I am furious. My husband of three years has turned around and said that he doesnt want me wearing skirts and sleeveless clothes because his friends wives dont. I have put my foot down and said I will dress the way I want to. I am disgusted and feel trapped. What should I do?

Is conservative dress a common practice in your religion?

conservative dress is not common... I live in AUstralia, and no one gives a hoot the way you dress... its just coz his friends are more conservative then my friends and family....

Have you read the information on this site about the Policy of Joint Agreement?

hi kinjal....
i have also come across this issue... my H didn't have a problem with the way i dressed (which is quite conservative) until we got married... i was no longer allowed to wear certain panties or any shirts that buttoned below my neckline... oh, and the jeans i wore (low rise) were no longer allowed... he is trying to control you... do NOT let him do this.. my H is now in counseling trying to get rid of all the demons that are corrupting our marriage... he is most likely afraid that you are going to be attractive to another man and you won't be happy with JUST him anymore... atleast, this is what i found through counseling... i have begun to wear my clothes the way that i want.. and he will have to like it ... we are who we are... do not change for someone unless it is something that YOU want to do... do not let him control you...

Hi kinjal,

I was wondering,did you wear skirts and sleeveless shirts before you got married and in the last 3 years? Is this some new "requirement" of your husband(H)? Are the clothes at least tasteful,so to speak? In other words,the skirt isn't up around your hips? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would say that it is your right to dress how you like as long as it isn't drawing a lot of bad attention to yourself.For example,wearing a micromini skirt to a parent teacher conference or in the workplace,at a bar,etc.I think the idea that just because so and so isn't doing X, then you shouldn't either,isn't fair.I don't subscribe to that way of thinking.It is controlling.

Also,POJA,Policy of Joint Agreement,is applicable in some areas but it's one of several areas I have trouble with on this site.I think it allows other's to control way too much of your own personality and how you live because if your spouse doesn't like it/agree with it, then you just aren't supposed to do it..I think it gives away much of your own independence in many circumstances.Compromise can be difficult to come by.

If I were you,I would calmly talk with your H and discuss what is really bothering him about your clothing or if there really is some underlying issue.Afterall,skirts and sleeveless tops are a staple in many women's closets.Being asked not to wear them,well,you might as well ask a man not to ever wear a shirt and tie.


Good luck.

Kinjal:

The POJA works here.

But, what you want to wear has a greater bearing in the Joint Agreement. Hey, they are your clothes.

The real issue is why. And if your H can not articulate WHY, then you do not get the free pass to do what you want, you keep working the issue until you get to some sort of agreement that is acceptable to both. And your husband is not entitled to the "neighbors" defense. There is a reason why he is asking, and you need to respect that. And you need to work with him to find out what it is. Anger on your part will never get you there. He may be uncomfortable with the clothing you wear and how you act in it. He may have had other male friends say things to him that scare him. You need to find out what it is.

If you only feel that it is another action on his part to "contol you" than that is a whole other issue.

Let me give you an example:

14 months after dday, my wife is looking good and feeling great. Temperment is fantastic and she is getting a lot of compliments from folks, how much better she looks, etc.

What does LG do? Tell her I do not like how her hair looks.

She is pi$$ed. Very angry, "How could you!, etc. It's my hair...

During the MB Weekend, Dr Harley said that if your Husband doesn't like your hairstyle, wear it in a manner that is more pleasing to him. If it is losing you Love Bank Units, why not?

Needless to say, she was still very angry about this. But I did not like it, and I told her why. Although it was supposed to be "flirty and fun" it just looked dissheveled (sp?)to me, like you showered, toweled it, and off she went.

She asked me "Well, what would you like it to look like?" And she brought home several hairstyle magazines, and I went through and marked 10-15 that I liked. We discussed the several styles and then WE went to the hairdresser and she changed it one we had agreed on. AND this style is alot more work each morning, and the hairdresser bills are frightful, but I will pay them, and she has the morning routine now down to about 6-7 minutes for the hair and about the same for makeup.

It has been four months...

And she gets even more compliments now. She even complimented me this morning for making her move on this.

And she looked fabulous last night, and I told her that.

Did I change her very being? No.

Did I try to Control her? Yeah right!

Did we work to a solution, that was painful at first for her? Yes.

Did I sleep on the couch for a night because of this? Not actually, but in a sense I did.

And if was not really working for her? We would work on a new solution.

That is the spirit of POJA. Today may not bring the answer, but working the problem, and looking for agreement were it is available and proposing other alternatives until an answer can be found.

it's none of his concern what you wear. he can give his opinion but he he tells you that you cant wear something he is trying to control you he need help and if he doesn't get it it will get a lot worse so stop it dead in it's tracks before it effects your relationship anymore

I think you are better off listening to lousygolfer. He is following Dr. Harley's principles, and in the few situations my ex would follow them and we worked together things got better. It was when he refused to that we ended up divorced even after 2yrs of counseling - IC and MC.

Even if you feel p-od, don't let your emotions control your decisions. Stop an use the logic before acting. Work with your h. Of course you do realize that the POJA does NOT require you to do something that you do not want to do, only to work together until the two of you can find something that works for you BOTH.

How about dressing more conservatively around his friends and family, but wear what you want the rest of the time?

I live is Australia too, but I think the POJA still works. Also, many men have a need for an attractive spouse. If he feels uncomfortable with the way you dress this will make you appear less attractive to him.

Looking at this the other way, you wouldn't like it if he wore an old singlet, shorts and thongs to a nice restaurant.

I don't think you need to dress like a nun, but surely there is some room to work out an agreement on this.