I am considering exposing the affair to the OMs employer as I am sure it will have a great effect (I beleive it will be the final complication to convince him to stay away). However, before I do, I was wondering the following: If it is not a workplace affair, is exposing to his employer simply revengeful or is it something I should do.

The short version of the background is that OM works for a major university and he and my wife have exchanged some VERY racy emails on the university's computers while he was at work and is in (as far as I can tell) significant violation of the university's computer use rules.

Thanks for the input.

I would say since he is using their computers to further his A... expose. Only you truly know what your intention is... so only you can sat if this is an act of vengence or a plea for help. I would do it if I were in your shoes.

I was leaning toward the exposure. One additional question: I have copies of approximately 30 pages of emails he sent. Do I send them the copies or just advise them that the emails were sent from their computers?

As for my motives, I must confess that most of my motive is to get him out of her life but there is a part of me that does want to inflict the pain and trouble he has caused me and my career back upon him.

I say expose to them no matter your intentions. Forward the email copies on to them as well. Is your WW on board with this?

No way is she on board. When she finds out she will flip out! Even more so when she finds out I have clued him in on all the lies she tells him. You should have seen the anger just by me telling his wife about the affair. He is actually pulling back a little but has left open the door to resume their affair once his divorce is final. However, my WW keeps working on getting him to stick around by making promises and essentially begging him to stay involved (she is acting with him much like it must look like I am acting with her).

EXPOSE immediately to every and anyone you can. Does your and her family know of her A?

If I am reading your story correctly, your W has been at this for over a year. You posted here in December of last year stating that you discovered the A. What have you done since then to improve your and your childrens lives. Specifically, have you followed the Harley's advice... have you two had counseling... have you Plan A and Plan B'd? It would seem that you need to set some very firm ground rules for your M at this point. A strong plan B seems in order given the duration of the A. Have you spoken to an attorney... do your kids know about the A?

I have lost 80 pounds or so and am getting in great shape. A big factor was my appearance. I had let myself go and at the time their affair really heated up I was in a depression and not takig care of myself.

Professionally, I began doing very well at first. Another problem was the seriousness of our financial situation and her lack of feeling secure. However, I admit I took major steps backwords as I discovered that the afair was still going on. That caused me to becaome somewhat (okay, very) obsessed and spend way too much time looking for clues that the A was still going on. Put keylogger on but not until August did she use the home computer to make or receive contact.

Confident that once I send the info I can put this behinf me somewhat and not be obsessed. I WILL move on.

Thought I did a good PLan A but affair still went on. Problem is that I never followed through on Plan B. Everytime I was ready to leave I was talked out of it either by her or this board telling me that I should not leave the home. Even have an apartment that I have spent only a few days at. However, I DO intend to leave this weekend, for good if necessary. Just wanted to make ne last attempt to knock him out.

Regarding counseling, I have been going. She made the show of going with me one time (I am sure so she could say she went).

I am ready to stand firm now. Balls are back in place, I believe.

My kids probably have an idea considering the arguments/discussions/talk around them. I am sure my oldest (13) knows.

As for an attorney, I have one ready when necessary. We have not done anything toward the divorce or separation. I have claculated the support I will owe and have informed her of the amount. As for need to formally pursue anything in court, the will likely surface this week. I don't expect much problem with parenting time and, in fact, the divorce petition she filed calls for true joint custody.

If exposure to the Tooth Fairy helps break up an ongoing affair, then expose!

All other motivations are extraneous and incidental.

With prayers,

YOU should sit down with your children and let them know about the A. You should also Plan B now... and if she won't leave... file for divorce to force her hand.... or take the kids with you to your new place. She does not deserve to be trusted with your children at this point. Somthing has to change and you need to make it happen very, very soon.

I have about had all I can take. I must look like a doormat because I am still here (though I personally beleive it shows my determination in making my marrige a success now). I am so tired of the lies and have absolutley no trust any more for my wife. Though I think I still love her, I am worn out and believe I deserve much better and am ready to look for it.

I decided not to expose to his employer but did send him a very long e-mail outlining all the lies that my wife told/wrote him so that he could see that the relationship with her was full of complications that he did not want. He immeidately wrote her to tell her what I did but she deleted the message without showing it to me. She claims that he wrote for the both of us to leave him the he11 alone. Something in me tells me that he may have, in fact, said that because I did see the email he sent when I informed his wife of the affair and all he wanted to do was have a sexual relationship with no strings or complications.

However, my wife was persistent and he finally emailed back leaving open the possibility of them hooking up in the fuiture. That is when I sent my last mail to him. Wife was furious, of course, claiming that I said horrible things about her and made her look like all she did was lie (which is basically true). That last email of mine was right after she sent him some photos, which although she claims were not revealing, were personal because some were from a trip she and I took together. I caught her at a computer the next day trying to smooth things with him. Unfortunately, I didn't think fast enough to look on the screen to see what email address she was using as she closed the one she had been using. She claims she did use the one I knew of but I checked it right afterwards and it was still closed. She said she is mad because my email was all negative (I did orignally have some comments that she did say some truthful things but took them out because I didn't want to say anything positive about her to him lest he think he should continue the affair). I didn't say anything negative about her either, just pointed out the lies. However, to everyone that matters, especially my kids and our friends I am very complimentary toward her.

What I beleive is the last straw for me was that I discovered that she emailed him last week but denies it (the one that I caught her in the act of writing was deletedbefore being sent - I saw the deletion without sending). She also claims that she threw away pictures she has kept of him though I am sure she has just hiddden them elsewere as she did the last time I found them.

I have an apartment I have used only a handful of times because it seemed that the majority of posters thought i should move back home if I was still working on my marriage and I wanted to show her one more time that I am committed to my marriage. But, really, what is the point if there is only one person working on it and the other one takes absolutely no steps to improve the state of the marriage. The only bright spot is that it is possible that I have finally made him have no interest in continuing the affair with her and want nothing to do with her. But she still worries about what he thinks about her. In any case, I do not believe a single thing she tells me and don't know how I could until she owns up to all the lies, answers the questions I have, and takes steps to earn back my trust. However, I beleive that she still feels that it is basically my fault that she had the affair.

I cannot figure out if I have been very strong that I am still in the house, or that I am very weak that I haven't left yet. However, for all my wavering, I do believe I am ready to leave this week. I just thought I would post one last time before doing so.

It has been a year she discovery, and I have since learned that she has either had sex with him or tried to get him to have sex for nearly a third of the time that we have been married (although it was not a regularly sheduled event until the past year). Every importannt date in our family's year has been marred by her either seeing him or attemopting to see him.

Why stay and be miserable when your spouse gives no reason to keep working so hard?

I hope this all made sense but I am beyond frustrated and seriously worn out.

I really appreciate all the advice and have tried to follow most of it as best I could.

You can not stop a WS from wandering if they want to. You can't. It is impossible. I would give up that fight. Forget the OM, he is just a life support system for a penis and is interchangeable with thousands of guys out there.

I don't know how(obviously) to show a WW my boundaries without one of the two leaving the house.It should be her that leaves. Yoour position should be that it is the marital home, your WW wants nothing to do with M so please leave.Many here will say that this will give your WW carte blanche to scr#w her butt off, I say do it. From your history it appears obvious that is her goal, so let her. If by some miracle you could repair things now, it would be temporary at best. She needs to stop thinking with that other head( yes women have them too!} As per Dr Pittman, occupy yourself with your child and your life.

I guarantee you will have the last say on the eventual reconciliation your WW will ask for.

BTW Exposing to my EXW's boss was probably the biggest jolt to her psyche. No telling who occupies that "I need this person's respect" for WS or OM

well, i also wanted to ask if exposing to work on a non-work affair is okay.

seems it is, whatever the motive may be (esp if work resources are used to further the affair)

I did. The reason is that honesty is important to an employer and a WS is basically a liar. I told 2 of the WS' employer's that he was having an A and that it may impact his work. I let them know that prior to the A, he was a good person with high morals, good ethics and a loyal worker. Now as a WS he has learned to lie, cuss like a drunken sailor, cheat, steal, and hurt his family. Then I let his employer's know if someone can do that to their family, maybe his work will suffer next if not already. I left it as an open ended statement for them to interpret. I let them know my motive for telling them was to warn them so that they would not be as devasted as his family was. What they chose t/d with this info was their business but I felt it was MY duty to inform them of the change in character. In both cases, his employers thanked me for the info. Later I would get calls asking for his status and reports. They became a small part of my support group. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My reasons were genuine and I made sure they understood. I also let them know I was taking a great risk even telling them because my family depended partially on his income (day care payments). But my obigation to tell them was more important than financial hardship because as manager, it was important to know when an employee of mine was NOT in the correct frame of mind while working for me. With that presentation, I won their support.

L.

thanks Orchid for that helpful post. wish i could have read this before i sent the email.

basically, my email was just asking info re his pay coz he has been delinquent in paying CS. i also told them that WH has been using company resources to further his adultery.

thanks for the information again!

Cymanca: Thanks for your reply.

I don't believe there is really another conclusion other than it is now time to leave. Presuming it to be true that he has ended the contact with my wife, she apparently believes that there does not need to be any talk or work on the marriage. That just leaves us where we were before and I have already seen where that leads. I NEED to talk about things and to fix what was broken by both of us. After a year in he11 I need to feel differently about my wife and my marriage.

The amount of information I learned about the two of them and what they did together probably isn't very healthy. I believed I could get past it, but without some affirmative showing of her wanting to be with me other than being told by my wife that he doesn't want anything to do with her, I don't think I can continue together. Just as we all know no one wants to be with a weak, begging spouse, I don't want to be with someone just because what she thought was something better fell through so by default she stays with me. I have put up with months and months of no affection, cold shoulder, etc. because I truly wanted my marriage to work and really have been working hard on it from my end. Frankly, I think some part of me still does but I can no longer feel the way I do and stay in the home. I deserve a life.

She filed for divorce on August 1 but has not taken a single step toward that resolution. I (and others close to us) don't think she really wants that but was frustrated with our/my/her lives. The only step she was ready to take was take a court-required parenting class. That she was going to do because I was pushing for her to go on a certain day as I knew she was planning to meet him on that particular day, therefore I was able to screw up those plans. In fact she talks about things she wants us to do around the house, places to go in the future. Yet she had the nerve to tell me I had no business having her followed or reading her emails after filing the petition because she had filed for divorce and that after that point what she did was not my business! She tells me she appreciates the emails (mine and various emails forwarded) which I send for encouragement about marriages working out. But she also says she is overwhelmed by them (there are not that many). She read a quarter of Dr. Harley's book and nothing else I have shared. I even got her CDs because so as to make it easier for her to get the information.

I would appreicate anyone else's point of view (other than "don't leave the house because of custody reasons - I am not naive but that won't be a problem. Also, her parents own the home so her leaving is not an option and I already have a satisfactory place).

Thanks.

SFA,

U can not teach a WS. That's a fact.

As for the house being in her parents name, ok. But you stays vs a WS is your choice. IMHO, if I were the in-laws and my child was the Ws, I'd kick out my child and keep my family close to my heart. Where are they in your support group? On board or overboard?

L.

Orchid:

Can't teach them is right. I suppose she views it as me trying to cram things down her, while I look at it as passing along intformation that has been incredibly helpful to me in seeing how to fix a relationship.

Where are my in-laws? My FIL I think is disgusted by her behavior while my MIL greatly disapproves but has some issues with me and tends to justify her actions as responses to my past actions. A mutual friend recently told me that my MIL said that I ruined her chances with the OM because of my vigilance in trying to end their A and fix my M! Unbeleivable. I would say the ILs, though, are anti-A but that blood is much thinker and I am not their child so they would never abandon her.

I just think it is too late and that we can't repair things. She takes no interest in counseling or talking even to me. She is always worried that it will become a fight or a rehashing. Three weeks ago said she can get feelings down on paper better but has yet to complete and give me letter. When I got upset the other day because she put everyone elses laundry away but mine, she responded by saying that I live someplace else. I then got even more upset because except for 2 days I have continued to live at the house.

I really need to concentrate on something besides her and my marriage. My son is in two violin competitions this week and I will try to focus on good outcomes there.

SFA,

Does that mean you didn't move out in October when you posted you were going to that weekend? How about now?

And I don't see where you said, "I'm moving out with the children."

She's got a valid point with the in-and-out stuff...and your laundry.

Either you are giving her constant O&H "I" statements about your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and intent...or you're lying to her by omission.

Own your own stuff..you got upset...break it down and find out what that upset was, which emotions, and what information they were giving you...

My DH and I went through a lot more than you have in a year...and we haven't repaired...we've recreated our marriage in two years. Don't prethink your way to a decision...go with what is real...doesn't sound like you have a handle on boundary enforcements, respect or ownership (instead of blame). All that stuff you learn when you're doing an Authentic Plan A.

Part of bringing reality is to choose to either move with the children, or move back...which brings her choices home to her. If you want to do Plan B if you're sure your Plan A has been authentic with those things I described, then file for legal separation and have the court remove her from the house...have you researched grounds for adultery? Do they have the alienation of affection law in your state? (That would be against OM)

Seeing where everything is a choice matters greatly right now...confirm she is choosing not to recover your marriage...that every choice of contact is an attack on your marriage. Reasonable, calm, contained and assured...because THIS is The Truth of actions...not your truth. Examine and know your own truth...have confidence in your respect, your intent and keep to your goal of having a recovered, thriving marriage....your goal is all your own. Not based on any response...your choice.

I know you hurt like heck and have for a long time...and you feel worn down, done in...find out where your own expectations, your habit of going into the future as if it were real (and it's not, can't be), hasn't added to your emotional fatigue and stop it. Huge part of Plan A is great self-care...learning it for all of you...physically, emotionally, mentally (picking your thoughts wisely) and spiritually.

You can do this. Your choice. If your goal is to do everything possible to save your marriage, then you can walk away when you know without reservation or doubt, you have...and you'll walk away a whole, complete and compassionate human. Until then...do not use the move-out move-in routine...own your choice to do it each time. "I felt so crushed I wanted to run, shut you out...then I regrouped and came back. I know what it is to want to run from my pain...and I know you know that feeling, too. I would rather stay and know your pain, and share mine. As well as my joy, love and fears. What do you want?"

LA

P.S. And don't hold off sharing each contact with OMW...you don't know if they are truly divorcing or not...may be stalled like yours. Living in truth is sharing that truth...keep true to your intent.

She is trying to goat you. Don't let her. Btw, don't meet hre needs while she is being a jerk. Don't reward jerks.

Is your mind and heart in sync yet?

L.