Hello everybody,

I discovered this past Friday that my WW had been having an affair with her supervisor (former co-worker for years). I discovered by finding an email in which the OM was *ending* the relationship because he didn't want to be involved in breaking up a family. My WW has agreed to NC, and she is starting a job at another company on Monday, but I can tell she is still very vulnerable. She doesn't believe that our marriage has *any* hope, and I can tell that she wants what she calls "at least a little happiness"

I called the OM (with my WW listening) the night of the discovery and left an angry VM threatening him. I called him the next day from my wife's cell phone (with WW listening) and made contact. I told him that he will stay away from my wife until he sees a piece of paper that says we are not married. He agreed and seemed to be genuine that he will stay away, especially since he was the one who broke it off in the first place, but who knows. My fear is that if my WW does relapse, a man is a man and he will take the opportunity for sex.

So I am considering one more contact with him. I am going to be reasonable, in the sense that I am not going to say "stay away from my wife or I'll kill you". But I am going to let him know that my marriage and the happiness of my children is at stake, and that if my WW makes herself available to him, *even* for conversation, that he is to shun her. Otherwise there will be repurcussions, most notably I will expose him to his coworkers, his HR department (supervisor relationship with direct report), and even his parents if I can find them. I will also tell him that if he in any way lets my wife know that I contacted him, that these same repurcussions will follow, as I have no doubt that if my wife were to discover this contact she will be driven further away from me.

So, I am asking here before I make this contact for one reason only. I know I am biased, and influenced by anger, rage, depression, jealousy, humiliation, etc. So I am asking calmer heads: Should I send this message to the OM? The payoff is he might reject my WW even if she relapses. The risk is the the Romeo and Juliet syndrome. Forbidding their contact may drive them closer together.

Thanks for your input,

TomFool

Should I contact/threaten the Other Man? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 11/09/06 04:08 PM
View Results

No. I would not recommend this.

The contact will have NO benefit for you! And will likely backfire on you.

I say this for a couple of reasons:

1.) He really won't care what you say. It is irrelevant to him. You can not "educate" him to stay away for WW.

2.) Anything you say can and will be used against you. If he feels threatened he may file for a restraining order. That will NOT help your legal standing.


Your best move right now is to sit down, relax, and think this through. Be still, Act, don't react.

I contacted OM. First I had to go and see him just to appease my curiosity. Then I emailed him. He emailed me back and offered to talk with me. I figured it was best though that I just let him go. He seemed to be something that was holding me back from moving forward. I just gave him some stern words and never talked with him again. I don't think me talking to him really helped at all.

I say yes...

BUT, let me give you my senerio...

I found out that my W was having an EA while I was deployed, and still after I reurned, up until I exposed everything last week. They happened to see my PI watching them, but when WW asked me about it, I let her believe that it was NCIS. So now they've stopped all communication with each other out of fear that he is about to get slammed.

Here in NC there are a couple of old laws (i.e. Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation) that allow me seek monitary damages from him for pursuing her, and having sex with her.

I have a mountain of evidence of the A, and can prove "opportunity and inclination." They only thing that I can't really prove is that they actually had sex.

Should I confont him and tell him that I won't go to his command and NCIS if he gives me a written statement saying that he did in fact have sex with her? And then, keep my word about not going to his command, but use it against him in a civil suit?

I say yes as well. What do you have to lose as long as you are not an idiot about it? (ie. threatening).

When I found out about my WW's A, I immediately emailed OM and told him what he has done is unacceptable and that he has ruined a family and relationship. My WW's father even got into the act. Since then, OM has been trying to stay away from my WW, but she has convinced him twice to see him again with some BS excuses. Finally, I emailed him again last week, as I am at my wits end. I basically just pleaded with him, and told him he is killing me, my WW's relationship with everyone who loves her, as I know he is somewhat of a decent person. My WW told him she was getting a divorce and she was unhappy and leaving the marriage so she could be with him initially, so he thought he was 'getting with' a woman who was leaving her marriage already and was unhappily married and had two feet out the door.. He believed all this not knowing any better. My WW has told me he will no longer talk to her and will not see her as he knows she lied to him and probably feels bad for what he has done.
This is what he responded with when I emailed him last week:

""I don’t know where you are getting the idea that I have been hanging out with WW. I promise you, I haven’t. If my department goes to lunch and she joins in, I make it a point to sit away from her. I have made it clear to WW that I don’t want anything to do with her, you, your current situation, nothing. You and her families emails and phone calls have effectively made me adjust my way of life. I had already cut down communications with WW way down to a professional level, but when I learned that my bosses were getting emails from you and your group, that was the last straw.
I am not saying these things to upset you or to have you retaliate. I’m just trying to tell you that I am not talking to, visiting, chatting with, nothing with WW. I am telling you that I am not doing anything to derail what you have been trying to put back together.
I will not tell WW the context of your last email and for some reason I am still trying to figure out whether or not to tell her you wrote. But for some reason I think if I did tell her, you will suffer. So I will not tell her. But I am serious when I tell you that I have had enough of this situation and WW. Whatever stories you hear, I promise you it was not, nor will it ever be me.
I do respect you and your wishes. That is why I don’t talk to her unless I have to. If nothing else, you need to understand that I have done what you have asked of me. When she walks into our room, I don’t even so much as turn to greet her. Out of respect for you; the troubles you and your families are going through; and that all of this that has become a horrible situation for everyone.""

So, I just don't see what bad can come from emailing OM or OW as long as you speak from the heart and do not threaten or harass.

Good luck and god bless.

I merely told OMW and she put a stop to things.

I say NO.

OM broke off the A. You told him not to get near your W, did he get near her? You called him again and told him to stay away, did he try to approach your W? Now you want to contact him again? He did not cheat on you, your wife did, you should remind your W that your marriage and the happiness of your children is at stake. Let go of OM, if you cannot do it how do you expect your W to do it?

Tom

Welcome to the best club in the world that nobody want sto be a member of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Its a good place to help recover your marriage like I did !

Your WW is spouting the usual fog like every WS does when they're first busted. its a very hopeful sign ! Read up on this site and Dr. Harleys book " surviving an affair " to learn more. Knowledge calms you and empowers you to fight this affair.

No contact or " NC" is an absolute essential for recovery. Your WW is pretty much addicted to the feelings her affair gave her (NOT to OM! ) and she needs to wirthdraw liek any addict. Dr Harley talks about this on his basic concepts part of the main marrigebuilders site.

Now to your question, well I am split. When I first contacted OM on the day I found out about the affair that chump gave me marriage guidance advice ! And I just took it lamely !

Soon I learned from Dr Harley & this site that I needed to expose the affair to OMs spouse in order to apply pressure on HIM to end the affair and stay out of my family's life.

So I did that.

My story and the GREAT advice I got is bundled In this toolkit ( click here) .

Now I also found out a lot of nefarious stuff that OM was involved in. I bundled all that up and hreatened to utterly destroy him if he ever threatened my family again.

That seemed to help exposure to keep him away.

Don't do anything that could risk a restraining order.

All blessings

NO -- the WS is the focus, not the OM!

Could become an explosive sitiuation!

Yes contact OM and threaten him. I have done it to OW and it has worked.

I say No. You've been firm during the first two calls. Now, you should focus on working things out with your W and your M. She's moving to another job, and the OM was the one who initiated the breakup, specifically citing the reasont that he didn't want to be the cause of the deterioration or breakup of your M. He gets the message.

Fix your M. It's time to let the OM go and move to the next step.

Hey Tom Fool,

According to your history you haven't posted since Nov. 28, 06. Are you still around? How's it going?