This thread has been created for those familiar with Heartsore and Olive's story to send direct correspondence to Olive. WWs and FWWs are especially encouraged to post here to help Olive understand that she isn't alone in her circumstances, that even when all hope seems lost, it doesn't have to be... and that it is possible to refind a great marriage after these circumstances (no matter how impossible it may seem right now)........

Dear Olive,
Over seven years ago (almost eight now) you and I were wed and began the "they lived happily ever after" part of our fairytale story. We both have learned that the "lived happily ever after" fairytale isn't a sound one to rely on... as marriage requires work. Sometimes hard work. You and I started with a strong love... one rivaled by none of our friends. For years others envied the depths of our love. At your work, you were well known as being the woman most in love with her husband... and you were proud of this. Somewhere along the line, as we started having children, we lost our way and stopped meeting each other's needs. Eventually you started your affair with you know who and now, after 8 months of oscilliation, you say you want a divorce. Olive, I know that you and Mr.BigPants are still active in your Affair... and as such I also know that you will not be motivated to work on our marriage until it ends. I wish that you would take the time to read and post on this website, because there are so many women, just like you, that have made similar choices and are now living and recovering from similar consequences. Almost every one of them has also declared their Affair partner as their "soulmate", but in every case the "fairytale" eventually ends. Those that have experience with our types of circumstances can see the writing so clearly on the wall. It is clear to most that Mr.BigPants is controlling you right now... and you are glad to follow his lead - ironically, the very same reason you say you can't stay with me now... (you give up control of your own destiny).

Olive,
We can find a better place. One that is fulfilling and intimate. It won't happen while you are engaged in an affair. It won't happen while you continue to lie and deceive everyone around you (especially yourself). It will only happen with an understanding that IT IS POSSIBLE and A COMMITMENT to TRY... REALLY TRY USING AN EXPERT DEVELOPED recovery plan (Dr. Harley)...

Our children deserve so much better than what they are about to be dealt... I cannot imagine how they will react when they learn that the five of us will not be a family anymore... and what will they think when they are old enough to understand and ask, what really happened to our marriage... I'd say if we can't be proud of our actions, then we need to stop doing them. If we aren't comfortable telling our children what we've done then we probably aren't setting the example that we should. A lot of water has crossed under the bridge of our marriage and certainly plenty of damage has been done. But with professional help, and I don't mean, local amateurs... but PROVEN PROFESSIONALS THAT SPECIALIZE in marriage recovery plans... may be able to help us find our way.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray. I will pray that you will open your eyes and see the world around you. To see the light in our three beautiful children's eyes and consider what Mr.BigPants is asking you to really do... and what pain his request is going to cause these three beautiful children... gosh Olive, don't they deserve better than what you and I got as children? I think so and for that reason I am committed to find out if we can find a better place...

My request to you is that we meet with the Harleys and see if a recovery plan is possible/feasible for our situation. If there is a possibility... and if you are willing to put the needs of your family ahead of your obsession with Mr.BigPants we may have a chance. But at the least I'd like us to learn more.

Heartsore

Bumping up.

Any chance we can get some FWS to post to Olive. Tell her what she's headed for with Mr.Ego-Driven BP. How this will affect her children, if she even cares anymore.

Jo

I will GLADLY post to Olive if she will just give me some clue that she will actually read it...In fact, I would be more than happy to speak with her VERBALLY and listen, answer any questions and share ALL...I will lay bare all that I have to offer, but I would like to know for sure that she is reading...I don't dig "ghost posting"...

Olive, you are MORE than WELCOME to email me...My email addy is in my signature...I hope you will reach out...I KNOW firsthand what you are feeling right now and how confusing all of it is...

Sincerely,

Mrs. Wondering

and we can even talk over the phone if you prefer. My story is WAY more complicated than yours is at this point, I have a child with the other man (yes, you read it correctly!) and like you I was on the brink of destroying my family for what I thought was my "soulmate". But here we are today after only a few months of having been on this site and I can honestly tell you my marriage TODAY is better than it ever was and I KNOW it is going to be even better with time. Just last night my husband (who I hurt so deeply in this horrible mess) put his wedding ring back on as a sign of his committment to our marriage. So trust me, it CAN and DOES happen. PEople can become better after this ordeal and Marriages CAN BE SAVED!!

Please at least talk to one of us before you make a final decision. Trust me, you will never regret it. Your children will thank you one day.

My best to you if you are reading this.
Becca
my email: ctvjcv@yahoo.com

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> McBecca, I'm SO GLAD that you are HERE!!! You are rockin' girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

This gave me HOPE....
I hang on to every good word my husband says to me.....
Thank you for being here.

Mrs. Heartsore,

Think back to a year ago....

Do you remember how you looked forward to the arrival of your new baby? Do you remember the future you pictured for them? Did you imagine that you would be filing for a D a year ago? Did you imagine you'd have had an A?

Having a new baby, having an A, getting a job promotion, ending and restarting R over and over again, are all highly emotionally charged events/choices to have made in a VERY short time span.

Your feelings have gone back and forth many times in the last year. How do you know how you will feel tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?

Oh, you say, "I know what is in my heart towards Jay."

Is there something wrong w/ Jay?

Or did you harden your heart against him?

How does that hard heart feel to you?

Does it feel cold?

Do you feel that same coldness towards your children?

Do you think by "getting rid" of Jay, you'll be able to feel warmer towards your children? Better about yourself?

It is my belief that if you break up your family and leave Jay, a big part of your heart will always remain hardened.

Every time you see your children suffer, it will remind you of what you choose to do to them. You will NOT be able to comfort them. You WILL resent them. You will harden your heart against them a little bit every day.

If you stay, and try to recover your marriage for THEIR sakes...the process will soften your heart again. You will seek and find true forgiveness from Jay and from yourself.

And if after trying, you find that your marriage can't be saved, then at least you will have tried. You may be able to save your heart and soul IF you try.

The A was NEVER about Jay. Jay will be OK w/ or w/o you. He has a clear conscience that will enable him to comfort the children. He will be able to move on w/ his life and find a woman who understands what real love is. His heart will remain soft...he'll be able to embrace another.

Will you be able to?

Will you be happy a year from now?

Will your children be happy next year? The year after?

~ Marsh

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well here is my $0.02

I am in jamaica and a BS,now my wife,my love, has strayed after 10 years, IN a nano second all that i held dear was vaporized and replaced with desolation. The one who i trusted even MORE than myself...betrayed me.

The mother of my child, the one i gave my virginity to, the other half of my soul.

The reason given? I wasnt meeting her needs so she went to someone who could. I was painted as evil, didnt care, and even said that i "abused" her.

I had to get counselling, from the shock and awe of this "marriage history" devastated was an understatment.

eventually i clawed myway back with friends here, who i descovered by accident. In my desperation i typed "marriage help" on the net and found here.

This is not a "gossip station" This is a place where we spoused come,seeking in desperation......hope, something to keep our world together.

We found it..conpassion, understanding of ourselves and more important how to change. To find the strength of compassion,understanding and the will to make CHARACTER changes.

Then we build these "muscles" to become better spouses,parents and individuals. Permanently.

We seek to understand what part we played in not meeting our spouse ENs and strive to do so. We fight with LOVE, COMPASSION and determination to protect our loved ones. (A mother bear has NOTHING on a BS who knows that their family is at risk).

How can one justify an affair? no.....adultry, affair is such a nice word that rips family apart and murders another spouse innocence in the institution of marriage.

Can you justify it? in any form? Its no less brutal than daily putting a gun to a child / granchild's head and pull that trigger.See their eye gloss over and grey out, see their chirpiness fade and insecurity becimes their best friend. everyday when they cant say but they KNOW that mommy / daddy is tearing their world apart....everyday.

is there any indignation?

is 15 / 20 mins of sex or wordings of "i am so in love with you" justification to hurt another living human being? the one betrayed?

WE seek to change, out of LOVE no more no less. love of God was given, some respond some dont. some justify, some cry. God sent his son..is that manipulation? He acted out of love then said...It is there, if you come to me i will forgive ...and love you".

This is not hard for a BS to understand....we do this daily in hope and understanding. Yet it is called suspect.

PLease understand Olive/Daddy. Jay will have faults.(show me who doesnt)but are you WILLING to give up on a man who is still faithful NOW? and showing CHRISTLIKE tendencies,who from the sound of it want to protect your children/grandchildren, in one fell swoop? for what again?

Ah yes. YOUR NEEDS , not the children. not faithfulness, but your needs. I am so sorry if you go through with this.

In war the civilians are always the first casualties, in this case, its the children.

Its not too late......

Do what God would want you to do.....

Look your children in their face and try telling them why you have to go and destroy their world. Tell them that despite daddy's changes you wont forgive him amd you want what you feel NOW.

At least tell them before you go. Oh yes Tell them why you had to go to hotel rooms and secret places to make it exciting, not in the light of day of pure love. then say to them "You will survive".....

See them crying and tell them "Man up".or "go after your feelings.damned the consequences"

then run to your "true loves" arm(s).

Then tell God to bless your union.

then again....you do not like to be "told" what to do.

make sure that you can live with yourself.

last thing.....Do you honestly think a man is going to take you up if you did this to someone else? What will you do him 10 years from now? when your kids are grown?

please for what its worth,stop and think.

I love you Olive....so does your H.

Give it time.

I will pray for you.

I hope you read this. You too Pops.

Greetings from Jamaica.

Dear Olive,

I wish there was a magic word that I could say that would help you to brake this curse that has come over you and drawn you to lead your family potentially over a cliff, Leema style. The damage to the children that is about to be unvailed will be lifelong and will effect not just them, but likely generations of Heartsores to follow.

I asked you two weeks ago whether you would stay married just for the kids and you said no. I then asked you if you would make a sincere effort to refind our love and restore a great marriage together for the kids. You didn't answer this question and still haven't.

Would you Olive? For the children, would you be willing to try? Or are the children not important enough for you to try? Or is your adulterous relationship with Stumpy just too strong right now to consider the possibility?

You told me less than a week ago that you are just "following your heart". Whether you realized it at the time or not, you were telling me that you and Mr.BigPants are back on again... which is why you felt you were "following your heart" to be with him. When we follow our heart it is usually towards someone... and in your case we all know whom that someone is. So this is what it has come down to for us? You won't work on our marriage because you're addicted to Stumpy BigPants? You're willing to take the children down a crash course because you are addicted to Stumpy BigPants? You're willing to toss aside your morals, values, ideals, and self-respect because you are addicted to Stumpy BigPants?

And you'll be choosing a man that has already proven that he will only remain faithful to himself and his own whims and fancies... he targeted you early on Olive... and he got you! He manipulated you into spending time with him and then he manipulated your thoughts and feelings so that you would turn against your marriage and into his single arm (and stump). Even when you tried to end things, he made life difficult for you and it became clear that if you were going to succeed at work you would have to work with him... he used this to keep you engaged in the affair.

For us to have a chance, we will need to put an end to the fantasies that have been guiding us. Your fantasy about Mr.BigPants being perfect for you is just that...a fantasy ... his own wife of 26 years is tossing him to the curb and his daughters won't speak to him... so the three most important relationships that he's ever had with women in his life..... all to garbage. That should be a big warning sign Olive! Don't ignore it!

Your fantasy about a perfect divorce is just that, a fantasy. Because of what you have done to me, we will never be friends outside of marriage. Only through our marriage recovery will I be able to accept you and truly forgive your betrayal and bad choices.

Even god says he will forgive all, but only once one repents... If you proceed with a divorce, I won't be able to stop you, but I will have to fight for the family, its integrity, and the children's needs.

Your fantasy about me not being right for you needs to be put to the side as well. Dr.Harley holds the key to rekindling love in marriages and he can help us get there again... even though you think it isn't possible........ perhaps he understands marriages and love much better than we do? He's saved many marriages that were far more difficult than our situation... and it all begins with dropping Stumpy BigPants and then committing to exploring the possibility of marriage recovery with the Harleys. I've told you most of this in person, but wanted to write you here as well.

Your Husband, patiently waiting with two open arms,

Heartsore

Dear Mrs Heartsore
I am a FWW but did not proceed to divorce. My H and I were able to recover our marriage. We had been married for 23 yrs when I had my A and we have 3 teenage sons.

Here are some extracts from a letter I sent to a WW of a friend which might help you. I and others here know how you feel now but please trust us, this thing you are in right now is a DECEPTION...

What I COULD NOT SEE at the time (which I couldn't because I had rose-coloured glasses on) was how SELFISH I was being...my WHOLE motivation for what I did was so I could feel BETTER about MYSELF. ALL the PAIN & SUFFERING that I was to put bigk and the boys through, (also OM & his family) was because of ME and my poor self-image/esteem. I felt entitled to this 'happiness' after giving of MYSELF to bigk & the kids for nearly 20 yrs. Twenty years of putting everyone else first, cleaning up after kids, putting bigk and what he wants first, doing all the 'good wife & mum' stuff. Now its MY turn for some happiness, I DESERVE IT.

I Had everything worked out in my mind, knew how everyone would react to the news and how OM and I would live happily ever after...all in my rose-coloured world. It looked ok, I thought. My 'self-pity-party' was going to end.

and....

WW, my point in writing all of this to you is to try and make you see that this 'new life' you are wanting is just a dream...more like a nightmare really that you and your family is living as well. Even if the 'new life' you want happens, it will not last as its foundations are lies and deception. Then where will you and the children be??? Yes it hurt my pride to go home. I was wrong, had made a monumental mistake with a huge ripple effect and was not sure what the future held for bigk & I. Would he change?? Would we get help for both of us to save our marriage so our family could have a better life in the future??

ITS NOT TOO LATE for you & WW'sH to save your marriage, regardless of what either of you have done. Yes you both will need to swallow some pride and make some big changes. You will have good days and not so good days but wouldn't it be worth it to have your family back together again?? What values to you want to pass on to your children who are similar ages to ours??? What about commitment, trust, forgiveness.....What will they learn about that stuff from this situation from either of you???

Your family's wholeness IS worth FIGHTING for...and you BOTH will have to fight and fight long and hard, but it would be worth it. Yes, I do feel REALLY strongly about all of this because there are NO WINNERS, just heaps and heaps of pain & suffering that is TOTALLY unnecessary.


Hope this Helps......

Mrs K

Mrs. Kahuna:
Thank you for sharing....this is so encouring...that your and your spouse have recovered and you are inspiring others...myself included.

: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Olive,
This isn't the right thing to do. You know that this is not good for the children. You know that this is not good for your career. Why have you allowed this to spiral so out of control? Why are you so unable to see Mr.BigPants for what he is... a user... a predator... a narcissist.
You will be in my prayers tonight especially.... may the lord send the holy spirit to place a hand on you and help you come to realize God's Plan for you....
Heartsore

Dear God,

Thank you for listening to me
the sorrows that bind my heart; the fears that circle endlessly in my mind
the memories that make me yearn for yesterdays long gone.

Thank you for listening to me
my constant pleas for relief; my quest to understand
my insecurities and self-doubt about unknown tomorrows.

Thank you for listening to me
as I struggle to regain life's balance;
as I cautiously take each step as I seek to create a sense of now.

I only ask that you grace me with your patience
to be still and hear your voice; to trust the fleeting beacons of hope;
to know with a deep knowledge that all will be well again.

Thank you for listening to me.

Help me to listen to You.

Amen.

Mrs. Heartsore,

I copied this from an old post on here somewhere. I apologize to the poster who wrote it, b/c I didn't copy their name w/ it.

But, here it is....



my old sunday school teachers back home...a lovely couple in their seventies...taught young marrieds for at least 30 years...had much experience with this...as our old church back home was in an affluent part of town where affairs and money squabbles were the stuff of marital demise. My teachers said this to me when I called them crying on the day I found out judge really signed the papers. S emailed me, "honey. do you know what their life will be like? Lemme tell it to you. It's like what the Children of Israel did...they didn't want to trust God and follow Moses, their real leaders...they wanted instant gratification. They wanted the promised land now. NOW. and since they couldn't get it until a later time, they created idols out of stone and gold and worshipped these things. Darth's affair has become HIS IDOL. He worships it...and he WILL SACRIFICE NOW TO IT...HE WILL SACRIFICE ALL TO IT NOW...and so will the ow. we've seen it time and again. and one day, there will be nothing to burn...nothing to give to the idol. and it is that sad day when he will see what he lost. you worship the true God and you keep your faith. You show your ds who loves him and who is there for him. You won't be alone forever. but your H, darth, will be lonely in this affair marriage. It's days are numbered. we've seen it happen quite a few times sadly. THEY NEVER LAST."

~ Marsh

Well the name Darth gives it away somewhat Marsh. It's JustPeachy.

BITE THE PEACH
LOL

Marsh...The post you quoted is by a Georgia sweetie called JustPeachy...

Olive...

If you are reading, there is so much that I would love to impart to you...Many things that really words will fail to express...I'll try...

I promise you this, if you walk out of this marriage for OM, you will lose so much that is so very dear...NEVER again will you find someone that is willing to walk through fire for you, as Jay is willing to do...Seriously, NEVER...There are so many memories that will not translate into what you believe will be a new start for you...Even little silly memories will be lost to you forever...There will be no one to say "remember when" with...Your history will be GONE...ETERNALLY...Your wedding day, the birth of each of your children, the worry over each child's first illness, the joy over each child's first steps, the private jokes, the knowing looks...ALL of those shared experiences will be DUST IN THE WIND...Those can NEVER be recreated...No one will EVER be able to give you a single glance that you completely understand even without explanation...Make no mistake about it, leaving your marriage will be the single worst decision that you will ever make...A decision made entirely of selfishness that will DESTROY so many...Your children will NEVER, and I mean NEVER recover from this...Don't delude yourself into thinking that they will, they most certainly will NOT...

My heart breaks for you and your family...you have no idea just what you are willingly throwing away...Something so very PRICELESS...It is the saddest of sad stories...

Again, I would be so very glad to talk with you...I will listen with no judgement...I hope that you will email me and allow me the chance to share with you things that I can't even begin to express in writing...

With Many Prayers,

Mrs. Wondering