Yesterday, I realised that I had been divorced for a whole six months. I just looked at the calendar, and there it was - six months of singledom.

I am doing so much better than I was. Just last month, I succumbed to one of my worst Crohn’s flare-ups yet, but I’m well on top of it now. I am determined this year not to let it beat me.

During this flare-up, I was extremely depressed, and considered going back onto ADs. Now I am feeling so much better, I don’t need them at all. Feeling well in myself is now all I need. I can cope with anything that Noddy and Omelette throw at me, as long as have my health.

I have been forced to take Noddy to court because he has failed to respond to virtually anything my solicitor has requested of him regarding his finances. I’m very angry about this, because it will mean that even more money will come out of my eventual settlement. I requested professional mediation with Noddy twice (he wouldn’t talk to me about finances face to face – Omelette wouldn’t let him) and he refused it – twice. My attempts at polite correspondence (by letter) to Noddy were met with snotty responses co-signed by Omelette, so I gave up and began to attempt contact only through our solicitors. When he failed to respond to even this – he refused to disclose his pension details – I had no option but to instruct my solicitor to apply to the court.

What a huge disclosure form I have to fill out! Fortunately, I have next to nothing financially to declare, as I have virtually nothing, so most of the form is not applicable. What is great is that there is a large section in the form where a co-habitant has to declare all their assets – so Omelette has to show me and the court all she has! Ha! I am going for absolutely everything I can, on my solicitor’s advice, but really all I want is the mortgage paid by Noddy, and a decent deal on his pension, as I don’t have one of my own – having never had a career.

Once the finances are sorted out, I fully expect Noddy and Omelette to announce their engagement. I am prepared for this, and really, it’s nothing compared to some of what I’ve gone through, and survived. 2005 was about coming to terms with Noddy leaving me and destroying our family – without a second thought. 2006 was about accepting that Omelette is a part (quite possibly a permanent part) of my children’s lives. I wrestled long and hard with this – thought about leaving the area to avoid her ‘taint’ – but finally concluded that although she is a wretched and appalling individual on many levels, she lives with the father of my kids, and to deny the children access to their father because of her would only harm the kids further.

I received much criticism for ‘accepting’ the Omelette, for not removing my children from her influence. Many thought it cowardly. For myself, I think it is the bravest thing I have ever done. The Omelette is a sad and selfish person, but she doesn’t actually hate my children or make them deliberately miserable when they visit the septic lovenest. I cannot legally keep the children from their father. Therefore, I must accept the situation. I am working well towards that.

2007 will be a year for me – my first year, not of recovery, but of being ‘recovered’. In 2005, I was utterly crushed. In 2006, I began to stop feeling so awful, all of the time. In 2007, I will actually begin to live again and enjoy myself. This I pledge! I am fed up with letting the affair and divorce rule my life – and once the finances are sorted out, it will all be behind me. I am fed up with letting my illness rule my life, too, and I fully intend to have a LOOOONG period of remission this year, and for many years to come!

Some may remember a ‘potential’ relationship I was talking about with an old friend who lives in Spain – G. G and I got together (as well as two people can when they live in separate countries) very soon after my divorce. Almost immediately, I regretted it. He would talk, almost constantly, about how he’d always loved me, how I was his soulmate, how everything would be great when we lived together. Geez. This Christmas, we met up and had a very good talk. I told him I didn’t want to live with him – ever. That we were too different for it to ever work, and I had no intention of inflicting a step parenting situation on my kids with anyone. I told him he had held me on a pedestal for 20 years, and had no idea who I really was, and I likewise didn’t know him. I told him I just wanted to date him, nothing more. I wanted to have fun, with no heaviness whatsoever.

I thought that he might end things after all that, but he said we could try it. That we needed to get to know each other properly. I still don’t think it will work out – we are chalk and cheese in many respects – but I owe us the chance, at least. The relationship with G, worrying about us living together, worrying about the kids, about our differences, was what really brought on my last Crohn’s flare-up. So I seriously needed to calm things down.

I will be 38 next month. My grandmother died last year at the age of 99, so I have hopes that I have much more than half my life still before me. I won’t spend it with Noddy, as I had hoped. But I like the person who is emerging after the initial destruction of the affair. I can live with her, alone if necessary. She’s OK. I like being with her, I have discovered.

I guess what I am saying, is divorce for the BS is not a failure. Not if you tried to save your marriage, even when your WS couldn’t have cared less about it. I tried. I loved him. It wasn’t enough, because he never had any second thoughts about what he did. I genuinely think he never will. This, too, I am coming to accept.

I wish everyone a healthy and happy 2007.

Alph.

Alphin,

Your post was informative but more than that, it was encouraging and I hope those in hurt can come here and read how you survived, not just survived but are thriving in mind and spirit despite what the WS and OP have put you through.

Life is not always fair. In fact it usually isn't but still doing the right thing is healthier than living a lie.

I wish you and your family all the best in not just 2007 but years to come.

Omlette has no hold over you and that will be part of what brings her down. Her crash will be great and you need to make sure you and the children are well out of her way.

Keep the grace, dignity and beauty you have shown us here.

You are right, D is NOT the failure for the BS. Often it provides a new lease on life.

Much Aloha,
L.

Alph, thanks for sharing your journey.

I would have to say IMHO that what you did to accept omlette into your life is probably one of the most selfless things anyone can do, you really put your children first despite the pain and hardship it caused and still causes you. your children are truly blessed to have you. and will undoubtedly come through this ordeal much better off emotionally because of you and only you.
congrats and good luck in 2007

Orchid,

Thank you for your kind words. No, life frequently isn't fair, but I finally realised that it can only be what you make it. This year, I am going to start making it right for me.

fightingback,

The children have been my salvation also - it's amazing what you can go through for their sake, isn't it? And at the end of the day, it's me that tucks them into bed most nights. I wouldn't change that privilege for the world.

A blessed and peaceful new year to you both. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Excellent post Alphin. Moving forward holds many unknown and wonderful opportunities.

Alphin,

You're truly an inspiration.

God Bless!

HL

hopeandpray and Hardlesson,

Thank you very much. Have a great year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.