Its been awhile since I have posted. If you are curious you can read my entire story by tracking my posts. Here is the short of it.

Wife and I were married for a couple years when she had affair #1 and became pregnant. We separated, then worked things ou, and I was raising the child as my own with very little involvement from his dad.

A couple years later, we had another son... mine.

Fall 2005, wife had another affair and lived with the boyfriend for a short period of time. She returned home, and about 2 weeks later found out she was pregnant. She swore up and down it was mine. I took her at her word (with obvious doubts), and was involved in the pregnancy, name choosing, and I was there at birth and had name placed on birth certificate.

Two weeks later, she leaves while I am at work. Saying baby is not mine. She then tells me they want the baby's name changed and proceeded in that direction. Last week, I got papers from a lawyer and the paternity test showing I am not the father. This is where my question lies.

They are asking me to sign a Joinder with basically a story of what happened etc. It seems to me they threw in some un-needed and irrelevant information, and I am wondering why.

Here is what this says with names removed and I'll explain my reservations about signing this as is at the end.

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I, MY NAME HERE, state under the penalties of perjury on this ____ day of _______, 20__, as follows:

My name is MY NAME HERE. I was born on MY B-DAY and am 29 years old. I live at MY ADDRESS.

I am Married to MY WIFE. However, we were having marital difficulties to the point where we separated in August 2006. She moved to NAME OF CITY and is living with NAME OF BF.

WIFE became pregnant in late 2005. At that time and thereafter, I thought I was the father of the child. I went to the hospital in this capacity and was named as father on the birth certificate. However, based on what WIFE and BF have told me, and also referring to the DNA test, I am at this point totally convinced that BF and not I is the father of the child. I recognize this circumstance will prevent me from having visitation, inheritance or other familial rights with respect to the child. I also realize I will have no duty of support to the child. I accept these determinations.

I have had full access to independent legal counsel of my own selection prior to executing this document and understand and am satisfied with its terms. This document has been prepared by the attorney for WIFE and BF. I am aware that he represents them and not me. I have been encouraged to have it reviewed by independent counsel before execution. I have executed it of my own free will and have not been coerced, threatened or paid.

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OK, if you are still with me, here is my concern. Tell me if I am reading too much into this...

The part about having marital difficulties. To me, that is totally irrelevant and seems to almost excuse her actions. In addition, I was trying to save the marriage even after she left. I'm not at that point anymore I don't think. The signed affidavits that she and he signed also have something in them. Her line with this in says, "we developed continuing marital difficulties, and I began seeing BF"

Before her affair, I was not aware of any serious continuing problems. She never told me she was unhappy, etc. This seems to imply that I had something to do with it, and was aware of problems. I have not filed for divorce yet and neither has she. I guess I am worried about these documents being brought up in court somehow to excuse her behavior. My unfamiliarity with the divorce process is making me paranoid I guess.

Also, WE didn't separate, she just up and left.

Am I reading too much into this? Should I just sign? Or ask that that part be removed before signing?

Thanks for reading this...

go see a lawyer immediately before signing anything

yes, get a lawyer. and does your wife NOT understand what birth control is? wtf?

mlhb

Ditto! Get a lawyer. I would also be concerned that child #2 is actually yours. If Va is a state where you can sue for alienation of affection, I would take the BF, and maybe WW to the cleaners, since you have the DNA evidence.

Va is not one of those states, and it is my understanding that those cases are extremely rare even in the few states that allow it.

As for the lawyer. Money is extremely tight and I was hoping to not have to need one for what appears to be a cut and dry simple case... except for the inclusion of what I feel is irrelevent to changing a baby's name. To pay for the divorce, I will first need to sell the house most likely. I am hoping the market picks up in the spring.

She is also currently out of state, so I'll probably have to try to get a lawyer in the state where she is and where the case is pending right? If I did get a lawyer to look the document, I would only want some simple advice - not have him represent me. Will a lawyer do that?

My current plan is to call their lawyer, and ask that he rewrite this...

"I am Married to MY WIFE. However, we were having marital difficulties to the point where we separated in August 2006. She moved to NAME OF CITY and is living with NAME OF BF."

To...

"I am Married to MY WIFE. She is currently living with BF in NAME OF CITY."

Or something like that.


With the exclusion of that line, I have no problem with the rest of the statement. I am convinced the baby is not mine and I have a copy of the DNA test. I just don't want anything but 100% facts on paper with regards to our marriage. WE didn't seperate, she left. Using the word WE makes it seem like it was a mutually agreed upon thing.

Don't give any leverage you may have. Don't sign anything. Lawyers are expensive, yes. But a consultation fee only isnt that much and will probably well worth it.

Somewhere here there was a post with a link to court cases on paternity and I think you have a right, if you wife was living with you when she became pregnant to NOT relinquish your parental rights.

If you sign this, you just gave up your right. Maybe you dont want any rights, OK, so still dont sign. Because maybe you can just wait to sign, if you get fair custody/vistation/cs agreement signed for your child.

I doubt you want to have anything to do with your wife anymore and I dont blame you, but your child, fight for your child. And the other child, who doesnt know his bio-father, you can fight for him as well if you so chose to.

I cant recommend strong enough that you see a lawyer and dont sign anything. If push comes to shove, they will have to take you to court and you will have to testify on the stand, or boyfriend will not be named as the father.

I am not encouraging you to be difficult, just to look out for your own interests and the interest of your child. You can be sure that is what the bf is going to do.

Find out the ramifications.

See an attorney. Pay for an hour of time. Don't sign something that could have life long implications without getting legal advice.

VH,

I took a quick peek to see if you had previously posted over on the Pregnancy/Child Board here and it didn't look like it.If you haven't,post over there too since there are many,many couples/people who are going through similar things re: other children ( OC-product of an affair) and much more too.

Good Luck

VH,

You are the childs legal father and are named on the BC. They are requesting that you surrender all of your parental rights to this child. Make absolutely sure this is something that you want to do.

Are you sure the child is not yours? Perhaps you should request a second paternity test on your terms.

I would not sign that poorly written document if I were you. Anything that you do sign should be done so with your lawyer present or at the very least, a witness and a notary public.

I had my severe doubts that the child was mine all along. I knew about the affair during which she left for about a month or so, before I knew she was Pregnant. At one point, she left again and claimed she had lost the baby... only to come back a few weeks later. She made up some story about the doctor wanting to terminate because of her health (she had major problems through the pregnancy).

After the affair, when she came back and before I (and probably her) knew about the pregnancy, she wanted to jump right into bed. She even bought new lingere (sp?), etc. Then she said she had just had a birth control shot to try to get me to unprotected. I let my hormones and my desire to reconcile take over. Looking back, she obviously either knew she was, or suspected it and wanted to cover it up in case things with the BF didn't work out.

I am convinced at this point that the baby is not mine and I have no desire for visitation, etc. He was only home from the hospital a few days before she took off. I get the other two every weekend, and extended weekends whenever I can. She has been very cooperative on that issue. That's been the hardest on me - not having the kids around every day.


What happens if I don't sign? Obviously, I don't have to if I don't want to. I assume it will then go to court? Why do they need my "permission" or my appearance in court when the baby is not mine?


If I am convinced he is not mine, which I am, what's the harm in signing the document AS LONG AS THEY REMOVE or accurately describe what happened in the marriage?

If they went to court, without my signed letter, would / could a judge order it changed?

Also, on the free consultations, do lawyers give you good information on what to do besides "hire me, I'm great".

That's interesting.

So basically, the absolutely HAVE to have my signature to do what they want to do?

I have no problems signing away the paternity aspect, just not going to put my name on anything that states less than 100% facts when it comes to my marriage. The fact that those lines are in there, and also a line in the petition regarding marital problems for an extended period of time... well, it just doesn't smell right to me.

I feel like I am being set up. My WW claims she wants basically nothing in the divorce, but someone, either her, the lawyer or the BF seem to be preparing for the future. What other possible explanation could there be for including those lines in the document?

I do have a number for someone here locally based on someone's referral. I hope he can give me some advice - the case is out of state.


It does seem that I hold all the cards here, and they should have no problem changing the document if they want me to sign.

Yes. They have to unless they file to find you unfit as a parent.
I am sure they are planning something. I told you something didn't seem right to me either.
Are you paying any child support right now? That can also be a factor in the long run.

Yes. The BH has many more rights when it comes to an OC.
The BW has absolutely NONE in regards to an OC, just as when the BH name is on the bc then the OM has NONE.

This is a nasty business. Dealing with situations regarding OC's is time consuming and demanding.

Have all your ducks in a row before meeting with WW & OM's attorney.
They have a plan. Be sure to have one of your own.

The facts regarding the status of your marriage will likely NOT be address until divorce is filed by either party.
But I am sure you already are aware of that.
And her Wayward status isn't going to go well for her in Divorce proceedings...

Good Luck.
Prayers are being said for you and the children.
Stacia

Kindof a side question...


What about the 1st child that is not my bio child? I am NOT on his birth certificate - there is no father listed. The Bio father knows about him, sees him every once in awhile, but has not supported him at all except for a few Christmas / B-Day gifts.

I don't know if a Paternity has ever been done. I was told there was, but I have never seen it. I do know he is not mine though.. we were not active at the time, and he looks like his dad)

Is he legally mine?

As for what I am paying...

I am still paying for her car insurance, and all the bills with regards to the house which leaves me very tight. I hope the market rebounds in the spring if I have to or decide to sell. I give her $40 per week to pay half of my bio child's daycare (the oldest is in school). Supposedly the oldest's Bio dad is paying for after school care.

She is also driving a car that I payed off when I refinanced the mortgage into my name only (she wasn't working at the time).