It's not like I have a new BF, I'm just getting back on the dating scene. However, as going out on an actual date looms closer, the same question always looms in my mind.
When do I tell him that the reason my marriage ended was in part due to my infidelity?

I would never hide this from anyone, I will only be up front and honest with anyone I have a romantic interest in. However, I wonder if someone would consider it dishonest to answer the question, "Why did you get divorced?" with something non-specific, like, "There were more than 2 people in the marriage, and my ex is now married to one of them." Really, I think that if someone pressed the issue, I'd just tell them that my exH had 2 different female friends that he was far too close to, and instead of putting my foot down and telling him to get rid of them, I foolishly cheated on him instead. But I'm not sure how that sounds....

To those of you who are a former BS: If you were dating someone, and they confessed that they were unfaithful in a previous relationship, would you end things after that date? Or be willing to give them a chance because they are being honest, and accepting responsibility?

Really, I am a FWS who later discovered, post divorce, that my exH was also unfaithful, but I know it still doesn't excuse my choices. I'm just not sure how to explain my shady past to someone new without scaring them away. I want to come across as someone who accepts full responsibility for what I did, and make it clear that I'd never do something that foolish again, even if a large number of people in society think that people can't change.

Any advice as to how to handle this topic with a date or new BF?

Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Good question, Jen. I'd like to hear other people's thoughts too as I'm in the same boat. I've kinda come to the conclusion that some people will bolt no matter what we say or how well we've learned from our mistake.

LSNE

Jen,

I would hope the "details" of your divorce would not come up until later in the relationship. Once the relationship is somewhat established, then it may be more appropriate.

As a BS with lots of experience, I would run for the hills of someone told me she had an affair and showed no remorse or accountability. But if you come across that you now know how wrong it was, you made a mistake and you learned from it, then my reaction would be much different.

Be honest, be sincere - it will be fine if you are.

Keith

Yes. Immediately and unequivocally. Sorry. However, that is MY boundary and I don't know how many others would feel the same way.

Most of us have skeletons in the closet that it’s only fair to share with someone who we might end up with in a committed relationship. I know that Harley promotes the idea of full disclosure of everything from our past to a potential partner and he even has a survey form that he says you should complete and swap with your BF or GF. That’s pretty scary but he says that it protects you from being surprised down the track when you find out. That’s his policy of honesty and protection and I see the power of it. Problem is most of us have tried to protect ourselves from potential rejection with lies, big and small since we were children and it’s a hard habit to break.

So I personally would favor disclosing it at a point where the dating its starting to get serious and when you are starting to share more intimate details. The kindest thing to do would be to disclose before the person is emotionally connected with you and would be hurt too much to leave and certainly before you have got involved sexually, at which point logic, reason and good sense depart the scene. You’ve got to do it when they are still able to make a sensible choice to go or stay. I would imagine that some people would then choose to leave and others would be prepared to see how it pans out.

I think past choices should be very carefully considered before moving forward. Generally, people don’t change, but sometimes people do make mistakes and turn away from them. I think the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and if someone has habitually cheated or lied or drinks or gambles or whatever, there is little chance that that behavior will change, even in a new relationship. Their problem is themselves, not who they are with.

However if it was a one time event and they have not repeated it and sufficient time has passed to show that it is not their normal pattern of behavior then maybe its safe to stay – but be careful. I would set up extra safety barriers if I was going out with a former WS and take things very slowly and carefully.

I am a BS. If the person was honest, accepted responsiblity, and showed remorse, I might be willing to give them a chance but there would be trust issues to deal with. If they sidestepped the question and I later discovered the truth, no way.

This would be a good answer for me. Of course it would depend on the person's personality. I prefer a direct blunt answer.
I tend to view something non-specific as a lie by omission.

Jen,

Another thing to keep in mind is that wisdom comes from tough experiences. It does sound to me like you are truly remorseful and accept responsibility for what you did. I believe you learned from it (wisdom).

Some people might run... I dated a woman (once) and she told me of her affair and divorce and she blamed her x-husband for what she did. I never called her again and would not even consider a 2nd date with her period.

I respect people that take responsibility. Be honest with your future BF.

Keith

I think you need to share the reasons as they come up. Except when people are serial, perpetual cheaters, there are a lot of problems building before the affair. These are events and behaviors that led to the demise of the romantic relationship, and later, the marriage. Personally, I’d rather know why the romantic relationship died than the straw that broke the camel’s back. Of course, infidelity needs to be shared because it’s often a boundary for others. Burning chocolate chip cookies probably is a non-issue.

You know, Jen, you could take this and spin it to your benefit. If you were dating someone who had been cheated on, you might want to make sure that person has worked through the various trust issues. By sharing this information before you get too serious, you can screen out anyone who would never take a chance on a FWS, and anyone who shows an inability to cope.

While infidelity is wrong, I’m not sure all infidelity has the same weight when it comes to the future. Learning from mistakes and the context of the affair have a lot to do with it for me. I know others are more black and white.

I am an XBS. When getting out into the dating scene again, I used singles sites ont the Net and I found that potential partners were quite comfortable and direct in asking questions about my marriage and divorce from the safety of their keyboards. I admit to being equally comfortable in asking questions online that I might not hve been able to bring up face-to-face right away. It was easy for me to say my XH had several affairs. I don't think it turned anyone off if they were the ones doing the asking. However, there were many guys who chose not to answer the question "How did your last relationship end"? on their profiles; some would say "ask me later" or something like that. Honestly, anyone who admitted an affair to me would have been TOAST unless they also explained all that they had done to try to make their marriage better or at least make themselves a better potential partner after their marriage ended. The biggest turnoff for me, as a parent, was someone who ended a marriage with kids -- for any reason -- without trying to make it work WITH PROFESSIONAL help first.

Should you bring it up? I don't think so. But if and when "he" does, I'd be prepared to be very honest about your past and what you're doing differently now.


Mrs. W8ing

I wouldn't tell him on the first date but I would tell him sooner rather than later.

I would tell him sooner rather than later, before he gets too attached to you to make a rational decision, and before you get too attached to him to think about hiding the truth.

When my wife and I first started dating she told me there were some things that she would not tolerate in her life. For good or bad, I did those things from time to time. Some days later, I sat her down and told her the truth. I also told her it wasn't an important part of my life and that I would quit when we got married. I also told her that if she wanted to break up with me, I'd understand and be okay with it - because it *wouldn't* be because I lied to her.

We got married. I quit doing what I was doing. That was almost ten years ago. Point being that between the right people, it will work itself out.

My two cents;

If we started to become serious (exclusive and time) about a relationship then I would want to know about your infidelity. I would want to know that you know why you did it, that you know that it was wrong under any circumstance, that you are deeply sorry, embarassed, and remorseful about what you did, that you have learned enough about you to know that you would never do it again, that you understand the tools, boundaries, etc that exist that would help mitigate something of this nature happening in our relationship, that you are have re-dedicated your life to living as the Lord calls for, etc.

In fairness and even if all of the above were true I would still have internal doubts about being in a relationship with someone who had cheated on their husband/wife.

BTW, I am a BS.

What about for a BS? "He decided he liked his GF better than me" just sounds vicious (at least when I say it). We had problems, (some that I must take credit for) but he made the final decision to get a D and not work on the M.

I don't have time to read the whole thread at the moment, but I plan to do so when I get home...

I find this fascinating because I am in the same boat (sorta, kinda)...When acquaintances ask why my ex-H and I broke up, I can never come up with a vague enough answer. I promised my ex-H that I wouldn't expose that the reason for our divorce was due to his homosexuality. He's not out of the closet with his family yet, so I can't go around telling mere acquaintances his personal business. I hate it when people pry and I REALLY hate the "holier than thou" people who say "EVERYONE" gets divorced NOWADAYS...no one tries, no one sticks it out anymore..yadda yadda yadda...GRRRRRR...I had an ****** at work say that to me. I wanted to jump over my desk and strangle him...

Here's the thing...I'm not bound to tell anyone the reason, it just tends to cause some frustration at times. You have a different situation because (I'm assuming) you want to be "radically" honest. My personal opinion on this is pretty cut and dried: If you've gone through the divorce and you've realized the error of your ways, you don't owe anyone that kind of "honesty". Tell him the problems that LEAD to YOUR affair and consider that the reason why your marriage broke up (it's true, nevertheless)....

I would wait a few weeks. After all he or she is stranger and deosn't need to know everything about you.