NC is no longer an option! I am so MAD. Just need to rant. Don’t know where to start. H had A 4 ½ y ago. The OW was also married (3rd time, all of her marriages failed b/c of her A’s.). When I discovered an email with her name on it, I picked up the phone book and started dialing before I could change my mind. Her husband answered, I asked (as nice as I could) if he had a wife and if she happened to work at ???, he answered yes and I then proceeded to read him the email of how much they wanted to be together for an afternoon stroll in the woods, how much they love each other, how they would never stop loving each other, it even referenced to her having morning sickness (OW could not have had morning sickness near enough to make me satisfied with her dilemma). Comes to find out she was pregnant, of course being the anal person I am, I could not let the matter rest. I went to OW house and asked her to her face which one was the father? I know, I know, big mistake, who can trust someone who lies and cheats? However OW did assure me that the child was her h. OMG the skank was almost 40 years old with a previous child, surely she should know when she was ovulating, OW and her h had been trying before all of this happened.

My H has had N/C with the OW or OC. Court ordered DNA was done, now it is official.

My TRIGGERS are going off like fire alarm bells.

Time to make a decision about C w/ OW & OC.

Novgirl, welcome to MB. So is OW still married to her H? Is her H on the BC? Why was DNA ordered, was it on the request of her BH? Wow. I didn't know with a MOW that these things could come back to bite you like this. Keep reading.

BTW, what is the status of your M? How does your H feel about possible C with OC?

I cant say I'm glad to join this clud. Ow and H is D. OWH took DNA test at hospital when baby was born. Neadless to say it was not his, however I think by our state law if they were married OWH name went on BC. DNA was court ordered, OW has now decided to take my H for back child support, for the sake of OC.

It's a shame OW gets to profit at my emitional and finaincial expense.

Marriage is on shakey ground. H is leaving the decision up to me about C with OC.

First of all, does your state ALLOW her to take him for back CS even if he was not notified of the DNA results??

Hugs to you. Work through this before you decide on C or NC. Either way it should be a joint decision, DO NOT let your H push this decision on you. That could lead to resentment in the future and does not bode well for your M. Do you have children?

(((NovGirl)))

Do you and WH have COM?

How do you feel about C?

We have contacted an lawyer, and yes she WILL get her bcs. We had NC with OW, and that was my demand. I already resent my H for the things he has done. Been married for 25 years, Oh yea another highlight, he had an A with this same woman when I was pregnat with our youngest child. My H could have been OW first A. How about that for a loop. I have 2 children, 19 and 17. The oldest doesn't speak to me as much any more, we are really close yet she is hurt, she wants NC with OC. She's not handling this well, she is dads angel. And now she sees him from a womans point of view and its really hard. My youngest has not said much about this, with her it's hard to tell. However my youngest has expressed her wishes to meet her half sibbling. That was really hard to hear from one of you kids.

I think it would be easier to give up and walk away. This is toooooooo hard. My emotions are raw.

What is COM?

(C)hildren (O)f (M)arriage.

COM = children of the Marriage.

I am so sorry this is happening to you! How is your H treating you? Does he want to stay married and willing to work hard to recover your trust? I know it seems easiest to just give up and divorce. You can recover, but it is hard and takes effort from both parties. That is why I ask about H attitude.

What does it mean that he is leaving c with OC up to you? I know you can make your choice, but can you make his? Will he really let you say NC and not blame you later for his not being with his child? It seems like it has to be a joint decision or there may be a problem later..........whether you choose C or NC.

When did you find out about this affair? I wasn't sure if the affair 4-1/2 years ago is the one you are talking about or a different one. How old is OC now?

Hang in there. This is the hardest this any human will endure. Your H attitude towards you, OW and OC will make a difference in your choice, but you don't have to choose right now.

You can always get divorced. You may have just one opportunity to repair the marriage. If you want it.

Take care! There are many wise people with experience here. You are not alone.

Sorry, I'll try to slow down and express myself better. My H first A was in 89, when I was preg w/ our 2nd child. However I did not find out about the A until 91, when OW exH decided I needed to know. I always thought that was so very kind of him. HA. The A shattered our marriage, it was months before I could even look at him, much less ask questions. Guess I enabled him in some way by taking the blame for the 1st A. Our marriage sucked at the time. But when the SH)) hit the fan we pulled together and decided our family was worth the heartache, at first I stayed for the kids. I'm sure many have said that. Over the years I learnt to trust him again.

What is sad is that it took the first A for BOTH of us to realize just what we really meant to each other.

This last A was in 00. Nothing has been the same since then. My feeling are still like a roller coaster and I just want to get off the ride.

H is trying, doing an excellent job. Only problem is we have yet to get down to the real reason of the A. What is his attraction to this particular woman? He seemed to not go through any of the withdrawls I've read about, seemed never to be in a "fog".

I want NC w/ OW. Not sure how I feel about OC, who will be 5 soon. Right now I feel if H wants to see OC I will not interfere, however I'm not ready to have OC in my house.

H has not said how he feels about C with OC, at this moment I really don’t care what he feels.

Thanks for the further info. I understand not caring what your H feels. I didn't either for a long time.

I would be careful of allowing H to have C with OC without you because of his history with OW. Since the attraction has been there for a long time and the reason isn't fully understood, it is too dangerous. You will need to discuss with H strong boundaries, if you both decide on C. There are many ladies here who have been through these issues of contact with OC/OW. I can only suggest what I have seen others do and succeed with. We are NC.

Do you have any idea if OW wants anything other than CS? Does she want contact? Some don't want to share their child and particularly not with the wife.

When did you find out about the affair? Was is just recently or back in 2000? It sounds like you have only recently discovered OC is your H's. Why now? Why CS now and not before?

Are either of you in counseling? I highly suggest it, if you are not. Both marriage counseling and individual. I am sure my H and I would not have survived this mess without it. Your H needs to find out within himself why he did this.......twice! You need to discover what you are willing to do and what you really want. It is priceless help no matter what you decide.

Since you lived the aftermath of an affair before, you know what is coming. It is a rough rollercoaster and the OC issue makes it rougher.

Take care of yourself. Be with your children and take care of them, too. Your husband has some issues to work out.

I have no idea what the OW is expecting from all of this drama. H is so stupid he left email in his truck so he could remember where they were to hook up and screw (I found out July 00.) Further evidenc he was not thinking right, was thinking with wrong BRAIN.

The problem I'm having is talking to him about this. I get so enraged I'm not in control of the situation. Do I really want to torture myself with the answers? Isn't my imagination enough? Do I have to hear him say he loved OW? Isn't reading the eamils enough? When can I stop trying and give up? Has to be a time limit on beating yourself up.

I get so angry, H tries to tell me the emails were just "stuff" they did. That it meant nothing to him. Well it sure as SH)) meant something to me.

And when he does give me answers, I think "no way you did that". It's like he's talking about someone else. The things he says he said and done are so out of character. Who can OW change him so much? Who can he be so weak as to let her?

On the other hand, When we appeared in court together for the DNA she looked stunned. OW should have thought of me being in the OC life b/f she had A with my H again. I did ask her why now and she said it was for OC. I told them both at the table that I hoped they were proud of what they had done.

H is willing to try counseling. Not sure if I'm willing to go again. The last time I was not impressed with the counsler. Her only concern was what I would get in the D.

And your right LBell I do know what is coming. And as of yet I'm undecided. I do love my H. He is really a good man, (except when it comes to A and OC).

Why not try counseling with Steve Harley? Expensive but worth the $$. What books have you read? What have you and your H done to strenghten the marriage?

What would OW say if you and your H tried for FULL custody of OC...?

NovGirl

No contact with OW period... Contact with OW = potential for 2nd OC that may "just happen" despite intentions. If you decide to stay in your marriage, you and your husband will have to build hedges around it, to protect your marriage. He needs to figure out why he endangered your family in the first place and both of you need to decide on some boundaries to protect yourselves and your marriage from future unnecessary pain.

Contact with the child? That is really his decision. I agree there should be no contact that excludes you. Not to much to ask if given the circumstances if any contact/visits with the child, occur at a neutral place (neutral to you, selected by you, etc) and time that you can handle right now.

It doesn't have to be set in stone, and as you heal you can change the parameters. It isn't controlling your h or telling him what he can do, it is identifying and defining what YOU will be able to accept and deal with right now.

I encourage you to try your best to meet the child and establish a r, however minimial, with the child. It may help you seperate the child from the mother in your mind. If you are unable to do that right now, and your h does not want to pursue contact without your blessing, then table it for now and work on your marriage.

Yes, you will get blasted as the evil betrayed spouse, etc....but you only answer to yourself and to God, just as they (WS and OP) will have to answer to themselves and to God for their actions.

God Bless You
Ann