I have explained to my husband the concept of the whole emotional needs thing and he still refuses to meet any of them.

I have asked him why it is so hard for him to show me affection. He says I need too much and I just need to get over it. I explain that in order for us to have a lasting marriage we need to try to meet these needs. We took the emotional needs questionarrie and he still thinks I am asking too much.

I am not sure why he REFUSES. I meet ALL the needs he asks for and I point out "Honey, don't I make you happy by doing all the little things you want?" His answer is yes. So why cant you do the little things I ask for like calling me.

He thinks he should only have to call me 2-3 times a WEEK??????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Is my husband hopeless?? Should I just prepare myself to live life without MY needs getting met??? I am so unhappy!!!!!

I don't know your story, but if infidelity is not currently involved, this is what you need to do:

Concentrate on meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs. Put your needs on hold for a while, and don't talk to him about it. Once you have made enough deposits into his love bank that he is madly in love with you again, he will try to meet your needs more, and he will be attentive to what you ask from him. You can't force him to meet your needs but you can lead him by example.

Jim,

are you really sure your advice, as well intentioned as i know it is, really will work on ALL people???

I try to go with the assumption that it will work, and if it doesn't after a proven period of time, then we can try something else. For most people the MB principles are tried and true.

just saying, cuz it is not working for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

and the brick wall is starting to really hurt my head.

so what else would you recommend, you can post here or in my "why not me" thread. thanks

Maybe you just don't realize it is working. Sometimes these things just take time. Your spouses LB might be at 90% of the romantic threshold and if you are just at it a little longer, he might just crack and admit to you that he has noticed your changes the entire time. Just ask M2L. He was at it for 7 months and then finally his WW caved in and admitted that she had noticed his changes the entire time. It really is a hero's task to save a M by yourself.

Very often, when someone comes to the Emotional Needs board (where I mostly post) with an infidelity problem, we send them here to General Questions II.

This is the first time I have seen a situation in reverse!

Sariyah, if your situation does not involve infidelity, you might want to repost your message on the Emotional Needs board. We have a lot of people who are dealing with the problem of trying to get their spouse to reciprocate meeting ENs.

In general, the advice given by jmwc95 is good - you need to stop Love Busting and try to meet your husband's ENs. That will hopefully motivate him to meet yours.

One common mistake that a lot of people new to Marriage Builders make is to work on meeting Emotional Needs first. Thus, they will fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and then try to meet needs, and ignore or downplay the Love Busters questionnaire - often because they want to "work on something positive" first. You really need to work on eliminating Love Busters first, before paying much attention to Emotional Needs. This is because one Love Buster can wipe out any goodwill accumulated by meeting Emotional Needs.

It's like this - your love for your husband is like a barrel. Love Busting are holes in that barrel. You can try as hard as you can to fill that barrel with water (i.e. fill your love bank with love units by meeting emotional needs), but as long as those holes are in the bottom of the barrel, it will never fill up.

Yes, infedelity is apart of our situation. I had an affair a year ago and he started an emotional affair last month. We are now on the road to working things out. I am trying my best! Thank you for your advise. I am going to try it all!!! I really want our marriage to make it and it seems like I am the only one putting any effort into it right now.

As far as I kno wmy husband has broken all ties to the OW but I can't be sure. He refuses to allow me to look at anything of his. That is PRIVACY and none of my business.

That is unacceptable. Do not rest until you can prove there is NC. It is not privacy, it is secrecy. Defend your marital boundaries. Secrecy is not allowed. If he does not agree to be O&H, continue to snoop. Don't apologize. Just say, I wish you wouldn't have to make me do this.

Funny I asked my husband several times was he SURE he wanted me to fill out the EN questions, he never really was prepared for my final answer. Talk about a ton of bricks! For both of us! Turns out the only person meeting ANY of my emotional needs was my 5 year old son. (no you read that right) I have had FEW friends in my life & it never really hit home to my husband until I filled out the questionaire. He still has a hard time filling all my needs (which is why it was easy for someone else to do so) but it's easier for him to see that he's the only one that is able to (& in the case of om should be) fill them & he's not really present in our lives (he left for a year & the boys didn't notice) On the otherhand, I DID have a complete breakdown when the only source feeding my needs left the picture. Made it quite a ripe situation for an a on my part, I became quite ill with no one knowing or caring for me or my kids or anything else in my life. Made it quite easy for om & I to cross lines we probably never would have ventured over in the first place. yikes! I'm not sure if my venting will do you any good but if your spouses will understand what can happen if the needs are neglected you're probably in good shape. Better then some people. I agree with the previous poster, if meeting his needs helps meet some of yours then so be it, use it as your outlet if you have to. But for god's sake don't keep it all in yourself, you'll explode. (implode actually) but let him see that the MBers stuff really DOES work, if they truly love you, you just need time.......to give them time....to....well you get the picture.

Jim, i sure would love to believe what you are saying might just be the case. that maybe it really is working.

sometimes i see good signs, i do.

just so much of the time i see distance.

thanks for the pep talk.

CC, you make a great point about love busters. i wonder what DH would say about how often i do things that upset him. maybe that is what i should be looking at more...

I snoop no matter what he says. HIS BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS! All this started over the internet and I can't take away the computer because I need it for work reason! What am I supposed to do. I asked if we could change our cell numbers, home number and a few other things and he says there is no need he is not talking to her so just trust him!

TRUST HIM?!?!?! How can I after he LIED numerous times. I can't fight the feeling that something is going on. What if I continue to snoop and find nothing just for him to be mad at me for snooping?

I am so lost and confused and he does nothing to help calm my fears that it is still going on. I ask him about it and he tells me just get over it, it is in the past! UGH!!!!

If he refuses, call up the company and change the numbers yourself. You are only a victim if you allow yourself to be. He'll respect you if you do this on your own.

Respect me??? HA my husband would be FURIOUS if I did that without his consent. He thinks I am crazy as it is. going through his stuff and all. He thinks I have totally lost my mind. He refuses to read any of this stuff with me. Thinks it is a waste of time we are doing fine. HE is doing fine, me on the other hand. IM NOT!!!!!

I got furious at my parents when they grounded me, but I learned to respect them. Don't be a pushover. Your WH is in the fog right now. Your M can survive your WH's anger, but it cannot survive and ongoing A. Kill the A, and you can save your M.

He does act like a child most of the time! I am just afraid to push him over edge and lose him!

If you are going to lose him, it will be to the OW, so don't let it happen.

Most people think that WSs have affairs because they fell out of love with their BS. Sometime WSs fall out of love with their BS because they are having an affair. They don't mean for it to happen, they just get caught up in the excitement, and they don't know how to get themselves out of the situation. You need to help get him out of this situation. Stand your ground and don't take no for an answer. I promise you that taking this stance will not cause you to lose your husband. If he does leave, it was probably because he was just going to continue this relationship behind your back if you didn't take this stance. An affair is like cancer, the earlier you get to it and start treating it, the better your chances for recovery.

I caught this A before anything happened. I am 100% positive of that. It just started and about 2 weeks after he met this girl online I found out. I started questioning him about it but had no proof until 2 weeks later. I am just afraid he might try to continue this relationship. I am afraid to stand up to him. I guess I would rather him leave me than let this continue.

There you go, now that is the thinking!

He likely won't leave his wife for a girl he's known a couple weeks. Well, if you let him continue to do what he is doing and have an affair with her for several months, then the probability of him leaving increases. He may threaten to leave you and actually take some steps to do so, but it is usually a bluff to get you to back off and let them continue the affair.

Let me tell you a story. I found out my WW's EA was a PA on 11/3 and I exposed that very day. When she found out the next day, she told me that I killed whatever chance we had at reconciling by exposing her. She was FURIOUS! She even set up an appointment with a lawyer right in front of me. Well, I continued to stand up for myself, and on 11/8 separated our finances and let her know that she needed to pay for her phone, health and car insurance, and living expenses. She ended the A that day.

UGH!! I asked him if he was having an affair one night (before I found proof) and he said he thinks we need time to be apart and just think. I think I did the wrong thing by begging for him back?