HI
I am back again.After 18 years of marriage with cheating w,and 18 months of seperation,we got div in August.
Its all fine now,except she sends our 2 teens ( 16+ 19)
cards,and calls them on the phone,but both DO NOT want any contac with her,cause she left the whole family for another m. They have not seen her for 18 months. She says they are still her kids too,but then we argue ,cause they get mad when she tries to talk with them. They are old enough to make their own decisions,and I can't blame them for not wanting anything to do with her. She says she will continue to contac them. What do I do now?

Let her send cards and calls as much as she likes. She still wants to have contact with her kids, and that's totally normal.

But personally I agree with you...the kids sound like they're old enough to make up their own mind. She DID abandon them just as much as she abandoned you, and if that makes them angry and hurt with her, what would you expect?

Stay out of it and let her work out her own relationship with them now.

Probably not the politically correct thing for me to say, but my opinion nonetheless.

Agree with Owl..

Let her deal with her children herself. Take yourself out of the equation.

MS:

I would concur. And any attempts you make to try to minimize her involvement will be used against you later.

Get the Caller ID. Don't answer. If she leaves a message, its the kids job to call, not you.

Cards/letters in the mail? let the kids treat them as junk mail or a prized possession, thier choice. But you let them throw them away unopened.

These are the consequences of her actions and 18 months will seem like a walk in the park when after 5 years they still want nothing to do with her. This is her burden to carry. I bet you warned her of this over and over again and tried over and over again to be a light in the wilderness to no avail. Well, let the OM be the light in the wilderness. I am certain that he was and is so great and powerful that he will make her forget everything she did, the guilt she has, the things she sacraficed to be with him in short order, so let him.

I would not MAKE the kids do anything at their ages. They are not stupid and know where they ranked when she left. I wouldn't gang up with or side with them. I would simply listen if they wanted to talk. She's living the fantasy she created for herself and is wondering why everyone else doesn't want to be a part of it. Wait for the day that the fantasy ends and she comes crawling home wanting to know if everyone will just forget what happened and let's just all get back together (ie.- my fantasy man was a lying, cheating, piece of crap and has left me or made me miserable and I am lonely and lost).

I think you should leave it up to the kids. My son is 11 and I let him make the call and for the most part... mom is nothing more than an annoyance to him. He lets her know in no uncertain terms... his place is with me and that he holds her accountable for what she has done. I hate to see their relationship so damaged at this point... but I am so proud of my son that he has standards that he will hold everyone too... even his mom.
Stay the course. Let your kids decide what to do. It will really hit her when they marry one day and she is not even a guest at their wedding. Sad... but a forseeable consequence to dropping the A bomb on a family.

As a teen I went through the same situation with my father...there was no infidelity, but I made the decision when I was 15 that I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. My mother had no influence on my decision whatsoever...in fact, she urged me to keep in contact with him. At the same time, she knew what I went through and supported the decision I made to kick him out of my life. He made his choices which led me to my choice. I may have been very young, but I knew what I wanted, just like your daughters know what they're doing. Trust them and be there for them.

MS, I have a similar problem with my kids. FWH is back at home after his antics. My 12 and 16 year old will hang with him. But my 17 year old is very bitter. My counselor tells me to stay out of it, let them figure it out on their own. Consequences of their actions and all that.

Stay out of it. That's my advice. She chose OM over you and her own children. She eats it.

Hi MisterSteve! You have good kids with a good head on their shoulders; let them make the decision. She abandoned them for her creepy boyfriend, and I don't blame them a bit for not wanting to talk to her.

How is your life, my good friend? Any new chica's on the horizon?

It is your childrens CHOICE and your exWW consequence.

It is up to them if they want to reach out or not.

I'd stand clear and let them work it out if they want to.

Mr.Steve,

A couple of points for you to consider. First your 19 year old is an "adult" legally. So you really have little to say about their choices. You can inform your W of that fact.

Second, the 16 year old would be and probably was given the choice of who he/she wanted to live with and the choice was obviously you. You should give this child the choice of talking to Mom or not. You can inform you W of that fact as well.

The point, talk with your kids. Ask if they feel they need your "protection" from Mom, and explain to each of them their true situation, you have little control of them or your exW. If they understand that this is their call, let them deal with exW. You stay out of it. Tell exW you are out of the loop as well.

I hate it when divorce does this to kids (yup the 19 year old is still a kid to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) but it has and now they have to make choices they should never have had to make, but let them make them because they are theirs to make.

It sounds as if you are handling things fairly well. I am sorry your Ex never saw the light.

God Bless,

JL