Really, how much of a father can my boy's dad be living two states away. When I left him and we lived in the same state, he didn't even bother seeing him but every 3-4 months, and when I brought him to him, he called it babysitting my child. Suddenly in the past 6 months - two years since I left him - he moved to another state about 1 -1/2 years ago - he's been showing up like clockwork ever other weekend, or at least every third. While I was trying to be "happy" for my little boy who's now 2-1/2 years old and enjoys the 1/2 days with his father when he shows up - they go to the zoo, a restaurant or shop - I just wonder, how long can he keep this up? An attorney I fired said that most men who leave the state can't be real parents and even if we fight this out in court and end up with joint custody - he's not going to be able to keep up seeing his boy ever 2-3 weeks in the long run. I can see that he's starting to fizzle, it's expensive and it's true, how could anyone do this for years. Since my boy is so young, he can't fly to be with him. I just wonder if his incentive was the divorce and what his motives are.

He said recently he was job hunting here. Showed up twice to see his son and go to interviews for an executive job. I'll admit there was some strange slight hope/mini dream that this man would come back, we'd do marriage counseling and try to work it out. After all I've been through with him, friends and family don't even understand why I haven't finished the divorce. He was quite abusive and was drinking a lot especially in our final year, let alone the just a friend and porn before that. This has gone on too long, I can't continue in limbo and I know I need to finish this divorce. That he called to say he didn't get the job is the final straw, there are "lesser" jobs somewhere in this state, he's had two years to find one if he was really sincere about being a father at least to his boy. Instead I cracked into his email and he's applying for jobs even further away in other states. Guess he figures if he has to fly/drive to see his kid now it wont' matter if he's further away. And he knows that I should get sole custody of the boy with as little of time as he's spent with him. He treatens me when I say we need to finish the divorce, it's worked in the past as I've been tired - but truth is the more time that's passed the more of a record I have that he left the state and hasn't had the time with his boy right?

I just wonder about my little boy. I feel so sorry for him. I moved him to a new little rental house so he'd have a yard and a neighborhood. He seems so happy with the change, so am I. Without a divorce settlement I can't buy a house, our money is tied up actually in an investment and my ex cant' buy etiher until this is settled. I bought my boy a Christmas tree, there's one stocking. I grew up in a home with four brothers, and it was such a different life then my boy will know growing up with a single mom. I just feel so bad for him. At the very least I hope he'll have some contact with his father, but it seems more like a friend said - they divorce the wife, they divorce the child... that I indicated I wouldn't just get back together with him if he did move here, and that we'd do counseling and major work probably played a part in this. It's obvious I'm sure to him that I don't have much hope for the marriage - I don't know how he thought I'd just move into another big house on the hill if he moved back, going back to the past. That I wont' go back to.

What is the truth? If he's out of state, he can't keep this up can he? Coming to see his boy? Is he doing it knowing this divorce is likely going to continue and he's trying to make himself look as good as possible to retain some rights to his child? But once the divorce is through if he doesn't continue to come I can go to a judge and say he didn't make his visits and lessen his time with him anyways? Is that the case? And he knows it... so since I am going to divorce him he'll divorce his child? Or he'll show up for Holidays and a few occassions to play daddy? Oh, life will go on as they say, I just wish things were different for my boy, he's the cutest, funniest, sweetest boy and it's not right, it's just so sad for him. One day he'll understand how sad it really is. They say 70 percent of kids are raised in single homes, is it because of the outright selfishness of my ex that children pay such a price?

Wish I knew the answer to that one! My ex is only one state away and if (our van has problems) if her could, which she can't because the boys want nothing to do with worthless mother! I mean what was she thinking, when would she be able to see them or I my youngest that is with her. God, I will never understand a NPD!

Why are you worried about him, Horsey? Seriously, your job is to be the best Mom you can be, and leave the 'daddy issues' to him. Stop concerning yourself with his responsibilities.

You can't control it so don't worry about it.

I've learned a lot of 'letting go' and it works.

Jan

Horsey
He will be the father he chooses to be,
you have no control here.
Let it go. Stop being angry about his (lack of) parenting and be the best parent you can be (for both of you).

Let it go. If he wants to be a father, he will. If he dosent, he wont.

Best advice I can give you is to just wait and see. Dont stand in the middle of the highway watching every car that zooms by...get outta the road, and just watch the cars go by.

It works for me, especially with me on the verge of a divorce I dont want.

Horsey, this is a lesson I need to learn too.
Let go of your expectations of a father for your child.
He will never be the father you hoped he'd be, or the one he may have said he'd be. He will be the father he choses to be. (And BTW if he's like mine, he will make himself sound like the most wonderful father in the world).

No he'll never be the father I'd hoped he'd be and NOT at all the one he said he'd be. All he did for years was go on and on wanting a child, then he sat in the basement as he was a baby drinking and watching football calling the boy my child, it's was my "job." Of course I at the very least thought he really did want a child. Yes, he does make himself sound like the most wonderful father in the world... I cracked his email - I'll admit - and there were a few emails bragging about all of the trips to my state that he made to see his child. A friend of his emailed back how impressed he was and how it would pay off, the time with his child. Sick thing is he DID NOT drive back every other weekend to see his child, in fact the time he was near his boy after three months of having NOT seen him he was emailing someone for opening day tickets to a ballgame, then called me and said he was away on business. Here he was in the same state, just a few hours away partying with a buddy at a ballgame. It's just beyond me, and I can't admit to this day as it's true I still check his email now and then - invasion of privacy or not. But let's face it, everyone is right, I need to stop worrying about what sort of father he's going to be, and I need to get over this ongoing disappoint in him - as I once told him when he "sort of" mumbled an apology for not having met my expectations, it's come to the point where I don't expect anything out of him, everything is about him and what's "convenient" for him.. that's his track record and likely will remain so in the future. When it's easy for him, when he's lonely, when there's not a ballgame, when his drunken buddy isn't around, whatever, he'll see his boy. When he's treatened by a divorce, he'll try to build a track record, if he thinks it's easing and I'm not continuing the divorce then he'll stop seeing his boy as much. I need to get on with this divorce, trying to figure out this insane man is making me miserable. He's made his rediculous choices in life - and I don't even care anymore. Why I'm dragging this on and on no one knows. A shrink however was right, it'd take a "normal" person a certain amout of time to get through this process, and for some reason it'd take me so much longer. Partly it's my religious upbringing and that the reality of a divorce is harsh. Let's not wait for this man to "wake up" any longer. I don't know why I married him, I almost backed out of the wedding - although like any single mom - I'd have to say the best thing to come out of it is my boy. He's the cutest, most amazing, sweetest little two year old on the universe. How can such good come of such a bad scenerio. Thank goodness people on this site encouraged me to leave this abusive husband before my boy had memories. I left when he was eight months old and he doesn't remember... part of why he's such an amazing little human being. I just feel so bad that I can't protect his little innocent heart from his father. He cried the other night saying he missed his daddy and wanted to go to his house. He even cried on the phone with his dad, who again is going to start seeing his boy less - now it'll be a month and likely two that will go by after he did his every two to three week trips for quite a time. How can the man not feel guilt towards his own son, he doesn't have to feel it towards me... but a little boy? He's got to be sick.

Let it go. As much as you think you are letting go of your expectations - you still have them. (I know this from experience).
And it is good for your son to love his father, and to cry that he misses him. He can feel and heal now, rather than as an adult.
Do the best you can for your child. Love him enough for both of you. He will get the love your STBX is willing to give, and you will fill up the void.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

My X wouldn't take my DD to the father daughter dance, and he's only 30 minutes away.