thanks

Chase,

I feel your pain. It is never easy dealing with the emotions of a WS. You have received great advice from those who have gone before you. If you want to continue to save your marriage, I would heed there advice. You are doing the right thing with digging deeper, hiring the PI, and trying to find out what the root problem is.

Sound like you have done the right things to recover your marriage, but I have to agree with everyone else that your wifes emotional needs are being met elsewhere. Have you found out what your wifes emotional needs are? Have you worked on fulfilling her top two or three. If you have been meeting them, then I would definately agree with everyone else that another M is meeting.

Good luck.

chasey - your posts are laced with negativity. You are tired of the bullsh!t of dealing with a W who doesn't engage. You are physically and emotionally weary. You are horribly dissapointed in how things are going.

Know what...every BS (betrayed spouse) that showed up in these forums came in the same way. They all react in about 3 general ways. 1. They find posters here to be cult-like, and cannot believe in the MB philosophy, and are not prepared to do the WORK necessary to save their marriage. 2. The come in, receive a huge amount of heartfelt and genuine advice, buy in to the progam, go to work and begin to make a difference in their lives. 3. They post a couple of times, and find reasons not to continue and vanish, left to their own devices.

The ones who buy in to the MB program, listen to the experienced posters here, and DO the WORK almost always leave as better people, prepared to meet the rest of their lives with an newfound inner strength, and are comfortable in their own skin whether their marriage survives or not. Many people SAVE their marriages. But it all takes time.

You have effectively poo-pooed all the advice you've receive here, and what has changed in your life? Nothing! The very first thing you need to do is adjust your attitude, and stop with the negativity. You can't dig yourself out of a hole with the same shovel that got you there.

Work on YOU... change your attitude a bit and TRUST people here to guide you to a higher plane. This site is nothing short of SINCERE. People here CARE. Are you receiving this from your family and circle of friends? I'd bet not.

Stick around, read some more, listen a bit more, wait on the PI's report, THEN decide what your plan for the rest of your life should be. Fair enough???

SD

Bump to the top

Chasey,

Most people on here are speaking from their own personal experience as well as drawing from the experience of helping countless others in situations very similar to the one you find yourself in.

Your wife not re-engaging in the marriage is, more times than not, found to be that the affair never fully ended, is ongoing (only more secretively, or they are involved in yet another A or EA.

One of my clues that we were in a false recovery was that my H was more critical, negative, blaming me for stupid stuff, and distant; a feeling that he wasn't really with me when we were together. Whereas, when he was ready for real recovery he was very remorseful, willing to do anything, and very attentive.

The fact is that most WS's lie. They lie even when they had previously been honest, trustworthy people before the A.

Maybe letting her know that your patience is waining with her not re-engaging in the marriage or being willing to put in the work needed to recover.

If she is at all receptive to really working on the marriage then you may suggest attending the MB weekend together. Maybe some counseling with the Harley's. OR, working on the Home Study program together (you can order that on this site).

I look forward to hearing what, is any, information your PI finds.

Many or us took the anti-depressants at least for several months during our depressions situationally caused by going through our spouse's A's I took them for about two times (2 different partial years) for about 8 months each . They do help and you do not feel drugged...just more level/clear thinking. Any need for privacy is a huge red flag too. There should be no need for privacy in marriage. A remorseful WS should be an open book.

anti-depressants can take the shroud off your ability to think clearly

I noticed in your first posts on this thread that your thinking is not linear at all

you are all over the place ... emotional twirling is your compass at this time

you need emotional restabilization ... and anti-depressants do that ... they are not "happy pills" ... they are chemical stabilizers for the brain

it is so difficult to develop and follow an intelligent plan when one is depressed ... your concentration level and ability to think 3-4 steps ahead is zilch right now

Pep

Any word from the PI yet, Chasey?

Hi Chasey:

What are the consequences for her behavior? I cannot see any reason for her to treat you better because you put up with it. You have already found out that if she is unhappy she will go out and sleep with other men. She has also learned that no matter how bad she treats you she can expect you to be there for her and she does not need to contribute to the marriage.

I read your posts and boy did it bring back bad memories! A lot of us have been there so I know what you are going thru. I also remember being in the shower and crying. It does not make you feel like much of a man does it?

I like you wanted my XWife to love me. I wanted her to want me sexually and emotionally. And when she did not life was terrible and flat out sucked. I then found out she was sleeping with OM and well that explained a lot.

One thing I did learn through all of this is self-respect. I finally figured out that if I allowed her to treat me like crap then crap is what I got back from her. Some men and women are horrible spouses and are toxic to their partners. Not all men and women are worthy of our love.

Don't beat your self up so much. The reason you are so depressed is because you are with a women that doesn't care. I assume you have something financially going for you since she does not care for you emotionally or physically? My advise to you is be prepared to walk away from this if she does not reciprocate. Do something different because what you were doing is not working. I am not telling you to divorce. I am telling you that you need to start expecting her to meet your needs and treating you with respect.

My marriage ended because my boundary was I would not allow my wife to sleep with OM and be married to me. She knew this before hand and crossed the line anyway. I kind of feel bad for her now even though she treated me with disdain for a 15 years and I allowed it. The weird thing is now she craves for the life she had with me even though when she was in that life she seemed to hate it. I think it is because of the financial aspect but she says that is not true so who knows.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to stand up for yourself. If you can forgive her for the affair that is great but then at least expect her to start participating in the marriage.

Your wife has been abusive to you. Sleeping with other men and ignoring you emotionally and physically. You can't control her but you can control what you are willing to accept. In my case I really did want my XW happy but not at my expense.

In my opinion meet her head on and expect her to start repairing the damage. It sounds like all you think you are is a paycheck to her. I was a paycheck to my wife and I feel much better since I let her go.

Again, I am not saying you must divorce her. But if she is not willing to make amends and start treating you with the love and respect you deserve then she is not worth having as a wife. Again, just my humble opinion.

this is the first time I saw advice on this site that is realistic. I recently came on this site saw a subject matter of sexual desire returning, read the topic and responded with my experience. I was the wife who had the affair, knew what happened to me and voiced my opinion on there for the guy to move on. I was literally attacked for sharing my story and advice, which was that he should move on. Nice to see they are not coming after you or at least not yet. Great advice you gave Chasey.

Good advice IhadEnough. I always hate to see divorce happen but you can't stay marriage that is emotionally abusive and lacking. Stick up for yourself Chasey.