After finding out my husband had a brief affair almost 2 years ago I found out recently that they had a child together. We have been in marriage counseling since the day I found out and our working through this together. We are at the point now that we need to tell our own child, our family members, and our friends about the baby. How do you do this? Thank you for your advice.

Are you planning on having contact with the OC (other child)? Did your H know about the pregnancy or did you find out through request for CS?

BTW, welcome to MB. Please familiarize yourself with the concepts of the site. Dr. Harley truley has a wonderful plan for recovering marriages.

We are having contact with the OC with eventual 50% ...or I am hoping for 100% custody. I found out about the baby through CS papers received in the mail. My H denined knowing about the pregnancy at first but then later told me the OW had informed him when she found out she was pregnant. Thank you for your help.

How old are your COM? (children of the marriage) It all depends on their age what you tell them but it is important to stress that what daddy did was wrong but in no way the OC fault. NC with OW is also imperative. Do you have a mediator for the pick ups and drop offs?

As for family/friends, myself I would only tell people who really need to know.

Our daughter is 5 years old. If you have any advice on how to tell a 5 year old that she has a 1 year old sister...that would be great. I will be telling my mom in the next few months. She is the main obstacle that I will be dealing with. Although she is out of state, she is a financial support to our family and depending how she takes this situation, we may loose our house and have to take our 5 year old out of her school. My husband and I have contact with the OW as she comes over with the OC about 1 time a month for dinner (my child goes to her friends house). In the near future we will be picking up the child at the OW house. She is a college student and lives with her parents and is very vague on the support she gets from them. I am not even sure the OW has told them anything about us. We will be telling a few of our friends as soon as we can figure out the right "script". Thank you.

Well at 5 I would give very little information. She is young enough to not ask a lot of questions. I think as far as your mom is concerned your H will need to apologize directly to her for putting you and her granddaughter through this. Do you have other support? Is your H being open and honest with you now?

My H is being open and honest with me now. We go to therapy together every week and the importance of being open and honest is stressed during every session. As far as other support...no one knows about this so at this time it is just our therapist and us and this message board. My husband said he will talk to my mom and aplogize for this situation, but I feel like as her child I would like to break the news to her and then have my husband talk to her after that. Do you have any suggestions or examples on what to say to a 5 year old??? I don't want to lie but I can't tell her the complete truth at this time either. Once she knows she has a sibling she will be telling everyone. So do I say..."we will be taking care of a baby sometimes and we hope some day that we can have her stay longer". Does that sound silly. And then when the baby starts to talk does she call my husband Dad in front of my 5 year old and then what would she call me. Thank you again for your help.

I am trying to get a couple of friends who have experience with this age to come post to you. It may be next week before they do. Do not lie to your daughter. It is possible to tell her the truth without too much confusion and yes, she will tell other people so be prepared. Your DD will resent you lying to her.

My daughter was 13 when she found out about the OC.

Our daughters were 22 and 14 when they found out about 2 alleged OC (ages 15 & 9). Above all things be honest with your d, do not lie to her. Keep information to a minimum though. Does your mc have any suggestions?

I am no expert by any means but 5 is so young. If you are going to have contact, it needs to include your daughter, but I dont think you need to go into very much detail.

I am trying to imagine myself in your situation and I think I would just introduce the child by name to start with and ask questions only as they come. If the bio mother is willing to give you and your h full custody, then maybe you could say she is going to live with you from now on and she will be her sister. Five is just so young to steal any innocence from and to cloud the waters with anything dad did wrong.

I wish I knew the right way to tell her but I am at a loss.

Parents, friends, family, only on an absolute need to know basis. Work on your marriage, first, because sometimes people can make it so much harder, instead of support, you may get pressure to leave your h.

A true friend supports you in your decisions, because they are yours to make, even if they disagree, as long as you are not placing yourself or your child in any physical danger.

There is going to be hurt because of your h's selfish actions, there is no way around that. The best you can do is to try to minimize the hurt as much as possible.

God Bless You
Ann

We just made the decision to start telling family and friends about this last Wednesday during our MC session. I was the one against it as my child is so young and when I tell her...she will tell everyone. But the MC said we are going to have to stop hiding this and face the truth. During our next session I will see if she has input as to what we are to say to our daughter. I am just trying to get a clue as how to introduce this situation to my child from those who have been there. I am not worried about my friends...they will either be fine with it or not talk to me and I can always find new friends. Thank you for your advice.

Have you told any family and friends yet? I would hold off until you and your h best decide how to tell your d. She is much more important than any family or friends.

You dont want anyone saying something to her that is inappropriate.

Sadly, our d heard rumors about an OC before I did. She heard in 4th grade. I didnt hear any rumors until our d was in 6th grade. Our d carried that within her for 2 years. I would tell your counselor, your d is your priority---I know the counselor probably already knows that it is a given---but this is your life, not theirs and you need to do things on your own timetable.

I can understand the face the truth and not hide. But that doesnt mean you should shout if from the roof tops either and it doesnt mean that it is everyone's business. You have to think of your d and take things as slowly as you and your h think best.

I'm sorry I do not see delay telling family as not facing the truth. You have to deal with your d first and foremost and then you can tell them. Friends, well, who needs to know except your very close friends for support anyway.

Any new friends or acquaintenances do not need to know the details you can just say you have 2 children and leave it at that.

Your h did wrong, I will not make any excuses for him because there are none, and you are not delaying or not revealing anything to parties in order to protect him you are trying to be careful and do the best you can to minimize the negative impact on your daughter.

I think the family----you, you h and your d need to adjust to the situation and deal with it internally, then extend the knowledge to the necessary extended family---parents, sisters, etc... and as far as friends, I am going to guess the most closest dearest friend you have you have already confided in because you trust them not to disclose your personal business and they are there to support you.....any other friends do not need to know or at least not until you and your h and your d have come to better terms with it.

I have no background in psychology or counseling that is just my heartfelt opinion. I wish you the best.

God Bless You
Ann

Hi Madonna,

I droped the bomb on the W back in Feb 06.
I my oldest was 5 and my other son(COM) was 3.

We told him my oldest just before our first visit with my daughter (OC) would was 3. (yep, I hid it for 4 years).

When we did disclose, all my son said was "I didn't know I had a sister". He still does not have the "big picture".

I know one day he will and I will answer for that. For now, I give my sons equal time and attention when we visit my daughter. I have found that as long as I tickle all three at the same time, they all feel equaly loved.

As far as friends and family. My mother and father in law took care of that. They called people up out of the wood work to decribe "thier grief", "thier pain". I could accept that they wanted to punish me, but was suprized that they felt this had no effect on thier daughter. Which it did.

Now 10 months out, and EVERYBODY knows. most just wondered if we were going to stay togther or divorce. We decided to work it out, and that is what we tell everyone.

Your mom is either going to accept this or not. If she liked your H before, odds are she will look to see what you are going to do. Most people do not want to see families break up for this sort of thing. That has been my experiance anyway.

Two weeks ago my MIL made a comment about me still being "under the microscope", I said "I don't care, all my dirt is already on the table". She said it with humor, but still, things like this don't go away over night. In the same respect, it can become old news pretty fast if things appear "calm and stable".

As far as what to tell friends and family, just the truth, they will either support you or not. I was lucky, I did not lose any friends or family, niether did my wife. I accepted my faults and most were willing to accept that. Even those within our church just wanted to know if I was repentant and willing to change my ways. When I said yes, they too were willing to move on. I have a great church family.

I hope this helps,

TH

in my sitch, we have 4 grandchildren. our children are all adultsexcept one teen. he knew we had seperated for a time so when we found out ow was preg, we told him. my h and i were already back together.

it was our granddaugter that we relly had to explain to. she is 8, we told her that papa had baby with someone else. soshe has a baby uncle. shes not stupid, i think kids know too much too soon these days. she said gross,end of convo. but has finally seen picsof baby and knows he is uncle. the others one is 5 and one 4 we showed his pic and just said he was there uncle. they dont seem to have issue with as they dont relly understand alot yet. its a baby, hes there uncle, thats it. im sure later when they understand more they will have questions but untill then we wont say anything that might confuse them that they wont understand anyway.

the 4th one is only 2, we didnt say anything, when we finally get to take baby on unsupervised visits we will say tis is uncle and it wont matter to her. maybe when she is older shellhave questions but by then it will just be life to her.

my h said just be honest to any question she might have. chances are she just might be excited to know she has sibling and that will be it. it seems when they are younger the more accepting they are.

i think you should wait untill you all are ready for all to know, like you said she will tell all. i knew someone same sitch, they had to tell there 4 yearold. they told her she had a baby brother that was daddys. noquestions from her other then when can she see him. very excited and she told everyone she saw.

goodluck and dont woory to much, imtswife

Madonna,

Introduce the child to your daughter as her sister. She does not yet understand the dynamics of the situation...and doesn't need to. At 5, she will just accept it as that. The questions can be answered when she can understand the whole truth.

On the subject of telling friends and family... WHEN YOU ARE READY...and that may not be right now....and it may not be for a year...you will know....I agree that you don't need to shout it from the roof tops but once the dirty laundry is aired it doesn't stink as much. kwim?

If your mother is like mine....she will want to rip your H's head off. Rightfully so. I told my mother 2 weeks after OC was born. I knew about the P & A for 8 months prior. I had time to digest and think the whole sitation through. with MC. I decided to forgive and to stay in M and I had to tell my mother that. Nothing she was going to say would change my mind and that anything she did say would do NOTHING to help the situation. I HAD to be very blunt and to the direct point with her. I explained how remorseful H was and how my children and I did not NEED to pay for the mistake that HE made. I still loved him & so did our COM. WE did not have to have life altering events because that is what so many feel "H deserved". My mother has taken this all very well. No jabs @ H or disrespectful remarks........she knows that would hurt me and her grandchildren if she did. AND ....she has become Mom-Mom to OC..... She tolerates my H....but the relationship will never be like it once was.

And on the flip side........once I did tell my mother, on a Thursday night, she goes to get her hair done the following Saturday morning, and wouldn't you know it....the damn hairdresser blabs it to her anyway. If you are far enough apart you should not have this to worry about.

take care...

imtswife, how are you doing?

hey em,

things are good. have update in other forum in backroom. god has been good. how about you. how come a new name. is all still okay with you. give me update sometime. nicwe to see ya again.


madonna, i think people are so differant its hard to say how friends and family will respond. i am lucky our did ok, my mom was hurt, hurt for me to have to go through all this drama and pain. we have a close church family we have shared this with, and we look forward to the day we can take oc for all to see.

i adore oc and look at him as tho he were mine. i already have strong feelings for him yet ive only seen him a few times for short periods of time. it almost feels the same as being a grandma for me. i get to alove and spoil him but the job of raising him isnt mine. i get all the fun parts. same as with my grandkids. yet i feel motherly towards him.

goodluck girl, were all here for ya

M,

My kids were 11, 5, and 1 when we told them 3 years ago they were meeting 5yo half-sibling that week and what that means. (the older two already knew it takes a man and woman to make a baby, but you may want to leave that out at first). We've told them that it was wrong of Daddy to be with another lady while married to Mommy, that grownups sometimes make mistakes, but it was no fault of any child, and that the adults worked everything out.

Don't talk too much at once, and allow time for questions. Our kids acted like normal playmates and have become very close with OC.

Children under 12 need security more than anything; just give them the sense their little world is safe; if they sense anything is wrong, they will blame themselves unless told otherwise.

We did not tell them until I was prepared for OC to be public knowledge; because I was NOT want my children to feel ashamed for something that wasn't their fault! As they've grown, we've discussed it several times, according to what they were ready to hear and what impressions I want them to have. It's okay to leave out what they aren't ready for and keep it simple. Important not to use children as your confidant, vent or spy, and don't lie to them or ask them to lie to others.

Most people I meet casually (when we have OC or they hear about OC) think we're a re-married "blended" family, and usually that's fine with me. I don't have to explain everything to everyone all the time, kwim? It is never the drama for kids that it is for adults, and most adults don't inquire into it, either. Think what you want to say if they do. Protect your privacy when you want to. You don't "owe" anyone an explanation.

What OC calls you develops between you two. Some opt for "mama yourname", but some birthmoms/xow are offended by that. Other stepmoms prefer "Ms/Mrs. your name" or just "your name", and sometimes OC gives you a "pet" name. My OC calls us both "mom" and xow is okay with that.

I hope that's helpful to you. Write me anytime and best wishes through this transition. It sounds like you guys are doing great! Congradulations!

J
married 20years

What OC calls you develops between you two. Some opt for "mama yourname", but some birthmoms/xow are offended by that. Other stepmoms prefer "Ms/Mrs. your name" or just "your name", and sometimes OC gives you a "pet" name. My OC calls us both "mom" and xow is okay with that.
This is what Jenny posted to you on your old thread. Wisdom at its finest. Hope the recovery is going well.