What do the statistics say about marriages that do NOT survive an affair??? or what does Steve Harley say???

How many BS just can NOT do it???

bb

I thought I read somewhere that most marriages don't survive and affair (I thought I read maybe 15% do). And most affairs don't result in M to the affair partner at the time only a small percentage. Those that do end in M to the affair partner had, according to Frank Pittman, a 75% failure rate or better. Some say that affair M only make it past 5 years about 1-3% of the time.

Ours didn't.

I am also betting that if children are involved, my WW and her OM would have 3 children. 1 is his, 2 are ours, I should say. I have read that second marriages with children dont have a good chance either, so if my WW does marry the OM, thier marriage is doomed. YAY!

I have the statistics listed under the thread "Dealing with Romantic Affairs."

Actually, the chances of a marriage surviving an affair are good.

Here is the other post:

The percentage of first marriages that end in divorce is about 48; roughly half. That number goes up to 60% for second marriages, and between 65 and 68% for third marriages.

The numbers above for second and third marriages reflect couples with and without blended families. Non-blended second marriages have a chance of divorce of about 57%; blended marriages have a higher chance of failure at 62 to 64%.

I know that a marriage between my WS and the OW will never last. I know that their relationship is not going to last.
Seeing these statistics make me happy.

I wasn't able to save my marriage, either.

I'm proud that I tried, though. However, it's impossible to save the marriage when the affair doesn't end.

In my case, my ex is still living with the OW and they seem happy.

Alph.

I didn't mean marriages between WS and OP, I mean marriages where one spouse choose an affair.
Are there statistics of how many marriages recovered and never got divorced.
How many people stayed together and worked on their marriage after a spouse had an affair?

If a couple stayed together after an affair affected their marriage and tryed to make things work out, how many of them ended up getting divorced because it just didn't work anymore? How many years later did it end as a divorce even though both the WS and BS gave their best to make things work?

bb

I wish Steve Harley could give me an answer on this. :-)

bb

Well, you need to interpret the above stat. 85% of those marriages where one or both spouses were involved in an affair and sought counseling did not divorce. But there is no mention of a time limit on any of the statistics I have seen about this, so it is possible that years after reconciliation some of these couples did divorce, possibly from an inability to truly recover after the affair, or from other reasons.

There is also a small percentage of divorced couples who re-marry. Pittman says in his practice most couples affected by infidelity, whether divorced or not, can be found together again at the five year mark.

I'm curious...why do you ask?

I'm asking this because I'm heading towards the 6th year since D-d and I've reached a point right now where I feel that this whole situation has changed me for life..........(well, I know it has) I'm aware that "infidelity" changes "everyone"......for life!

I somehow feel that I can't find "me" anymore............(hope that made sence)

My husband is wonderful and our marriage is better than ever and yet..................the "pain" is still there. I feel as if I have been "traumatized" so badely that I may "never" be able to "get over it".

I still can't drive to certain places without terrible "flash backs". I still get "hang up" calls. I still can't hear certain songs and watch certain movies with woman that resemble xOW. I still have a terrible time during the months that the affair occured. (October, November, December.....till the 13th of January (D-D)

I'm certain that the affair is over and I'm more than sure that there is NO contact. My husband is accountable at all times. We spend so much time together and he's with me whenever possible. He phones inbetween and pops in whenever he can for a quick coffee. (we've got our own business, so this is possible)

I'm asking this question because I want to know if this happens to others too. Even if everything seems to be great...........I want to know if some BS's go through the same and find out after such a long time that they just can't do it any longer............no matter how great it is.

It saddens me so badely when I think that my husband is not the guy I believed he was. He's not the exception. He's a man and his reactions were like the "majority".........
I've come to believe that it's a real exception for a man to "turn around" and "walk away" when he gets the opputurnity to stray...............

I've had plenty of opputurnities to jump into bed with other men.................but..............I ran!!!!! I ran to my husband every time and he always knew what he meant to me. I just feel that this whole situation has sucked the guts out of me....................I gave "everything" to get him out of the fog and to get him on the road of honesty.

Now I have it and it's as if I payed a high price.

I felt as if I had to be "extrodinary" throughtout the past years since his affair.......... I was busy, reading the books, fullfilling his needs, getting my needs fullfilled.....and now here I am..................

He enjoys quiet evenings at home, reading, the computer,spending time with our family and and and.........everything I always dreamt about.............and again, here I am.............

I feel as if I had to loose myself in order to have what I now have. I lost my self-confidence, I fell into depression, I drank, I freaked out, I begged, we fought physically, I felt ugly and still do at times, I felt as if I could never be as sexual as xOW, I felt so low because of the things xOW told me and did to me...........and and and

And now...............life is normal again and I'm supposed to be the "good, old"me again?????????

If this is the life my husband always dreamed about, then why the &&&& did he have to have an affair??? This is what I'm asking myself..almost 6 years after d-d.

Maybe I'm NUTS, I don't know.....but I was honestly expecting our life to be more exciting than it is now. I mean, he was telling me throughout the years what he expected and it surely wasn't what it is now.......and now he's telling me that this is the life he dreamed about???

He now loves the things he used to hate...........he even likes reading and he hated this so much. He couldn't stand me because I read so much and he couldn't stand me when I was on the computer and he now loves doing it himself.

Throughout the years, I stopped reading as much as I did, I stopped being on the computer as much as I was. I made alot of changes and it now seems as if my husband is now doing the things I loved to do but no longer do anymore.

So here I am again..............I'm plain and simply "sucked".

I'm sorry that this post isn't very encouraging.

bb

These are the things that you should be radically honest about in your R. Your H should be aware of these feelings that you are having. You are heading down a bad road when you decide to stow these feelings away and not share it with your FWH. It sounds like there is a need of yours that is not being fulfilled. Is it all work and no play for you two? Do you enjoy romance? Do you want to get out of the house; go places; see movies; dinner; dancing; etc.?Have you asked for it, by your actions?

DO NOT hold these things in. Open the door to communication with your FWH. He can help you. You two are in this together, right? Don't shut him out; your discontent can be like a cancer if left unchecked.

Blond:

Sounds like life doesn't it?

Where is the fireworks? The spark and sizzle?

What plans do you have and what are you doing to move forward with those plans?

Just my opinion....

BB-

Your post rings a bell with me!
I ended up divorced. I read all the right books, made a few of the right moves, and in the end my WxH could not pull his head out fast enough, so we ended up divorced. I have no regrets. I know I tried. And now I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 2 years. I have no regrets about the past. My marriage ended. My WxH eventually got dumped by OW#1, so he moved on to OW#2, and they are now married. I have ended up WAY better off.
HOWEVER. I still suffer a lot of the same stuff you do. Certain places, songs, times, give me flashbacks. I have not seen OW#1 in over 3 years, but she was a cop (may still be a cop – I don’t know for sure) so, when I drive through the town where she worked, I still worry that I might see her! If a cop car drives by I feel my heart beat a little faster.
I don’t think this has anything to do with my ex H, or fear that she will some how “come after me”. I think it is just linked to the fact that I have suffered a major trauma. An attack against me - and to my family. I no longer feel completely safe.
My new H is a great man. He has a mighty heart for God! But I still worry that if I don’t do the right thing – or say the right thing – that he could potentially stray. I remember the times my ex brought up issues that had happened many years ago – and threw them in my face as his excuse to cheat. I remember when he said “you never did X, Y or Z enough so I had to find someone else. I had no choice.” and now, I worry that I may make a similar mistake now, and have it come back to haunt me again 10years from now.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is this – leaving your H is not going to make all this stuff go away – it will follow you to the next relationship. It is with you. And at least with this H, you know what is good, and what is bad. You can openly discuss the past, and plan for the future. So don’t throw out this H just yet, thinking that it will somehow rid your mind of the haunting memories. They don’t go away like that.
My new H and I have been getting counseling, and it has been great. At first, I suggested counseling thinking that we needed to get our M off to a good start – and I thought my H needed the counseling! At this point – I realize I need it too. I thought that since I have read all the right books, and understand the whole concept of his needs, her needs, etc, that I am some sort of R expert. Turns out, I am still carrying a lot of my old baggage, old fears. I still have a lot to learn
I realized a couple of weeks ago that I have been feeling like every little thing I say or do somehow has the ability to make or break our M. I fear that if I say one harsh word – he will leave. Also, I feel like all I have to do is meet all his needs, every need, for the rest of my life, and things will always be Rosy. My counselor pointed out that this is all WAY too much pressure to put onto myself, and frankly, I really don’t have that sort of control anyway.

How about counseling? Have you tried it? Could you give it a try (again?).

Hang in there. You are not unusual. You are actually quite normal. But it may be time to tell your H that you still have some healing to do, and ask him to help you through this final leg of your journey.

Blond,

I am the BH of a FWW. We went through this nearly 20 years ago. We stayed together after she came clean and was totally remorseful for her hurtful actions.

I have been where you are over and over but the truth is I still love my FWW and truely can't see myself with anyone else.

I have never gone through any kind of counseling just couldn't see it somehow. I just learned to deal with the hurt and talk myself out of it when it came. Definitely not an easy thing to do and it still come around some times. Learned to move on inspite of it because it was an unproductive thing to dwell on. Instead I(we) would always work together to have the best relationship possible not just under the circumstances but the best relationship possible PERIOD.

My FWW has been totally transparant throughout the last 20 years and has shown me that I am the one that she chose and wants to be with. I admire her tenacity and new found strength of character since her affair, not during. She has had a lot to deal with from me since then at times. I keep it to myself for the most part but she knows when I get into a funk that I am dealing with it. I always tried to hide it from her but she knows.. she just keeps on letting me know that it is me not the OM she wants, and really always has, just didn't know it at the time. Wierd HUH!!

But It has gotten much better from reading and talking with her over the years. Right now our relationship is the best, most intimate, closest it has ever been. So there really is hope if you work with your H and let him know you need help in dealing with this and you really want to continue your life with him and make it stronger, happier and healthier than it has ever been. He will understand if he is there for you as you have described. Probably doesn't even realize what you are going through. We men are so dense aren't we.

This sight has much to offer, a great wealth of information and many people that can give great advice. Keep reading and posting help is out here.

Wish I had had it 20 years ago.

IMHO, WOF has it right. My marriage was not recovered, and I still have many, many triggers, all of the time. To me it is like post traumatic stress syndrome, which is a NORMAL reaction to trauma.

But I made the decision that the choices of my WH are NOT going to ruin my life or any of my relationships. That would be giving too much power over my life to someone else.

Day by day, relationships with my extended family on his side are healing. Day by day, my life is getting happier and happier.

I choose to have my actions reflect my core values. I was off that track for awhile, but it is the only way to true happiness, self-esteem and serenity.

Blond,

WH and I are headed for D, should be final soon.

I so can relate to you. I feel as if he has changed my life forever and I am so resentful. How dare he do this to me? I feel so betrayed. I honestly don't think I will ever get over it. I have been in IC for awhile now. Helps some, but I guess I can equate it to being violated. He shared something with another woman that was supposed to be mine. I don't know if I can ever get over that and I'm afraid that if he does wake up before we D, I will end up like you 5 or 6 years from now wondering if it was worth it. Don't get me wrong, I do still love him, silly me, but I'm just not sure if it's enough to get past all of this.

Maybe it's just me and the type of person I am.

It really depends on you and how much want to make this relationship work. Your WH came back and you went to bat for him to help him get over the affair. You deserve the same from him. You have not recovered because all of your focus was him recovering and coming back to you.

He needs to be made aware that you are in this frame of mind and he needs get off his A$$ and help you. Just becasuse he thinks things are back to normal they most definitely are not. And who wants just "back to normal". You deserve better and so does he.

I know the pain you are feeling "been there done that" goin on 20 years. The only thing that has made it endurable is the fact that my W has been there everystep of the way. There were times when I was not sure wanted her to be but she endured along with me. Also knowing the fact that just because we were to get the big D it would not remove the pain. It would still be there only probably worse and I would not have her with me to help get me through it. And finally I sure would not want to bring that baggage with me into another relationship. As strange as it seems, from my perspective, the one who can best help us get through this is the one that caused the pain to start with.

Don't give up before you have given your M every possible chance

Thanks so much for all the responses.

My husband knows my feelings. I've told him what I feel. I haven't held back anything...........

We've had so many talks about feelings and the pain........it's unbelievable. I can talk to him about everything and he's very loving and understanding.

I don't want another relationship with anyone........

The saddest part for me is that the last time we were getting professional help because of all the hangup calls and other wierd things that were happening.........it turned out that my husband was lying to both me and the concelour.

xOW had intiated contact with my husband an they had talked to each other a few times. He swears that the affair was over and he swears that xOW intiated the contact but he was scared to death to tell me the truth.

Again..........my husband knows what I feel about this. I feel that this was a second betrayal because he had the chance to open up and to proove that he was honest and he didn't. I had to pull it out of his nose..........until he finally opened up.

I had no proof at that time..........it was my gut feeling!

This situation was so devasting for me because we were doing fantastic at that time. Our life was the best I could ever imagine. This was 3 years after d-d and there was no reason at all for this.

I had been getting hang-up calls...........daily. Strange cars were driving past my house and I felt as if I was perenoid. My husband was so supportive and he gave me strength.
He even suggested that we should get professional help. I felt great for this support and I felt that my husband was the shoulder for me to lean on................

But my life "fell apart" one more time when I found out that he knew all along that it was the xOW doing this. He knew it and he didn't open up. He had the chance and he abused my trust once again.

We've talked about this and he knows what I feel. i've told him that if the affair really wasn't going on, there was/is no reason at all that he didn't open up and tell the truth.

This was approx. 3 years ago...............maybe I'm dying inside. Maybe this is killing the love that I always had for my husband...........I don't know.

He can't tell me "why" he was capable to do this.........he only says that he was scared to death. He was afraid of my reaction. I cannot understand him at this point.
It was easier for him to let me believe that I was "nuts" instead of opening up.

I think about this this way. If there was really nothing "going on" between my husband and xOW at that time, he would of opened up. If xOW was the one intiating contact, he would of opened up and told me and the concelor.
He swears that the affair was over and that NOTHING was going on.............

I was giving my best. I was fullfilling ALL of his needs and still it doesn't seem as if that was enough. And NOW..........almost 6 years after D-D.........

I don't get it.
bb