So, he did get married, but the how and when part is somewhat unique. I'd be eager to have some of the folks who've been around since 2002 and followed my story take a peek (over on divorced/dating) and let me know what you think.

My other thread

Jen:)

Jen,
The bottom line is that we don't know why he went to Oregon. We don't know if she actually is comfortable with the house, or the camper van.

Anything I could say is speculation.

Do you still have feelings for him. Or is it better to ask - do you still wish things had turned out differently.... do you still think about it much?

As for your dates.

I wonder if you still send out silent signals that you are not available. It's hard to know some of these things from a distance. I would guess you have talked to your girl friends about the lack of dates, what do they think?

How are you otherwise?
I can't believe you would come and not give us a full rundown. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Is it cold yet?
We have yet to see our first frost where I live now.

Really, how have you been?

SS

Sorry my update wasn't more thorough, stillseeking! I just feel like a bit of a foreigner in here now.

I do still think about where I am in life and how it wasn't where I had planned to end up. But I wouldn't say that I still have feelings for him. I have some regrets, but that's about it. I wouldn't be with him (as the person he is now) for all the money in the world - he would still have been seeing both me and her if I was having anything to do with him, I'm sure. Not to mention facts like I hear he still drinks a fair bit. Honestly, life on my own is a lot easier than being in a relationship and worrying about the needs of someone else too!

Maybe I'm just being too picky about men this time around too - I refuse to date someone who doesn't want kids, I refuse to date someone who's significantly shorter than me, I'm not up for dating someone more than 10 years different in age. And if I sense that someone is controlling in any way, I step back. Also, if they value a woman who loves housework and cooking, I back off, because I know that's not me. Really, I don't want to compromise myself at all this time, no more doormat Jen, so that probably also makes it hard to meet someone. And keep in mind that the last time I was dating to meet people before this was age 17! So I'm just learning all about this dating scene - my dating didn't start until a few months after the divorce was final in 2004.

There are a few of us that are girlfriends that have been single for quite some time. There are more women than men in our city, I've heard that before. And we're a group of independant, strong women, with full and busy lives, not the needy kind of women who tend to fawn over a man, or act helpless and needy to attract someone, so maybe that's a strike against us.

Otherwise, I've been struggling with laryngitis off and on this week, and been home from work for a couple of days, hence the time to post, and perhaps overanalyze things a bit.

It's still a big challenge dealing with the sudden loss of my dad last spring. I still miss him a lot, especially not being able to talk to him and seek his advice from time to time. My mother is not a very independent person (he was her entire world) and is really a handful at times. Right now my brother and sis-in-law are living with her to ease the difficulty, but it's putting a huge stress on their relationship, so they're contemplating moving back home (a province away). That scares me because then my mom would be wanting me in her life a lot more, and I don't really have that much time (or patience) for her.

Other than that, work, friends and hobbies are keeping me happy and busy. I'm not depressed or anything. Frustrated with having no voice though - I'm a talker! I'm a teacher!

No snow on the ground here yet, but frost to be sure. We've had some snow flying, but nothing that stuck around.

There, that was probably more than of an update than you were after!

How are you stillseeking? What's new with you?

Jen:)

Here's one more reason why I no longer have feelings for my exH....

I was with this man for over 12 years. In that time I got very close to his entire family, including his grandparents. I knew them better and was closer to them than my own grandparents, who passed away when I was a child. In fact, I stayed in touch with some of them after the separation and divorce. Well, as far as my ex is concerned, I don't even merit a brief e-mail informing me of their death. I had to either read their obituaries in the paper, or have a friend of the family (who is a friend of a friend) pass the information along. This morning I discovered while reading the obituaries in the paper that one of his grandmothers sadly passed away this week, at the age of 89.

I just don't get how someone (my ex) can be so cold. I treat others the way I would want to be treated. I personally called him when my father passed away, to let him know when the funeral would be, etc. I didn't leave it for the gossip mill or the paper. Perhaps I am being self-centered, thinking I even have the right to know when my exH's relatives are ill, or pass away. But 12 years should count for something.

Now I have to decide if I dare to go to the funeral, what with his new wife in the picture. Really, she is of far less concern than the relationship I shared with his grandmother. I will attend the funeral, but will make a quick departure after the service to avoid conflict.

Jen

I sympathise so completely with this. I was also very fond of my ex's grandparents, but I was fortunate enough to still have one of my natural grandparent alive during my marriage to him.

Both his grandparents passed away when we were separated. Although I was in NC with him, I met him, just once, at the door when he was picking the children up. I told him how sorry I was.

When my grandmother died, I didn't hear anything - not a peep from him. I know that he knew she had died the day after it happened.

I did not attend his grandparent's funerals, as the OW went with him. His parents own a small hotel, and WXH and OW stayed there for the funeral. We were not yet divorced at the the time, and I couldn't afford to stay in another hotel where I would have had to pay, so I didn't go.

I regret deeply that I wasn't able to attend and pay my last respects. But I hope they both know I wanted to be there. I hope they both understand my reasons for not attending.

If you feel you want to go - then go you MUST. Like you say, you can always make a quick exit afterwards. You have far more natural and moral right to be there than the new wife.

Alph.

Jen,
This is a "wrong sex example", but It's all I can think of at the moment.

The story goes ..........
There was a man who, upon reaching the door to a building noticed someone coming up behind him. He opened the door and held it - waiting for the person behind him to enter.

It was a women, who remarked "You don't have to hold the door for me just because I'm a women."

"Oh," said he, "I'm not holding the door because you are a women, I'm holding it because I am a gentleman."

You go to the funeral because you are a LADY. You hold up your head and you greet people with poise, and grace. You offer kind words, you express sorrow. You can greet him the same way, and her if she is there, and you can wish her the best, and him also.

There are a few of us that are girlfriends that have been single for quite some time. There are more women than men in our city, I've heard that before. And we're a group of independant, strong women, with full and busy lives, not the needy kind of women who tend to fawn over a man, or act helpless and needy to attract someone, so maybe that's a strike against us.

I want a partner, not a slave. I want an equal - someone to share with. It wouldn't be a strike against you if the guy is the kind of guy you are looking for. I suppose that only means you haven't come across him yet.

More later, I have an appointment in 10 minutes, and need to run.

SS

Attend with the dignity, grace and respect you have for them and they had for you. The OW maybe legal on paper but she still has the stench of her ways.

You will be the breathe of clean fresh beauty that belongs to those who strive to do what is right. Also your clean conscience will shine through.

Carry some tissue, not just for the tears of sadness for his family but to help you hold your nose so the stench of the OW won't overpower you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

All the best,
L.

Good to hear from you Alphin, SS and Orchid. Thanks for the encouragement!

My brother gave me an earful tonight when I mentioned that I was thinking of going to the funeral. He said that if I haven't had an active relationship with Grandma for the past year, that I shouldn't go. He said that if I no longer have an active relationship with any of the relatives that will be there, I shouldn't go. He also repeated a couple of times that I need to move on, leave this family behind, and realize that my ex is now married to someone else. Yes, my brother is a bit pushy with his opinion. He repeated his opinion emphatically enough that I thanked him for sharing it, but told him that I didn't need him to badger me with it.

However, he did get me thinking. I worry that maybe part of my motivation to attend this funeral, a family event for a family I'm no longer a part of, may be because I'm not able to move on fully. I also worry a little bit that somewhere inside me is a desire to attend in order to make my ex's new wife feel awkward.

I don't know if I'm going to go. My mother and I sent flowers of condolence with a card to her surviving daughter (the ex's aunt) today.

I'm feeling very ambivalent about it now. The thought of not going seems so much easier than the stress surrounding the idea of going.

Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It isn't easy.

Here's what I did. I phoned MIL and told her that although it broke my heart, I would not be able to attend her parent's funerals. I told her why, and she understood, said that she knew I wanted to be there.

I wouldn't allow my children to go, either - the funerals were on school days, and also - this is the main reason - I wouldn't allow my WH to play families with the children and OW at the funeral of his grandparents.

The girls made pictures and cards for the coffins. They were beautiful and heartfelt. I sent flowers for the coffins and a card and letter for MIL. It was the most I could do.

I hope you find a way that is right for you, Jen. Don't put too much store in the forceful but well-meant opinions of relatives.

Alph.

Hi Jen:

The relationship you have/had with these people, that so happen to be related to your xH, is yours. Nobody else's.

It's not your xH's responsibility to inform you of important events in their lives. If you were close to them, I would think one of them would keep you posted about events like this. I think that what you do, whether you go or not, depends solely on what you want to do - how you want to share your feelings, and who with. Remember, funerals are for the living, not the dead.

As for your H's new marriage, and whether you should concern yourself or not?

I think this corollary to Murphy's Law applies here:

"If it doesn't matter, then it does not matter."

best,
-Qfwfq