been along time since I've posted here. A little background: D-Day was Aug 13 '05. I found out of WW's affair. We've been seperated since. 15 months later the divorce is final. Well I'm just a mess. Can't sleep,eat,concentrate all those things have come to the surface again. How did all you people cope? What can i do? I feel as though I'm hanging onto sanity by a thread. your talking to me here may help I hope, Please,Thank you

Hi {{{jasper}}},

I'm sorry you are feeling so down.We've all been where you are so I understand.

The first thing I would suggest is seeing a counselor or doctor.You have some signs of depression and you may need medical assistance.Have you ever taken AD's before? Sorry, don't know your whole story.I took AD's for about 10 months when I too couldn't function or even barely get out of bed.They really helped me cope and get going even though I did feel a little numb to things but then that was a lot better than feeling that raw hurt and depression.

Did you just get the D finalized this month? That can be a real blow.Do you have family and/or friends you can talk with?

For me,what helped keep me afloat was keeping busy,as many people choose to do.Even if I didn't feel like doing anything I kind of pushed myself along.I took a LOT of long hot showers,went for long walks with my dog,rollerbladed,cleaned my house,redecorated,did things with my kids and held them a lot as that is a big comfort to me,talked and talked with my Mom and Dad venting,and resting when I felt really low.Even though you don't have physical wounds,the emotional ones can be just as painful or worse so you need to take good care of yourself.

jasper,there is a life out there for you that can be good again.Keep telling yourself that ok? I went from thoughts of suicide since the pain was so bad and the thought of my marriage and family ending to being really happy now and I know that it was for the best now that I can reflect on all of what happened with a clear mind again.I was married to a very selfish,irritable and withdrawn man the last few years of our marriage.I didn't see it so like I do now.I would have probably gone on trying to make our happy home as usual but being more frustrated at how my ex was not involved.The A just blew it all wide open.Something very wrong was going on inside my ex that had nothing to do with me.

Anyway,I am doing great now and you will be too one day.It's something to work toward.You DO MATTER jasper.You've been terribly hurt but one day you will regain strength,you will laugh again.You've got to walk through the cr** first to get there ya know? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there!! It will be ok ~Keep talking~

P.S. My D-Day was over 3 years ago so remind yourself that you have a way to go to be more healed ok?

Dear jasper,

Divorce is hard, and I can understand that your feelings are still raw. Don't forget, DDay was just a year ago. Don't expect to heal quickly... each of us go through different stages at different times, many of us take two years or more before feeling 'normal' again.

My good doctor gave me a couple of good advice, and here are a few things that I found help me through difficult patches:

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Surround yourself with family and friends, as much as you can. I had a one-year old nephew when I got separated. Playing with him, reading to him helped me put aside my loneliness and depression. He loved me visiting and we always had fun.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Do things that are different from your routine when you were married. There's where change will start. I went to a different and better grocery store, I ate at new restaurants, I drove myself to work instead of taking a train... I was not only discovering new things, but also avoiding those painful triggers.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Eat nourishing meals and exercise. Take care of yourself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> For sleepless nights, take a tranquilizer. It'll help you relax and sleep. Tomorrow's another bright beautiful day, even if you feel lousy, go out and breathe the fresh air and make pancakes for breakfast or something! Remember, treat yourself well, and do things differently.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Read, read, read. Understand your situation, you are not alone. I read a lot about affairs, lies, break ups, anger, and different types of personalities to understand my x. Once I found that understanding, I was able to let go slowly.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Find time for a new hobby. Do something that you've always been interested in but have no time to do. Attend classes. Listen to music. Be with people, and make new friends.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Talk to God. He cares and loves you, and will bless you with even greater things during this time of loss. Be with Him and He will move your life in many ways.

Take baby steps, Jasper. You're the only one who can make you feel better, so treat yourself well and don't be too harsh on yourself if you falter once in a while. Healing takes time.

Hugs,
RN

jasper9652.

For me having both of my boys help keep me BUSY, BUSY. Both are teenager with issues! (Great boys, but boys will be boys) Read, read and then read some more helped me. Understanding my ex (she has real issues! Personality Disorders) most of which I learned on line from web sites. There are so much on this issue that I am still reading and researching. It's been 6 months since she has been gone. Because of my research, I can't believe how much better I am getting! I still vent time to time. I still have my ups and downs, but it’s not as bad as it was. My depression is under control. Jasper9652. Yes, it will get better for you. If you have too tell yourself that each day. “It will get better”. All the suggestion is fantastic ones. I will do some of them myself. My family sees the changes in the boys and me. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel! I was offered AD but I choose not to take them. l. Understanding why your Marriage went bad can help you better understand it. Try not to blame or beat yourself up for your D, remember there are things that we can’t control.