Hi, new to the forum, and I am struggling with a specific situation to which I'd like to get some different viewpoints. My husband and I were married about three months ago. We dated for three years prior to that, and have never had what you could call a stable, secure relationship. There was one infidelity and subsequent lies in the very beginning on his part, and hysterics, accusations, mistrust and passive aggressive behavior on my part. And a host of other control issues that I won't go into now.

Anyway, he now has use or lose vacation that must be taken before the end of the year, and has decided to go down to Central America for a week (I used up all my time on the honeymoon, so I can't go with him). After exhausting all his male buddies as potential travel partners (he doesn't like to travel alone), one of our mutual female aquaintences said that she had some comp days and would like to join him. He and I discussed it, and I told him I wasn't sure that I was crazy about the idea, given that he had verbalized that he thought she was cute in the past, and that she is in the middle of a divorce brought on by her husband leaving her for another woman (potential rebound). My husband assured me that he has no chemistry with her, and said that I have aboslutely nothing to worry about. So I mistakenly said it was OK, attempting not to seem insecure or untrusting. Of course, now I regret that I wasn't honest with myself or with them about how I really feel.

But my question is this: If there really was going to be no physical infidelity between the two of them (and I suspect that there would not be), what legitimate reasons do I have for not wanting them to vacation together? If I truly trust him, how can I refute his argument that it's no different than him traveling w/ a male buddy?
Any thoughts?

Which is more important to your husband, losing his vacation time or losing the good feelings you have toward him?

You know the answer. You are worth less to him than that one week in Central America.

Of course you are insecure. But so what? What spouse would be stupid enough to tell their counterpart to go ahead and vacation with an opposite sex acquaintance while they stay at home?

Here's my advice: Damn the torpedoes - the torpedoes of you have already used up your comp time from work. You tell them you have a family emergency and that you are taking time off - without pay - and you will do all that you can before leaving to be covered as far as your assignments.

Or - is your job more important than your marriage?

I did what you did. Against my better judgment and my feelings I encouraged my STBXH's friendship with a female colleague. I didn't want to appear "insecure" or jealous.

Even if they don't get physical, she and he get a chance to deposit units into each other's love banks, while withdrawing them from your marriage. If you love him, if you want to stay married, do not allow this to happen.

He can stay home and use up his vacation time doing things around the city. The whole thing stinks.

You know, as bad as it may sound, my job may just be more important than my marriage. I have been here for 9 years, and the support I get from my bosses and coworkers is tremendous. When one of my bosses learned about my husband's vacation plans, he gave me a check for $500 to go to the Bahama's by myself for the MLK weekend. Besides, taking the time off - damn the torpedos as you so eloquently put it :-) - would be a desperate attempt to make sure that he doesn't get to spend time alone with this woman. I'm upset and feel that this is a huge mistake on his part, but I don't feel that desperate.

I made a huge mistake last night be giving him an ultimatum...cancel the trip or we're through...and then backing off when he argued his way around it and agreed to get separate rooms (they were originally going to share a room, two beds).

Thanks Bellevue, I agree with your assesment to a large degree, but I'm afraid that this trip is going to happen regardless (they're leaving in two days).

I have told him that this will be the last time something like this occurs, but I know he'll attempt something similar in the future...his MO has always been to test the boundaries, and I've always backed down (well, almost always, at least it feels that way to me).

Thanks for your input!

I just took a few minutes to read some of the other threads on the various branches, and realize that my issues are relatively insignificant compared to some of the real pain and anguish that I see.

I'm glad this board exists, and I wish all of you who are experiencing intense conflict every happiness that you might be able to extract from yourselves, this board and the world in general.

Namaste.

MK,

Your problems are significant. They will be even more so if you don't enforce reasonable boundaries.

I too was naive in thinking that stuff my H was doing was okay and that I wanted to avoid being a nag. He took full advantage of that and developed "feelings" for a MOW. I was a doormat and suffered for it. Please don't make the same mistake. You are worth standing up for.

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I have to agree with the other posters here. Do not let him travel with this OW.

You may not have a M by the time they return. They will be confinding in each other on the trip down, on their travels in the foreign country, building an emotional bond with each other. At the very least we are likely to be looking at an EA.

An EA is usually just waiting for the right circumstances to turn into a PA. And just to recap: Traleling together to a foreign / exotic location, Very close access... they might well be sharing a room and not tell you. The same holds true for a bed. What are the chances of them being caught? You are in the States... thousands of miles away. How would you ever find out unless one of them told? A "special secret" just between them.

If you truly want to save your M and yourself some terrible heartache... PLEASE put you foot down and tell him NO to his companion.

He assumed that I'll be getting up at 6am to drive the two of them to the airport tomorrow morning (she's staying on our couch tonight). He got mad and accused me of trying to punish him when I said that I won't be getting up at 6am on one of my two days off to drive them to the airport. He said that he's "taking note" of this and will be sure to remember it next time I need something from him.

The feelings of hurt and anger are quickly giving way to amusement and incredulity...this guy has balls the like of which I have never witnessed.

Honestly, it sounds a little too convenient that "none of his other buddies could go", but she just happened to be available and was a more-than-willing participant. Sounds like something I would have concocted when I was having an AFFAIR. It sounds to me like they are already having the affair -- this trip was just created so they can be alone together, far, far away.

And you aren't doing anything to stop it. And you let her sleep on your couch. And you are supposed to drive them to the airport, too?

Personally, I would tell him that if he gets on that plane, he doesn't have a place to come back to (or if it's his house, I'd move out while he's gone).

Of course, you can take this with a grain of salt if you like, but as a FWW, I know the drill. People in affairs can come up with some REALLY creative stories and strategies to make it seem okay.

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mkkdash:

Text message the day after the flight out:

How dare you make this difficult for me! I can't believe that you! You! of all people couldn't drive us to the Airport.

And making her sleep on the couch! What kind of Host are you? What's wrong with you?

I'm just going down to the sunny climes so I do not lose some travel miles and you are making this SO DIFFICULT!

And make sure the house is clean and the bed is made when I get back.

A couple of nice cold beers and your stuff in the guest room would be nice too.

The other woman likes pink. Can you have the bedroom repainted by the time I get back too. I have a Home Depot card that is expiring, and there is just enough for two gallons of paint, a roller and some brushes.

And if you say anything about it, its your Fault! Don't you understand? It's your fault! I was going to lose those miles!

Oh Lousygolfer...thank you! That provided some much needed comic relief right about now. It's almost the 1/2 way point through their vacation, and I noticed that although he's sent me a few "how's it going" text messages telling me how nice the beach is, he hasn't bothered to email me yet. When I go on vacation with him, he usually feels the need to find internet within 48 hours and email various friends. I just sent him a text message telling him that it would have been nice if he had taken the time out to email me and tell me he missed me, and that I'm pretty hurt that he hasn't. He texted back that there's no internet in Roatan, and that he was going to email me tonight. There is TONS of internet availability in Roatan...I looked it up online. I guess I'm in pathetic, whiny ****** mode now...which is much less desireable state of being than the righteous anger and stoic indifference that I've been vascillating between <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We're going to start counselling when he returns...that much he agreed to...but I'm really starting to question whether or not I really want to attempt to make it work with this [censored]. Ahem...sorry for the expletive, but it's just so appropriate right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Why did you let him go? Did you put up a fight? Did you say ANYTHING? How did you treat this other woman who spent the night in your house on your couch?

Why should he have to pick you over her? You just proved to him that he can do whatever he wants (including have an affair right under your nose) and you won't do anything to stop it.

Good luck when he gets home....if he comes home.

Edited to add: I would also call the hotel and ask for their two different room numbers...unless, of course, you don't want to know.

Yes, I did say something. After I had already told him it was OK, and he and she had booked their airfare, hotels, etc. I told him I was not really OK. Which was not OK with him. We had some really nasty fights (nothing new to us), and at one point he agreed to cancel the trip if I agreed to reimburse him for all costs, and spend every second of my spare time away from work with him. That meant no going to take care of my cats who are living with my parents because he is allergic to them, no going to the gym, no nothing. I realized that this offer to cancel was insincere, and I wasn't going to be held hostage to those types of strings, so I told him just to go.

He copied me in on the email to the hotel where he requested and got confirmation of the switch to separate rooms. But really...if two people are going to hook up, separate rooms is not going to stop them.

He has agreed to counseling when he returns, and we have an appointment set for 12/29. We have done counseling before and been unsuccessful, I guess we'll give it one more go.

I need to learn to set boundaries with him. I have set a terrible precident in this relationship by continually giving in to him because he will argue a point until I'm ready to tear my hair out of my head (and have probably actually done so on occassion!) and I just get worn down. He will use circular logic to try and convince me that I'm being irrational. No matter how strong my convictions may be at the beginnings of one of our go-rounds, I always end up losing my cool, getting over-emotional and ultimately just giving up and giving in. My hope is that the counselor will help me learn the "When you...It makes me feel...I want..." and learn to stick to it.

My husband is one of those people who cannot be alone. He has an enormous social circle, and is still close friends with people he knew 15 years ago, a good number of them women...some he's slept with, some he hasn't. One of his ex-girlfriends threw our engagement party for us.

The fact is that I knew all this going into it...I knew that 85% of his friends are female, I knew that he was selfish, I knew that he is manipulative and has to have his way in most things.

The only thing I can do now, short of leaving him (which has not gone unconsidered at all, beleive me) is to adjust my own behavior and take responsibility for my actions by setting boundaries and sticking to them. He will either learn to adapt to this new me, or he will not. If he doesn't then I will have to set the perameters in my own mind as to when I cut my losses.

I'm very lucky to have a great support network of friends and family, who will be there for me whatever my decision.