Hey, I'm new here

My wife of 7 seven years has been thinking about divorce for a while now. She gave herself 90 days to think about it, in which I came around full circle. I've actively made some changes about myself which she believes are sincere. There was a part of infidelity on her part, much lying, but she has done well in ending that. I've done my own "independent research" and have confirmed that she hasn't talked/communicated/seen this guy for 1.5 months. He's out of the picture. I've confirmed it, that's about the only good news....

This bad news is she keeps me away from her heart. She's scared to trust me again. I've seen counseling for my anger, have not had a single outburst in over 3 months. Have treated her with much love, forgiveness, respect, honor in the last 90 days. I work with a counselor, a pastor, a church support group, have expanded my social network to give her space. Lost 35 pounds working out, and much more. I did these things for me, for her, for our marriage.

She told me last Monday she wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I tried to suggest counseling for many months, talk with a pastor, anything. She wouldn't budge at all for the last 90 days. The very next tues night after working together on how we would split up things... she said she wasn't sure about the divorce. She postponed filing with the lawyer.

She did not want to face my family this Christmas so she went to stay with her family out of town. I've been supportive but firm with my own feelings. I tried to tell it would be ok to come to Christmas, my family loves her and is understanding. She balked and still left.

The more she is away, the more I feel she will want to move forward with the divorce. I hate it! She can't see how this is bad. Her family isn't exactly the poster children for marriages. She comes from a split family, with her mom and dad remarried 3 times. I don't know what else I can do, but wait and see what she decides this coming week. My decision has always been to work things out, to improve and build our marriage, I've never given up on her ever.

Obviously there is more to this than I'm able to put in words right now, but that is my situation in a nutshell. I don't know what else to do. She's know she needs to decide her part on our marriage soon. She's knows where I stand on it. I've written her letters on my view. It's basically... I forgive her, I can trust again, I love you, I'm committed to us and I place Christ at the center of us.

I believe divorce is wrong, but she has a sovereign will and can decide her life as such. This is in God's hands. Right now I'm so used to the stress that is scares me. I think I will find out this week what her plan is. Probably Wednesday when she comes back.

Any advice, comments, etc... please post. Thanks and God Bless. Merry Christmas to everyone.

-Alanon

Has she ended ALL contact with the OM? Can you describe her affair, who was he, how long, etc? How did it end?

Any children? And why is your screen name Alanon? Is she alcoholic?

I kinda know how you feel. My WW broke it off with the OM at the beginning of November (other than two closure contact phone calls), but still has yet to make any commitment to the M. Little affection, no kissing, no SF. I am still doing plan A and leaving the rest in God's hands. You can't make her stay. You can only make yourself as safe a place as possible for your WW. Don't talk about divorce. Don't mope around the house, act upbeat. She probably is having a hard time coming to terms with what she has done. What you need to do is just be the best husband possible regardless of what she decides from one day to the next, and meet whatever ENs she will allow you to. It is possible that you may be pushing her away with R/M talk or LBs, so stop that immediately. Put your own needs aside for now, and just focus on her. Don't try to control anything, just leave this in God's hands.

IF, and that's a BIG if, there has been NC, then your W is still in withdrawal, and pining for the OM. She cannot do anything for you right now, IF she's in withdrawal. However, it would seem she wants to be away from you to make it easier to remain in contact with the OM. Women do not give up feelings for the OM very easily, because they have to admit they were WRONG, so I would go into major snoop mode, if I were you.

I would check all cell phone records, put a keylogger on your (her)computer, check all credit card receipts for gifts she might have bought for him, and for purchase of any calling cards or throw away cell phones. Check all her pockets, bags, and search her private hide-a-way places in your home. It sounds like she is still in contact, in some way, or going through a reluctant and very slow Withdrawal period.

In the mean time, purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" and become familiar with the dynamics of an affair, and how to combat the "enemy". It sounds like you are in a "Plan A" of your own creation, but read more here and do a very complete Plan A to help "end" the affair and make yourself a better candidate for marriage as a husband.

Read all the threads you can stand on these forums and you'll see a definate pattern in the way Wayward Spouses act and react. It's all very, very similar, and the way to "beat" the affair is through Harley's philosophy. All the advice you will get on these forums will be based on this, or at least most of it.

Read, learn, educate yourself and gain the power to win this battle. By the way, know in advance that this will take a couple of years to "fix" so don't get in a hurry. Feelings don't change overnight, and your W seems to be on a reluctant path towards reconciliation.

Keep posting for great advice on how to make this journey successful!

Best wishes,
SD

Can anyone point me to where all the abbrevations stand for... for example. BH, FWW, WW, I get lost trying to understand what those abbrevations stand for. THere must be a post or introduction that explains all this. I've search but can't find anything.

The name alanon is a character from a Terry Brooks novel, nothing to do with AA.

I've done the snoop thing with checking in on my wife. THe other guy is gone. He's actually going back to his wife. That's been done for over 1.5 months. She has admitted it's wrong and apologized and has done a nice job checking in with me when she goes somewhere... THis was her idea, not my demand.

We have no children involved at all
THe affair was ended by her. It was mostly an emotional thing.
She refuses conseling with me, or talking, or working on anything with our marriage. I've read books like "battlefield of the mind" by joyce meyers. I've tried to give my spouse space, yet let her know how much she is loved. I don't mope, but be positive, give her encouragement, make her laugh, etc...
She just doesn't really want to open up and let any kind of connection with me take place.

She know she can't stay in this indecision very long, it's been over 3 months now.

She currently is with her family, and I am living at the house taking care of things there.

I try to call her everyday just to talk, have fun, see how her day is going, how her family is, and to listen to what she has to say. Part of me also wants to know... "Are you going make the decision to divorce AGAIN!" It sucks, but I would rather have her be honest than to lie to me.

Alanon, if you don't live together, how would you know the affair is over?

Acronyms: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ge=0#Post402212

Who told you the OM is going back to his wife, your wife?

p.s. I think shattered dreams gave you excellent advice. I can think of nothing to even add to that.

thank you for the link to abbreviations!!! Now I just have to translate!

For the record, we do live together, she is on break for Christmas (she works in the schools) and she is spending time with her Mom and Dad who are divorced and live in the same area. She is staying with her Dad right now.

I've done "independant" checking that doesn't include what my wife is telling me in regards to the other man. It's certainly possible that she is still in contact but it doesn't reflect in any of my checkups that I've done. She know she has no future in the OM, he 15 years older, has kids in high school, a history of infidelity, a needy scumbag, etc... She's 30, I'm 31. I don't worry about OM anymore. Unless there is another I"m not even aware of. I don't feel this is the case though. She's not a very good lier when it comes to hiding a relationship.

The bigger problem right now is that she is so withdrawn from our marriage that I don't know if there is really anything more I can do? SHe is very scared to have trust in our marraige again, she's having mid-life crises, won't even see a pastor on her own, she's vunerable to believing the "it's all about herself, and her needs, and her own pride" I can see that. I never told her that she is being selfish right now though!! Whoaa! NO! I've tried to get to see the positives, the hope, I've given her trust, forgivness about the OM, have tried the best way I can to let her know that I am independant and not depending on her to take care of me.

She didn't call at all tonight although she said she would. I texted her a quick message wishing her well and to sleep good. She replied she'd call tomorrow.

I really have a bad feeling she's quitting and giving up on any chance with our marriage. I really don't understand how she can just quit. I've really given her reasons to want to work things out and given her hope. She has seen good positive changes in me that she has said are sincere. For whatever reason, she can't get past our 'bad' past, move toward restoration, healing, forgiveness, and hope. It's sad.

Wierd thing is, she's a fighter, not a quitter. I wish she'd get herself out of the dumps of negativity. I really don't believe in divorce, unless you have really good reasons, like unfaithfulness, physical abuse, etc...

NONE of this has taken place on my part. I've had issues with anger in the past, like yelling and cussing. But not like an every week or month thing. Maybe a blowup every 6 months. Anger is 99% wrong. I know that now. I've taken steps to manage it. Gone to counseling, work with a church group, worked through some books, etc... I've learned much and have managed it very well even through all the crap, even when I found her with the OM. Managing my anger has just been one positive change I've made in the last 90 days.

I know that no matter what happens, I'll come out a much better person. I just wish and pray that she would be with me to see that.

oh and Thanks for the post/replies! I appreciate all your comments and any insights you may have! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey what does NC stand for? I can not find it on the acronym list.

NC=No Contact. The cornerstone of recovery

Alanon, I know how frustrating and hurtful your situation is. The one thing I did that I believed helped my WW stay was to just love on her. I would buy her cards and flowers, make dinner, etc. Just let you know how much you love her and how much she means to you.

Most importantly, if she is willing, get into marraige counseling.



And if you haven't already, take Shattered Dreams advice and get this book.

If she truly is in NC with the OM, your M has a very good chance of recovering. Over 80% of all people who commit adultery come back to there spouse eventually. She is most likely going through withdrawal, and pining over the OM. After she is through that, she will have to muddle through all the rationalizations and justifications she has made over the past few months to shield her from the guilt of what she was doing. Some WSs have a hard time facing up to that guilt and would rather ignore it or run away from it (my WW included) instead of throwing themselves on the mercy of the BS and asking forgiveness.

Eventually, if you continue with a good plan A and are patient, they no longer can justify their behavior anymore and crack. This is fairly common. It took M2L's WW four months after NC to reach this point. For some it may take longer. For my situation, she broke it off at the beginning of November, but she has called him twice since then on a prepaid calling card. Both times I found out, and it set back our recovery each time for about a week. I am starting to notice some chinks in her armor, and I fully expect a full recovery sometime in the next few months as long as I stick to the plan.

I know that you want to fix things right away, but there is no quick fix for a broken marriage. Most marriages take 6 months to two years to recover completely from infidelity. If it hasn't been that long, then I suggest you suck it up and just be patient. Keep meeting her ENs as best you can, and she will likely come around, but SLOWLY. If you need advice or a more comprehensive plan, call Steve Harley, and he is a master at repairing these marriages and tayloring a plan to your situation. Good luck.

News Flash...she gave up on the marriage when she decided to have an affair. But as Jim stated in the last post, it is up to YOU to make your WW see the marriage is worth saving. It doesn't seem fair, in fact, it's not fair, that the spouse who gets dealt the lowest blow has to take responsibility for saving the marriage. But that's the way it is.

Plan A is your course of action for the next 3-5 months. Eliminating all Love Buster's from your life. Becoming a strong and independent creature who is determined to make himself a better person in all ways, which will also make him a better husband.

Reflect on your marriage. What EN's have you failed to meet of your wife. Do all you can to make deposits in her Love Bank, and she'll come around. Women are slow and unpredictable in making the decision to "return to the marriage", but with a PLAN, and a dedicated execution of the plan, it can happen.

Best wishes,
SD

thanks for the replies! I've done my own Plan A for the last 90 dsys and still continue to do so. It's not about the infidelity right now. She has had NC since Nov 1st. Now it's about her even wanting to stay in the marriage. She wouldn't be leaving me because of OM. I really don't know the reasons she would leave, but it is sure is looking like she might be.

She comes back either tonight or tomorrow night, she hasn't decided yet (again she is with her family). She's in limbo right now. I don't even know how to act around her right now. Give her space again? Confront her? Ask her to leave if she still isn't willing to work on our marriage? I've given her much space while still doing my plan A for the last 3 months. I really think she'll have moved toward a decision by this week.

SHe has not done a thing for this marriage the last 3 months, her individual counselor gave her permission to let herself off the hook and take time for herself and to specifically NOT work on our marriage. Again, that 90 days is up now. So she will soon make a decision.

She already choose divorce once (for a day) and now is back in limbo. Talk about me being a Yo-Yo. I'm crushed, then I have hope. And now? I feel numb and disconnected. Can I reasonably have a conversation with her about making a choice? and if you can't, could I even ask her to leave and live somewhere else then, until you do? I don't think that is the right decision, but it sure would make my life easier. I feel what she is doing is SOOOOO wrong, on many different levels. but who am i to judge her? She is responsible for herself and her choices, she is meeting her needs the best way she knows how to right now. Too bad, it involves disconnecting from her faith and running to her family and put her decision's on hold. She refuses to go to counseling, talk with me and a pastor, talk with other couples going through the same thing.... I have asked her many times! -In a non confrontational style.

How do you people NOT go crazy?!?!? Some of you have been battling much longer than me and you have kids!!! For me it's only been about 3-4 months of this crap. I feel my Plan A time line is running out, not by my choice. So what's this Plan B and does it sometimes involve a spouse filing for divorce? -cause that could very well be where she is headed. (after filing for divorce, you have to wait 90 MORE days until it is legalized by our state.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

oh ouch... Just found out she moved 1 grand to a new checking account of hers tonight. She won't talk with me and won't tell me anything.

I've taken what steps i can with my own finances. Looks like the storm is about to hit with the divorce. It's be nice if she would at least communicate with me. I don't get anything, a voicemail, a message.. Nada.

Alanon it sounds to me your ww is still deep in what we call the fog, that is she is still in contact with the OM someway and that is why she is not moving on, she is still getting the OM fix.

I do feel that the situation with an om has in all probability gone on for some time already of which you are unaware. You cannot trust your WW word on any of this because, well we lie it seems just for the sake of it sometimes. Its a complete fantasy world and you say anything or do anything just to keep your spouse & friends & family out of your hair.

I was listening to Dr Harley the other day on radio and he advised a H in a similiar position to see a lawyer and not leave the home until the lawyer says so. You may just need to protect yourself for now and let your WW wonder in her fantasy for the near future.