am so sorry that I hurt you. I will always care about you and I know right now ya don't believe it or care anymore, but that is my cross to bare."

Any thoughts? Should I proceed with Plan B or just give up? I want my H and M, by reading over these emails, it just looks pointless.

Help me to do the right thing!

Put dates on these emails - are these recent?

SP

Silverpool,

I put the email dates on as you requested. Also, the most recent emails were sent after H was served with D papers and after I found out about OC. Prior to that time he was reaching out for emotional support, when his grandmother died, my sons birthday, when he was sick...He even said that he was sorry for reacting so cold to one of my emails. This made me think that H and OW weren't together any longer (i was wrong).


The Plan A letter adjustments were perfect. Thank you!

I'm having a really bad day-my panics are back-even on meds. I think it's because when I tried to send the Plan A letter to H, it was returned -I think he blocked my email address. So I sent it by another email address that I have. If he completely blocks me out I won't have a way to Plan A. Then I guess it is definetly Plan B. Should I call him or tex message him? I'm going to mail the Plan A letter just to make sure he gets it.

Any other suggestions?

10/06/06 The marriage is over and was over and has witnesses to the day I left. Anything there after is not considered adultery.

[color:"blue"] BS. Pure and simple. He is telling you this in the hopes you'll believe it...he's also saying to try to convince himself and assauge his own guilt.

Tell me...do YOU believe it? He's cheating pure and simple. He can dress it up on a silver platter and tell you it's chocolate, but you and I both know he's selling you bullchit. [/color]

You need help, you are sick and this is a prime reason why I can't trust to meet with you!

[color:"blue"] Deflection. He's the one acting crazy, but if he screams loud enough maybe everyone (including you) will believe it's YOU and not HIM that's acting insane. It's classic really. They all try to make the Betrayed the bad guy. ALWAYS! [/color]

Md state law only will SPEED up the divorce but will NOT grant you any extras from you false accusations.

[color:"blue"] False accusations? Like...um...maybe...he's being a dirty rotten cheater who knocked up the STOW? (STOW, btw, is stereotypical OW...the ones who get pg on purpose...to keep the guy) I don't see how you made anything false. 1 plus one equals 2, right? He sleeps with OW plus she ends up pg equals STOW and dirty rotten cheater in my book. Tell me I'm crazy here...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

I feel very sorry for you that you have sunk this low only to prove what a pathetic and controlling person you are and have been."

[color:"blue"] Deflection again. He's puffing up like a blowfish in the hopes you'll back down. [/color]

10/06/06 "Your reaching! I understand that you have been emailing and harrassing my freinds to see if anyone knew of an affair.

[color:"blue"] BTW: It's not harassing of his friends unless his friends have issues with it. Just thought you should know...just because HE has issues with them knowing doesn't mean you have to stop shining the light of truth in his face. [/color]

There was never an affair Kim.

[color:"blue"]Bullchit dressed up like chocolate. 1 plus one equals....smoke and mirrors. [/color]

The reason I left is for the same reason why you don't get it still now cause you don't listen!! You keep making this worse and uglier. I had friends that I talked to before I left and people I could talk to but in no way did I commit adultery."don't want this to be this way but you are making it more and more difficult to communicate in a mature rational manor.

[color:"blue"] Deflection again. I'm surprised with all his puffing up that his head hasn't exploded. [/color]

Don't think you can threaten me with your accusations because they are a farse.

[color:"blue"] Farse? Like farce??? I'm not laughing. And if he meant false, see my 1 plus 1 comment. He's digging around for ways for you to quit making this uncomfortable for him.[/color]

YOU should think about the future and what all of this is going to bare.....you already tested me with the forclosure that could have been worked out, but again your ignorance and greed got in the way of making the right decision for your family."

[color:"blue"]Deflection again. Do not allow him to guilt you into not speaking the truth. Ever. When you do that, you lower yourself to his level...not all the way to his level...but it feels even worse to violate your own principles so he'll feel better...and it gives them a bigger sense of entitlement over you. [/color]


10/05/06" I want the divorce more than anything and I will be turning in what is needed to complete it.

[color:"blue"] He wouldn't know his [censored] from a hole in the wall right now....What he wants is the easy way...he can't see HE is the cause of the difficulties. [/color]

The part about adultry is way out of line and I never deserted you. I told you at the end of June that we were through.

[color:"blue"] Truth hurts him/he blows up at you...but you are not the truth...just the bearer of it. [/color]

Up until Sept 1st you got money to help....but I guess you have to do what ya have to do to file for the divorce.

[color:"blue"] You got it bubs. Our Kimmie IS gonna do just what SHE needs to.... [/color]

Just remember that you can TRY and hurt me and go for whatever money, but you will never have ME again.

[color:"blue"] In the immortal words of my 10 year old...WHAT-EV-ER! The future is not over yet. Oh...and can you say, "dramatic much..." OW must've been dictating that one for him. Sounds like STOW drama. [/color]

This will most likely get ugly from your accusations and whatever memories were left will be wiped away from the hate that will surface I'm sure.....

[color:"blue"] Again with the smoke and mirrors. He did something wrong, but it's YOUR fault. I just wanna shake some sense into him. [/color]

by the way, changing the lock box without my notification is unlawful and I still have the right to come to the house at anytime to get my things but I have not out of respect.

[color:"blue"] I'm surprised he wasn't struck by lightening typing that "respect" word out....yep. Paragon of "respect" he's been acting huh? I got something to say here, "you get what you give." Might take him a few months to get that phrase...but he might get it...I hope so. As for him being otu of the house...check your state's laws. If he's been gone...if he's even set up bills at another addy, it could count as abandonment and you'd be well within your rights to change the locks. As for his chit he wants, I'm with you. He doesn't come in the house without you there...and for backup, I'd have a deputy there for good measure. I think Mulan sez it, But never sheild a wayward from the consequences of their decisions. He NEEDS discomfort in order to wake himself from his decisions.[/color]

Maybe I should have the police open the door for me..it is within my rights."

[color:"blue"] I say good luck with that. The police won't open the door for him. They'll tell him to take it to court. That'll take awhile, too. So good luck with that. [/color]

10/04/06"I will not be communicating with you until this divorce is final. I got the papers.Our lawyers will do the rest. I have nothing left to want to say to you. I NEVER cheated on you.

[color:"blue"] Doncha wanna holler, "liar, liar pants on fire?" I did with the Wookie. Also, "cheater cheater pumpkin eater." The fact that STOW is pg PROVES cheating.

He's being an idiot. [/color]

I left because of your controlling anger issues and lack of trust.

[color:"blue"] Smoke and mirrors. You'd think he'd be tired of this rote...since it's been working so well for him (NOT). [/color]

Good luck to you.

[color:"blue"] GRACIAS! That's all you need to say. [/color]

Please lose my number!"

[color:"blue"]Awww. Poor baby. Bet STOW found out you had his #...betcha $10! [/color]


9/21/06"I have every legal right to come get my things/mail at the house at ANY time. Whether the locks have been changed or not! (that was your own stupid decision!) I will not just show up at any time and come and go as I please but I will let you know when I will be there.

[color:"blue"] See above. [/color]

Today around 11am as I said before. I will NOT meet when you are there for my own protection.

[color:"blue"] He's a cheater and a liar, but YOU'RE disjointed? CLASSIC! Okay. Have a deputy there with you. Case closed.

(snort...idiot!) [/color]

I have been advised of these issues previously.
Yesterday you said you missed me, today I am disgusting trash??...and you wonder why we are just emailing now and why I don't want to see you!"

[color:"blue"] YEah. You missed the real husband....not the disgusting trash. BTDT! [/color]

9/20/06"I got your letter about the foreclosure. I am very sorry this is the outcome. That was never my intent but my offers weren't good enough for you so the responsibility of the best for your kids should have been your priority when the offer was given to you, but that was YOUR decision!

[color:"blue"] Deflection. Trying to make YOU the bad guy. Is it working? [/color]

I also noticed that you insist on sending these things to my father. Please stop NOW! He doesn't want it and has MY full support. This is another form of harassment. "

[color:"blue"] Then get it from his father. You can believe nothing HE says. Never believe what they say... [/color]

9/06/06"I have tried to talk to you before but just got no where and angry so since we can't come to an understanding that we can agree on, we'll just let the State rule when after a year or 2 if you wish to drag it out.

[color:"blue"] Okay. That's how long plan a you decide, and if necessary a plan b....plenty of time. [/color]

The only thing we have together is the house which you will hopefully profit from...otherwise we have 50 50 of nothing between the 2 of us in joint names and I maybe out of work before the year is over if it doesn't get better."

[color:"blue"]Okay. [/color]

Please stop your harassment. I have not cut off all communication obviously, just my cell phone that you continue to leave angry and violent messages on. I will ask you one more time to please leave my family and friends out of our private matters that you have
exacerbated beyond emotional repair.

[color:"blue"] That he caused, and you just exposed the truth to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

It has affected my well being and my employment. Further harassment will not be tolerated and will be notified appropriately."

[color:"blue"]Aw. Poor baby. Truth...that truth thingy is a humdinger ain't it! [/color]

8/28/06"In the end I am the one who finally ended this marriage, and I understand that you will hate me and I will be the ****** of every conversation(from you) but YOU have created ME to be this monster with your blindness and hate.

[color:"blue"]No...HE did it. [/color]

I am so sorry that I hurt you. I will always care about you and I know right now ya don't believe it or care anymore, but that is my cross to bare."

[color:"blue"] To quote Orchid's 180, "Yes it is."

Very simple. [/color]

Any thoughts? Should I proceed with Plan B or just give up? I want my H and M, by reading over these emails, it just looks pointless.

Thoughts are above. You cannot do a plan b without a plan a. There are other wiser heads than I that can help you with the timelines. Orchid is DA BOMBDINGER when it comes to 180 - esp. when they keep spewing all the smoke and mirrors your wh is ejecting.

We're here for ya, chica.

- Kimmy

I was told that I should send out a Plan A letter, -I understand why your angry letter. I thought that it may cause him to think, but instead I got this response:

"You will find out from my lawyer in writing why I don't love you, fell out of love, and maybe you will finally get it. You never did before and still don't."

H is right that I don't get it. He loved me one day and then kicked me to the curb the next. My head has been spinning ever since. H acts like my love is a switch that I can turn off. H's reaction lately has been that he'sthe prize at the bottom of the cracker jack box, and he's never been that rewarding....Is all of this just part of the fog?

The H and OW both met on myspace and have created a page just for my benefit. This is their "about me:(them) section:

Let's see about US------we are both married & in the process of getting divorces. We have finally found our true soul mates. We understand each other. Catch ourselves thinking or saying or doing the same things. Like we are one in the same. We are being put under the microscope by one of our spouses & I hope none of the real friends feed into her sick appetite. GOD has blessed us with a child together coming at the end of May. We are both extremely happy & cannot wait for the arrival of a new life. We wanted to tell everyone in our own time when the pregnancy was a lil further along to make sure nothing happened because we have both been under alot of stress(Someone else beat us to the punch). It may have not been perfect timing in everyone elses eyes but in God's eyes it was. We believe this is a gift from God & he chose this time to give us this gift of LOVE as a symbol of a NEW BEGINNING for US to start our NEW LIFE together as a family. And this child will have 2 wonderful siblings to show him/her even more love. We will only be accepting friend request from true friends"

I'm the other spouse who beat them to the punch....My sick appetite is that I exposed the affair and the OC. Otherwise I have nothing to do with "them", I have only emailed my H.

What do you think about this? I was told that I should just leave it as it is and contact my attorney. Orchid any thoughts?

Kimmie, I don't often say this here but I would step back and stop communicating with him. He is getting something out of reacting to you. Maybe it makes him look like a "man" to the OW but whatever it is...stop feeding it. You can delay the D. I think your exposure was powerful which is why they are acting as juvenile as they are. That myspace stuff is as juvenile as it comes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> So tell your attorney you want to slow the D process if you can while proceeding with the financial support. Does your state have legal separation?

Also Kimmie, have you identified what changes YOU can make in YOU. What can make you the most attractive Kimmie you can be? Go through the EN questionaire. Answer it as though you were your H. I know you can't fill his EN's right now but you can get in better shape, dress better, get a life without him. Show him through mutual friends that you are doing more than surviving without him. What is the worst that can happen? You could find yourself happy without him.

I will tell you upfront. Having your H get the OW pregnant is not an easy thing to recover from. Think long and hard about that too. {{Notkimmiez}}

Hm.... let me rephrase this last post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> While I would love to post to them on their stupid myspace whatever..... I realize it would really not do any lasting good....well it might but better to help you instead of just irk them.

....so my reaction to their comments on myspace is: WHAT?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Just remember that just because someone posts something, doesn't make it true or a fact. Their distorted view is just that and it doesn't fool everyone.

Here's a comforting thought that helped me. While the WS and OW thought they were on the 'top' of the world, I was busy turning it upside down. The revolution of the truth against the evil of the A was already at work. In time (that's your tool), in time the A won't stand.

It is sad that a child has to be put into the mix. You realize the OW is very very needy, so let that be your tool for justice. The OW is a person willing to use anyone or anything (even a fetus) to lure and suck the life out of anyone who she desires. The WS is just one of those weak prey she lands upon. In time she will tire out and seek a new victim.

In my case, the OW did just that. She feigned not 1 or 2 but 3 preggos. The last one she even wanted ME (since I carried the medical insurance for the family - H was self-employed), she wanted me to pay for her medical expenses for pre-natal care even though she offered no proof. How dumb did she think I was? Stupid OW. The lure of the baby lost it's appeal. What was now peeling was their A. The OW tired of using the WS and now had her sites on sucking the life out of me with her calls, e-mails and her taunts of bringing me down with false accusations. She accused me of having a A with my FIL, being a lesbian, using company property illegally, threatened to have me fired (she didn't work with me, she claimed she had influence on management at my company - I took that info to HR and my boss immediately), threatened to call the police and turn me in as an abusive mother and W (I called both the police in my town and her to report these threats at the very leest to have her name on record for making these threats), etc. That was stuff about me.

When I realized that my anger fueled the OW, I learned to curb that anger and channel it for my benefit. The tools I learned here helped a lot. Even allowed me to engage in convo with the OW. For example, the night she called to announce to me that she was pregnant. As hard as it was to hear, my instant rebuttal was to ask her why was she calling my house after 11pm and not telling her HUSBAND!!! Knowing full well, they were gettting divorced, I knew she was still married. Well she didn't expect that reaction so she quickly hung up. Dumb OW. Of course, that didn't stop her completely but she was a dumb ow and so it took a while longer but with each contact attempt, I grew stronger and able to put her in her place.

My steps forward frightened the OW. Several times, she whined to the WS that she was afraid of me. Let's see.....OW was 5'4" and I am 4'10" on a good day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Who has to fear who? I don't pack a gun but can blast an OW away from over 30 miles. LOL!!! Make that 2500 miles (once she tried to ruin my vacation by e-mailing me the details of their sexual activities. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Stupid OW. Then she even tried calling members of my church in different locations. Dumb broad. Fortunately not everyone was taken with her side of the events. Not even her neighbors who I happened to visit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Yep, if she was dumb enough to think she could invade my life, her neighbors are now aware she is an adulteress and entertains men of all sorts. Hm.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course, she doesn't know which neighbors know this but I am sure she has wondered why those that do, look at her in such a 'funny way'. LOL!!! That's the gift that keeps on giving. LOL!!!

So that's my story or at least part of it. Now my motto is NOT to allow the OW to see your anger or fear. Learn techinques like reverse babble to give em back their guilt. The OW is a blood sucker and doesn't deserve any part of your family. Your H turned into a WS and you can't stop him from betraying his family but you can and should protect all you have from this blood sucking leech. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

Thank you for you kind words and information. I did respond, trying to use your reverse babble method.
I emailed this to my H.

"I am looking forward to reading your reply. Thank you."

"Also, thank you for your new myspace Wooffee and Wetpants I feel it was created just for me.. Great pictures and to think my attorney told me to pay a PI for the same type of pic, but you did that for me. Thank you. I loved the part when you talk about me, I'm still on your mind, I like hearing that. Thanks so much."

I went to check their site today and its marked private, so I can't see it any longer. That's the response I wanted.

I'm going to focus now on myself and my children. I'm back to running and taking care of myself again. I feel like myself prior meeting my H.

My mom was just recently diagonsis with cancer, (can it get any worse) so I have her to look after as well. My life is suddenly full again. I have a longer term plan which makes the future more approachable.

I'll update my post with any new information. Wish me luck. Thank you for all of your help!

One more POSITIVE thing about NOT contacting him or the OW...when you talk/text/email them, it unites them against you.

When you remain silent, they are forced to deal with each other on a constant and consistant basis.

Their foundation is so shaky as it is...any pressure from their forced scrutiny of each other is bound to be bad for their house of cards they built.

Keep that in mind ANY time they attempt to goad you into dealing with them.

My best,
Kimmy

I just wanted to update my situation. I did contact WH twice since the NC. I needed to discuss a financial issue and I email him from two different unblocked emailed address. He responded, but was very nasty and said that all decision will be reviewed by his attorney. then blocked those address....


I just don't get it why he's being so self-indulgent? This is completely different behavior for H. With that being the fog talk, does that mean he'll return to normal behavior?

Also, I'm seeing WH in a different light. I'm veiwing him negatively, not as attractive -fat n sloppy. I've never felt that way about H before. So is this really who he is? Or am I just loosing my love for WH?