Argh,

WW just left me a message about needing me to keeping the kids since she is feeling sick. On the one hand I think "Too bad, deal with it yourself," but on the other hand I would like to save the day, so to speak.

I already have plans tonight since it's the usual night for her to have them, but I could get out of them.

Not sure what to do here yet. Any suggestions?

You are potentially in a custody battle

Take the kids.

Demonstrate their priority and your ability to coparent and be the "go to" parent.

If this were a friday night and you suspected a date or something social WW wanted to do...no way would you take them at the last minute. But her being sick...take them.

Mr. Wondering

You're still in plan A...right?

I suggest you change your plans, take the kids, and respond with something like: "I would be happy to watch the kids any time! Is there anything I can get for you on my way over? Aspirin or Aleve for example? Orange Juice or warm 7-up?"

Usually, even if it feels counter-intuitive, stick with the plan you're in.

HOWEVER, all that niceness being said, I would also document in your calendar (or however you document) that you had the kids an extra day (for custody purposes), that she was unable to care for them, etc. Carrot and stick in Plan A...remember?

Your faithful friend,



CJ

P.S. I'm working on your reply now, as we speak.

Yeah, I know that it's the right thing to do but a part of me hates having to do it.

I get all this crap from her and I have to still be the lighthouse.

Thanks for the email...it's called taking the high road!

You are the lighthouse for the kids, for you W when she looks back with clear vision and for yourself, to build and rebuild the ethical character upon which the stress of dealing with WW constanttly wears.

I know it is hard, but it is solidifying your spiritual strength, readying you for what may come.

You will regret your mis-steps - you will regret the lost time and dreams you had for your marriage, but you wil NEVER regret being the light house for your children or the W hidden in the monster.

Imagine she is struggling, bound and gagged inside by the alien WW, it will make it easier.


Linda

I have a vent session coming on later tonight.

Okay--as long as you are being the lighthouse and watching the kids while your WW is sick, you can vent all you want!

CJ - well, I missed your post that you went back and read my whole thread.. Congratulations, that's quite some reading. I am anxiously awaiting your analysis.

Silverpool - I don't think I have ever said thanks for your input to date - so now I say "Thanks." Not only do I regret my own missteps, the lost time and dreams of my marriage - I am grieving those loses.

I got the kids, asked WW if she needed anything (She said no as I expected), asked her about tomorrow (She thinks she will be OK), asked her if I could make her some soup or something (again, no). So she will just be sick at home, alone.

I kept my dinner plans, and I took the kids with me. We ate outside and a little place called the overlook grill (http://www.overlookgrill.com) just outside Falls Park (http://www.fallspark.com/). We ate outside and the kids had fun running around with other kids. We took some pictures and had a really fun time. We will go back to the park another time and play in the water some.

On the way home I TM'ed WW to make sure she was OK and made sure she was OK for tomorrow.

---------------------------

OK, rant/vent time:

I am really getting sick an tired of this crap. First we have that TM exchange, then she turns around and has the nerve to ask what is bothering me - as if she does not know. Then good ol' E has to save the day because she is sick. I compare this to what Dogfood posted on his thread - WW wants to be free but still needs all this support from me. What gives here? Chalk it up to entitlement, selfishness, what? I am really tired of saving her butt from the consequences of her own decisions. I've done it so many times - sometimes happily like when we were married, other times begrudgingly like before we were married and now. After all that's happened I really find myself asking - why do I want to stay married to her? Will she change? Can she change? I know God can change her if she wants Him to - but does she really want that? What the heck does she want? Does she even know what she wants?

OK rant/vent over for now.
--------------------------------------------------

Regarding my next steps (Plan A, B, LMNOP) I was reminded of this verse:

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Plan B would accomplish this because the well is running low.

Eph

State strong my brother

Now you're getting it.

Eph, you need Plan B very badly.

Might be a good time to start working on a PBL.

~ Marsh

VR - thanks. As you well know it's hard. I just read up on your latest thread. Tough stuff for you right now as well. You stay strong as well.

Marsh - as a FWW what's your take on where she is? I am wondering if she will ever hit her rockbottom. Someone else will catch her/enable her - always has.

Eph,

I first wanted to respond to what Mr. W said. I agree!! You should always take the kids. I would go further than Mr. W and say that you should take the kids ANYTIME...even if you suspect it is because she might be going on a date. Why?

Because, as Mr. W stated...you are in a custody battle. So far, the court gave the kids to you. But, if you can prove that she cant do it alone (and you can)...if you can prove that she will drop the kids and her time with them for time with the paramour...then you will have handed your attorney a slam dunk case.

Personally, I wouldnt even trust the fact that she is sick! Know what I would do? I would either have someone check up on your wife and make sure she is sick and alone...or I would have my mother watch my kids for a few minutes, as I ran some soup over (or something like that). I wouldnt go alone, though. I would have someone there that could state they saw her with someone else.

If it is a date night, then you get the pics/witnesses/etc and record it all. You say NOTHING to her about what you know! NOTHING! You keep on doing your Plan A. Then, you take all of the info to your attorney and begin drafting your PBL.

Since you are in a custody fight and right now hold the upper hand, I would begin to get my Plan B act together...but not launch quite yet. When is your court date? The reason I ask is that the day after court might be the perfect time to go dark!

Anyway, you need to add the intel part of your Plan A. You need to be constantly updating your journal. You need to prove that YOU are the better parent. You need to show that your wife is more concerned with the OM than with her own kids. You need the proof.

You need this also because once you have the info, it is that info that you will use to launch your Plan B. You will tell her that you have had enough, that you can no longer take her betrayal. The pain is too high. Added to that, you cannot continue to watch her drag the kids down. Thus, until she has ended her adulterous behavior, you can no longer have contact with her except thru...(then fill in the blank with whatever method is best for communicating about the kids).

I fear you are doing a lot of Plan A nice stuff (meeting needs) but are doing little to protect your backside. Your wife needs to be penned in...she NEEDS to feel like her world is closing in on her. That can only happen if, while meeting her needs, you begin to make sure she cant have any wiggle room. That no matter which way she turns, she loses. That is, unless she turns back home!!

I am in agreement with MM and others that you are getting close to having to go to Plan B. Your anger is starting to well up. That is understandable. But not a good thing while in Plan A. You are going to need to soon...protect not only your heart...but also protect your wife from yourself!

So, get the PBL ready (put it up here so we can help amend it if needed). Get intel on what she is doing!!! Begin to get your life set-up so you can do this all on your own (meaning without her) and set-up the proper avenues for her to exchange information concerning the kids.

After court last summer, I went dark. While my wife used text messaging as the avenue to exchange data...she tried only on 5 different occasions over the next four months, to talk to me. I would not talk. Not about anything that wasnt related to the kids. And even with that, she might say something...I say nothing...and then I text her my response later. If she texted something that had nothing to do with the kids...I NEVER responded!

At first, she loved it. She almost never tried anything. But after two months, as the kids went back to school and she began to see that the judge had really awarded me with most of the time with the kids...and the fact that she had NOTHING coming from me and no one else that could meet those needs...then she started to try to contact me.

One morning in early October, I believe...she called me at 6am as I was trying to get ready for work. I knew her shcedule, and knew she didnt have to work that day...so it would be strange for her to call me at that time. I thought maybe this was a kid emergency, as the kids were with her that night for her visitation. So I answered.

She wanted to know if I was dating. My response? "Mrs. Mortarman, I am NOT having this discussion." She persisted to try to get me to talk. I told her that unless she was talking reconciliation, than I didnt want to talk to her again...ever.

Two weeks later, she called and wanted to talk reconciliation. And today, she is in her last trimester of her pregnancy. We have been to the Marriage Builders weekend. She is fully bought into the marriage and MB principles. The fog was broken.

It took Plan B. It took me getting healthy in Plan B...moving forward so I was ready for whatever came my way.

Eph, take your last Plan A stand now. Get it all done. Then, go dark. And the Lord will take care of the rest.

Eph,

Mortarman has said it so well I have nothing to add. Listen to him!

Eph,

What I find most interesting is her continued insistance on your being open and honest w/ her, all the while she is living a lie, and lies w/ apparent ease.

She craves openess and honesty b/c she is not living this way w/ herself.

What we crave the most, we give the least. Funny how that works, huh?

BTW: I loved your responces to her, "what's wrong?" question and her, "are you ok?" question. VERY honest replies.

Right now, she thinks you love an image of her. The one she has carefully built by hiding things about herself from you and by out right lies.

I think you need to walk a careful line w/ her. No preaching, or teaching, but lots of honesty from you. If you know she's lying to you, call her on it. Not to make a big deal out of it, or point a finger at her, but just "Mrs. Eph. we both know that's not the truth." And then move on. No debating it w/ her. Just matter a fact.

I believe what you need to GENTLY do, (before going to Plan B) is peel back as many of the lies as you can. There by letting her know that you do see her (the real her, not the image she created), know what she's been up to, and still choose to love her.

I second everything MM and Mr.W said to you. Investigate and find something out about her A, and use it in your PBL.

IMO, you need to act quickly to protect the feelings you have left for her.

~ Marsh

PS: I'm talking about calling her on the lies she knows are lies. I'm not talking about lies she can't see yet, b/c of the fog.

Like when she said she hadn't told any male about her going to your house. Or when she lied about how long she had that phone.

I gathered some new intelligence over the course of the last few days, if it is trustworthy then it catches her in another lie.

More details later tonight.

OK, what I did was e-mail an OM in Asheville that WW had been chatting with back in October/November. I have the dates and times this was done, but not the content as this was before I got the keylogger. Luckily my firewall logged the chat times.

I sent the mails under WW's e-mail address that we shared. Here is the thread:

Me: Just checking if this e-mail address still works.

OM: Yes it does:) Hope to hear from you again:) Been trying to get ya for months:)

Me: Too much going on….you know how it is. Whacha been up to?

OM: Hey gotta a lot to tell you! We really need to chat but I have to know for sure its you? I got to chat with your hubby a time or two:P

OM Then sent a Yahoo Messenger invitation

Me: I can’t put Yahoo chat on the PC, it will make him suspicious. He did not say anything about chatting with you before – I am sure I would have heard ALL about that. So e-mail for now to keep it simple.

OM: Yeah well I did talk to him and I still have your jacket I have kept it safe. Hey I miss you just for the record:)

Me: Dang, when did I leave my jacket? I didn’t realize it was missing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OM: Hey just want to thank you for talking to me and to say I am sorry for seeming I disappeared. I was catching ****** at the time But now its all behind me and I am now divorced. So life is better I just interviewed for management so I start training tomorrow:)

OM: Hey I would love to talk to you so let me know how to talk to you on a cell and I will give you my number:) But I need to know its you so tell me one thing that only you would know about me:)

OM: Yep its you:) Well:P Tell me what color it is:) and you had a special name for it,

OM: So is it safe for you to chat with me on the phone? and if so give me your number and I will block mine:) But what color is that jacket again and what was that name for it and actually your pants you had on that day?

OM: Hey must have scared ya off??

OM: Hmmm maybe I said something wrong?

Me: Your affair with MY WIFE stops right now. You never chatted with me “a time or two.” You’ve done nothing but help facilitate the destruction of my family and I certainly do not appreciate it. Just because your marriage fell apart, don’t try to take mine out also. You can come clean with me or you can come clean with my lawyer – take your pick. Don’t bother blocking your number – I already know it. Oh, and I will be making sure I get any items back that you may have. WW's Husband

OM: Ahhh it does stop now:) Have a great one! As far as having anything to give back just my best wishes to you and your family and I do appoligize! Your issues existed way before me so I do wish you the best! As for your threat about a lawyer. I am currently relocated To Colorado so do what you have to do. But this will be the last time I do contact you or your Wife and as I said I really do wish you the best!

So this is why I say if the intelligence is trustworthy - it came from OM but evidently WW went up to Asheville to see him. Of course she denies having ever gone up there.

One time I did find some torn up directions going to Asheville when rummaging through her trash can when she was in the guest room back in November.

I think the info is legit.

Eph good intel but as I have been give a couple of 2x4 this week to make me come clean, I want to share some of the splinter's with you.

If your WW and her attorney find out that you have been stocking her online it wont look good for you.

You need to let your WW make her own choices, you should focus on what she does with the kids and how they are effected, if she wanted to out a screw the 6th fleet you have to let her make that choice.

You have to be careful we all live in a house of cards, we have great information, we have truth on our side but we must live in reality and the reality of judges who in a split second could see you as vindictive or stocking her.

So please becareful, one thing always communicate to people like the OM in the 3rd person never directly as you, I know you feel like Ha I got you it me old boy, but that last section could be used against you as a threat to OM

Not sure I follow you VR. I wasn't stalking WW - I merely used a shared e-mail address and to communicate to OM.

Yes I imitated her, but did not stalk her.

As of right now there is no next court date. Honestly I don't know what is next at all. I need to follow up with my A and the GAL to see if anything is needed from me.

I guess I don't expect another court date until after she has the opportunity to file for D after 1 year of separation. I don't know if the GAL's recommendation on custody will be be handled via the court.

I would expect we would have another mediation session since nothing was agreed on in the first session. In the meantime, I haven't even brought up any talks of agreements or settlements since I am trying to keep the mantra of I only talk marriage and reconciliation and lawyers talk D. However, I was discussions this with someone just today - that's an expensive way to go for me and her. Why wouldn't we try to reach an agreement on our own?


You hit the nail on the head here and it gets harder every day to keep that anger in (a good vent session helps get it out, though)