OW is untrustworthy. So is WH. My head is spinning from all the lies.

I will not be signing anything. This letter is signed by him and only him. I figure if its no good then I'm not losing anything. I don't want to have her calling the police as I do have 4 kids and she would. Any ideas as to how to out her without her knowing I did it?

So OW emailed me some more. My H has done nothing but lie to me. I feel sick to my stomach. He was supposed to love me. God how pathetic does that sound? I feel like my world is spinning and I can't stop it. I just wanted us. I just wanted our family. Pictures and laughter the whole thing and over the last few months I was starting to think it was possible again. But what I knew is jjust the tip of the iceberg. My M is such a mess. Is there really hope? It certainly doesn't feel like it. Where can we go from here?

Mel

i don't think OW would be e-mailing you information unless she hoped that it would do exactly what it has....cause major problems between you and your H that may free him up to be with her

don't believe that she doesn't want him

if she didn't, she would just walk away and be done with BOTH of you...no e-mails

i'm sorry for you melly, my H too promised to end the A...and in fact did for 8 months....i couldn't believe that after seeing all of the pain he pu tme through he would do it again...but hestarted seeing the OW again....moved out..and has lived with her for a year now

keep posting so that others here can support you

Again, I would see an attorney. Get a child support agreement at least. Your husband has no intention of stopping the relationship with the OW. He doesn't need to. He knows (after almost a year) that he can continue having sex with both of you.

What will wake him up is the thought of child support for the 4 kids that are DEFINITELY his.

You're right. Shes been emailing all day and i of course have been compelled to respond as I want answers. I know stupid but I am so hurt and feel like I need as much information as possible. My H has seen the hurt and addressed it many times but didn't even try to stop seeing and talking to her. I just can't believe we weren't even worth it to him to try.

She supposedly plans to not talk to him anymore but she is a homewrecker so... I have people checking into a good attorney. I jjust can't believe this is happening. How is this happening? I just wanted us. This is pathetic, right? My H has to be contacting her as she just asked if I was still telling him what we were saying. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if they were working together to free him up.

melly

i hope that you choose to stop reading her e-mails

take control! if you stop responding to her, SHE will start to get angry....she will see that SHE means NOTHING to you, she is NOBODY, she isn't important.....let her believe that you're not worried that your H would choose someone like HER over his wife and family by taking away her POWER TO HURT YOU

right now SHE is WINNING!

don't read her e-mails

you know all that you need to know. your H and this woman ARE having an A

that's all that matters.....don't let her tell you anything else..she's not trying to help you only to hurt you

when you and your H begin to recover...HE can tell you anything else that you feel you need to know

make a plan!!!

post your thoughts and fears here...not to OW

{{{{Mellysue}}}}

I know how terrible you feel. I couldn't believe (still can't) that my wife was able to do what she did and throw her family away.


Yes, there is still hope. I don't know your whole sitch but have the two of you written a no contact letter? If not, he needs to start writting if he wants to save his marriage. I know it doesn't feel like it can be saved, but it can. I always thought that if my W had a A, that would be it. No coming back from that. Yet, here I sit, rebuilding my marriage. I still have the roller coaster of emotions but with time they lessen.

Get your affairs in order to protect yourself but then start working on a plan to safe your marriage. It is difficult but can be done and will be very rewarding. This is going to be one of the toughest things in life that you will have to deal with. If you make it through though, your marriage will be much better.

Take care.

Melly,

I and others want to help you expose this homewrecking wh*re. Let us help you.....

What do you need to do to expose her to the fullest?

Well currently she is asking that this does not get back to her manager. She's pregnant with EX's baby and he wants nothing to do with her so she needs her paycheck. Its funny because her mother cheated on her repeatedly and here she is ruining my family. She is just venting about her EX to me. I'm sure her father wouldn't be happy with like mother like daughter. But I have to be VERY careful. After first dday she flung the word stalker around like it was nothing and I never even contacted her or approached her in anyway. I hope but thats not a plan. My H is willing to make a NC call. Is that the same or are letters better? He is no longer home with us but one of his coworkers who is also friends with OW told her to not talk to me b/c she was hurting my kids. Thats someting, right?

In my opinion, if you are going to expose her, you need to be careful in how you do it. We aren't in high school anymore and the things you say about her could reflect bad you and your character.

I so bad wanted to expose the OM and let all his friends and family know what a back stabbing, lying, manipulative, homewrecker he was and how he continued to pursue my W. Eventhough he was married with child number 4 on the way.

But that would have demeamed my character as a vendictive, hateful, etc person. It is amazing to find out how many people were watching me to see what I did. Because of how I handled it, I built my character and earned even more respect of those who know about my sitch.

My advice, my opion, be careful in what you say and do.

In my opinion, a letter would be better. Especially, if he shared it with you before sending it. You need to let him write it and not criticize what he writes. Doing it this way lets you know that it was actually done and what was said.

This is my feeling too. Especially since I have four kids and she is totally the type to call the cops. He has nowhere to go. I feel so guilty about that. My DD asked a good question today though and I was hoping m/b for some advice. She unfortunately knows all about the sitch and asked how I was going to trust him if I don't know where hes at. At home I can keep tabs but now I got nothing. All I keep thinking is hes going to end up sleeping in his car. Thats awful. I still love him and don't want him in his car.

Can't they just wash over that. Hearing the words is usually more effective. I just can't get over the I told her I cared about her and wanted her to be safe. God how stupid have I been?

Your not being stupid. This is a very difficult and confusing thing to deal with. Emotion run high. When I talked to the OM I had so many things that I wanted to say him. I wanted to cuss him out, tell him off and how I was coming to get him, but I didn't. It was a very brief conversation that left me going, what the heck. I thought I was going to rip him a new one. So, I understand completely. I couldn't remember, did you say that this was an emotional affair, physical affair, or both?

Emotional to my knowledge but he definately made it clear to her that he wanted more. And to me. If he really loved me wouldn't that have stopped this from happening. A book I read says that As don't have anything to do with love but how can that be. I kind of feel like keep your enemies closer, ya know?

Melly,

To men it isn't about "love" only "sex." To women, it isn't about "sex" only "love." (Bovine Excrement)

Men get caught up in things because of a sense of chivalry, sometimes. He may have begun by wanting to "rescue" her, but didn't have a boundary in place to give himself a way out of allowing himself to be "attracted" to her. She likely stroked his ego by thanking him for his help. They worked together, long hours, sometimes alone, often with no customers for hours at a time (I work for the same company, remember?)and shared details of their lives that should not have been shared. That is a basic description of nearly every workplace A that ever happened.

Don't get caught up in the "if he really loved me" routine. It can only lead to disaster.

The BEST way to establish NC is in writing. Better than a letter is a registered letter. Better still is a registered letter delivered by a process server (deputy sheriff, PI, lawyer). Your husband should write this letter, have you read it before he signs it and you should mail it together. The letter should not say anything about what he enjoyed about her, what he hopes for her, how he felt/feels about her or anything about her at all beyond "I will not be seeing you." He should say that he has caused his family, including you, much pain and that he is sorry for that. He should also state that he wishes to work at restoring his relationship with you and that his actions were totally selfish.

A nice twist is to add that he wishes for her to refuse any efforts on his part to break this no contact agreement.(IE; don't answer the phone!)

Still praying for you.

Mark

Okay so plan B-where do I start? This feels so much worse than the first DDay. I found out he told her he had feelings for her and sooo much more. I don't think we'll be okay. Won't I always question what hes doing, where hes at, who hes talking to? Won't suspicion always be just beneath the surface? How do you not get caught up in does he love me especially after finding out the truth. After hearing what he told her and how he really feels about her. EVERYTHING he says sounds hollow and it is taking all the strength I can muster to not break down. To hold it together. My heart is so broken and my hopes shattered. Where do I even begin?

Thank you Mark for your support and everyone else who's posted. I can use all the support I can get-I feel so alone.

Mel

Melly,

IF you can get a verifiable NC, you can still save your M. Plan B may be called for, but maybe not quite yet. If he can make the break and get through the withdrawal he will undergo, things will start to improve.

As for trust, it will come with enough time and enough work on his part. It will be up to him to be transparent enough for you to not have to worry. You have been doing all the work for a while now. Don't give up hope. When he starts working at saving your M, things will improve quickly (for your peace of mind).

If you choose to leave him (or throw him out), you need to have all of the legal ducks in a row for the protection of you and your kids. You may need to proceed in that direction right away, but that doesn't mean you have to go to Plan B yet.

If you can get him to the point of not seeing her/talking to her/texting her all the time, he will start to lose interest in her and with time, he will begin to realize what he has been trying to throw away.

There are no magic bullets. There are no guarantees. There is only the hard work of recovery.

And BTW, try to get past what he says now and recall the better times before all of this happened. That is your H, not this alien WH you've been dealing with for months now.

When you have come to terms with living life without him, that is when it is time to let go, but not before then. Leave no stone unturned in trying to save your M, unless you just can't fight any more. If he starts working too, you don't need to Plan B, but if he's still not willing to work on recovery, lay out what you need to return to the marriage and put it in writing. Be sure that you cover everything you need, but don't set an unattainable standard that no one can reach. You can't make it easy on him with a wishy-washy Plan B letter, but don't kill his hope or your own. Be clear and precise and spell it out so that when he can meet your conditions, there is no doubt on either part that Plan B can end and the real work of recovery can begin.

If you Plan B, make it very, VERY DARK. Have NO contact with him other than through an intermediary (except for emergency issues with the kids.)

And do all that you can to avoid having a revenge affair of your own. It will only multiply the pain. (Notice I said multiply, not add) You are quite vulnerable right now, so guard your heart!

No point in beating a dead horse, so I'll stop now.

FWIW, this latest turn of events actually gives me cause for greater hope than your earlier posts. Now the truth has started to emerge.

It ain't over till it's over...and that's only when YOU say it's over.

Mark

He already moved out or is atleast not staying here. Everytime I think about loving him I think about how he's lied. I have come to terms with the knowledge that life without him is a real possibility. He is emailing me to stay in contact. I don't know if I should be responding or not. He's out so do I just plan B now or wait. I've heard all of his promises before and they all turned out to be lies. I don't know where he stands on NC letter at this point. Is it okay to not want to make a committment to work on us yet from me? I am broken and need to heal. I am soooo lost.

I have NO desire for an A-I don't even think I could. The thought makes me feel guilty.

There are moments when I think we are SO over but there are also times when I think-a life without him? Not ever. I just don't know.

Mel