I'm just going to get to the point as it's late. H and I have been married 9 1/2 years, no kids, we both work FT and have built quite a life together. I'm 32 and he's 31. We both grew up in Christian homes but lived differently. He used to be a partier kind of guy, but after we got married he gave that up. Recently since he's been hanging out with his brothers more...it seems that he's been drinking more. We keep having conversations about how his excessive drinking makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. I don't mind him socially drinking as long as he stays within his limit, which he is very well aware of what his limit is. Well, after having the talk at Christmas time (cause he got drunk at his dad's with his brothers). I told him if he wanted to go back to being a partier to just say so but he said no he didn't. I told him if he wanted a partner who wasn't bothered by the excessive drinking, that he should find someone like the women his brothers have in their lives. Anyway, we had to deal with New Year's. We decided to have something at our house instead of going to his brother's friend's house because of my comfort level with drinking because all these people do is just stand around and get drunk in front of their kids. Well, this didn't seem to make a difference. Tonight we had my brother and his gf over and he exceeded his limit...again. I ended up with a raging headache before midnight and tried to lay down to make it go away, but he was in the living room being loud with our guests. To me, that is disrespectful when you know your wife is upstairs with an awful headache trying to rest. I know Dr. Laura would tell me "What is the suprise? He was this way when you met him." I was young and stupid. I want our marriage to work, but I'm tired of going around and around about the same thing. Saturday, he went snowboarding and then stopped at a bar with his friends and drank before driving home. He should know better than that, he got 2 DUI's in his bachelor days. So, when is enough enough? According to him, I meet his emotional needs. We bought His Needs/Her Needs, but after 3 chapters he quit reading it. We listened to a CD about Marriage that was made by our church and he seemed to agree and understand sacrificial love and what a good husband should do. When it comes to this, he just doesn't seem to want to do the right thing by me. I'm tired right now and there is a part of me that wants to just give up, but there is the other part of me that doesn't want to. I don't know what else to do. It seems as if when he's around people that are drinking...he has to drink too and he just doesn't seem to want to quit when he's reached his limit and if I suggest he's drank too much I get the look that says "You're such a drag". So, should I leave? Should I stick it out and fight some more? I just don't know if I have the strength to keep fighting. This troule started in the first months into our marriage, and I had a break for a while when he committed to being my husband, but this started up again about 4 years ago. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Unfortunately ~ you can not control anyone else...

We can barely control ourselves !!

Hopefully some of the experts will be here to advise you, my only advice, I guess, would be to try Alanon.


Sending my best regards, Carnation

fight with your H?

or

fight for the marriage?

or

fight for your sanity?

God grant me
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference

ask yourself what you are trying to change ... then decide if it is something within your power to change

if it is not
your choice is NOT to "fight"
your choice is one of acceptance

talk to your church authorities
see if they have any appropriate counseling to offer YOU

take YOUR inventory for the next month
withour thought / worry about H's inventory /faults

it begins with self discovery

either you lovingly detatch from H's drinking so there is peace in the home

if that is not the better choice

you make a different change (in yourself)

you will find that until YOU make an authentic personal change (not a threat / ultimatum) ... this situation will continue to worsen

stop placing blame on anyone else for H's drinking

he drinks because he wants to
he stops when he wants to
he choses daily

go to your church
seek help for yourself

the answer is waiting for you after you take these steps

God Bless

Pep

Pepper, so are you suggesting I just sit back and accept the fact that my H doesn't care how what he does makes me feel? Maybe I'm just being critical. It almost sounds as if you suggest that somehow I've enabled him to do this or that it's my fault. I just want him to stop getting plastered every time we go to a party. I don't ask much of him, but I'm tired of dealing with it. I don't blame others for his drinking, I know that he does it because he wants to and that's what hurts me. He chooses to drink too much knowing how it makes me feel. Obviously, nothing I say or do is going to change anything what he does 'cause he doesn't care. So how long to you stay married to someone who doesn't care?

Sara,

He doesn't drink because he doesn't care. Most likely, he drinks because he can't stop. He promises himself he'll only have one or two but once he has those, he tells himself one more is okay and then he is in over his head.

Let's get once thing clear. His drinking is not your fault. However, it seems as if you are trying to control him and the situation by issuing ultimatums. Ultimatums tend to only kick things up a notch. He needs to want to stop and he needs to know he made the choice alone, not because anybody forced him to. Otherwise he is made to feel like a scolded child. We all know what they do - more of the same.

This is a serious issue and I fully understand your concerns. Please try to seperate his drinking from your choice to stay in your marriage. Remember for better or worse? This is worse. I think what Pep means is how are you going to protect yourself while detatching from his behavior?

I would go to Alanon. Anyone who has had 2 DUI's and still drinks and gets behind the wheel is a problem drinker. Adding the fact that alcohol is number 1 in his life, followed by his drinking buddies, and then his wife, it is clear that you need to seek help.

not at all ... I totally understand just where you sit

my H is 11 years sober

been there
suckage is high


not at all
in fact
YOU are one of the people who should NOT be blamed for H's drinking

just as you cannot blame H's drinking buddies for H's choice to get plowed under

you cannot accept that blame yourself

it is 100% his to own



I remember thinking this way ... you want an alcoholic to have "controlled drinking" behaviors .... and sometimes they can ... for awhile ... but it never lasts


I think you should ask MORE of him ...
not less

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


like I said
suckage is high


ummmmm this is not your hurt
he's an alcoholic
he's self-destructing
you are along for the ride
but it is HIS ride
he's driving this along


that's what addicts do, ya know?
it would be the same if it was heroin, or pot, or any other addiction


he does not care about himself
only his addiction


you need AlAnon ... please, please, make that call

I am on your side here ... you just don't know it yet

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If anyone can testify to Alanon it's Pepperband.

I'm only 38 days sober and working the 12 steps of action and my whole life and atittude is changing. You can't 1/2 a$$ the AA program. I began the process while being threatened with divorce and discovering my wifes newly created EA just 2 months old.

She had pretty much gotten over me, had mentally left our relationship a year earlier and was at the spot of tossing me out like one would trash.

Now, only in the past 6-7 days I'm receiving affection from her I have not had in years. I'm also showering her with EN's as much as I can without expecting anything in return . I stay busy with chores and the kids and stop worrying about the EA, what she's thinking, where she is etc. I was lucky enough that in my exposure I guilted the OM into NC through straight talk and morality. I gained allies in my In Laws.

I've accepted that while I can change my drinking problem, I can't change her views of the past or her current feelings and actions. I can only give her positive experiences and leave it at that.

Your H sounds like the same kind of Alcoholic I am. I ALWAYS drank on holidays and any "special" occasion and always seemed to have too much. When I tried to control my drinking I did not enjoy it and was a downer (especially if I totally abstained). If I enjoyed my drinking it was too much. I drank after before skiing and after......BEFORE driving home. These are the times we can drink and not be hassled by DW who KNOWS we drink too much.

He must first and foremost show willingness and openmindedness to admit he's a true alcoholic. Most never will, and end up fighting a control battle for life, always trying to limit drinking to the amount, days, holidays, only after work etc. Sound familiar???

He needs to take the first step and admit, then he can get better only then.

You can benefit from Alanon. He may be offended by it if he believes he's not an alcoholic and that his own show of willpower is going to "cure" his drinking habits. Going to Alanon shows your seriousness.

I wish you the best in this effort. I'm proof that it can change. Each alcoholic must hit bottom somehow in order to seek true help outside his own brain. My wife brought the bottom to me as I was a functioning alky. I had a good job, house, cars, income, home kids, and pretty much kept my responsibilities in check. But, I was seriously mentally sick with alcoholism. I was spirtiually sick beyond belief. I still am, but this is getting better as I work on myself.

Kicking me out and threatening legal separation was my bottom. I'm glad she brought it to me.

When you do go, you will leave there with hope instead of the dispair you have today, regardless of what H does. You will find people who truly understand what you are going through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He does care, but he only cares about drinking and getting you off his back so he can drink in peace.

Nothing you do or say has changed that, because you aren't doing or saying the RIGHT THING. Unless there are some CONSEQUENCES, you can be easily blown off. Alcoholics only respond to CONSEQUENCES. Talk is CHEAP to us! Words without consequences are like bringing a pea shooter to take down a gorilla. Even the dumbest alcoholic can work a spouse whose words never carry any teeth.

I had my last drink on April 23, 1985 because my husband finally said some MAGIC WORDS instead of blah, blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, whine. He said on that day:

AA OR THE HIGHWAY. Stop drinking TODAY or get out. I will put your [censored] on the bus to your mothers in Texas.

BINGO!! MAGIC WORDS!!

That was my LAST DRINK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As long as he is ALLOWED to work you and get away with it, HE WILL. GO to Alanon!

lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all for your wisdom and sharing your experiences. I've never thought of him as an alcoholic because he doesn't always drink too much. I can count 4 times in the last 12 months that he did drink too much, but he is learning the consequences. He was dealt a serious blow yesterday with finding out that because he got 2 DUI's 11 years ago when he was a stupid partying kid...he is unable to join the Air National Guard like he's wanted to. He is seriously bummed about that. I'm trying to take things in steps but it is a problem, and I know it will continue to be a problem until it is dealt with. I will check to find a local Alanon group and see when the meetings are. Again, thank you for your help. You all have helped me more than you realize and I will try to keep you updated on how things are going. Thanks again.

http://www.al-anon.org/english.html

Perhaps this link will help you find what you are looking for!

I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Take care!

sarashope...

I have to say that I am not sure what your qualifiers are for "too much" to drink...

I have to say I am not clear on what your "number" of drinks that is acceptable for him...
and what your qualifier for that is...

and I am not sure what the link is between being a Christian and drinking.....

Also it is my opinion and my opinion only that there is the slightest smacking of passive agrressive behavior in inviting friends over for new years eve....and then getting a headache that YOU have to go lay down and leave your guests...

and on top of that you are NOT happy that your husband stays to entertain the guests and not what...come to be with you cause you have a headache..

Did you want your company to leave on new years eve cause you had a headache....? I am curious about what your expectations were about that....

my concern is that our society is very very label drama oriented....

that sometimes we create issues and problems out of minor things....

too much to drink four times in the past 12 months...
what does that look like..

black outs
rages
sickness...etc..
what is your qualifier....

Or is it that you don't like him drinking at all...
(you have the right to not like it...but if it's really not a true issue...then does he not have same right to drink socially....)

I am saying that I can't get grasp about what behaviors you are talking about...
what counts as too much or over his limit for him..
how you know what that is....

does he drive drunk or did he stop after snowboarding and have a beer....etc...

ARK

Ark, it depends on what he's drinking that would classify as "too much", and how he starts behaving. Beers, I would classify too much as any more then 5 bottles. Anything of a more hard liquor would depend on the size of the class and the amount of the alcohol. Usually I can tell when he's had too much by the way he starts to behave. Ya know, slurred speech, being unusually stupid, not being able to do simple math. I'm not sitting back in judgment of my H to pick him apart, if that's what you're implying. It's truly distressing for me. I love him very much. The previous times he's drank too much resulted in vomiting. Once it was so bad that I wasn't sure if I take him to the hospital or not. As for drinking and driving, I don't care if he had 1 beer or 5...it's not safe to have a beer and then drive home. Not only is it not safe but it's expensive. Our state has a .08 limit which people say doesn't take much alcohol to surpass that. I don't care if he drinks as long as he quits before he exceeds his limit.

As for my getting a headache and lying down. Our guests were family, and I didn't start getting a headache until after I had a glass of wine 4 hours after they showed up. We were having a great time. I didn't expect him to take care of me....just to be considerate and not be playing loud music and literally stomping around and singing extremely loud. I'm not being "dramatic" as you sort of imply that I am.

Does that help you grasp what I'm talking about? Like I said, I'm not sure that he really is an alcoholic. I know other posters have indicated that. I just don't know, but like one suggested I need to find a way to detach myself from his drinking so it doesn't hurt me so much. I realize everyone has an opinion, but the bottom line is that his drinking concerns me as his father is an alcoholic and it ripped his family apart. I love him deeper than anyone could imagine, and when he drinks beyond his limit it breaks my heart everytime and it's beginning to happen more often. I'm worried. It's a small problem now, so why should I wait until it becomes a huge problem to address it?

I'm in the same place, my H drinks way too much. He knows he needs to stop and he keeps telling me he's going to but I have not seen it yet. He just found out he's diabetic so he NEEDS to stop drinking and to lose weight. My H drinks everyday. Goes out after work with the "guys" from work. He usually makes 2-3 sometimes 4 stops. He's making his rounds. I'm getting intouch with ALANON today. I need to get stronger for myself.

Then stop.

It's not working is it? Has it improved your marriage or your sitch in any way? The nagging, fighting, voicing your concerns?

Sometimes when we focus on ourselves and not the behavior of others, amazing things happen.

If you could take the focus off of his drinking, where would you put it? What could you focus on then to improve your situation?

There is nothing you can do to control another person's drinking habits. Zip, nada, zilch.

You can get caught up in a nasty dance with that person though, round and round and round and round.

The only thing you can do is decide what you can live with, and then either make the most of it by detaching and becomming the best person you can be, or by leaving.

That's it. It's really very simple once you understand that it is his choice to drink or not, not yours.

I have a girlfriend whose H smokes(ed) pot. She used to do the same thing you are doing with the same results. She was entirely focused on his bad habit...checking his clothes, his breath, etc. She became a police officer in her own home. She was absolutely miserable and her health was failing from all her stress. All her and he did was fight.

Then one day she stopped the focus on his pot habit completely. Never brought it up again. And she started focusing on herself, her home, her job...she became really happy and loving despite his addiction.

He doesn't smoke pot anymore. But that was his choice and he made it only after she detached completely from his pot habit (not him).

Just an idea.

My dad was an acute, chronic alcoholic so I am very sensitive to this area. Heavy drinking would be one of my boundaries for this reason, and I would not put myself through it.


Alcoholism (if he is one) has phases, and if not stopped it is progressive.

You would learn about the disease in Al-Anon, and since it is causing you such concern it is a good idea for you to go. In my opinion.