Hi, I confirmed two days ago that my hubby of a little over a year just recently cheated on me. I am currently a little over 2 months pregnant. I saw an IM from the third party that was a little bothersome to me so I confronted my hubby about who the person is. He said someone he met on the internet, and that nothing is happening. I'm a jealous person by nature and of course I tried to believe but couldn't. I sniffed around and I found a pics of him and the other girl in his cellphone, it seemed like they were out on a date. My world collapsed then. I tried to hide it my pain but of course I couldn't.

I asked my husband again about it again and he would tell me the same thing that its in my head and nothing is happening. I tried to not think about it for the sake of our baby. There were good days and bad days. But it just nags you and drives you crazy. But the worst day was when he confronted me why I was withdrawn and upset. I told him I really feel that he is cheating on me. And he said that he knows I checked his phone. I couldn't lie anymore to that fact, I just wanted to know if he is or not. So i admitted to the fact that I did check his cellphone and found the pics. He finally admitted and said that it only happened recently after he found out I checked his phone. He said nothing was happening like he said and it was just recently that he really did start seeing this other girl. He was pissed off with what I did and thought that since I was thinking it already, why not do it....How could he do that?? Out of spite of what I did , he did this to us....I don't know what I should do. I asked him what will happen now...he said he doesn't know...He just knows that everything will work itself out. He said his future is our baby and that he will never leave me and our baby so I shouldn't think about anything else except taking care of our baby.

I told him I will never ever accept a marriage where there is a third person lurking in the background. I just won't. I will never be happy like that. I told him he needed to cut things off with that girl now. Unfortunately he said at the moment he can't promise me
that. I was and still am devastated. He doesn't know what he's feeling and he's confused. He said he can't say that he loves me 100% anymore. But he will be there for me and our baby because that is his responsibility. For him, his #1 priority is our baby and that should be mine too. I need to be strong and happy for our baby so he/she will grow to be a normal, healthy and happy child.

This is a concept that is hard for me to swallow considering I was cheated on. But I think back and I am at fault too. I never should have snooped around his stuff, that was the ultimate slap to him. I don't know if he will forgive me, I know I can forgive him but only if he will cut things with the other girl. I can never accept a life with my husband knowing he has a mistress out there. he told me we can't fix things in our marriage overnight. I know that. I told him I could give him the time but I told him he needs to come to a decision asap. If he chooses the other girl, I wouldn't know what I would do. My first instinct is to leave him. That pains me, to separate him from his child but I cannot agree to a life like that, sharing my husband with someone else. No way....

Yesterday he was attentive to my needs but I know he is thinking hard about what he will do. He told me not to worry about it anymore, just take care of the baby. He said he hopes that he makes the right decision every single day and he can only think about taking it on one day at a time. That snapped something inside me and I realized I have to make our baby the 1st priority, if I take care of our baby properly hopefully he will return wholeheartedly to me as well. Today he seems more withdrawn from me, not talking to me as much. I know he hasn't seen the girl the past few days but I don't know if they have stopped
text messaging each other. I know yesterday the other girl texted. I saw when his phone light up though I don't know the content of the message. My husband seemed depressed though and told me he needed to be alone. So I left him to rest for awhile. I am trying to be more happy, entertaining myself by watching comedy movies and tv shows I like. But it isn't the same....I wish he will come around soon. I don't know what I can do to help. I want to put all these behind me but I am scared that he will choose to be with the other girl also. I told him that yesterday and he said that he is here with me. I know he's here with me but it's just not the same.

I guess bottomline is I want him to tell me he loves me and he chooses me and our baby and that he will forgive me for what I did also. Please help shed some light...I really don't know what to do around him anymore. I don't know if I can be affectionate or not. I am one by nature so I have the inclination to touch him and be near him. I just don't know if its welcomed or right at this moment. I don't know how to act. It's hard knowing what happened and that I contributed to it, the one I was trying to prevent in my marriage happened. I still love him very much. I just feel so sad looking at him now struggling as well. I still don't understand why he couldn't say to me that he can completely cut off things with the girl. By nature, he doesn't like to promise because he doesn't want to lie or break his promise. So i understood but I am still hurt. I just want things to be over between them. I don't know what I can do to save our relationship and our
marriage and to make him leave the other girl. I just don't know what to do anymore.

OK.... Here's my best advice -- Regardless of why he started the relationship (and frankly, I don't think he started it AFTER you started snooping around).... he has a choice - You and your baby OR her. It cannot and should not be both. He must write a no contact letter to the OW, show it to you for your approval, and send it. You cannot and should not continue to live in this "limbo world".

Don't apologise for snooping

Whatever contributions you made to the state of your marriage, the affair was not your fault.

Read the links in my signature below - start with Pep's plan A. You need to start doing Plan A.

You need to stand up for yourself. You WH doesn't just get to ponder things over and flip-flop between the two of you. You need to let him know that this OW is unacceptable, and he MUST have NC with her ever again. Put a keylogger on his computer, and demand he write OW a NC letter. If he refuses, you need to expose to anyone and everyone that is in a position to put pressure on the A. Tell his parents, his friends, everybody. Call up the OW and let her know that you are pregnant with his child. He may be lying to her as well. Read SAA. Try and meet his ENs and avoid LBs. Think about what was going wrong in the M before the OW and try and correct that.

One thing that I recommend is renting "The Last Kiss" movie with Zach Braff. Watch it together. It deals with this exact issue, and it really shook up my WW today when we watched it. Your WH wants the best of both worlds, and he'll continue to have it as long as you allow it.

oh and Welcome to MB. We can help you through this.

Thanks guys....Can I still do Plan A in my condition? I am trying to not be sad and emotional for fear it will affect my baby. That's the main argument of my WH too, that I can not think about the A, the OW, etc because its bad for the baby. You know how they say, be happy while you are pregnant so your baby comes out happy, healthy, normal and easy to take care of. I am trying to do that. It is a struggle everyday from the time I wake to the time I sleep.
I am just so confused....I want to be able to do something about us...He is not open to MC, I asked him already. Plan A sounds really promising to me, can I really do this even though he might not be open right now? As of now, I am unclear as to whether the A was only an EA or already is a PA as well....Thanks again for listening.

Don't make it easy for him to carry out the affair. Expose to EVERYONE, and put GPS on his car. If he goes to OW after work and doesn't come home, give him a phone call. Tell him you KNOW he is with OW, but don't tell him how, no matter how much he bullies you into telling him. He can't control himself, so he needs you to help police him. This actually does not hurt the relationship, it just makes WSs angry because they can't get away with things. You are well within your right to spy on your WH.

Preggy..make sure you take care of yourself physically...that baby needs a strong mom right now so get rest and enough exercise and try to relax as much as possible....expose expose expose....Get it out there that this man is cheating on his pregnant wife....Tell everyone...and focus on you...you can still plan a and focus on your health....you and that baby are in my prayers

[color:"red"] [/color] AND NOW FOR A PERSPECTIVE FROM THE OTHER SIDE [color:"black"] [/color]

Preggy,

First of all I want to tell you that you are very welcome here and I know the people on this board will be your lifeline if you let them. There are some really good and wise BSs and FWSs (and I mean "Former" WSs) on this board.

Let me tell you a story. About 6 months after DDay, I went to see my psychiatrist. I told him that my wife found out I had been having cybersex and she found out by looking through the desk drawers in my office for a pen and paper. I believe that's what she really was doing, but it's funny she did that because there were pens and paper galore right in front of her. I basically view that as God blinding her and leading her to the sex addiction book in my desk that lead to the disclosure.

As I told the psychiatrist the story, he kept jumping in and saying "she has the right to look in your drawers, etc." I explained to him that I agreed and was not mad at my wife for being in my desk drawer. I was Grateful that she found the book because that lead me to the point where continuing to cheat hurt more than stopping.

Similarly, I think that you have the right to know everything that your husband is doing. According to the Bible, when man and wife are married, they become ONE. If you and your husband are ONE spiritual person, then in a perfect world, you should know everything he is doing, saying and thinking, just as he should know the same about you. The reality is that, when you get married, you give up your right to privacy in exchange for a person who (theoretically) will always be with you, supporting you and your dreams and someone with whom you are totally safe being EXACTLY who you are. I know that sounds like a dumb thing to say since you now find yourself betrayed and hypocritical of me because I betrayed my wife, but it's the truth.

So, I agree with everything everyone has said. He doesn't have the right to hide anything from you. Even when he and you thought you had the right to hide things from each other, it was an illusion. All you are doing now is meeting your obligation and responsibility to God, yourself, your husband and, in particular, your baby to do all that is within your power to keep the marriage you entered into with solemn vows before God together. I admire you for that.

Besides, when he proved to be hiding information from you, he lost any perceived right to ask for any measure of privacy.

PLEASE DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR SEEKING THE TRUTH. NEVER EVER LET HIM MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE WRONG IN DOING WHATEVER YOU CAN TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE AND SOUL TOGETHER.

Finally, tell your husband the bit about "Well since you are thinking I am cheating, I might as well..." is such a cowardly and chickens**t thing to say, he ought to be ashamed of himself. No real man would ever use that as a pretext to violate his promise to his wife and to God.

I say this because before I actually got involved in cybersex, my wife told me that her family suspected me of cheating. Eventually, I did. It seems to be a pattern with me that when I am accused of doing something wrong, even if I am innocent, I eventually do that of which I am accused. That is a fault in MY character and I recognize that I am responsible for my failure. It's not right, fair or true to blame someone else's suspicions for your own failures. You can tell him that is from someone who has been there, done that and has a whole lot of T-shirts to show for my sins.

Take care of yourself and don't let your husband buffalo you.

Well said Jim....dag, where have you been when I am posting? LOL !!!!!

Jim, thanks for all the advice. I am still so hurt and I have so many unanswered questions still. Would it be alright to ask? I don't know exactly what's going on with him. He still comes home to me and he tells me where he is going. I know he will never leave me and our baby for the OW but the OW could always be in the wing for all I know. Sad to say the OW is so young and impressionable and apparently loves him too. Bloody ******.....I feel like screaming and shouting but I can't. I am so pissed he allowed this to happen. I want to tell him so but I have to stop myself since its a LB. I really don't know what to do anymore. I think I need some time to absorb everything and keep calm, I am still having a hard time keeping peace in my soul. I wasn't thinking of exposing yet at first coz I feel so ashamed too, I dunno why. I dont want people to look at me so pitifully. My parents, his parents, relatives will be so disappointed. He said he doesn't care if I tell people, he's ready to accept that everyone will think it's his fault. After your last message, I'm thinking now that maybe I should expose him after all. I just don't know if I'm ready to do it like this second. Would it be okay to wait for a few days? But in the meantime I can implement plan A?

Hoping68, thanks for your words of encouragement, really helps.

Expose today. He's trying to use reverse psychology to keep you from exposing. Exposure works best if he doesn't have time to preempt you. Contact the OW. Chances are she doesn't even know you are pregnant. If she is young and impressionable, I'm sure her parents might have some sway with her if you expose to them. You need to find out who the OW is (this might involve having your friends and family help out with this and support you), and expose to everyone on her side as well. Maybe exposure will not phase your WH, but OW might feel the pressure. There is nothing to feel ashamed about. YOUR WH is the one who should feel ashamed. Exposure is vital if you want to save your M. That is what you want, isn't it?

Preggy:

One of the things that I am convinced has done significant harm to my wife other than having a super-sensitive self-centered husband with virtually no self-esteem is that she is now holding things in.

On numerous occasions, I have asked her why she just won’t tell me what she thinks and she says she can’t. She can’t because she is afraid I will get totally depressed and decide life is not worth living. To be honest, she has a valid argument in that I have lived all of my life in a more or less depressive state because of a mild form of depression and my uncle (when I was 12) and my mother (last May) committed suicide. I am at high risk to do something stupid. I know the effect it had on me and I will not do it, but her fear is well founded. Also, considering I was the only person she ever completely trusted and then I ripped her heart out, I can’t blame her for not wanting to talk to me, but she has been given permission to lambaste me if it will help her get some of the feelings out that are obviously causing physical harm to her. I would rather feel like a horrendous person, get totally depressed, want to die and then get over it than see her so badly physically harmed.

I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist, but it seems to me that you have to be able to get your feelings out. If nothing else, you should journal. I wrote my wife books full of stuff in the first three or four months after DDay. I think you should find some way of telling your husband exactly what you think of what is going on and how angry, hurt and scared you are. I think you should not wait on the exposure since everyday that goes by without him feeling the consequences of his betrayal is one more day the fantasy is validated in his mind. It’s also one more day you have to suffer in silence and not have the support you need from your family.

You are worth way too much to let his evil (not saying he is evil, just the actions) to cause you so much pain without letting him and others know the exact nature and effect of his sin. And it is a dirty black sin. You need to take care of yourself and baby first. If that means he gets exposed and shamed, the fact is he is already shamed – by himself, and you have no part in causing his problems that arise from exposure of the affair. I know you probably do because of how my wife felt, but YOU have no reason for embarrassment or shame. You probably need to make changes yourself, which it sounds like you are working on, but whatever you contributed to marital difficulties, the affair is totally on him. You actually are the one in this situation who deserves the admiration of your friends and family for 1) being the faithful spouse and 2) wanting to save your marriage in spite of all your pain.

One final thing. Take what I say with a few grains of salt. I believe it, but the fact is I haven’t read or practiced all the things the other good folks on this board have and I want you to have the best help. Listen to their advice and you will be glad you did.

If I have said anything that’s wrong based on everyone else’s experience, please, whoever feels that way, say something so Preggy gets the right advice.

God bless you in every way Preggy.

I keep thinking of ways to respond to your post. My FWW got pregnant about 6mo into recovery. It has not been easy, and i have felt like have had to post-pone or shortchange my recovery because of it.

The one thing i will say is that don't be ashamed to ask for something. Haveing access to eachothers emails, voicemail, and cell phones, is part of what it means to be married. While you may have to be the one that pushes, he is the one that has to break down and rebuild trust in you.

NC is Key!!!!! Your right that no M should have a third person lerking. Again No Contact is KEY!!!! Assist on it, put pressure to make sure it happens. As long as contact is happening he is STILL in an A. If he does stop contact, he may fall into a depressed withdrawl, I can't help with that one, but from what i understand is that they do get over it. If he contiues contact consider leaving him, your baby is too important to deal with a selfish H too.

BTY, Congradulations on the Baby. I hate haveing to deal with the A because it takes away from my expierence of becoming a new Dad. But I am still very happy. My W just started her 3rd trymester, and we just found out that we are going to most likely have a girl.

Make sure to check out ivillage.com. They have a really good pregnancy calendar, some nice informaition, and forums for you to post to.

-bj

hi BJ, Hi jim...Last night was a breakthough night I could say, I was able to let everything out, and I was able to get answers, honest answers to my questions. I am proud of say that I kept calm through it. I didn't get emotional or cry. I tried to not do things that would be LBs. One of the things that I am glad that came out was about the needs that he found I neglected to meet. At least with those ENs in mind, I could start Plan A today.

As for exposure, I told my bestfriend today what happened. She is the only person who knows right now. I'm having second thoughts about exposure as I am sure this will only make things harder for my WH, not that I don't want to make things hard. But making it hard I'm afraid will push him away further from me. I know how his parents and my parents will react to all this and it would not be the typical way as they have very strict conservative values.

As for NC, he doesn't want to promise that coz he's afraid of relapsing and that's the last thing he wants. He said he needs to figure things out coz right now he doesn't know anything. He said me and OW combined would make the perfect girl. He still loves me but its not 100% or else he wouldn't have cheated. I can sense he's remorseful. And he told me not to push him. He will try to come to a resolution about his feelings soon and when that time comes that he chooses me, NC for him would be easier to follow through. So I am thinking that exposure for me probably would come in if he decides otherwise, which I am praying and hoping he doesn't. I have to believe at the very core of his being, he still feels I am still the one for him. In the meantime, I will implement PLAN A. Wish me luck....will keep you posted on what happens.

BTW, thanks guys for all the help. I'm really glad you replied.

NO, NO, NO!!!

EXPOSE NOW!! He is just stringing you along, trying to get you off his back right now. If he wanted to stay with you he would agree to NC. You need to expose now BEFORE he develops STRONGER feelings for this OW. He is placating you right now, telling you all the right things, but not agreeing to end his affair. He is manipulating you so that he can continue his A, and avoid exposure. EXPOSE NOW, and you will kill the A. Don't let it get any further. This is typical WH script. I PROMISE YOU, it will not end until there is NC. As long as there is contact, the A will continue and get MUCH WORSE.

EXPOSE TO HIS FAMILY TODAY! Contact OW and let her know that your H is married and expecting a child. This is your best chance to save your M. Yeah, he'll be pissed as ******, but just stay out of his way for a few days and he'll calm back down. The more pissed off he is, the more effective exposure is. Tell him you consulted a MC and they told you to expose. Explain that you aren't trying to hurt him, just trying to save your M.

Preggy, he doesn't need to come to a decision, he has everything he wants RIGHT NOW. With you willing to tolerate anything and everything, this can go on for years. He has no motivation to drop the OW because you will tolerate her presence. No man in his right mind would give up having two women meeting his needs unless he had to. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

If you have parents (yours and his) that would DISAPPROVE and CONFRONT him about his horrible actions, you have an enormously powerful tool that will make him STOP HIS HORRIBLE ACTIONS!
Also find out what you can about OW, and expose her too, to her parents or boyfriend or employer.

Nobody wants their dirty little secrets exposed. Exposing them makes them STOP.

Preggy, you need to take action instead of allowing a man who is out of his mind make decisions about your (and your baby's) lives. He can't make good choices now, he's as foggy as can be!

ML,

Thanks for stopping by. We need a woman's perspective to help preggy out.

If you were my daughter (I am 57 years old)
this is what I would want to do for you
I would move my pregnant daughter INTO my home so I could take care of her
I would create a barrier of safety and protection around my unborn grandchild

there is a deffinite possibility that this young OW feels she is in competition with you ... and you are pregnant ... guess what may happen next?

SHE becomes pregnant ...

this is not as far-fetched as you think !!!

Call your family
tell them ALL about your crisis
ASK for a safe place to live while that baby grows inside of you

stress can cause bad things to happen

please

get away right now

you cannot stop the affairees ... from being cruel and irresponsible

but it is your responsibility to keep your unborn away from cruelty and stress

get thee to a relative's home

please

Pep