Another thing my H said:

At the healing workshop this past weekend, when he talked about our stillbirth and the loss of his Dad, he cried. But, when he talked about us, he didn't cry.

He said that told him something to...

That is just his Fog horn sounding off!

Ditto.

He's talking out of his a**. Don't buy it.

i_p, if you are buying this, you're getting all fogged out yourself.

Stop that! You've got to start thinking clearly here and NOT emotionally. You are strong ~ get it together so you can work on getting your H back (NOT your WH!!) and start fixing your M.

Then you can join me and my FWH over on the Recovery board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

~MF

IP,

Chin up, many people on this board have had false recoveries. Your plan A was working on him. He moved back in for a while. He ended it with OW. However, he was still in contact with OW, and he got sucked back in. He is an ADDICT! He doesn't realize he is, and he doesn't realize how things can be better once NC is established and he gets through withdrawal. That thing you did when you were 22 is just an excuse he is using to try and justify in his own mind why he did such a horrible thing. It has nothing to do with your current situation. If he didn't have that to fall back on it would just be something else. Call up SH today!! I'll join up with MEDC to help pitch in if necessary. YOU WILL WIN YOUR WH BACK! Everytime your husband tells you it's over just repeat, I'm not giving up on our M and our family. You WILL win this battle. You need to get your husband and the OW split up. There needs to be nuclear exposure on the OW to get her out of the picture. You'll get through this, you just need to believe in yourself.

I want nothing more than that! It just seems so hopeless right now. I really feel like I've lost him. I just can't get it together today. I feel like I can't function.

Another thing I'm terrified about is that I am a stay at home mom. It was a decision we both made for me to stay home with our son when he was born. I feel like he's left me with nothing. I can't afford to live in our house. We also just bought a brand new mini van a few months after my son was born. I don't know what I'm going to do financially.

What do I do tonight when he comes home from work and packs his things and moves out? What do I say? There's no way I'll not be able to cry...

Just to clarify...my H never moved out before. He only threatened it a few times. He got his apartment in Dec., but he told me he was going to get rid of it. He told me the day after New Years. He did tell the OW that he was goign to work on his marriage and get rid of the apartment and she went nuts. She cried, called him names and wrote him many e-mails, etc...So, did he really stop seeing her? I don't know. You are right, he did still have contact with her nonetheless. So, how do I get him to realize that things will get better once NC has been established and withdrawal is over? Should I ask him to read Surviving An Affair?

Right, Plan B means that you don't see, speak, interact, nothing with him, so TRY TRY TRY to have your last moments with him be GOOD, FAKE IT...

The part of you having any control over WH's mind/decisions is an illusion that you've made for yourself; YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OF HIM, never did, as he has no control over you. Someone above mentioned you harkening back to the time of YOUR affair and trying to remember you state of mind, reasoning. That could be a good tool for you in learning how to handle a WS (you were there once).

He is most definitely wayward, fogged out, and unreachable right now. Open the cage door, otherwise he will break the latch anyway. Let him go, smile sweetly, then retreat to lick your wounds.

Please, take care of your CHILD, who needs mommy so much. Do this for you and your child.

Also, that stuff about him having the A to test his love for your, IS BULLSH!T....Totally and complete! BLAH BLAH BLAH, he's trying to snow you, DON'T LET HIM.

Get control of yourself; you can do it! Step outside yourself and see what you ARE right now; That is what you WH sees...Turn it around; take care of yourself, no more crying at his feet, begging, pleading; I am living PROOF as many others here are, THAT does NOT work. My WH left anyway. I'm in Plan B, and although it is difficult, it is better than the alternative. I don't WANT this man in my life anymore. If your WH is never to change and continues to treat you like he is RIGHT NOW, do you want him...?

Thank you both so much. I will let both of you know if I do decide to call SH. I do want to, but I just don't know if it would be right to accept money from you.

I just don't have any money right now. If I have to accept money, it will certainly be paid back to you when I could get it.

You think that would be the best thing for me right now, to call SH?

Being a BH myself, I can understand those feelings. Tell me, how did the recovery go for the first few months after D-Day? Were you fully committed to recovering the M, and did you make it very clear to your BH all the time that you were not only very remorseful for what you did, but you wanted to be with HIM and no-one else from then on?

I've been down this road twice, so I think I can advise on what recovery efforts on the part of the WS work, and what won't.

The recovery effort my FWW put in after her first A worked wonders - she went all out to show that what she did was a huge mistake, that it would never happen again, and I was the person she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She bent over backwards to show this to me.

As for the recovery effort she's putting in now, let's just say that it's making me feel like I'm being "settled for", not loved, and almost 2 years after D-Day we seem to be struggling to restore that "connection" that we once had.

I think if your BH was in the same frame of mind I am now, it's likely he would have been susceptible to getting involved in an A of his own if the OP was and is prepared to show him that he's the most important person in her life.

Of course this is not an excuse of course for his behaviour - there's no good excuse for a M'd person to get themselves involved in an A.

BTW - I notice that you mentioned all the nice things that he did for you during those 7 years. What did you do for him to show him that he was special to you? Exactly when did you make those changes you're referring to? If we were to ask him if you did things to made him feel that your M was most important, how do you think he would respond?

Finally, I'm really sorry that you are in this position, and I do hope that the OW turns out to be a miserable old goat (she's off to a fine start with dishonesty) and your BH/WS comes back to you as soon as possible. If you want him back, be prepared to show him that you *want* him, in a way that HE understands.

YES!!!

You'll feel better because you will have a plan. IP, it isn't over, it is just another bump in the road. Your M isn't over unless you give up.

BTW, your WH's money is your money, too. If you don't want to take it from us, just rack him up a little debt. If your WH has enough to rent another apartment, then he can pay for a call to save your M and family. It's also much cheaper than a divorce.

This is what I really want to e-mail my H today:

Were all the cards you gave me over the years lies? Was everything you said to me over the years lies? Just last year, you wanted to have another baby with me! Remember..._________(our last name) Boys come in 2!?

I know what the root of our marriage problem was, but how could you say she's not a problem for us? The only reason you gave up on me was because of her. You told me you wanted a divorce when your emotional affair was well underway and your physical affair was just about to begin. You only wanted a divorce because you were having an affair.

Over the last 9 months, you did nothing for the good of our marriage. Try it! Try to do things for the good of our marriage. You will find that it will be something you want to hold on to.

You are doing exactly what I asked you not to. When you think of the future with me, you are thinking about the past. Don't do that. The past would have nothing to do with our future. Lets leave the past in the past. Everything about our marriage would be completely different.

Just last week, you looked me in the eye and practically assured me that you weren't moving out. You said you were staying here. You wanted to do what it took to work on the marriage. Why won't you give your feelings of wanting to work on the marriage a try? You feel that way for a couple of days and then you block those feelings out and change your mind? You don't give them a chance. You didn't give our marriage a chance for the last 9 months.

Your dream was to be married to me with a house, good job and kids. You can have that dream. Give us a chance.


I guess I shouldn't send it?

Don't send it. We all know that you are speaking the truth, but don't send it. You must start realizing that these WS's are in the fog, and not thinking right.

Hang in there, and don't give up. Most WS's return to the family.

NOOOOOO! Do not send this, Call SH before you do ANYTHING else. Anything you say to your WH right now will just bounce off of him. You have to SHOW him the way...

Where is your WH getting the money for the apartment? Is it from your savings? you are certainly entitled to spend 185 on SH- that is much less than an apartment.

If you have a charge card, use it. Let him pay for it in the long run.

Honestly, I don't think you can afford NOT to call SH.

When he learned of me cheating, I begged him for forgiveness. I literally got down on my hands and knees and cried and asked for forgiveness. I stopped all contact with the OM. We did work together; we worked for the same company, but he was in a different office most of the time. So, I didn't see him often at all. When I did see him, I only talked to him when I had to and it was about work. Shortly after my H found out, the OM got another job, so that made it easier too. I haven't seen him since. I don't even know if he's still in the same town as us. I haven't seen him at all in about 6 years, I guess.

I was very young when all this happened. I was only 22. I didn't even really know about marriage counseling, but we should have had it back then. I thought I was forgiven. We went on with our lives. I got my H cards and wrote nice things in them as well. I really could have done more to make him feel better about himself and our relationship; there's no doubt about that. I definitely could have done more. The biggest problem for me is, I didn't know we still had a problem. I really thought it was behind us.

I started making personal changes around May 06 when my H said he wanted a divorce. I made a lot of personal changes and my H recognizes them. I think he knows I'm making the M a priority.

His grandmother died in July and his mom got money from her house, etc...His mom gave him some of that money for the apt. I don't think he used any of our savings for it. Although, I can't be sure; he handles all the finances.

I guess I can put it on a credit card.

credit card or savings - either way - let him pay for it

Definitely not. All I read there was you chastising him. I didn't feel any love there, at all. Read over your letter - is there anything there that will actually attract him back into the M?

I take it then that the A happened in 2000, just two years after you were M'd, and at the time you had no children? How long did the A go on for?

It would have been extraordinarily difficult on your H to handle your betrayal, particularly as it apparently occurred within the "honeymoon" period of your M.



At this point he's probably suspicious of those changes; he probably thinks that it took 7 years and his announcement of wanting a divorce in order for you to decide to make them.

I say give it time and continue to show your H that you can be the best partner in a LTR / M. Make sure that if he leaves, he leaves with the best impression of you.