Hi MBers, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

I am in a successfully recovered M since d-day 7/03 (I was BW). We worked hard and have since enjoyed a much better and stronger marriage than we had pre-A.

I have been noticing lately, though, that over the last few months some old pre-A habits that I thought were long gone for both of us are starting to sneak back in. I notice primarily in both of us shorter tempers towards each other, which can turn into LBs thrown back and forth and then ignoring each other until we just sweep it under the rug and move on or one of us "gives in" and attempts to right it with the other.

Just writing it, I know how ridiculous it sounds and how obvious the solution...I tend to be a "taker" and learned to become a "giver" during our recovery and also learned how to fill his ENs, something I never understood before and credit MB with this very valuable component to our recovery.

Problem is, I am feeling very stubborn and find myself going to that negative mindset of "well, if HE wouldn't be so (blank) I wouldn't be so angry, crabby, moody...etc.

I guess I am just looking for some guidance from other successful long-term recovereds for those times that you notice yourself going back to old behaviors/patterns that are not healthy for the continued success of the marriage. What do you do, what do you tell yourself, what do you say to your spouse when you notice this happening?

Thanks so much for your time.

Glad, when I catch myself doing that, I STOP. That is what I do. You have the benefit of knowing what it will do to your marriage, fortunately.

I do notice that I can get crabby and short tempered right around the holidays so I have to keep a special hold on my tongue at times.

Also, being a giver is a delicate balance. If you are sacrificing to an extreme, then that is an invitation to your taker to come out with a roar. Are you balancing them out?

Actually coming here and staying grounded in the MB Principles helps me alot...

I combine this with reading books that address the areas that I need to learn about and to grow in...

It helps me to stay focused on a PLAN of PERSONAL GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT..this started for me with PLAN A..which Steve Harley had me to call "MY PLAN"....

Thanks Mel for the reply. I always enjoy your support on these boards and especially value your stance on exposure. Just an fyi...my H's A was exposed to me by OWH immediately after he learned, and I will always be grateful for that because it killed the A and made me take a good look at our M and it gave us the opportunity to begin recovery and fix where we were going wrong.

Anyway...

STOP, yes, I need to start telling myself this when I feel that intollerance building and nastiness on my tongue. Having the benefit of knowing what it can do to our M is indeed something I need to keep in mind.

You are right, the holidays can be stressful, especially with four little ones under age 8. I want to feel the JOY of the season, not the moodiness. We don't have family in town and so we took our girls bowling Christmas night and somehow we managed to get into a snippy fight before leaving that would have been totally characteristic of our "old" M, but not our "new" one, and here it is the following afternoon and we are still in silent battle against one another.

I wouldn't say that I sacrifice to an extreme in my marriage. My H (FWH) has always been much more of a giver in our M. Maybe what is happening is that I am not finding that delicate balance in my parenting because I am in a very sacrificial time with their ages. Maybe my giver is getting so exhausted with the girls, that my taker indeed does come out with a roar--aimed right at H!

Okay, that is a good thought to ponder. How do I balance out my giver/taker with my H when I feel so "taken" by my kids that sometimes I can't stand one more person (H) to take from me? He truly doesn't get this, although he knows the girls are a lot of work and he is a very helpful, hands-on daddy and H.

Maybe this isn't about him at all and more about some wierd emotional upheaval in myself.

Thanks in advance for any additional insight. I appreciate your time.

Glad

I think it might be good to go back and read the FOUR RULES FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE..

These need to be rigidly applied during Recovery....and FOREVER MORE....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

Thank you Mimi, for your reply. I was hoping to hear from you on this.

I worry about being on here sometimes because I find I can get myself caught up in the sad stories here and feel too down. Yet I continue to come back. I probably need to go back to the main part of the site more often and read Harley's excellent articles, all of which I read thoroughly after d-day. I have also been thinking of asking my H to do the EN Q again. We did it 3 weeks after d-day and it was so incredibly valuable. It seems we are beginning to fall into complacency some three years later and forget that maintaning a healthy relationship takes a DAILY committment. This is another thing I need to start reminding myself of regularly.

I used to be a huge evening reader, but lately I have been obsessed with doing Sudoko puzzles before falling asleep. Can you recommend any reading that you have found helpful? I am a sister in Christ, as I know you are, so if it is Christian oriented material, I wanted you to know I would most welcome that.

I like the idea of a plan of personal growth and development. I know that in order to not get lost in my "mommy" role, I need to have this kind of plan. Any suggestions for how you approach this plan for yourself would be very much appreciated.

Glad

Thanks Mimi, I will read the 4 rules of a successful marriage today!
Glad

Glad, bravo to you for exposing the affair so swiftly. It really can be so very effective.

I agree with Mimi's excellent suggestions. It is so hard to not feel overwhelmed when you have small children that require constant giving. There is just no way around it. So, I can understand why your giver is exhausted. It does get easier as the years go on, though.

As most of us can, I KNOW when the conflict or distance is beginning to build. I can feel it. And I do my VERY best to confront it BEFORE the blow-up or the urge to shove it under the rug.

I plan a special time to approach my H with my concerns and pre-plan my speech,, starting with "Honey, I'm concerned about-------" so he knows it's not an attack. I ask for his suggestions, advice and help to resolve the problem.

My most, most FAVORITE book most recently has been Love and Respect by Eggerichs..It's biblically based and is a FOCUS ON THE FAMILY BOOK..

For me, it's been most helpful to read books to help me understand my H better because I was so off-base in recognizing and understanding his needs...so another great book is Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul by Eldredge.


I was just so accustomed to not being the GIVER that I have to stay in PRACTICE and focused on this. This was also recommended to me by Steve to PRACTICE and to think of it like EXERCISE..staying in shape..which I also do... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I read your story some more, Glad, and think that you may need to particularly read THE RULE OF TIME...

I think you will feel much, much better if you two give TIME with each other your HIGHEST PRIORITY...

Oh no! I just typed a lengthy response that I guess took me too long, because I lost the whole thing!

I guess I will have to try to "nutshell" it, since I was writing my thoughts as they came and I won't be able to recapture it the same.

Mel-just to clarify...I was exposed to, not the exposer. The OWH exposed to me. I did somehow manage to move forward wisely from that, and also found MB 3 days later which was invaluable and helped me develop a Plan--the most important part of recover!--just by reading all the articles on this site. Thanks for the encouragement that it does get a bit easier as the kids get to older stages.

Nerlycrzy--Thanks for responding to me. I needed that reminder to not let things fester, but as soon as I notice feeling "off" to address that with my H. Sometimes, though, I am my own worst enemy and I am crabby just because and take aim at a target...often my H, poor guy. I realize I need a plan for what to do with my crabby state when it rears its ugly head. I am, btw, on zoloft...I have been since 2 months past d-day. I have not attempted to go off it but once, because the depression was so dark and such a journey out of it that I am afraid to ever return to that state.

I am so nervous to loose this again that I am going to send this portion and continue on another reply..
Glad

Okay...

Mimi, thanks for providing the link to the 4 successful rules of marriage. I just read it. You hit it right on that the rule of time is the one I need to refocus on. After d-day we faithfully spent 45 min every night after the girls were in bed to sit and talk, stare, be together. Somehow over time we have fallen back into our bad habits of me going to bed early to do some Sudoko puzzles and fall asleep and him going to the basement to watch tv and putz around until after midnight..he's a night owl.

We have inconsistently enjoyed through the years playing card games in the evenings. I know any time I would suggest this he'd take me right up on it. He also loves doing puzzles with me and I bought 2 1000 pieces ones for us for christmas. He'd also love it if I'd sit in the basement with him in the evening and watch tv or movies. It drives me crazy to sit and watch the tv, but I know he likes it...is that recreational companionship and/or does that count as time together? This is where my taker wants to take over. I love going to bed early and relaxing by myself in bed reading or Sudoko. I don't want to sit in the basement and watch tv or play a game or do a puzzle. But I do like being with my H, and when I am doing these things I do enjoy it.

His most important ENs are SF and admiration. Just in the last year I feel like we are really starting to hit a consistent and satisfying groove with SF. And I do admire him, but often forget to verbalize it. Today he rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned all the carpets while I was out with our oldest dd. When I got home I knew it was important to him that I go through each room and ooo and ahhh, so I did that, and also patted his butt a couple times while he was making us all a snack. I know he enjoys this and helped to dispel any remaining animosity from the sniping we did at the bowling alley last night.

Now tonight he wants to take down the christmas decorations and I SOOO do not want to do this, but I know it will make him happy and then it will be done with his help instead of me doing it this week after he is back at work.

So my plan for tonight is to be in the basement with him doing a puzzle or watching tv and to get some of the christmas decorations put away with him. I need to be accountable because I have a tendency to get lazy and have great intentions but no follow through, so I will let you know if I follow through on this plan tomorrow.

Are these purposeful things that will make an impact. I know I can seem like such a crabby, frazzled mother/wife so much of the time. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be around me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just truly struggle with the consistent follow through. Maybe I need to keep a journal every night of ways I made time for my H that day, how does that sound?

As always, thanks for taking the time to read and for any replies/suggestions you may have.

Glad

Good Morning,

Mimi, I forgot to mention last night that I have heard of both those books, thanks for the suggestions. I have friends who are currently taking a Love & Respect class at their church and I know ours have offered it in the past. I feel like I might have had the book at one time, I will have to check it out, they probably carry it in my church bookstore.

I agree that it does help to read books that offer the male perspective. Have you read "Making Sense of the Men in Your Life" by Kevin Leman? Very good. It really helped me to understand specifically my H's SF needs and to learn to be glad that he wants ME every 33 seconds instead of being annoyed by that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Last night "we" did get the christmas decorations down. I say "we" because H did most of it. While I was posting in here, I did not know that he was removing all the ornaments from the tree and when I went out it was bare and he was taking the tree down (we are fake tree people). So I collected stuff from the rest of the house.

He is such a do-er I can't keep up with him! Remember he also steam-cleaned all the carpets yesterday! I am so lazy in comparison. I did some extra admiration, giving him lots of verbal praise for all his work yesterday and then left him a note on his sink telling him what a stud he was and how much I appreciate all his hard work. Yes, I went to bed without hanging in the basement with him. My dd5 had a bad day and could not get settled to sleep so I let her lay with me.

And now dd3 just entered and is on my lap...another day begins! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. I really notice the last couple days that I have gotten to a "too comfortable" place, secure in my H love for me and somehow I then loose my motivation to do all those little things that keep my M strong...keeping my mouth "shut" to prevent all my unnecessary comments, verbally admiring H, and spending time with him. I am going to keep this at the forefront of my mind today.

Have a blessed day
Glad

The mantra for TODAY..WHATEVER YOU DO, GET TO THE BASEMENT!!!

In fact, Glad, this is a major point in the book LOVE AND RESPECT..how our husbands want us to be their SHOULDER TO SHOULDER BUDDIES..it's a MAN thing....my H is the same way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So often I'm sitting beside him and become so overcome with thankfulness that he's even THERE..makes me reach over and HUG him TIGHT...

Don't give up your time for SOLITUDE...just do it at a time when he is not CRAVING for your COMPANY....