Hard to adequately phrase this but I've become confused.....

WW and I have been seperated 3 months.....D was filed by her a few days after she left. No time to think, slow down or heal.....She was afraid I would go after DD 100% (4 y.o.) so she filed quick.....beat me to it. We have support plan in effect where custody is split and our child is well loved and taken care of.

I thought it would be cut and dry...file the papers, get the deal done and move on.

Problem is, our DD keeps asking her mom when they are going to move back and tells her that "Daddy is not mad at you anymore, lets go home"..... she talks to me in phrases like "when mommy and I come back.....". She just blurts it out.

This has caused me to back peddle and start re-thinking things. Maybe I would like to push for my marriage again. Memories are flooding back, WW is being very nice to the point that we speak almost everyday. I know she dates and has a few male friends, but she is now coming to me too. We've tried to talk personally about the D and/or us but we agree the stress of sep. and the holidays precludes that right now. We agreed to wait till after new years to get deep into issues.

Is this normal? Is it possible for a 4 y.o. to figure it out and manipulate us? It seems like a sit-com or movie.

Your opinions are appreciated.

Your 4 year old is not manipulating you. She is speaking out of pain and the only reality she has known - mommy and daddy together. She's obviously aware of emotions like anger, but is not aware of what this means long-term. You need to make decisions about your relationship independent of your DD.

I would concentrate on reflecting her feelings back to her without judgement in order to help her process them. Keep the focus on her feelings, not on yours or yours wife's or on any action taking (or not taking) place. "It's hard not to have mommy and daddy living together anymore." "I know this is hard for you." "I wonder if you feel sad or angry sometimes that mommy and daddy aren't living together anymore."

It is going to take her years before she's really capable of understanding what divorce means.

Good grief.Your DD is too young to even know what is going on really so she cannot manipulate you.All she knows is that Daddy and Mommy aren't together like she is used to and she is trying to express her fears and sadness.

Your separation will affect your DD for the rest of her life and she is so young now,she is already feeling the strain.What she wants and what most,if not all children want,is their parents together,loving one another and a stable, loving family.The foundation upon which your DD is supposed to grow and learn from is already crumbling.How do you think she can deal with that as a 4 year old?




I don't agree with this.You DO need to factor in and consider how your decisions will affect your child(ren).You brought her into this world and now you and your WW are going to wreck it.Be sure,100% sure if you do go through with the D that it's what you want and there is no hope.Too many couples,I think,only consider their own feelings and don't pay any attention to the destruction in their wake.

Thnks for the clarification.........That's why I asked.

I didn't want the D, still don't, but there is not much I can do about since she's already filed and moved out to an apartment.

Found out on Fri night that she caught a plane with her new B/F and went to New Orleans for the weekend. Of course it's my weekend with DD. I only found out because her son (my step) was trying to get a hold of her from school and no one could find her. He called me. i left her a few messages and she finally called from the airport and 'fessed up. Just wish she would've been honest and told me in advance. I guess that the D will go on mo matter what our 4 y.o. says.

Children cant think in "adult" terms. They dont know what a D is, but they know what happens. IMHO, you need to overturn every stone possible for your child's sake. I am in the same boat as you, and even my 1 yr old daughter knows of the strain. Whenever I do get to see the children, she is very attached to me. She goes looking for me because she feels that she is going to be abandoned not only by dad, but by mom too. My son misses me too, but its hard to figure out with a 3 yr old. It breaks my heart to see what those two are going through.

If you still want to reconcile, there are some things that need to happen. First, she needs to have NC with the OM.
Second, you need to set some agreeable (POJA) ground rules to prevent an A from happening or continuing.

I wish my WW would stop looking at our relationship in a selfish and self-centered way. Maybe down the road she will realize how she destroyed our kid's lives.

Some dont realize things till after its over....

Just remember this...if you do go for the D, do everything in your power to make that little girl feel loved.

Divorce impacts children more than some think. I was 5 when my parents divorced. I held on to the anger and guilt for years, and all it did was destroy me and my marriage which is something I may never get back.

Comfort her, love her, and care for her. She needs you as her dad the most right now. If you do anything, do that for her.

Kustom

Great advise! It's things (comments) like this that keeps me coming back to MB. Of course there are other issues that make me very upset of just plain sick! Like when the child was trying to find his mother, but she got on a plane w/bf and didn't tell her child~ man, that just pisses my off. How can any parent do that???? Oh, right just like my ex did! Some people are so ****** unbelievable.

How old his your stepson? If you don't mind me asking.

I am somewhat in the same boat as the original poster.

As a father, it is the most I can do right now to just love my children. Children are a gift from God. They should be treated as such.

There is hope. One day she will reach the age where she can choose what parent she will live with. Dont worry about what a WS does. She will figure it out, and if you just love her for who she is, she may choose to live with you.

Amen to that.

I love my Daughter and take care of her very well. She is loved and comforted constantly.

This whole thing has changed now for me. I'm not worried about reconciling anymore, I'm afraid W took care of that this weekend. It just bothers me so much that she felt the need to sneak and tell mis-truths. We've been trying to get along and be friendly and honest but she is reverting back to her old ways. I'm feeling very hurt right now considering she told me the other day that we would look at "Us" again after the holidays.

You should decide whether or not you want to talk to her about that. If you do decide, exercise caution.

No more talk, it must be done. She tells me "I don't love you and don't want to be married to you anymore". Heard that quite a few times the past few months. Now she even tells me "she can't stand talking to me so don't bother talking to me anymore."

OK, I get it. Spent the morning with my Atty. getting prepared. Since this is my 2nd D, I'm wise to what can happen. I'm not going to get burned again due to a woman who wants to re-live her party days.

Boy, divorcing during the holidays is a real bummer! Kills the spirit of the season. I look at all the families, the gatherings, commercials on TV etc. and it just plain old sucks.........

Just had to vent