I posted earlier about this situation. Alot has happened between me and my wife, and I think that I just gave her a big push from WW to WAW. I have been told that she is flirting with the same OM I mentioned before. She has told her pastor that she doesn't know what she is going to do. She tells me though that our marriage is over, and she is scared to death of me. I dont blame her a bit for her feelings, but since I have spent some time in jail and she has another restraining order again.

This is what I did. I went to see if she was home so that I could spend about an hour with her and our kids. She said the night before that she was going to stay home and spend some mommmy and kids time. I was ok with this untill I found out that the kids were with a babysitter and she was with the OM. I was very upset and hurt by this. To surmount the whole feeling, she tells me that she and the OM may date in the future, and that she doesnt love me anymore. I tried to leave with her to go get the kids so that we could talk things out and I could explain myself. She did not want me to go with, and I was upset even further because she didnt want to talk to me about the situation. I decided to leave but as I left, I kicked the taillight out on our car. I then realized what a jerk I was, I went to apologize and I offered to fix the taillight. She said that the OM would help her and she didnt want my help. At some point during this, the OM came out with a .22 rifle. I decided that my saftey was threatened, and I left.

I then came home and called the police. As far as I know, no charges were brought against him. I ended up in jail for an outstanding warrant (didnt pay a fine) and for a PFMA charge. I know that I have commmited huge love busters, and I dont know how to get her to come over to my side of the fence when she wont have anything to do with me because she fears that I will physically harm her. I have ABS0LUTELY no intention of hurting her. I am in such a bind now to save our marraige that I feel that nothing will work. I think that if I stay silent, she will think I dont care anymore, and if I speak up....well she will know that I care, but I must not show any anger when I do it. I knwo that she will try to provoke me...its my job not to give in.

Do you think that if she pushes the right buttons and dosent get the right responce that she will think of that in a positive manner, or me just stuffing my anger twards her, which I have grown out of because I want our marriage to work for the both of us because I belive that God put us together for a reason.

I appriciate any advice that comes my way, and I thank you in advance for it.

She is not your W now, she is a WS who hates all family (including the children). Go get yourself and your children to safety away from the grips of a WS.

What is an OM doing with a gun around your children? I would get an RO against him at the very least.

L.

Dear Kustom,

I see reflections of a past relationship of mine in your posts. It was not a good relationship for me or for the young man. In the end of it, he beat me severely, I ended up in protective custody in jail, and the police had to search for him.

The relationship did start out with us in love. We were dependent on each other, but when the love faded we didn't know how to let go. We made each other miserable, with the fighting and the refusal to let go. We didn't want to be together, didn't want to let the other one be happy, didn't want the embarrassment of splitting up, among other things. You talked of "stupid male pride" in one of your earlier posts. My old boyfriend and I both got caught up in such pride issues that we ended up with huge problems. It wasn't only him, I brought my own issues to that table. I have since found so much peace and happiness. I have been blessed, and have learned to release that which I experienced in my life that led to the things with this young man. Bad things, all.

I see a great deal of anger in your life. It has landed you in jail. You are in counseling for it. Anger controls you. It is making decisions for you, and reduces you to kicking out taillights of cars. Only afterwards are you in control enough to reflect upon yourself.

Take a look - people are actually arming themselves. This doesn't happen in most people's lives, really, it doesn't. You don't have to live this way. There is a way out. You can find peace. I want to help. First, here is a part of my story:

You say she is afraid of you. I understand this fear. I lived with someone who had uncontrolled anger, and he ended up hurting me. I was 12. After he beat me, I retreated to my room, and hid in the closet. The next day, after school, when I came home, he was there to greet me. I was afraid for my life, but knew that if I were to show it, I would be in trouble again. It didn't matter, because I was already in trouble and didn't even know it. You see, I was in trouble because the bruises he gave me the day before were showing. He saw them, and asked me how I got them. This is the first time in my life that I ever used the "f" word in my mind. I said to myself, "SB, you are "f'd." I told him that the bruises were from the spanking yesterday. He became angry, said that they were not, and he beat me again.

The second beating rose to felony battery level. I was 12. He was my father.

Again, I say, your anger is controlling you.

Her fear is warranted. I wonder...what do your children fear? Because regardless of whether or not you have EVER touched them, they see your anger. They see your temper. They see you lose it. And they wonder if they are next in line behind the taillight.

I lived it.

Dig deep in those counseling sessions. You are angry about something that you must direct your anger at - and you must stop unleashing it at other things and other people. Because if you expect to have any meaningful relationships in your life, it is only to happen when you let go of the source of the anger, and stop feeding that fire. You are only burning yourself with it, in the end.

Focus in counseling not only on WHY you are angry, but on HOW TO STOP ACTING ON IT. There is a freedom you will find when you are in control.

May you find peace.
SB

Thank you for your advice schoolbus. I have found quite a bit about myself in the last month or so. Just to give you a little history on myself, I was a child that was involved in a divorce. I just recently forgave my mom and father. I had realized that not dealing with that issue in my life was leading to the destruction of my marriage. She had SF with another man while we were dating, and I forgave her for it. Not much was discussed, other than that I forgave her. I also had an affair, but after I was married to my wife. I have asked her to forgive me, but when she says so, its always in anger. Now she has IMO moved on with "friend" of hers that she dated 13 years ago. It was before her and I even met.

It pains me greatly to see her with him, and IMO walking away from God. I wasnt really religious while we were married, but now I see it as the only way I will get through this whether we stay together or end up divorced. I completely understand her fears. I never intended to do make her fear me so much. I do agree, I have anger issues, but I am learning to get them under control. I think that half the battle is that I suffer from a few mental illnesses. I found out that I suffer from depression, and possibly I am bipolar 2. That means that I dont venture too far into the manic state, but I delve deep into depression. Last week was filled with suicidal thoughts. Somehow I was able to talk myself out of it. Convincing myself was hard, untill I would think of how my wife would have to tell my two children that thier dad is dead. My son is 3, and my daughter will be 1 next month.

I still love this woman very much, and would never cause her pysical harm, and would try my very hardest to not cause her anymore mental anguish. I pray everyday that God grants me the strength to carry on. I pray for her to repent of her ways, and come back to church and talk with our pastor. Unfortunatley for her, I am starting to question wether I should love her anymore. After the 22 I am going to start Plan B with her, even though I havent had the chance to work on Plan A. I dont want to give up, but I feel that it's my only choice.

Schoolbus, if you would like to share how you overcame your fear of your father, or how you coped with it, please email me at [email]kustomdlx454@yahoo.com.[/email] I am desprate to disperse this fear of hers, without completely walking away from her.

Orchid, luckily my children werent there when that incident occured. My mom and dad wont even talk to her, and are trying to convince me that she dosent deserve me anymore. She claims that the OM dosent own any weapons, and that when I called the police, she almost lost our children and he almost lost his to protective services. Our hearing for the RO is on the 22nd. I am puting things on hold with her untill that day. After that....I dont know, I will just have to see what happens.

Kustom,

You sound a little calmer today, that's good.

I will say some difficult things now. Please know that they are difficult to hear, but you need to know, so that you and your children might avoid the road I traveled with my father.

First off, your kids don't need to be with your OR your wife right now. Sad to say, but true, IMHO.

She is with a man who is willing to load a gun and aim it at someone. Not good judgement on her part.

You are thinking about killing yourself, and that is not a stable frame of mind.

If you want to do what is right for them, ask the judge to place these children with your parents, and ask your parents if you can all move in with them. Then, together, heal yourself, your children, and get stable. Church is a good place to get started. If you can't live with your parents, then move the kids in with them, stay there in the evenings until they go to bed, be there in the mornings to get them off to school, and live your life otherwise as you would normally, at your own house. Give them a stable home, with the support of normal people. Remove them from the crazy-making environment that you and your wife have set them up in. That is the very first step toward making them feel safe with you.

I prayed every single night that someone would save me. Take me somewhere that was not crazy.

No one ever did.

My father also suffered from bipolar disorder, and went through manic and depressive episodes. I never knew when the downward spiral was coming, and there was no escape. It was the fact that I could not predict which father would be there when I got home that made for the instability in my life - the "crazy-making" atmosphere.

You ask what made me stop fearing him.

It stopped when I stopped having contact with him for about 5 years. After I was able to move about 1500 miles away, not call him, not talk to him, and not see him.

Sad, but true. It took 5 years before I could talk on the phone with him without total fear that he could hurt me. I knew LOGICALLY that he could not hurt me on the phone. But emotionally, I feared him anyway.

But I actually came to the realization through work on another event - rape - that as long as I feared him, HE WON. His only control over me was the control I let him have. And in that sense, he had all the control each and every time the fear welled up inside me, each time I failed to call my mom because he might answer the phone.

I made the decision that I would win, forever more. And so I have.

The same can be done with you. There is a peace, my friend, in this victory. I used the anger over the rapes, the beatings, the crazy-making life that I grew up in. I used that anger in my life for all sorts of things - excuses to treat others poorly, excuses to leave jobs, excuses to do things I should not have done, excuses to drink and do drugs, excuses to hurt others in many ways. That anger gave me a sense of power, but it only fleeting power. That power was momentary, and it controlled me when it came up. I, too, broke things, threw things, screamed in anger, hit other people, stormed off in rages, and made a general a$$ of myself. A product of my childhood, I mirrored what I saw, and grew up to be what the adults modeled for me. Your children watch you closely, watch your every move.

I was ruled by the cauldron of anger that boiled within me. I let it rule me, because I sought no other answer. I was too proud to admit my own faults. I never told anyone of the rapes, which were repeated over three years' time (not by my father, by the way). I never told anyone until I told my husband when we were having a fight when I was 22 years old. He looked me in the eye and he said, "SB, I am fighting about the laundry. You, however, are fighting about something else." He was right.

Kustom, I ask you,

What are you fighting about?

Answer that question, and focus there. That is how I got over my fear of my father. I got over the anger in my own life. I lifted the anger, the guilt, the pain. when I learned how not to be angry, and how to let it go, my whole life changed.

Strange to say, but it seems my anger actually was fueling my fear, and vice-versa.

Finally, I forgave. This was the biggest factor in my recovery from the entire life before. Forgiveness was for me the true release from the pain of the past. When you are ready for this step, it is the greatest single gift you will give yourself.


When I put it all down (the anger, that is), and realized that my dad was dealing with demons of his own, I was able to understand so much more. People don't understand mental health issues like they should. We can point to a broken arm and see the hurt. We can't SEE depression, or bipolar disorder. The average person doesn't understand it. My dad and my brothers both deal with it. Not easy to have to deal with, but now that they are all diagnosed, the family is better equipped to understand things. We have actually come to healing. Yes, healing.

It was not easy. There were times when some folks were not talking to each other - before the diagnoses!

Plan B is probably good for now, because you will need to focus on yourself for the time. With your disorder, you will need time to regroup. Get the kids to a calm place, I urge you. They need stability.

Take one day at a time. Focus on peace within. It is what you can control. You cannot control what happens outside of yourself, what WW does, or OM does. Take baby steps, do only that which you know you can handle calmly, and don't put yourself into any situation which is potentially volatile or unsafe. This will protect you and your children. Do this for the next six months, at least. Stay in therapy.

Peace.

SB

Kustom,

Just so you know, I don't mean to use the word "crazy" in the previous post in the "mentally ill" sense....I mean the other sense...the sense that things are just topsy-turvy, unpredictable, chaotic, sense.

Don't want to be politically incorrect.

I always get in trouble for that. My brothers would just laugh and shake theirs heads at me for this second post.

They always tell me that I worry too much about offending, that my apologies end up offending them. Then I apologize for the apology.

You can imagine some of our conversations!

SB

I can totally agree with you on this one. I am looking for a way, legally, that my parents can gain guardianship of our children. If you have any ideas, please share.



I have to ask you this, because my wife was raped also, at the age of 14 I belive. She underwent IC for it, and I wonder at times if she has fully recovered. One of her "problems" with me is that she thinks that I only treat her as an object of sex.


I fear the loss of my children, my marriage, and possibly my livelyhood. I love my wife, but it angers me to see her in this state. I go to IC and I also visit with our pastor on a weekly basis, sometimes daily with our pastor. I find solace at church, and sometimes at home.


I agree wholehartedly. In anger, I have told my parents "f-her" and "she is not worthy of my love." I dont truly mean it, its just how I feel about the situation right now.


I pray for her every night, and for myself. I ask god to give me the strength just to make it day to day. I have come to realize that without God, I am nothing. My anger controlls me, because I let it. Through Him, and my councelor, I am learning not only why, but how to stop anger. Its just hard for me to show her that I am learning when she currently wont have anything to do with me. Honestly, I dont blame her for it.



That is also another big part of my problem with her. She knows that I suffer from depression, and she has too, so she claims that she knows how I feel. IMO if she knew, she would be able to comfort me and ask me about how I feel, no matter how I reacted. Some of my lashing out comes just from being in a depressed state. I dont intend harm, but its a defense mechanism that I have learned to keep myself from possible harm. I havent quite fully understood my bi-polar issues, and she may not either. I would like to explain them to her, but untill I fully understand, I dont want to lead her astray.

Thanks again for your advice.

Peace be with you also.

Kustom

Kustom - I hope you are on meds. They really help, especially if you are bipolar.

Belive me, I am. I just started them, so I am just waiting for it to take effect. I have been on anti-depressants for over 2 months now. I dont like to toot my own horn, but I am proud of myself for sticking with my meds for so long.

I would get to a point where I felt that I was doing better and would stop. Now I know that I wont ever truly be better, unless I keep taking them.

Kustom

Kustom,

The ADs will help to a point. They take the bottom out of the depression, and help level the top out of the manic phases. They don't cure the disease. That comes over time. You learn to work toward control of your reactions, that is part of it. One thing that worked for my younger brother was to stop associating with "toxic" people.

For a very long time, one of the toxic people was my father. This required NC with my dad, and made for a very difficult family situation for many years. Ultimately, my father came to understand his own disease, and it was in that process that the family came toward healing. That you are in the process of coming to understand the disease you have is very good - this may spare your family suffering in the future. I don't know if it is in time to save your marriage; I also don't know where your WW is in the process. It may be that she isn't in a place that is conducive to making the marriage heal. It takes two, and they both have to be able to make it work. It sounds to me like you have made progress since your first (and very disorganized!) post. Kudos to you on that! WW sounds like she needs some help to see that. And that takes time. This is not a fast process, unfortunately.

You both have problems to sort through. Stay in your counseling - it seems to be doing you good.

As for the methods by which you can get your kids into the hands of your parents? I have seen it done a number of ways. If your WW is willing, it can be done fairly easily by having an attorney write up a simple temporary guardianship paper that you both sign. Mr. Wondering, who frequents this site, is an attorney - start a thread and ask the question. He is terrific and can probably get you headed in the perfect direction. I don't know about what to do if WW isn't so hot on the idea, though. Mr. W might have a few ideas.


Regarding the rape. Your WW may still have lingering problems with the thoughts and images. For me, they lasted more than ten years. It might help her to talk to someone, even if she had counseling back then - because now that she's an adult, she might have different thoughts on it than she did back then. Things change, we change. You might mention it to her, ask her if she has thought about it and if she thinks it has any bearing on what is going on now. Worth asking, anyway.

For now, focus only on your own bipolar issues. It is what you can control. You can't control hers, and you need to get yourself under control, on the road to healing, and into a state of calmness.

I think you need to dig deeper on the anger issue. The anger was there before all of this happened, because this level of anger does not appear from nowhere. It has been festering a long time, and has made a home inside of you. You have fed this fire of anger, Kustom, for many years. Look into yourself and don't be afraid of what you know is there. It cannot hurt you to say aloud what you see inside. What hurts you most is to keep it unsaid, because it continues to fuel the anger. The very minute that you speak its name, it loses all of its power, and you will be the most free man alive.

Trust me. This is the truth.


SB

I belive that some of it is how my father left me. I have forgiven him, I and I dont feel angry anymore about it. IMHO I think that its because I hate divorce so much. It wrecks families and destroys the lives of the people that once loved eachother so much. When I was in highschool, after being rejected to date a few girls that I liked, I decided that I would never get married for fear that it would end in divorce. Now, my fears have materialized and I am unsure of what to do. I want to save my marriage but I also think that she made her bed, and can sleep in it. All I really care about at this point is myself and my children. I have finally got to the point that I am not sure if I love her anymore.

Thanks for the notice between posts of how I am doing. I feel that I am making progress, and I dont want to stop. For a long time, I didnt like myself....now I am starting to accept who I am, mental illness and all. My parents have told me that I cant truly love anyone unless I love myself. More and more I am beginning to belive that they are right.

I meet with my councelor tomorrow, hopefully I can gain more insight about this whole thing. I honestly belive that I built her affair in my mind. If she is having an affair though, do you have any ideas on how I can help her out of the fog?

Kustom

Are you taking meds for depression, or for bipolar disorder? It does make a difference.

I was hospitalized in the mental ward about 15 years ago, and hung around with the BP people. They were lots of fun, and very talented. The only problem they seemed to have was stopping their meds. Once that happened, they went downhill.

Actually I am taking meds for both, I am on two AD's and a mood stabilizer.

They definatley help, and I just was told by my councelor that I am making progress, and I am more focused and happier than when I first saw him. It makes me feel great to hear that.

Kustom

Kustom,

Your parents are right. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. That process is not easy, especially with your disease. You will be working hard in counseling. You will cry for yourself, your losses, and your gains. In the end, you will be stronger. The most important thing you must do is avoid people who are not supportive to you in the process.

Your parents sound like smart people. Lean on them.

You seem to go back and forth on whether you are sure your wife has been having an affair. I think your other thread pretty much was clear, there is an OM in the picture, and she seems like she has more or less told you that. The level of their involvement is the only question that needs to be answered.

You spoke of Plan B and of Plan A. You also spoke of not wanting to save the marriage, and of wanting to save it. You are pretty conflicted right now. My advice, wait. You aren't settled yet, you are not calm. Your decisions are not from a place of reason, they are jumping back and forth. You need to have a little time to know what you are thinking, and to allow your brain to process some information. Let me walk you through what you know:

1. Your wife is having some sort of affair. It might be an emotional affair, or physical affair. You are not sure.

2. Your wife and you are currently separated.

3. There has been a few rather angry and violent interchanges.

4. You have had police-involved interactions.

5. You have been diagnosed bipolar and depressed.

6. You have begun medications.

7. You have begun counseling, and have started making some progress.

8. You are conflicted about your marriage and your feelings about your wife.

9. You are conflicted about your current emotional state.

10. You are concerned about the welfare and safety of your kids, wanting to see them, and their future custody.

11. You are struggling with anger management problems.



Those are my observations at this point. That is enough stress for a whole group of people, let alone just one Kustom. So, I want to ask you to take a breath, and think for a moment about the 11 things I am able to name, and the dozen or so things you know about but haven't even written here about.

Do you see that you have to take your time about this?

You can't expect that you will fix yourself, your wife, your custody, etc. all this week. So, let's focus on one thing first, and that will be............

YOU.

Remember, you can't fix your wife. You can focus on you, however. Talk to your counselor about your anger, your needs there. Begin to think very hard about how you feel about your marriage, and what you truly want to do. Recovering the marriage is very difficult work, and will require a committment from you for the long term.

I like to say, "Recovery ain't for sissies."

Have you read all of the material on this website regarding marriage building?

SB

Marriage ain't for sissies either. I want to work on the marriage, but I need to know from her wether it is still salvageable. I also need to know the extent of OM's presence. She says "just a friend" but I have heard from a friend of mine that they have been flirting. I dont think that it has went to PA yet, but I can definatley notice an EA. There are so many questions to ask her, but I dont think I will get an honest awnser on any of them.

If she wants to try, I will put the best foot forward. If not, adios sister.

Tommorrow, I am going to ask her if she will be patient with me, so that I can give myself some time to grow. I also am going to ask her if she would still want to be friends "for the kid's sake".

Other than that, all I can do is sit and watch. I am so afraid of what is going to happen. I fear the worst, and hope for the best. I know that if I put my hopes behind me though, I wont be dissapointed.

A wise man once said, "Time heals all wounds."

I think that is very true in my case. And hopefully in hers.

She also suffered a divorce as a child, but she was older than I. I wonder if that might have something to do with anything....

I have come to realize that all of this will take time. I think that if she wants to be friends, I will continue with plan A, if not, I will have to go to plan B.

My parents have told me that she dosent want to see how I am doing by her actions...I think that they are going on some of the things that I have fabricated in my own mind.

In anger, I fabricated a whole affair for her. I think she is leaving me for another man, because she cares dearly for his daughter simply because she dosent have a mother. I think that all of us should take a time-out and do some much needed soul searching.

I have read much of this site, but I have missed on the unfaithful H/W parts. I think I am going to read them tonight.
Kustom