Hi To all the Wonderful Folks at MB!

It has been a while since I've been on here. I'm still married but my LSA's first draft should be coming soon. My WS and I settled.

I'm still sad a lot. Lonely. I find it a challenge at times to take care of myself...sounds weird I know. I was so used to acting and thinking of him and the kids and now it is upside down. It can be such a selfish sthing to be so caring about yourself. I'm also just lazy now.

My 40+ hour work weeks are so fast. I'm exhausted when I get home. I'm still, still, still just adjusting. I have the flu right now so it doesn't help my attitude. My WS is still an abusive, narcissistic individual.

His mother introduced WS and OW to my children and OW's children as friends...the kids know what is going on. They're going to OW's house for dinner now. My MIL had OW and her kids for T-day. My MIL's mother...who I loved, died. No one called me, though they knew, in her last few days so I could have a moment with her. 21 years I called her Grandma!! My WS told me there would be a service and I could be there if I wanted, it would make no difference.

I didn't go. My relationship was with the Grandmother not with this circus who is rubbing this affair in my face and making a mockery of their words.

One moment I'm sad..the next I'm thanking God that he has given me a second chance...a new life...only often I just feel all the stingers.

One more week and I graduate...to say I'm nervous about being on my own, finding a job, and being self sufficient is an understatement.

Thanks to all who have given me support here before. I know I'm falling in a pool of self-pity to some extent. I'm bouncing around from anger, depression, and still some disbelief. How could this happen. Will I wake up and move forward. I'm troubled by my own situation here. I suppose that is a good sign...it means I'm closer to being uncomfortable enough to change.

Anyway...I babble. I'm so tempted to meet someone on match.com. I can't. When it comes right down to it. I can't until I've signed my agreement. It isn't me today. Maybe in the near future after I sign my LSA. Just not today. It is true...it isn't about their actions....how I feel about myself...it is about my own actions.

LWP36

Hi LWP36, I am a new member but have found this site to be of great help in my healing process. Glad to hear you wanted to come back to MB. Sorry but what is a "LSA"?

Hi Sag06

LSA=legal separation agreement

Thanks very much. This site helped me alot and gave me so much hope for my marraige that didn't make it. Not because I didn't go the distance. Not because advice wasn't good. I've been looking up books on loss, greiving, codependence?, divorce...all the top sellers on Amazon.com. I thought a top seller should have something for me.

I can't believe it. I don't want to complain and whine and be told "!@!#$ happens, go on and have fun!" As I was told by a well meaning person here in town. I just want to say...Are you kidding me? I know she wants to help. It is difficult...the uglier, deeper feelings of loss...people get frustrated with you when you appear to not move on their time line or in their time frame. It just seems like such a looooong journey.

I had a long way to go...and still further yet.

Some people, certainly animals and plants seem to live a charmed life. I'm surrounded by simple charm...I'm going to go read several of my prayers.

Why so much pain and sadness. I need sunshine and light. I know I'm not alone...God is with me...I'll pray and hold on tight to my candle tonight. Better yet I'll just feel the living"ness" in me and know I'm safe with in him.




Thanks


ps: I don't know if these things really are true...but I was just sent a random email through some yahoo chat group...it talked about being thankful, grateful for what you have...this is a good place to start. It's midnight...I'm exhausted and have the flu...I'm going to bed is probably the smartest thing I've typed on this post! ha

LWP36.First sorry you are sick, yes going to bed is a good ideal. You can read this later. My ex is also a NPS (Narcissist personality disorder) person. Not sure how much information you had on the subject. I have studied it until I can read it in my sleep. I needed answers on how a person can do the things that these people can do. The lack of empathy, lack of a mature conscience and many other “Bad” traits that these people have. What a hole these people leave behind. NPS, not really having the ability to love, know not the loss that normal emotional people feel. It’s very sad but true. One Dr's writing I have been reading states "Never love anything that can't love you back" Well, hope you feel better, later-Sag06

L, It does get better. In time, you won't feel the OW and her family as such a personal affront. I'll never forget going to my grandmother's apartment after my parents split up, and seeing a family photo that had everyone in it, except my mother and us kids. Instead it had my dad's wife and her two kids. It was framed and in a pride of place.

My parents' divorce hadn't gone through yet, and I couldn't believe my grandmother, the strictest person I knew, would endorse my father's bad behavior in that way.

I'll never forget that, but now, it isn't so important. My dad is my dad. My "family" is much more like an amoeba-like. It shifts shape and structure, incorporating new people as needed.

I also learned that many, many people have a "my family, right or wrong" approach to life, and would rather cut ties with the soon-to-be-ex daughter/son in-law than deal with nuances of conflicting loyalties.

Is the LSA a prelude to divorce? Or are you doing this instead of divorce?

Usually a LSA is just a premature D. Well at least in Montana it is. In Montana, a LS (Legal Separation) can last 6 months or longer. 6 months is the minimum though. After that, either party can have it turned into a dissolution of marriage. Same thing, different name. I dont like the law here on divorce anyway. It only takes one party, so even if you dont want a D, your screwed if your partner is destined for divorce.

Dear Saga-06

Thank you for your note. It is very helpful. I believe I've stopped stewing for the most part about him and the pain. I wish I could do a better job of bolstering myself confidence and doing what I need to be stronger. He is constantly saying things to undermine my abilities. Though I KNOW I shouldn't let him effect me...it does.

My voice is still not fully recovered from the flu! I really got sick. Thanks for wishing me well.

Dear Greengables,

You're right. At first it really hurt but the sting is subsiding considerably now. It hardly hurts now.

Yes we're doing a LSA that after one year turns into a divorce...if I don't file for a divorce right away...which he has said I can...he won't contest it.

Their family is just as you say.

Dear kustomdlx454

Yes the LSA is a prelude to divorce. I'm sorry you never had a chance to contest it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't want to be with me and is a cheater anyway. You're probably better off.

Dear MBers,

I've not broken my marraige vows. I'm about to sign my LSA. I've recently met this fellow who couldn't be more wonderful. I feel like I've been shot by cupid's arrow. My knees get weak and I say "um" a lot. I really feel something special here.

My WS has been a WS for well over two years. I'm really feeling past him. I'm still a little concerned about timing. I would love to "be" with him but I'm holding off. Frankly it is difficult. It seems kind of funny to honor my vow to the law...when God has already permitted the ending of my marraige...if you know what I mean.

Hmmmm.

I, too, have an NPD X, and the problems never stop. His selfishness continues to hurt the kids, and he uses them as pawns, so expect that too.

Your post sounds like you are depressed, and that is OK. It also sounds like you are grieving, and this is a process you must go through in order to heal. I always forget the 5 steps of grief, but think some are Denial, Anger/blame, recovery, and then the last step.
Many people grieve within their marriage, I was in such denial, I didn't grieve since I was so busy holding the family together. I too began to grieve after X left, and with the help of friends, a divorce support group, and a counselor, I was able to heal. I think you will find your way too, and MB can be a great help, especially as nothing follows the time frame we'd like it to.

So, come here for support, and know that you are not alone. Many of us have been there. If you'd dont' have the book "mom's house/dad's house" I highly recommend it.

Life is better when you don't live with an NPD person. It truly is.

How long have you been separated? For the full too years since D-day?

I personally do think that once you've signed the LSA, or filed for divorce with no intention of reconciliation, you can date.

HOWEVER, I think it's wise to take lots of time off for healing.

Come post over on After Divorce Relationships. It's been a little dull recently. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />