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#1778369 12/05/06 01:28 PM
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Hello, just wanted some advice. I have been married for almost a year. I love my husband, but I feel like we have some major issues. For starters, he let a friend borrow 550 dollars without talking it over with me first. I got upset, and he told me it is none of my business. So, then the fight esculated because I once again know my feelings are not important. Lately he has been spending more time with his friends than he use to, and I am feeling neglected. He does not take me anywhere unless I ask. I feel like he should talk it over with me before he makes plans with his friends; especially since we have a new 4 month old baby. We also have recently been having some problems because of him looking at porn. I actually left the house for a few days because of it. I was nine monthes pregnant and got very upset about internet porn. When I confronted him, he told me I was overreacting and that he would do what he wants in his own home. I then again caught him masturbating to magazines in the garage. He doesn't care how I feel, and he think guys looking at porn is normal. Am I overreacting.

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Not at all trying to justify his actions but how was his SF going when the discovery of internet porn came along? When my W was pregnant there was a very big concern with me at that time because there wasn't any SF between us, and then for a long while after our S was born. It was long enough to create a real concern that still exists between us, so for me the problem hasn't gone away. I disagree with the thought that spending or loaning money without discussing with you is ok. It is not ok. I figure that he is angry about something else and that happens to be the outlet. I figure he needs to find a way to get his feelings out without being penalized in his mind, and counseling likely will be the only way to do it. In just a year of being together, there still is a lot of learning to be done, so don't be too hard on him but at the same time don't let him get away with things that are detrimental to your relationship. Talk about things and find ways to get at the root of the problem. Have you been reading Dr. Harley's books? Even if a couple doesn't have a problem the books are good to go through to prevent problems. Something else comes to mind, you mention the baby, 4 months old. I imagine you both are very proud of your baby. The down side of having a new baby in the house is some attention that has been devoted to each other is now being taken by the needs of the precious new child in the house. Now he wouldn't dare tell you that is a problem but for him it is, and maybe he won't even realize it. A counselor told my W and I that after our S is born (told while she was pregnant) that I would be a piece of furniture in the house, and I would feel like I was being abandoned and only used for income to support the household and nothing else. I can say for me he was right!!! Thing is in my own mind there was no real effort on the part of my W to alter that statement, and it gave her the green light to treat me that way as now I was supposed to be primed for it. It didn't make me feel any better. Knowing what was 'supposed to happen' didn't help me feel any more loved or paid attention to. I felt neglected and turned to my friends to have that need met, and I was told by my W the very thing you say is a problem. She wanted me to be in the house, nothing more and I found that boring. Keep working on it, be patient and work through it.


Phil
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I would say, having come from, having caused a similar situation, that your husband is not prioritizing his feelings properly.

To many, pornography is the same as having an emotional affair. The emotional attachment that one should be giving his/her spouse is directed toward a video, a magazine, or the Internet. Rather than focusing on his needs, he should spend a little more time focusing on yours. And then you reciprocate.

Porn seems to be a tricky thing. I have been in relationships prior to marriage where it was no big deal, and have read many accounts where people use it to supplement their lives. However, the line gets crossed when it becomes the object of desire instead of the spouse.

Sounds like you both need a MC and he may need IC.

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Beating himself off to a girlie mag in the garage? Now doesn't that sound like something a rebellious teenager would do? In fact all his other behaviors have the same feeling to me. You are not "mothering" him, are you? No man wants to romance his mother. No man wants his mother to tell him what to do. No man wants to sleep with his mother, either.

Try changing your tone a little. Pretend you are an actress in a hot romance movie. --think sexy, think flirty, think femme fetale--anything but "mother." And, oh ya--don't tell him to pick up his socks--stuff like that!

It will take a little while, but if you keep it up, he will come around.


Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20

Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8

Happily married 30+ years
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I have recently had this problem too, I wish I could give you some really witty advice, but I don't have the answers.

All I wanted to say is that my husband and I only see each other for 1-2 hours a day. Other than that we are at work or he is out with his friends, while I am home with our two kids,and pregnant with our third.


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