"Almost 11 months sober now"

Lostbuthopeful - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! I hope you will keep up the excellent work.

Threadjack over.

Shouldn't he be living back here with us while attending AA (IF he attends AA - it hasn't come up yet)? I can't see how he'd feel I'm supporting him if he's still not back home. His "efforts" ought to be "rewarded", no?

((WHEN should I let him home? Nobody's answered that for me, in all your efforts to tell me what a great job I'm doing.))

You have to answer that question. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes wishing my wife was asking the same question. We are still in the same house with our DD4 and DD3 but she has been planning the divorce, filed handed me the papers and said you are served unless you want to move 1300 miles from where we live. I feel I have been fulfiling her other emotional needs and am fearful this is the only way she can run with the children as the state would not alow her to D and take them

I degress. I think you still love him. That is important. How about plan on him comming home this comming weekend. Meet with him say thursday night to talk about how it will be is he comes home. That gives you from now till Thursday to lovingly to think of how you would like it to be. It gives him the whole week to feel the impact.

Bring up the AA, and see what he says. I do think he should be home if he is attending AA, but Melody may know better.

Try to relax and take a break from this tonight. You are doing an excellent job. Just remember you alone are standing for your family, yourself, and your husband.

My husband was like yours - he seemed to have no problem and only drank beer for the first 10 years. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. My husband spent his last 5 years getting up in the morning, and drinking a full bottle of whiskey, and passing out within 2 hours. He abandoned my sons for his whiskey. He died drunk and alone on the Fourth of July. No one found his body for a week.

LostButHopeful, thanks for sticking around here for me. I know nobody can answer FOR me, 'cept for MelodyLane, who would likely come in here & kick me all over the place.

Yes, of course I still love him, love doesn't go away, I never doubted I still love him. I might not be done being angry...

So this weekend huh? I guess that's reasonable, and I guess it's fair he's still on "punishment". I hate the thought of him waking up on his birthday with a crook in his neck in the middle of a friend's living room. I hate it, Hate it, HATE it!

Sorry you're going thru what you are. I realize my problems at current don't even compare to some others, though that doesn't make me feel much better.

OH good God, how horrible! I'm so sorry, believer. Yet here I sit, and whine.

I think I'll go to bed soon. I got those boxes down and finally found & stuffed the stockings. He'll be shocked, I am! It's not a warm, fuzzy feeling though.

I'll bring up the AA, probably tomorrow, & post back. I considered sending it via text message but some things are better NOT said via text, you know? It almost seems cowardly if I'd do that.

Let me throw something out here, Julie, and you do with it what you will. I think if you drag this out any longer you risk making him angry and defensive and completely unwilling to take any steps at all.

Rather, I think he will use this as a ready made excuse to drink on his birthday and blame it all on you. [which may happen anyway]

On the other hand, if you brought him back now for his birthday, he would likely stay sober [unless he can play you for a birthday drink <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />] out of gratitude and the lingering spasms of remorse.

But that remorse is quickly evaporating as we speak and turning to anger about being kept from his home. The sooner you bring him home, the greater his remorse, the greater his gratitude for your forgiveness, and perhaps the more willing to go to an AA meeting.

Were I you, I would capitalize on this opportunity to get his agreement to go to AA. Don't tell him you think he is an alcoholic. Let him come to this decision all on his own. Find an OPEN AA meeting that you can both attend TOMORROW and go listen to the speaker. [they will let you in an open meeting, not a closed meeting, tho]

That is how I would play this, Julie.

(((I can't see how he'd feel I'm supporting him if he's still not back home. His "efforts" ought to be "rewarded", no? )))


Rewarded, Yes. You can suport him with a smile, a hug, lovingly ask him how's AA going without seeming to be prying or checking up on him. Spend time with him, go for walks a little not where he might find it "I love you". That is support. You could even go to an AA meeting with him if it is an open meeting. OR if it is closed some let alanon in too. Get the AA big book yourself and read it. (that would be a big plus for you). You just cann't say see look here and here. That has to come from him.

My wife has been tough on me and maybe that helped me too because I knew I had to do this with out her because I had to do it for me.

Do you think he is getting drunk over at his friends?

Mel, I'm shocked at your reply.

It's 11:22pm here. WHAT SHOULD I DO RIGHT NOW?

Call him to come home?

You're right, his friends will likely insist he go out w/them tomorrow, especially since I'd be doing nothing for/with him, and if he's drunk & they get him talking/thinking about this, BAD could surely ensue.

WHAT SHOULD I DO RIGHT NOW?

Dunno, should I call?

I severely doubt it.

If I were you, I would let him come home. But let me tell you first hand that this is not the easiest path for you. I know he has said he will stop drinking, but it is not that easy to do. It will be very difficult for him, and he will go back on that promise many times. He will manipulate and gaslight and really do a number on your head during these coming months. He will try to make you the jailer, and that is a very terrible position to be in. You will need help to get through this.

If you are willing to go to Alanon and really listen to what they say -- even when it sounds counter-intuitive -- then I would let him come home.

I would also put some restrictions on his homecoming. Among them would be his attending two AA meetings a week. If he wants to commit to the program, he will up that number of meetings substantially. But start with just getting him there. And having him read the AA big book.

Another condition would be no alcohol of any kind in the house. Your home is your space, too, and you have every right to make this boundary.

Also, I would make it clear to him that if you ever see him in the state he was in the other night that you will leave him wherever he is, or call the police if he shows up in that state at home.

For you though, the key is Alanon. I wish I had to words to describe what a blessing Alanon is for the spouse or child of an alcoholic. It is like finding someone who speaks your language after living in a foreign land for a decade. They are people who truly have been where you are and who understand what you need to do to make your life better.

And as I mentioned on another of your threads, go to the library or ask someone at the meeting if they have a copy of Paths to Recovery, it explains the Alanon concepts and terminology so that you will get the most out of the meetings.

One more things. Meetings vary. If you don't like the first Alanon or AA meeting you attend, go to a different one. Some are much better than others.

I wouldn't call tonight, its already past bedtime.

wow, going to an AA meeting on his birthday is very prophetic. What an awesome birthday present! This just occurred to me.

Trubluz, and his experience could just as well go the other way. Who knows? He could be one of those who embrace AA and get into recovery. When one is faced with options like a) go to jail/move out/lose job or b) go to AA, the latter can be pretty darn attractive. motivation, motivation, motivation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kinda made me laugh. We usually do dinner...

Feeling glad right now that I didn't bring him home last night, as currently I can't even find the strength/desire to call & wish him a happy birthday. Thanks for helping me thru the night. Right now, I don't know WHAT I'm thinking!

That is great Julie. One sign of getting stronger is helping other people here. I see you doing that, and it is wonderful.

Maintain your boundaries lovingly. You can do this.

Melody,

You are right. There are certainly people I met at AA meetings who eased into the program and remain sober without the sturm and drang that I experienced with my husband. And maybe Julie's husbands will be one of those.

My main point is to try to convey to Julie that she would greatly benefit from Alanon NO MATTER WHAT her husband does and doesn't do.

An alcoholic husband combined with an alcoholic father have impacted her life in ways she will still be unraveling years from now. Alanon is the best place in the world to learn about and work through those issues.

Tru

Really? Seriously? WHY didn't somebody tell me this YEARS ago?!?!? I've been to so many damn counselors and psychologiests and psychiatrists and in the meantime I get "better", I get WORSE, H second-guesses everything about himself, and my kids walk on eggshells. And now, I find out where I belong is at a FREE program, that holds meetings nearly every day?

I am in a foul mood right now - sorry if I didn't hide it well.

OH yea - I sabotage friendships too.