Here are some of the common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics.

Adult Children:
...guess at what normal is.
...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

Julie:

The predominant feeling of my life until I went to Alanon was anger, in all its many forms. Does that sound familiar to you?

I'm sorry that you went to lots of people who were unable to help you. When you go to Alanon, you will hear lots of others say that same thing.

One of the problems faced by those of us who live around alcoholics is that we come to believe we are the ones with the problem. We're too demanding, or unsupportive, or angry or controlling. Those are the things that alcoholics typically tell us. And we come to belive it's true because we don't realize that alcoholism is not just out-of-control drinking, that it involves a whole perverse mindset and set of behaviors that alcoholics use. And those behaviors and attitudes have a terrible impact on the people around them.

Unfortunately, some uninformed counselors never pick up on the underlying reasons for our behavior. Like yours.

If you have a public library around you -- also free -- there are a couple books that might help you. Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz and Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden. Woititz also has a book about marriage and alcoholism, but I can't put my hands on it right now.

Read a bit and go to the meetings. Sometimes the best things in life really are free.

Tru

In my alanon group (which is awesome) we all joke about how the therapists that referred us to the group walked away from all their fees because we all get so much more help from alanon than we ever did from the therapist.

It took me going to several groups before I found the one that I clicked with. I always leave the meetings feeling clearer and at peace.

Really, try to get to one right away. Not for your husband, for you.

TruBluz & believer, THANK you both for your last posts, how very true and fitting!

A friend of mine just spent about an hour w/me in the hall talking and she reminded me of how mean I am, how hard it is to really know me, how defensive I am.

I don't know that I can blame my father for ALL of this, after all I am 29 - I have to take ownership that it's still affecting me, but I've been feeling so guilty all these years for my inability to "fix" me. Just yesterday H said to me, "I've been dealing with 'loony' all these years & now here we are, and I HAVE to make this change" First of all, OUCH on the "loony" but again, so true!

OK, I'm SERIOUSLY going to go to these meetings. Tonight we may take H to dinner though. No we can't afford it. But as my dear friend just explained, he needs to know he's not a murderer or unforgivable. No matter what I've done in the past, he'd NEVER even fathom not doing whatever he could to give me a decent birthday.

By the way Julie, my group is a mixed group. About half of the group are Adult Children of Alcolholics (ACOA) and the rest are spouses or parents of alcholics.

How interesting. It's a little scary, to tell you the truth, to imagine NOT carrying all this around. Like, what if this group/these meetings really DO help, but I still come out flawed? UN-fixed? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way but it's part of my anxiety. There's a framed sign on my desk that says "You've just run out of excuses" but really, I've NEVER run out of excuses. Weird.

Don't worry, we are all flawed...LOL. Did you know that attempting perfection is another trait of ACOAs? There is a wonderful book called "Perfect Daughters" that really covers that topic well.

You will find it utterly amazing when you go a meeting how all these very different people, with very different backgrounds will nod their heads in COMPLETE understanding over the things you share. The stories will be different from each person but the pain, traits and trauma are universal. That is the power of these groups (same of the AA groups), that is why you are being encouraged to go by those of us that have been there. It's not a quick fix but give it the time it deserves. That YOU deserve. It's all about YOU.

They will welcome you, trust me. There is a special process they go through when there is a newcomer...you should get a lot of relief from your very first meeting.

YES YES YES. Don't give him too much praise though. You must wait and see after weeks how his ACTIONS change. If and only if he agrees to go and follow the program should he come home. Once there he will see that AA is not a dungeon.

I've NEVER run out of excuses

[color:"red"] HAHA

this might look swell embroidered on a pillow !!!!

You are PERFECT for a group

you will make friends and realize you don't need to pretend to be perfect ... and you can simply be real (perfectly yourself)

Pep [/color]

Julie:

I saw somewhere that someone said to go to at least two meetings a week. That may be fine for your husband, or it may not be. When I was in treatment, I was told to go to 90 meetings in 90 days after I got out of treatment. I think that's still a good rule of thumb. It's a tremendous time committment, but even at double the 1 hour meeting time, 180 hours going to AA meetings sure beats the thousands of hours of ****** for an alcoholic if they keep drinking.

I stopped going after about a year or so, which was probably a mistake. I am sure that's one reason I eventually succumbed to my sex addiction. Perhaps I did it to force myself back into a 12 step group (Sexaholics Anonymous) (JK). The good news is that I quit in March 1984 and the Lord has kept me clean and sober since. I tell you this only so you know there is always hope. Just tell your husband to do it the right way and stay in AA.

May the Lord bless each step you take. Sounds to me like you have a lot of really good advice coming from the folks responding to you.

Wow, lots of excellent posts on this thread. Jimm is right, he will need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days when/if he gets serious.

DF also made a very important point about giving PRAISE. Be careful when you praise an alcholic. Praise him for ACTIONS, not TALK. Make him EARN every last cent of it, and don't give out cheap, undeserved praise. He will use it as an opportunity to EXPLOIT you if he senses you are so easily deluded. This is why Plan A is so inappropriate for an alcoholic.

Alcoholics are very strange in their thinking, in that they believe just PLEDGING to do something is enough. They don't hold it against themselves if they don't actually ever follow through. Most dysfunctional people do judge themselves by their intentions rather than their actions. I have noticed and this tends to be very common in addicts.

Excellent posts, believer, sickofthis, Pepperband and Trubluz. What great reading! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by Swanner

Swanner, your post only confirms exactly what I suspected, that you are completely ignorant about the nature of addiction and most especially recovery. You can't even help yourself. You know how to stay stoned, but know nothing about recovery. Even a monkey can stay drugged out and drunk, it doesn't mean they are experts on addiction or qualifed to advise others on recovery. It takes alot of hard work to sober up and learn to live that way; it takes nothing to stay stoned. Her H already knows how to do that.

My suggestion to you would be to straighten up your own life before you presume to give others advice in an area where you are admittedly ill equipped. Learn to help yourself FIRST and then maybe you will have something to offer other than a bad example.

p.s. I also come from a long line of alcoholics in an Irish family, it is no excuse to stay drunk/stoned. Most of the ppl in my large drunken Irish family live clean sober lives now, btw.

I agree. Now back on topic. Julie how's it going today?

Swanner:

I will take a slightly different tack.

You do have a problem. That you need to address.

You say you have been here at MB for 5 years. If that is true, what have you learned?

You may be able to empathize with Julie, and the actions that her H does while under the influence. Your experience in this area may help Julie to understand what is going on in her H's head.

But you should still be seeking real help. You have listed three to four different addictions in your post. The first step in resolving them is in acknowledging that they exist. And you can probably state that you have never put them down in one place like that before. So it is a start.

I can not offer much other advice here, because ML is the expert around here on addictions.

So, I am glad you are here and posting. You can get some help here.

And fire the shrink who says that the cannabis is the least of your worries.... How enabling is that?

Hey DF, thanks for that.

I can't tell y'all how grateful I am to have this thread live & well, along with all the different experiences & advice within.

Today was rough. I woke up very relieved that I didn't "break down" & call H home last night like WE almost did, as I found myself unable to call him this morning to wish him a happy birthday. I felt obligated to, but didn't want to be on the phone with him...and so I didn't. Still feel guilty, but I did what felt right for me. Found it very hard to concentrate this morning, unlike yesterday when I kicked butt at work, so a friend finally had a long talk w/me & it really helped. She & I agreed that I need to let him home, to go thru the motions as I layed out, and I have to work on taking all these other chips off my shoulders.

When I returned to my desk I sent H a text message that said, "I forgive U". This is the first time in my life I've ever "spoken" those words, and it still sends chills up my spine to think of it. Forgiveness is NOT something that lives here, in me.

He was here when I got home as he'd picked up the kids from school as it's brutally cold here and the rest of the stuff he broke is now fixed. We did go out to dinner. It was awkward, but the kids were glad to be a foursome. I don't know if he'll stay here tonight or not...I suppose, probably. My doubt right now stems from my inability to forgive & move forward...and I certainly don't want to be a person who holds grudges.

Hmm...well that brings us to present!

Julie, why would he be leaving?? Have you had a talk with him?

Several! And we'll have the final one tonight, the this-is-what's-going-to-happen-and-I'm-not-your-momma-so-take-it-or-leave-it one.

To answer your question though...I don't know...I have a hard time getting over stuff I guess...and I'm expecting something to go wrong perhaps...maybe I'm not sold on him making a life change? Eh, we shall see.

...but if tonight is the night, got some last-minute 2x4s or words of wisdom or emotional prep for me??

Julie - Did he agree to go to AA and stop drinking?