Hi All,

I just had a few questions for anyone who has gone through or going through a D.

My WW filed for leagal separation in Oct 05. In early Jan 06 she filed for D. We had been together 16 years and M 10. I am 34 and she is 33. 99.9% there is/was OM. I haven't seen or spoken to her in almost a year.

I guess my question is that in the beginning of all this she was pushing hard to get D. But today almost a year later she won't do anything. I can't get the dicovery papers from her which we have even gone to court. Everytime my att tries to communicate with her thru her att it's like she avoids it. Recently we asked to have a realtor look at the house to sell and she wouldn't even respond.

I just don't get it. For someone who asked for this D but won't do anything to end it. I'm tired of this. We could be D in a month. We have no children, just assests to split. Has anyone been through something like this? Is this normal for D?

Flying High

Welcome to the never ending Divorce!

Believe me, if I knew how to get it over with, I would have been D 7 months ago. I met with lawyers Monday (WH wouldn't come in same room) and came to an agreement that WH's lawyer liked (same as offered in March with a few minor changes). WH told his lawyer he had to think about it and left (has to go home and ask permission). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He asked for D in December but has made no other efforts to get it over with.

Only thing I can think of is that being married protects WS from having to discuss commitment with OP and keeps that relationship exciting.

Thanks fbwidow for your response.

I think you said it best. "Never ending Divorce" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You commented that your WH won't even come into the same room as you. Boy he must be full of guilt. I haven't talked to my WW in almost a year. I have no idea if she still seeing OM or someone new by now. We have our second court scheduled for early Jan 06. First one got cancelled b/c she didn't cooperate.

I've been thinking about writing her a nice letter asking her to proceed with the D. I wonder if that would speed things up or just piss her off. Just a thought.

Flying High

Well wouldn't you know it as I post my question on this board my lawyer calls. She tells me that they received the discoveries. But only partial. The major accounts my WW didn't include. Just more crap I have to deal with. I can't wait till this is over.

Anybody wanna jump on the Divorce thread with me is welcome.

All aboard!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Flying High

Flying--I have been divorced twice in my life and am currently married. My guess would be that there is still some emotional atachement or there is some finacial reason she is holding out. My past divorces went like clockwork. I did not have any chidlren and not much asests back then. I have heard never get in a hurry as you can really screw yourself up that way. Some people are in a hurry to get married again and messes them up. That one mystifies me.

Johoman

Thanks for your reply Johoman.

According to my father who is an attorney and my uncle who is a judge(he does divorce cases too) there is no benefit for her financially to prolong the D. Her father has been divorced a couple of times and I think that he might be the reason for the delay.

It is also a good possiblity that she might still be emotionally attached. I heard from a friend within a couple of months that she had been asking if I was dating. Maybe she is curious about me?

What I don't get is that since she asked me to leave she has never once attempted to contact me. All my friends have never heard of anything like this. Granted I didn't try to contact her but I didn't think it was my place to. She's the one that asked me to leave she should be the one to intiate contact.

Has anyone heard of anything like that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Flying High

Flying high--Most probaly emotional reasons. Did you have kids? I understand with kids there is never ending contact in some way until you die. I have never had any bio kids so my divorces were pretty much final. My present wife has a daughter that is 40 yrs old but still hears about her ex once in a while and has seen him at life events (graduations, marriage, etc). johoman

Johoman I don't have children so no contact is pretty easy. And probably good for the most part just because it's easier for me to heal. The way the whole relationship ended is what gets me. Literally one day I'm living at home and the next day I'm kicked out. After a 16 year relationship 10 of which we were M she doesn't speak to me again.

Recently my good friends girlfriend cheated on him. I gave him my advice for whatever it's worth and told him not to contact her. Less than two weeks after he found out she called him. Not that it was a great conversation but she did call him. She told him that she missed him.

Since we've been separated she hasn't once tried to call me. And it's almost been a year. The whole thing is just mind boggleing.

At this time I want a D. It's not what I wanted in the begining but she has left me with no other choice. I just don't get why she doesn't want anything to do with me but won't D me. Just plain weird.

Flying High

Flying- That is weird. I am sure there will be an answer there usally is. When my first wife kicked me out I found out she took up with a mentally unstable man with 3 kids (not from her) but she stayed with him and I am not sure he is still living but she attached herself to his kids and has 6 gradnkid (that info was from her). Just have patience. Have you been going out with others? Not having the divorce might complicate that legally.
Let us know when you find out. Johoman

Hey FlyingHigh,

I'm new to MB.

My WH is acting similar to your WW. He told me the marriage was over after an dumb arguement that lasted the weekend. I think it was an excuse to leave He left me 10 days later and was in an relationship/A in 5 days. What blows my mind is that he's so mad at me, I know typical A behavior, but when I filed for D and he went blalistic.


During the separation (3mths) we communicated by email only. Since he got the D papers he won't communicate with me at all, wants everything to go through his attorney.


He is still with OW-she's P. She's giving him something that I couldn't to keep him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> What is your take on his behavior?

Kim- Probaly quilt. It is easier to be angry at you to then to examine himself. You filed for D. Are you intending to end your marriage? I am a man. I guess if I really wanted to end my marriage a divorce filing would be relief whether I did it or she did it. He could be thinking that he could buffalo you and you called his bluff. Who knows? johoman

Hey Johoman,

Thank you for responding. I would like a mans point of view. No I'm not a male hater yet....

Yes, I filed for D, but only for financial reasons. H cut all support and we may lose the house because of it. I don't want to end my marriage. A friend told me not to file, if I didn't want to be divorced, but then others told me that I shouldn't just let him walk out on all his responsibilities, so I filed.

Prior to filing, H had mellowed in his email response, not that he was showing affection, but asking if I was ok, hope all is well...that type of talk, prior to that he was very vicious. Once he got the D papers, he went off-grounds are adultery and desertion-which both are accurate. It was my Attorneys choice for the adultery, I really only thought that we could prove desertion. I found out a week later about the pregnancy (proving adultery), so that put him over the edge and that's when he cut off all communication.

I don't see any way to have contact with him now to try rebuilding my marriage. I just hope that the OW shows her true colors and pushes the fog away....

Any imput?

Kim- How long you been married? How many kids? I know there are cases of divorce for reasons other than ending marrieages (protect assets, etc). Really sad cases when one spouse becomes really ill and the other has to divorce to preserve assests. This does not sound like this in your case. It sounds like your husband is with an other woman at this time. I am not sure I can give you a "man's" point of view because your H's behavior is not specific to any one sex. I would say just take your time and see what happens. If you two get back together there will be some major trust issues to deal with. It amazes me when someone walks out of a marriage to someone else and later they cry foul when that spouse does the same to them. What comes around goes around. johoman

Joho,

Married 6 yrs together 11yrs-no children from this marriage, this is my 2nd his 1st. He's left me, just like a piece of trash. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> One argument over trust issues and 2 days later he told me the marriage was over and he left 10 days later. I was blindsided. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My request for a man's point of view is "why" won't he talk to me? see me? why is he so angry when he received the D papers? I don't understand any of this....I know the fog, but is it also guilt? I understand that you've been through this a couple of times. Can you relate to any of this?

Kinm- Maybe it is a matter of pride on his part, is it possible that he has another woman? I remember when I was first divorced my pride was really hurt. Are you intending to end the marraige? I would not file unless it was my intent to end it as I think once you file it is like playing Russian Roulette. Some marraiges have survived after divorce being filed and even granted, then there are those unlucky people that can't make a sucess of either. I think thinking as a man it would be pride. Maybe he was trying to manipulate you and you went farther than he expected. Just a thought.

Johoman

If he is having an affair, the OW may be telling him not to communicate with you - just a thought. I know that this is true in my situation! The OW won't let my ex talk to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Also, pride and guilt are probably playing a major part. If he feels guilty, he will transfer his guilt onto you, make you the 'bad' one, and he will make himself angry at you for no good reason.

It's skewed logic. It really sucks. But it's how the wayward behave.

{{{notkimmieZ}}}

Alph.