Someone told me to post my questions here. I do have the details of my story on "Just Found Out" under "Need Advice To Save My Marriage".

How long can someone be in the fog? My H has been w/ OW since June. He told me then our M is over & he is still saying the same thing. Is this hopeless? Does he really mean it? He hasn't filed for D & says he hasn't thought of when he'll do it, but still plans a life w/out me.

If exposure doesn't work to break up the A, is there any hope of it ending? Everyone has known since Sept. & it has done nothing to hasten its demise. Only his parents have shown tough love, but now they are showing him unconditional love, even tho they made it clear to him that they will not meet OW until the girls & I are okay.

How long can I do plan A for? Want to give it my all for as long as I can.

Any advice would be SO appreciated. Thank you.

Read Surviving an AFfair, take the emotional needs questionnaire and call Steve H (in that order) for a plan.

Plan A is NOT about winning the WS back. In reality you want your H back NOT the WS.

Plan A is to help U improve U and when the opportunity arises, let him acknowledge your changes. When you are done making your improvements and he is still a WS, then move to plan B.

Most WS' want the BS t/d the D work. Refuse until U R ready to do so. Until then give him back his guilt and WS crap.

Identify your perosnal boundaries and secure your finances. Setup IC for your children as needed and call Steve.

L.

Orchid:

What is IC? These acronyms kill me! I looked on the "Just Found Out" acronyms list and couldn't find this one.

Thanks!

IC=Independent Counseling

IC=Individual Counseling

Mrs. W

Dr. Harley states that most affairs die a natural death within 2 years of exposure. It may appear that nothing has change and your exposure had no effect however you can trust that it did. The relationship is bogus but as long as it remains a secret it becomes increasingly passionate. The "secrecy" create an environment wherein adultery thrives. Once it is exposed it just becomes less passionate and more real.

Sometimes coachroaches stramble when you turn on the lights. Other times they just try to hide themselves better but remain. Exposure takes time. However, instead of a secret affair they now must try to be a somewhat real relationship and love busters usually commence (though you'll have no idea).

My wife and I share the email address below. Please email us as there is a file I'd like to share with you that I can't post on MB.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you Orchid & Mr.Wondering for your valuable info.

I tried to order "Surviving An A" online, but I live in Canada & have to wait till Monday. Anyone know a place I can get it here in Canada?

Also, I thought Dr. Harley wrote here at MB that an A usually dies w/in 6 months of being exposed, not 2 yrs.
I know I still have a few months, as it only became exposed in September, but I was just wondering when I should start to see it dying off?

Thanx everyone 4 being such an awesome support during such a dark time.

Have been doing Plan A for about a month now. WH lives on his own, but comes home every couple of days to see our daughters. He is still openly w/ OW & even spoke of them moving in together in January. Is our M doomed? To see them getting closer instead of further apart makes me think so. Has anyone had this happen during Plan A?

My WH shows signs of care for us alot. Maybe to alleviate the guilt? But how do I know if it is truly becuz Plan A is working on him?

I am afraid to ask if he has decided when he is going to file for D, for fear of the answer, but that is where we left off last month before I started Plan A. I want to keep trying to make this M work.

Any suggestions out there?

Does anybody out there have any answers to my questions above?

Just need some insight/advice. Want desperately for my M to make it!

Any comments would be greatly welcomed. Thank you SO much!

Sadly, the best thing is probably for them to move in together. Then they will have to face everyday issues. That usually ends the affair.

You are very early in this. Stay in Plan A for at least 3 months, and then you might want to go to Plan B.

Chances are very good that your husband will return to you. It is just miserable in the meantime.

Just read something about an "exit A". Could someone tell me what that is?

Also, just wondering if there is any way to tell if Plan A is working? My WH is showing more care towards us, but maybe it's to free his guilt a little? Not sure.

Lastly, I don't want to be "blind-sided" (again) by my WH telling me he has filed for Dv. He has said he is planning to, but the last time we spoke, wasn't sure when. Since starting Plan A, I haven't brought it up....should I? Just don't want to be taken by suprise like when he walked out on us. Don't think I could handle that pain again, considering all the effort I am putting into Plan A.

Any advice/comments would be SO greatly welcomed. Thanx!

Sammie

An exit affair is when your spouse has an affair to get you to end it because they can't end it themselves.

Unless you are one of the 15% where plan A ends the affair, it is hard to know whether Plan A is working. It is working if you feel better about yourself.

Don't talk about your relationship with your WH or divorce. If he hasn't filed for divorce by now it means that he is unsure. You have a decent chance to save your marriage. Do plan A for about 3 months and then move to plan B. This will likely get him to come back to you. In the meantime, it will suck. If this is what you truly want, it will be worth it, but it will not be fun in the meantime.

Thanx 4 your response.

Are exit affairs to be handled in a different way? Is there less hope for the M if the A is an exit affair?

Tonight is our monthly MC. Are there any do's/don't's, being that I am in Plan A?

I know we aren't supposed to talk about our M, but obviously that is the point of this counselling. We have been focusing more on my H dealing w/ his hurt 2 years ago & on his forgiveness of the church, me, & God (the details of what happened are under "Just Found Out--Need Advice to Save My M"). Should I let that continue or try talking more about dealing w/ the A?

Any thoughts would be so greatly welcomed. Thank you.

Feels like I haven't posted in so long, yet it's only been about 3 weeks!

It has been a good 3 weeks, guess that's why I didn't feel the need to post. I was doing a good plan A till last w/e when I let my WH see my hurt emotionally. I just couldn't keep my chin up & be all happy anymore.

NEhow, he came out & told me that I have one month to figure out how & where the OW will see our daughters (she already met them twice when over at our home when he was still living w/ us & they "just friends").

I am completely devastated. I don't know what to do. How can I get him to change his mind? This will be of no benefit for our girls.....only add to the confusion & hurt.

Any ideas out there? Anyone else dealt this kind of blow?
Please help w/ any words of wisdom. Thank you.

I would see an attorney about getting a legal separation and putting it in the papers that your daughters are not to be around the homewrecker.

Sheeshh, where is this man coming from? Does he think a homewrecker gets visitation?

Please get some counseling for yourself.

Absolutely! Don't waste any time. Find attorney tomorrow. Your' WH has no right to expect that your DD's should get to know the OW ever and certainly not now. Protect them with an LSA first. Then see if it's possible to get RO against OW if necessary.

Sounds like he is trying to push you to file for a D since he hasn't yet. He doesn't want to be the one that gets the blame for ending the M.

Appreciate both of your words of wisdom. Thank you.

But what about Plan A?

Am I to throw in the towel & begin the legal end to our M?
I want us to reconcile & don't want to show my WH any sign of backing down on fighting for our M. Doesn't filing for legal seperation only show him I've given up?

Is there some other way to promote reconciliation w/out the OW "befriending" our DDs?

If he is trying to get me to file for D, does that mean that all hope is gone & I just should let go? Is there not anything else I can do in order to change his mind about this insanity?

If you can get a legal separation in your state, look into that. It is not showing him you don't want the marriage. It is showing him that you will protect your family.

He is waaaayyyyyyyy out there demanding that you arrange a time for your daughters to see the OW.

Is he mentally okay?

Telling your WH that you want to save your M is independent of doing whatever is necessary to protect your children from the wayward's actions. You can plan A, not commit DJ's, LB's, etc all the while having boundaries and expectations that are reasonable, sane and in the best interest of your family. Your WH obviously has no interest in protecting your children only to legitimize his affair w/ OW by bringing the children into it and in order to make her "feel better" and part of the family. Well, she will never be part of the family, period, regardless of WH's delusional attempts to make it so.

Stand tall for your children. My EX WW did the same thing and I told her that if she persisted that there would be consequences in court. She persisted and I fulfilled my end of the promise to her. She lives with every other weekend visitation now.

Thanx 4 all your responses. And they're all on the same page.....to get a legal seperation. I can't believe that there isn't something more I could do or say to get my WH to change his mind.

Now, do I wait until he brings up our DDs meeting w/ the OW again, & then tell him "No. Or else I'll file for legal seperation"? How do I handle this w/out pushing him away further. I am afraid that if I don't do this for him, then he will become so angry that he will file for D.

I was thinking about not bringing it up again at all until he does.

Any suggestions? I'm not sure how to state the boundaries w/out getting him very upset w/ me. He still states that he sees no "miracle" happening in our M & is very openly w/ OW, to the point of stating that they may soon be moving in together.

Any hope at this point? I think this was maybe an exit A.....any chance we'll make it if it was?