DW,

You are doing great! Your husband is a lucky man, whether he realizes that or not right now!

Lean on Jesus and stay out of His way. He is working on your husband.

You are doing very well. It is always a huge temptation to just let the WS come back home, and hope for the best. But there are a lot of false recoveries because of this. Better to keep him living separately until there is no contact with the OW.

I do hope that her father will insist on a different school. That will really help.

Time and actions will reveal the sincerity of my H's desire for reconciliation...

Good to see you posting again. How are you and kids doing?

It is unfortunate that your husband is out of the home. I really thought that the MB weekend would help the two of you. He is about to give up a nice life and family for a fantasy. Might be like a midlife crisis. But affairs NEVER last - less than 3% go on to marry, and 75% of them end in divorce in a couple of years. Of course, the affairees always think they will beat the odds.

It is sad to see. In my case, I divorced WH, and OW dumped him just after the divorce was final. Now he is miserable and alone, living on half of what we had together.

DesireWisdom,

It may seem cruel of me to tell you this, but I was in a seminar in my freshman year of college, and one of the women in my class had an affair with the professor. After reading your story, I looked him up. Sure enough, he is married to her, and they have written several books together. That could be your story.

What I have learned, through all the years of conflict since the affair was exposed, is that my values are not necessarily my husband's values. What I had to figure out was what my values were.

I thought he was committed to marriage, and I suppose he was -- he just felt I should be committed to him no matter what he did, and I should accept however he treated me.

Because I was committed to marriage no matter what, and his treatment of me was intolerable, I went down the path of trying to change his behavior. One of the many priests to whom I have told my story said this to me: "He can change. You can't change him."

I want to support you in your Plan B efforts. What matters is what values you hold. Are you willing to accept a man whose disregard for you extends to abuse and infidelity? Are you going to jump into the arms of the next man who comes your way? Are you going to separate and see what he does?

To accept him back now, with only words and no actions, is to go down the path I have been down, thinking I could change his behavior.

I really like the professor I had who ended up divorcing his wife and marrying his affair partner, but his values are far different from mine. I believe that commitment means you care for your spouse. It doesn't mean that you decide that someone else is a better fit for you, you made a mistake in marrying your spouse, and therefore you can toss that person aside.

See what your husband does. If he doesn't come back to you, you are better off without him. If he goes off and marries this woman, who may be after citizenship more than she is in love with your husband, well, all I can say is his marriage could end up like my professor's but he is much more likely to end up like believer's husband.

I tend to think in analogies, and this is an odd one. We bought a new van in 2000. Normally, we buy used vehicles at 20 - 40,000 miles and drive them to 110-120,000. This van was new. About two years ago, we started having a lot of problems with it. I just had a hard time believing it. I kept on asking the dealership if this was typical. After more than a year, we started joking about $600 oil changes. In the summer, I didn't want to have the 75,000 mile tune up, but my husband thought the van had just gone through a bad stretch and should be fine. In the summer, the ABS light went on. We left it on. In November, tie rods could be replaced. We let it go. In December, something else went wrong, we went in, and there was a $3,000 repair estimate for transmission. In the prior two years, we had spent $6,400 on oil changes and repairs on the van and it only had 80,000 miles on it. We went and bought a used van and traded the old van in for $1,000. I am so happy to be rid of that van, and there is absolutely no way I am going to buy another van from the same manufacturer of the old van. No way.

You are now in the stage of massive repair bills and disbelief. I'm in the stage of wondering if a 75,000 mile tune up is worth it but disgusted at having ploughed so much money into an unreliable vehicle. Believer is in the stage of being done with the van and done.done.done.

The stage of disbelief is very unpleasant. Your husband has A LOT to prove to you. It's not you who should be wondering what he is up to. It is he who should be wondering how to get back into your good graces. If all he can do is blame you for his behavior, you are better off skipping the years of disbelief with repair bill after repair bill. If he isn't totally dedicated to cleaning up the huge mess he made, let him be somewhere else.

Cherishing

Hey y'all,

Do ya even remember me?...it feels like forever. I have missed y'all and I thank you ALL so much for your encouragement and advice these last few months. I truly would not have made it to this point without you.

Kudos especially to Mortarman, Cherishing...and most importantly to Believer. You really believe in all these people on the forum and it is a blessing for all those that come in contact with you.

There were days where I felt so depressed and wanted to just completely turn inside and become a walking zombie, but those were the days where I might have posted and you ALL came cheering. It was a wonderful encouragement to stay strong.

So, yes, my husband is now reading the posts, but I am no longer afraid of what he might think. We are (HALLELUJAH!) now on the road to recovery. Finally! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Doubts still...unfortunately, yes...all the lies, deceit and selfishness of the last several months are not easily forgotten...which is why I have waited until now to post--to know for sure that we are indeed on the path. Granted we have just stepped on the path and we still have a long, long road ahead of us, I just wanted to let you all know that we are now on it. He has shown his sincerity in admitting his mistakes, taking full responsibility and is showing that he wants his family back. We are still separated but this has actually helped our recovery. It has allowed me to focus on healing myself and slowly developing trust for my husband again.

We are sooo blessed to have Dr. Harley personally take us under his wing and guide us through this process. I don't think we would be on this road without his guidance... He is absolutely amazing....we are sooooo blessed. Please remember to pray for him and all those behind this website. May God truly bless him abundantly...more than words can ever express.

I kinda read the threads about being addicted to this site...and it is...addicting, but it is addictive because it is getting the help that one needs to survive such trauma....it is like medicine for the wounds, for the hurt that we feel....I am thankful that I no longer need my daily dose....maybe only monthly now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am grateful that I am getting the medicine I need to heal from my husband--no longer wayward husband. I am proud to call my H my FWH and to say that I am proud of him stepping up to the plate proving his love for his wife and children by following Dr. Harley's plan despite his frustration and discomfort. There are many men in this world, many men (and women for that matter) who go astray and become wayward spouses as we all know too well...and only few that stop and become humble enough to become a MAN...and I am so proud now that he is my MAN.

This is encouragement for all those BS's...it took some time...a long 7 months of exposure, numerous ddays and finally jail-time...yup, extreme, but we made it. We finally made it on the road to recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

So, again, thank you all for being there in my time of need. It was a moment of wisdom that God brought me to this site when I desired it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You are all wonderful. May God bless you all tremendously.

Thanks so much,
DesireWisdom

Hey, DW, that's great! I've been wondering about you, so I'm glad you checked in. I'm really happy about your news. I hope the recovery goes well. We'll have to scratch you from the Killer Bee list, though.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Glad to be off it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW, sdguy, have been thinking about you... hilarious sippy cup stuff! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've actually gotta take off now, but I think I might need a dose of y'all later!

DW:

Great News!

Just put one foot in front of the other, and pretty soon the yellow brick opens up....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LG

DW,

It is great to hear that you guys are doing so well. I had no doubt once Dr. Harley got ahold of you two that things would turn around.

As Steve Harley told me once, things will get better as the past moves further away in your rear view mirror. Dont spend too much time looking back...there is nothing there for you two!! The future is what looks good and that is where you both should be concentrating.

Thanks to this website, the Marriage Builders Weekend and the direct intervention of Dr. Harley...you have all the tools you need to have the marriage you both want and need. And to never be at this point ever again!!

You guys were at the same MB weekend as my wife and I. And we had already started recovery before the weekend...but the weekend cemented everything. My wife and I were finally on the same page and had all the tools to make this work. Now, we have a baby on the way...and cant stand to be apart from each other!!

As a BS, I know there will be times when you will look into that rearview mirror and get triggered. But one thing my wife and I have started doing is that we take time to think about a conversation before we have it...especially one that isnt real nice! And we ask ourselves "is this conversation worth it? Do I need to talk about this right now? In this way? Is it worth blowing apart our relationship and how we feel about each other?" It has saved us a lot of heartache by doing this. Now, when something comes up that gets one or both of us upset, we just look at each other for a second...and then say almost together "this aint worth it! Let's stop this discussion now."

You have the best working with you (the Harleys) so there is nothing more that I can offer except encouragement and prayers. And you both have them.

I do seem to remember that you said both of you are Christians. I would suggest that at some point, you have your husband read my link below about the Biblical roles of husbands and wives (you too if you havent already). As your husband re-engages to the marriage, he will also have to take on the leadership role again. But this time...you two will know how to do it right!!

Good luck and keep us posted! And if you have the time, come on here and help some other folks out.