Help! Need urgent advise! I took the advice from earlier and I kind of tried what LilSis did. I started texting my WH 2hrs ago and we've been flirting everysince. He wants to come over but he has said not to get hope and that it wont change anything if we have sex....Do I continure flirting and let him come over? we are still married. and right now he is really turned on- which could deposit love deposits in his love bank, right? Please respond soon as he gets off work in 30 min! Thanks wise ones!

NOOOOOO.... do not have sex with him! He could have an STD that could cause cancer in you. Do not have sex until he is tested for STD's. Doesn't mean you can't flirt.... just explain to him before it reaches that point that you need to be careful due to the prevalance of some STD's.


and this quote from Believer on a thread I had regarding sex with the WP... think carefully about this....

Yeap, I agree with the previous poster. Make him realize what he is missing. You cannot at this stage believe that it was only EA and most assume the worst, no matter what he says....

I thought Neak's FWH was a cake-eater of a very high order of magnitude, but this dude's got him beat all hollow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Not only are there not going to be any crumbs left, but I strongly suspect he's planning to eat the platter, the fork, and the serving spoon, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Humans never cease to amaze. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. The good folk on this site are correct--you have a good chance to save your marriage if you follow the right steps and break up the affair. The question you'll have to answer is, "Do I really want to keep him?" My daughter fought to salvage her marriage, motivated not only by love for her husband, but by three small children who loved their daddy (better than he deserved at the time, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />). Even if, in the end, you decide what you'd get by winning him back isn't worth what it will cost you to accomplish it, you still might want the satisfaction of sticking a hefty spoke of reality into their adulterous wheel. I know I would. But that's me. It may not be you.

Hello...I would have not posted except I wanted to puncuate what Mkeverydaycnt said. I have a friend whose son was in an adulterous relationship and that is exactly what happened to the boy's wife. Don't have sex until he has been tested for STD.

As someone who chose the other side of the hot topic of sex with a WS, I would just like to add this: if you do choose to have sex with him, make him wear a condom. That will at least protect you from most of the worst stuff, though HPV is one that it does not always protect from.

I had several reasons for making the choice that I did, one of the main ones being that we had been having sex already before I knew, so it seemes like closing the barn door after the horse ran away. He was also living at home through the whole thing, and we were in the same bed.

But having said that, there are very few times when having sex or not will actually make a difference in the end. Mimi felt it was very important to her eventual recovery; with hindsight, I believe firmly he would have come back to me without sex, since that was not an area of our M that was in trouble, ever.

So don't have sex, and if you do anyway, protect yourself first and foremost.

Marriage licenses as well as real estate ownership is public record. If they married in your town or own property, a trip to the county court house records room will get you his name. I am assuming you know hers, of course. If there is any shared real estate or they were married in the county, you can look it up.

If you dont know how, just ask the clerk, that is there job and they usually are very helpful.

I will have to emphatically agree that to have SF with a WS is akin to putting a gun to your head and playing russian roulette.

WS's virtually never use protection, in spite of what they may have told you, they will lie about that every time.

You are adking yourself to trust a person who has already demonstrated that they are untrustworthy.

The very discovery of my W's A was b/c I developed HPV, after 32 years of what I thought, was a faithful M. Well now I and she have HPV for life. Would of been kinda nice if she had told me before that happened.

This is, what I believe is the chinck in the armor of Dr. H's plan A. He continually refuses to dicuss the posssiblility of STD's and HIV. I believe that is because he finds SF such a big part of plan A. But at what cost??? Doesn't the BS have a right to protect thier health and life from these types of diseases??

I love plan A, but until all testing has been done for at least six mos. IMHO, there should be no SF as a respectful consideration to the BS.

Oh well,
That's just me I guess,

All Blessings,
Jerry

edited to add, the 6 mos. of no SF is IMO, a consequence of the horrible choice of having an A in the first place.

Okay well my WH did come over to the house today. I'm not going to tell if we did anything- For me to know only. But get this. I woke up today to a very familiar pain in my side. I had to ask my WH to take me to the hospital. I have 2 kidney stones- one in each kidney! Ouch. He took smoke breaks and I came home and checked the phone records and he called her everytime he went. Doesnt look like she answered his calls, but just found it funny. Oh well, he was with me today- all that matters. I do think I might have gotten through to him a tiny bit...No false hopes but I explained to him that before I can process a divorce I need him to try our marriage first as a team. He was kind of open to maybe going and talking to someone. And I told him how I had been looking to move out of state, but would only do it if he would with me- thats my plan to get him away from her. He sounded kind of interested- He's always wanted to move somewhere more countryish or outdoorsy- (MT, AK, MN) He kissed me goodbye and said he'd check in on me later. And he did say he wasnt going to rush in to any desicions. So hopefully I still have some time to influence. But I remind myself as I'm writing this with butterflies that I cant get my hopes too high!

Bump !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just talked to the WH tonight. I guess he went bowling with her and out to lunch. He didnt lie about it, but it still hurts, ya know. I feel like he'slowly replacing me in his life. And I really hate that he's taking her place that were special to me and him, using songs for the both of us. I was in his truck yesterday and he had my picture covered up and tood down my wedding garter of his mirror. "he said he didnt like it there" but it's been there 6 mo with no problem and now all of sudden that she is in his truck he hates it...
Anyway, he said he'd give me a call later and maybe we could go get some drinks. Im excited b/c i want to be with him, but at the same time I feel like he is dating both of us and making comparisons as if to see which one he likes best. It really hurts to know he has lost that much love for me.

Sorry if I'm not as tactful as I usually try to be, but I'm sick and my tact button is broken.

Stop asking about her, doing things you know will twist the knife. You will make yourself hate him (prematurely).

Unless he bring up the subject, when you are with him or talking to him, it is about YOUR marriage, YOUR relationship. If he does bring her up, you may glean some useful info as to what needs she is meeting, but DO NOT get bogged down in what they are doing.

Of course he took your garter down. He doesn't want to remember that he is married. Set it aside for later, much later.

Go out with him, be fun, flirty, and just remind him why he loved you in the first place.

Do not forget to evaluate your pre-A relationship, short though it was, and be honest whether you think he will have the qualities you need in a husband after the A ends, which it surely will.

Thanks Neek- you were tactful! I'm good at flirting so hopefully he will call tonight and we can go get a drink or 2!


Has anyone heard the Vince Gill song- The reason Why?

I was just reading the thread on break up songs and it got me thinking bout it.

Does her husband know yet ?????????

yes, he knows. He doesnt care. Guess that is why she is moving on to my husband.

How do you know? I thought you never actually talked to him.

well, b/c I beleive my husband. I also looked at the cell phone record and it does make sense. there was a call from her cell phone to my husband at the same time - so her husband called her cell ph from the home and then she called my husband... I know what your thinking, but I did take a step today and emailed the place of employment. I didnt give any names yet, but just inquired on thier policy. havent heard back yet. And tomorrow I have an appt with a pastor for counseling. And I applied for a part time job- (not full time cause i'm in school)

Good question, Jim. 1heartbroken, did he tell you that or did you find out from other sources ? How about his employer? Do they know yet?
As far as the picture goes, our family picture came off the bedroom desk as soon as the problems got serious (her idea).
It hurt at the time but it felt really good when she hung it back on the family room wall.
Hang tough, you can do it.

That was your first mistake. Why would you believe a single word coming out of his mouth?


First of all, OW could have been the one that was home, and secondly, maybe the OWH didn't know why you were there and asked OW why you would be there. I can't see how a BS would not care that his W is having an affair, even if he has his own woman on the side. I think you may be in the fog a little bit if you think that to be the case, no offense. Make sure you talk to OWH.

I went to a counselor today. She advised I need to start making boundaries. Dont allow him to live 2 lives. And to start by respecting myself more throughout this.

It really is a sad day. It's rainy and gloomy here and I just feel so depressed and afraid that these boundaries may push him away and i'm not sure I'm ready for that.

But I have made plans with some girlfriends for a girls night out. I better put the cab # in my phone as I'm sure I will drink myself numb- (2 drinks will do that lol)

Happy Holidays to all!