Ok, I have to make this short.

My wife's co-workers planned an after work get together and a local bar/restaurant. To be honest, compared to where they were held in the past, I wasn't too upset. Still, I had to open my big mouth.

I asked my wife if she wanted me to stop by after work and say hello. She said I wasn't invited. I told her that this was hurtful and that this was another situation where she was shutting me out and hurting our marriage. I didn't care about her going to this as long as the OM wasn't there, but I don't like that she is excluding me and that I'm not "invited". She said she is embarrassed by me and how I attacked her co-worker (OM). Ok, than it went into how I don't want her to be happy, how I smother her, how she feels like she is a bird trapped in a cage. She also said that she didn't see any problem with her having friends of the opposite sex and that she knew that if I had my way she wouldn't have any friends. There was a lot more, but it was just her yelling and me trying to stay quiet and occasionally get a word in. It ended with her saying she wouldn't go.

I woke up this morning to her telling me that I made her sick and how I was controlling. She said that I should want her to have a good time with her friends and that she doesn't go out that often.

Ok, I'm lost at how to handle this. Did I handle this wrong?

She is under the impression that she can bully and berate you into silence and submission. You have every right to firmly assert boundaries of protection. You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You did the right thing.

She will respect you for asserting your boundaries, jj, she may not like losing the ability to run over you at first, but she will learn to respect you if you stand firm. Women do not respect men they can run over and often our feelings of love are related to the respect we feel. Respect won't cause a woman to fall in love, but the LACK OF sure will cause a woman to fall out of love.

So, stick to your guns and keep asserting your boundaries.


I would make it clear that you don't have the power to "trap her in a cage." She is a big girl, with big girl car keys and cute shoes and can go anywhere, anytime she chooses. Only SHE has that power!

If you make her so sick, then why is she there?

I say this as an FWS:

She has no right to be embarassed by any negative comment or attack you may have launched on the OM. I am sorry, but even if what you did does not now make you proud, it should be understandable and I would think what most people would have expected of someone who was betrayed.

In my opinion, whether I had strayed or not, love dictates that you always take into account the spouses feelings and, if the spouse is as uncomfortable or hurt as you are, then love dictates your spouse must do all that she can to alleviate your pain. I have carelessly forgotten to invite my wife to a work function, but never would I purposely exclude her or allow her to feel that work was more important than her.

Sorry, I guess I am not very nice or understanding when I read that a FWS does not make every effort to protect their spouses heart.

P.S.

I really am not all that smart or wise in this area, so I leave others on this board to advise you on the best course of action; however, I do have one question. If they are going to a public establishment, is there any reason why you might not want to have a drink at the same establishment, even if you are not participating in the get together? Drinking alone at a bar is not the best thing in the world, but it is your right. Good luck to you whatever you decide, but don't let her bully you. You are worth too much to let this just slide.

I would show up at party anyways.....and I bet the unannounced presence will put a kink her her continued contact with OM....whom I assure you will be there.....

Glad I am not the only one who think this is a plausible thing to do.

My WW just called. She was very nice and told me that one of her co-workers (a female) is going to the after work get together and wants her to go. She said that I am welcome to stop by, she has no problem with me stopping by, but that she assures me that it will be all women.

I said, "fine and that I appreciated the invite". I told her to have a good time. I left it open as to whether or not I planned on stopping by. She was very nice. . . .

Trust but verify.....I would personally tell her that I am not coming to the event then have a trusted friend that she may doesn't know go and have a drink on me at the bar and do some "spying" for me. It will be interesting whether she is telling the truth or not.

If she's telling the truth then great. If not he can text or call you and you can convienently show up at the bar.

I'd show up, and make sure that you BOTH have a great time together! Be as kind and loving as you can to her...and let her friends see it. Laugh, joke, and try to really enjoy yourself.

Let them start to wonder why on Earth she would have been stupid enough to be angry with you in the first place.

Update:

While I didn’t go to the “party”, I did drive by the establishment to see if the OM’s car was there. It wasn’t. So I drove by his apartment and his car was there. I ran a few errands and made another trip by his place before heading home and the OM’s car was still at his apartment. My wife got home around 7pm. She called me on her way home to tell me she was leaving and said that I would be very happy; she said that only one guy showed up and he didn’t stay for more than one beer and then left.

I asked if she had a good time and she said she did and that she was glad that she went. I said that I was glad she had a good time and left it at that.

Not really sure if i handle that well or what to do next. I'm trying to remain positive, especially for my daughters sake. I haven't bought my WW a christmas gift yet. If things were ok between us I was going to buy her a new set of skiis and boots, and also tickets to Hawaii for Christmas and her 40th birthday. I figured I better hold off on the trip and I just haven't felt like buying her the skiis.