Booka, you certainly are sowing wild oats. LOL.

Please tell me you're not going after the twenty year olds.

Not interested in 20-somethings. I would prefer 40-somethings. Now that I've settled into my house, I'm going to be far more domesticated than I have been for some time. I need to manage my expenses and buy some furniture. I'm really tired of the bar scene. It's been my observation that the majority of people who are there are there for a few hours of entertainment. There is no follow-up. It's a tough job to find someone that is interesting enough and willing to date. I'd have to say that I've lost some interest at this point. I have enough on my plate at the moment to not worry about dating. Everyone tells me that the less I focus on trying to find someone, the more my odds of actually finding someone increase. I have to adjust to living alone, something that I have never really done before. It's a big emotional adjustment.

Booka,

Do I understand that you had your daughter with you on Friday night? Did you leave her home alone so you could go to the bar? Your daughter is probably hurting way more than you can even imagine. She needs you.


Mrs. W8ing

I had DD13 during the day both that Thursday and Friday, dropping her off at the XW's house around dinner time. DD13 has not been alone while on my watch. Even when I was married, I preferred to have DD13 accompany us in almost every activity. No, she was not home alone. Actually, from everything that has been communicated and done, DD13 is taking this divorce better than either XW or myself. It really is quite amazing. Both XW and I have offered DD13 the opportunity to visit either of our therapists and DD13 has declined. Her schoolwork has not suffered and she appears to be adjusted well to her circumstances. I have told DD13 that she is in no way responsible for the divorce nor is she responsible for either of her parent's happiness. I don't really worry about DD13.

I do worry about myself. I don't relish living alone. I have been very emotional. I want someone to rescue me, but I know that it won't help me to be rescued. This has been one of the hardest aspects of the divorce, i.e. to live alone. I try to keep myself busy around the house cooking and cleaning. I've been watching a lot of films in the evening. Most of my focus is on me and I have nothing to distract that focus at this point in time. I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I know most of this will pass. I have to be able to get through this phase. Wish me luck.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I think there can be some good to come out of a "rescue" situation. Been there. Six months after my XH moved out and the divorce started I got into a "healing relationship" (
AKA a good-for-me rebound) with a man who was also divorcing. He had no kids. I shared custody of my two. When I was kid-free we were inseparable. We held each other (together) as we went through our divorces. We had a lot of fun. We came through it all together... and then split up when we reallized we had different goals for our new futures. I don't really have any regrets about that relationship. We knew we were each other's rebounds. As time went on, though, I let the kids get a bit too close to him and they really missed him when we split.

I'm not saying that you should go find a rescuer. You need to work on "you" as much as you can, but if you meet someone along the way--while you are being as "you" as you can be--and you are honest with her and yourself about where you are at and you don't put your daughter in the middle... why not?

I was very emotional, too. I was TOTALLY over my XH and the marriage, but I was not finished grieving the loss of my hopes, dreams, future... my family... my kids' family... . I would say that it was four years til I lost/worked through all resentment and grief for that big loss. Did having a 2.5 year rebound along the way set that back? I don't know. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I learn more about who I was, what my ENs were and what I wanted for my future? Yes.


Mrs. W8ing

booka,
everything you are going through just sounds so typical.
my ex left on july 12, 2005. it was bittersweet. we had not had a marriage for a few years prior to that and no sex for 2 years. at least none for me, he was getting it elsewhere. i was glad for the ending of the marriage, it needed to happen. but i went through the same ups and downs. living alone at first (with my kids of course) felt like REALLY alone. i could not sleep for a long time. i walked around in a daze and cried a lot. not from missing him, i think more from the pain of his affairs and that he just moved on so quickly and restarted an affair that never really ended. i still don't get how he did that. he never spent any alone time, just jumped from me to her.

anyway, i didn't really do the bar scene but did the drinking with my friend also going through marital issues. hung at her house a lot. was taking college classes so kinds went through my second college experience trying to act and dress cool and all LOL
even hooked up with someone, a friend, much younger than me for a short while. thank GOD we learn from our mistakes because that was a HUGE one i still smak myself in the head for.

but it was short lived. i adjusted i'd say within 5 months or so. by january of last year, i was beginning to get to where i wanted to be and was feeling pretty good. just give yourself some time to adjust. we all go through the bar/drinking/sewing of oats thing after a marriage ends, but thank god for most of us, it is pretty short lived.

my main focus was and still is, my kids, and their happiness and well being. let that be your focus. and just when i was not looking at all, some great fell right into my path.

one day at a time, like you said.

mlhb

oh, and the "sex"... well, be very careful.
that first sex after your marriage breaks up can be really emotional.

lets face it, i have needs and usually love sex (when it is with someone i love and care about) well, i had gone without for over 2 years. that young friend i mentioned, well, we decided we were friends and it would not hurt for us to have sex. yeah, right. biggest mistake i ever made. and not only did i make it once, i made it twice with the same person! we are so messed up after marriages end we just don't think clearly sometimes. i was so flattered that a young 20 something wanted sex with me i didn't know what to do with myself. and i thought, hey it is ok, we are friends. well, it messed with my head really really badly. i felt so badly after i just cried and cried. i called and talked to him about it and he said he didn't feel right about it either. we decided never to let it happen again. the thing was, i just wanted to have sex you know? it had been so long. but i do regret not waiting until that someone special came into my life to share it with them. i just feel like it was a huge mistake that really could have cost me a friendship. i felt like we just used eachother, which is essentially what we did, and i don't like that feeling. he is engaged now to be married and i am happy for him. but our friendship was not really the same after that. i don't hardly talk to him at all anymore. haven't in a few months now, not even over email. he's happy for me, i am happy for him, and that is about where it stands.

so, just be really careful. i am not one who can have casual sex. i have to be with someone i truly care about and love.
i know we all have needs, but just realize it can really mess with your head too.

mlhb

I haven't had sex with someone else since late 09-2006, and that last time was with the XW. We went about 6-weeks without sex until she announced the divorce. I like sex and even crave it sometimes, but yet I'm amazed that I can live without it, something that I previously thought that I could not do. SF will be a very important criteria in my selection of a new partner and sexual compatibility will need to be assured before much time/energy/expense is invested in another person. SF is not my sole criteria, but I do feel the need to greatly improve upon it as it was one of the main points of contention in my marriage. In some regards I feel that it would not be difficult for another person to exceed the SF experience that I had in marriage.

It's somewhat funny about the "rescue' situation in that I see women, particularly on Match.com, that I feel sorry for or empathetic to their situation and feel some desire to rescue them. I'm trying to resist that feeling.

Every additional day that I spend alone at my house becomes better than the day before. As I've said before, there is no limit to busy-work that I can generate for myself. I am cooking a meal for myself every night and cleaning up after dinner. There are all sorts of cleaning operations that I can do, even in a new house. When spring comes, I'll be busy outdoors and will have some neighbors on my street at that point. Currently, I live on a cul-de-sac with no other occupied homes. One home across the street will be near completion and the lot next door has a poured foundation. I have met the young couple several times who will be my next door neighbors and look forward to them moving in sometime in May.

I had a great chat with a friend I've known for 30-years whom I have recently reconnected with. He's very close to my age and has been divorced quite a few years. He had a great perspective on the post-divorce dating scene and women in general. We spent quite a bit on time on the phone last night discussing it. We both agree that the bar scene is a bust for someone seeking a relationship. Perhaps he and I can explore other avenues for meeting women. He also suggested online dating, which I have been reluctant to try. Perhaps I will try it after all.

It is one day at a time. I had several months of carousing without much responsibility. It was entertaining if nothing else. Now it's time for me to be responsible for myself and my DD13. I am settling down into a more structured life with regular routine. I like structure and operate well when utilizing it.

I sent a long email to the XW yesterday and am awaiting her reply. We have been arguing a bit about filing taxes for 2006. She initially wanted to file separately and claim everything, but the separation agreement mentions nothing about taxes for 2006. She then said she would file separately, claiming head of household and claiming DD13, while allowing me the other house and tax-related deductions. I don't feel that even this is fair as I paid for 10-months of last year for everything, including support for DD13. I would prefer to file jointly just this one last time and split the refund. I like to know of anyone else's experience with filing for taxes immediately after a divorce.

Life goes on...

Well, I've been reading the tax-code a bit and it turns out that by the IRS definition we must file separately as single-individuals and that neither of us may claim head of household for 2006. XW is entitled to claim DD13 as a dependent. It's not really equitable as I paid at least half of everything for 5/6 of the year. I will figure my taxes 2-ways, one with DD as a dependent and one without. I'll then determine what course of action I may want to pursue.

Divorce or more likely the process thereof consumes a lot of time/energy/money. Am I better off than before? In some ways, yes, but I might not realize the real benefit until later.

I'm also at the stage of divorce where I would like to resume some new form of relationship with the XW. I don't want what we had. I would like a new and improved form. There is no one who knows me as well as her and vice-versa. Again, I'm not interested in a shack-up/engagement/marriage with XW, just some type of dating relationship. After going through all of the effort and expense of purchasing my own house and setting it up, I don't want to give it up and I'm sure XW does not want to give the X-house up either. The freedom to make my own choices in the setting up of my house is a benefit that I hadn't really counted on and it's rather nice to be fully in control of your own environment for once.

I muddle through, upward and onward, keep the wind at your back, etc.. Note that I don't stick-up affirmation notes all over the place, in fact, I don't have a single affirmation note.

Yeah, well, this is why I say to go slow and process things before jumping into dating full bore.

AGG

I had 3-dates around Christmas with the same person. I would date someone now if they met certain criteria. Note that my criteria changes all of the time and is somewhat situational.

I been exchanging emails with the XW. She says that our friendship died along with our marriage. Ouch! I don't feel that way, I feel that we could and should be friends. I would hazard a guess that she hasn't progressed much with the resolution of her resentments. Her resentments were a major factor in the failure of our marriage. She was dredging things up from 25-years ago, things that I did not recall or view the same way. She has proved to be a revisionist concerning her personal history.

I have gained an insight to resentments that some of you may already realize. I feel that resentments are caused initially by poor communication skills. In order to avoid resentment, a person would need to communicate their dissatisfaction at the time that it occurs, rather than batching them up.

I have become pretty good at processing my emotions and feelings. I know now that I can express them, i.e. I don't have to bottle them up. If I feel something that I determine is not rational, I reject that feeling. This has helped me to adjust to living alone (a continuous process). I try not to feel sorry for myself by telling myself that my life will become fuller as time goes by.

I should add some additional information in the interest of everyone.

Even though in some ways I'm kind of put off by women based upon past and recent history, I don't outright reject the idea of having a stable relationship with one. I have several feelers out.

There is one person I've known for a long time who is also divorced (it seems like everyone I know and meet is divorced!) who has been dating someone else. I feel that we have a mutual attraction to each other. We have spent some time together in a group environment. She is tiring of her current relationship and has indicated to me that she will probably break it off real soon. She is a woman worth pursuing. I've been playing cool and showing what I feel is an appropriate level of interest in her. We converse several times a week. She has a lot of attractive qualities. We'll see what happens.

I've also been working very slowly on someone else who is a bit younger than me.

Life goes on.

define "a bit younger" booka.....

also, you seem very up and down with your thoughts and emotions right now. all very normal...
are you sure you should be bringing a dating partner into your stuff right now? don't you think it would be better to wait until you are in a better place emotionally? you just moved out not too long ago didn't you? some of your posts say you don't want to date, some say you do, and some say you want to or would date your xw!

sounds like a lot going on in your head. being a woman, i would be afraid to date you right now for fear i would end up getting hurt.

mlhb

Oh gawd, why does that sound eerily familiar? Oh, I remember, all our WSs said that to their OPs...


Is this in addition to or instead of dating your XW?

As always, I agree with mlhb - you really need to spend some alone time before dating.

AGG

I am alone for the present and am not dating anyone. I am not dating the XW nor do I intend to after the email and phone conversation that we had today. She put the B in the B-word. I think that I'll have a T-shirt made-up with that phrase.

There seems to be some confusion going on here. There is no WS, BS, or OP. I was referring to someone that I would like to date who is specifically not my ex-wife. There are no married persons involved.

My XW is not a WS. She is in a mid-life crisis/transition and has the onset of menopause. There are other issues as well but to describe them further would make me seem like I am bashing her. I'm not sure that it would be constructive to do so.

I am vacillating a bit in my opinions, moods, and preferences. I am sure that it is to be expected at this point. I tend to recover quickly and I process things much faster than most people. After all, it's only been about 10-weeks since I was asked to leave our home. I do need some time and I won't be dating anyone this weekend.

It looks like I'll pickup DD13 Saturday morning and she will spend the night with me for the first time in the new house.

Understood. My illustration was not as much to focus on marriage as to focus on the whole "I am almost done with my BF/GF, so soon I'll be able to give you a shot" aspect of it. I find it distasteful. Yes, I know that people who are dating are not committed to each other, but I personally stay away from anyone who tries to overlap relationships. One day, you will end up being the "overlap-ee", ya know?




Yup. That is exactly why I told you at the outset that you should spend some time alone before really thinking about relationships.


I know, you keep saying that, but your actions show that no matter how fast you might be processing things, you still have some more to do before being ready for healthy relationships. This is not a slam, we've all BTDT; it's just a word of caution <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG,

I appreciate all that you have to say and will take it all under advisement. This is a new experience for me, or more correctly, new experiences. I will flounder somewhat and then regain true purpose and a clear vision of what I want and expect from a relationship. On that note, I'm going to forgo the office happy hour at a local bar and instead shop for some new shoes.

This cracks me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Dude, I have SOOOO BTDT. I process fast. I get over things fast. I I I I I. I totally relate.

Guess what? Get involved with someone else at this stage and you will find out what everyone else has real soon: you both get hurt. Involve kids and ::BAM!:: Ouch...

But, you're a smart guy. You'll figure that one out on your own...you don't need to believe anyone here. Those ups and downs you're having? Totally normal. You should be 100% okay putting that roller-coaster crap on some other chicks plate... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No offense, just my $0.01.

blu

BTW, my last post was written to myself as much as you, booka. I'm 4 weeks out now from breaking it off with a VERY sweet lady who I just wasn't ready for...and it totally sucked for us both. Still does...

To have met someone who could easily have been the one, and not ready for it, is not a good experience to look back on.

Did it help me move on? Yes. Did it hurt myself and her and others? Yes. Was it worth it? Jury is still out on that one...

Sorry for the sarcasm in my previous post, but that line about 10 weeks really did crack me up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"as always i agree with mlhb"

wtf is that agg? LOL LOL

yeah right, you always agree with me.
i saw that, i chuckled, and i am sure you meant for me to.

haha
mlhb