Hi everyone.

I've been stewing on my meeting with my IC this afternoon. I told my counselor/psychologist about my converstation with my wife the other day. This is where my wife says that she is embarrassed by me, she resents me and doesn't respect me. He says that this isn't the first time she has said this and that it wasn't done in a fit of rage so "what else do I need?" He feels it is black and white. He agrees that I should wait until after the holidays, but that I should move on. He feels that at this point a separation really doesn't serve a purpose. I tried to talk to him about MB principles and how I read Dr Harley's book and believe that maybe I can save my marriage if I follow the outline, but he didn't buy it. He doesn't agree with no contact or that an affair is like an addiction.

To be honest, I haven't changed my mind that I should move out after christmas, but I just hate to give up and also to bring my daughter up in a divorced household.

This sucks so bad. I don't know how all of you have gotten through this????

I'm so tired and to be honest, scared. . .

And we all wonder why there is a skyrocketing divorce rate.

I'm sorry but it's obvious your IC doesn't know Jack about MarriageBuilding.

Maybe remind IC that feelings are transitory and she did not always feel this way. She fell in love with you before, and you believe she still can fall back in love with you, and that's why you're willing to make positive changes in yourself.

Where did the idjit get his degree from? A deodorant stick? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Call Jennifer @ MB. She will help you get a plan. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs.

Know how to handle the WS vs your W.

Why the effort? So that you can give your best and not have regrets. Whether your W comes back or not will not depend on you but on her.

Btw, stop wasting your $$ on that 'professional' and let others know he/she is bad business.

L.

every counselor has thier own beliefs


you need to find one that supports yours.

From Penalty Kill

Good counselors are out there; however, I have found that they can be very rare. All too often they subscribe to the belief that when things get tough it's best to cut and run. If you think about it, that's not a very good life plan.

I say do everything you can to save your marriage, if saving your marriage is your goal. If it fails, as goals sometimes do, at least you will know that you gave it your best shot.

JJ, when I asked my counselor whether there was any chance whatsoever of reclaiming our marriage of 25 years, he told me that in his opinion and from his experience, no marriage is ever gone to the point that it cannot be recovered. The main thing is that both parties need to work at it. He was helping me cope with the trauna of a divorce that appeared to be imminent. During the IC he got my wife to come in for a few sessions by herself and then we met together and I believe THAT was the turning point for us. I do not know where you stand as far as faith is concerned, but this was a Christian counselor who was very much pro marriage.
I heard that stuff about resenting me, me not even coming close to meeting her expectations and being at different education levels and more of that so many times that I got to the point of just walking away when she started giving it to me.
Six years after "End of the World Day" (when she told me she would file), we are doing great.
I wish you good luck.

I am sorry you had to experience this, but I am not surprised. Qualified counselors are few and far between. Like yours, most are QUACKS who have absolutely no training or understanding of INFIDELITY. [the comment about it not being like an addiction is a dead give away] Most view their positions as nothing more that faciliatators of amicable DIVORCES, aka DIVORCE counselors. They cause more harm than good, which is why THEY NEVER SAVE MARRIAGES.

So, find a QUALIFIED counselor, jj. They are out there. Or try to set up an appt with Steve Harley, Dr. Harley's son. He is trained in infidelity and will give you a plan to SAVE your marriage, instead of throwing it away. If it can be saved, he will help you do it.

Remember that Dr. Harley is a world reknowned PSYCHOLOGIST who specializes in infidelity and saving marriages. He has 15+ top selling books. He is immensely more qualified than this quack you saw. He is extremely successful whereas most other MC's are dismal FAILURES.

I would not be married today if I hadn't accidentally happened onto a GREAT MC at our church who believed in and taught Marriage Builders principles. We were headed right for divorce court. He convinced us we COULD have a happy, productive marriage and it turned out to be true.

Read this article about Dr. Harley [you can also listen to his radio show and call him and talk to him on air if you just click on the Radio-Live link at the bottom or top of this page:


How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages
When I was 19, a married acquaintance in college told me his marriage was in trouble and asked for my advice. The advice I gave did not seem to help - his marriage ended in divorce. Why couldn't I help? What was it about my friend's marriage that made divorce seem so inevitable?

It was 1960, and I was about to witness something that few expected - the beginning what may turn out to be the end of the traditional nuclear family in America. The evidence for such a disaster accumulated over the next 20 years. The divorce rate would climb from about 15% to over 50%, and the percentage of single adults would go from 6.5% to 20%. While the rate of divorce finally stabilized at about 50% in 1980, the percentage of single adults would continue to climb right up to the present (currently about 30% and climbing), because fewer and fewer would be willing to commit themselves to one partner for life.

At the time, I had no way of knowing that my friend's marital failure was part of a trend that was about to overwhelm nuclear families. I thought that his failure was, at least in part, due to my inexperience. I blamed myself. I should not have tried to give advice. I should have left it to an "expert."

con'd at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3100_how.html

jj,

this post is what I lived. My wife had an EA for about a year and when we went to MC, it didn't help. I went to IC and she seemed to want to help me get thru D not work on my M.

My wife told me "M2L, I fell in love with another man and now we (wife and I) are done, but you don't get it. Your just hanging on by the way your bettering yourself. Your so desperate M2L, just move on." That was within the last 2 months for me.

Today my wife hates the OM, doesn't want to split up, sees the EA as fantasy not real and HATES the things she said while in the FOG.

I called Steve H twice and got a game plan and stuck with it.

I thought I was way done with my 10 year M and that I would see my 2 kids part time. .

You can make it too,
M2L

jj, WHY does your W disrespect you?

I am kind of split on this whole IC thing. I think they are great, if you use them in the right fashion.

When I started going to an IC, I went in with the plan to use it to work on myself an my issues. While my wife and marriage was discussed, getting a better understanding of myself was the main goal.

My wife on the other hand (who had the LTA) used her IC almost as a marriage counselor, focusing on her marriage and her extra relationship exclusively. Kind of not fair when your spouse isn't there to tell their side of the story. And what did her IC couselor tell her? Why of course, if your marriage is not good and was never good, and the OM is really the dream you describe him to be, then by all means you should get a D and go be with the other man.

IC's are really just highly paid cheerleaders. Used correctly they can be of great help (such as the one I go to) But when used as something they are not, they can destroy things quickly. I don't take marriage advice from my IC, and to be honest, she doesn't really offer it up. She knows that is not her specialty.

I guess what I really have been trying to say is use your IC to work on yourself. If you need marriage counselling, go to a reputable MC, even if it is just by yourself.

Sorry for the rant everyone.