Don't beg, just stand your ground. Tell him you are not giving up on your M, and you will defend your marital boundaries. "Space" to have an affair is not acceptable. If it is a battle of wills, eventually yours will win out, especially if you use exposure to ruin the fantasy of his A.

EXPOSE TODAY!

Okay, let's say he isnt having an A and he cut all ties with OW! Why wouldn't my husband want to go through this stuff with me and figure out how to save our marriage. I guess that is the reason I think he is still in contact with her. He is just TOO stubborn right now and it is not like him. What is my next step here? I just want my needs met(since I already meet his)! How do I get him to be more involved with US?

It will take some time of plan A to convince your WH that he can be happy with you again. Once he thinks he can be happy with you again, he will start working on the M. I'm sorry I don't have any better answer than that. It is at least a several month timeframe for that to happen.

My husband works nights and we NEVER spend time together I think this might be the problem with our whole marriage. He has always worked nights and for the last 8 years we have had opposite schedules.

When I am at work he is home alone, when he gets home from work, I am asleep which gives him the freedom to do whatever he wants and talk to whom every he wants.

My husband is on vacation this week and I thought things were going to be good while he was home. All he does is gripe and yell and seems to ALWAYS be in a bad mood. How do I get him out of this. The only time my husband talks to me is when he wants to get intimate. Afterwards he gets up and does his own thing again. I feel so used.

If I stop being intimate with him I know he will continue his A! He has told me that is why he did it in the first place. I just can't continue to feel like a street walker!!!!

sari,

You said
I think one of your problems is that of perspective. You feel that him being home without you gives him "freedom", what it does is deprive him of his partner and wife. You have been doing this for 8 years, which means he is now used to NOT having you in his life. He shares little with you, therefore, he really has little to talk about or share with you.

You are not being used, you are not even in the game at this point. I am not getting on you for the situation, what I am trying to tell you is that the situation is leading to what you now see.

He is telling you he needs to be intimate. He is telling you that he needs someone to talk to. He is telling you he feels he shares little with you. Is having an affair the correct response by him? Absolutely not! However, you are hearing what is missing from the marriage.

Isn't it time you two sat down and started to take each other into account. Yes it is. Will he right now? Probably not, if the A has stopped he is in withdrawal, if it has not, he won't listen.

Time to really read the articles here. Time to really assess how you want to live your life. It is time to consider different jobs on the same schedule.

I must go, but please think about all of this.

God Bless,

JL

sari

my marraige was like yours, my H came home from work early afternoon and was alone until he went to bed. when i came home from work he was asleep.

he started spending his evenings talking to someone who would meet his emotional needs because i wasn't

he SHOULD have told me how lonely he was but he didn't...and i SHOULD have known...but i didn't

we were both wrong.....

it is most likely too late for me to do anything about this. my H now lives with the OW

i really, really love my H and i will never be able to forgive myself for my part in allowing our relationship to get to the point that allowed the affair to happen

but i can't change the past....and i don't think i'll have a chance to saart over with the knowledge that i have from MB

you, on the other hand, are lucky enough to have discoved the major problem in your marraige early enough that there is MUCH hope for saving it

i would share with your H what you told us....that you believe your time apart has allowed both of your needs to go unmet

start from there....plan a NEW relationship...one that allows BOTH of your needs to be met

one or both of you can change jobs or your schedules. it may be tough, it may seem like too much work

if your marraige is worth saving to YOU....do what needs to be done

(i hope that you are able to make the changes that i can't and that you and your H find happiness and can rebuild together...keep posting here...bring your H here if he will come and both ofyou should read SAA, His Needs & Her Needs)

Thank you for all the support and advise here. The problem is my husband has a VERY good job and the hours will ALWAYS be nights. We also have a daughter so working nights for me is just out of the picture. I though about quitting my job but we can't afford it.

I sat down with my husband last night to talk about all this and tried to explain to him about everything I have learned on here and the book i have been reading (Surviving an Affair) He began to yawn and start watching TV.

He told me he just wasnt that type of person to show affection and I need WAY TOO much of it! he said that I married him and I shouldn't make him change. I need to just live with him the way he is or leave!

Maybe he is just not an affectionate person. I ask him to call me a few times a day and he says thats too much he will call me a few times a week! But he sure was able to call OW 400 times in a 2 weeks. WHY??? Why can't he treat me like that.

I just dont get what it is that I am lacking. Why can't he do the few things I am asking him to do in order to save our marriage.

I am a good wife, I listen to everything he has to say about cars, and tools and whatever else he might want to talk about. When I want to talk he has something better to do like watch TV. I am fixing to break every darn TV in the house!

My husband is on vacation this week and I wanted to spend time with him in the evenings like a normal family. He is having nothing to do with it. Maybe I need to open my eyes and realize that he does try, maybe I don't give him enough credit. He does come lay down with me everynight and holds me. (for about 10 mins) then he is off watching TV again. Maybe I do ask too much!

ONCE AGAIN I AM CONFUSED!!!!!

This was most likely the reason your M is failing. What are you going to do to fix it? One of the MB principles is the rule of time which states you should spend at least 15 hours per week ALONE meeting each others' ENs. Even if your schedules don't change, you need to figure out how to accomplish this. Otherwise, your M will not improve. The choice is yours. We can tell you how to save your M, but it is ultimately up to you.

I try to spend as much time with my husband as possible but he says he likes to just be alone sometimes and tells me I am like a puppy dog, I am always right there. I never leave him alone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, he doesn't want to spend much time with you now because he is having an affair. Don't push him too much, but be there and ready to meet his ENs. The more you meet those needs, the more he'll allow you to meet more, the more he'll want to spend time with you, and the more he'll start developing feelings for you again. But you will never get over the hump as long as the OW is still in the picture.

Ok, I had lunch with my husband today and things weren't great. He just seems so distant with me. We talk about the normal things but it just seems so awkward. I am not sure why. He always seem to be so nervous and ready to go ASAP! I think I have a plan!

we did take the EN questionaire and I am going to meet his every need all the time. As far as he know he thinks I am over it all and just want to work on our marriage. He doesn't really know I still think he is talking to the OW.

He wants less affection and more domestic stuff. He insist that I am beautiful. I have put on some where around 80-90 lbs since we met. That is whole lot of women! I am going to start a strict diet, lose some of this weight so I can be attractive again. I am going to start cleaning the whole house and taking care of him like I used to when I didnt work.

I am going to call less and when he does call I will give him all the attention he wants, he is calling me for a reason so I better give him the attention. Maybe if I wasn't needy he would want me more.

Tell what you all think about this idea. I am crazy to give in to him and just about adore him?

I am installing a key logger today, I can't go any further with anything until I know if he is still talking to the OW!!!!

No, that's not crazy, that's called meeting his ENs. Keep it up!

Here is a small update. My mother is my best friend and went to have coffee with her after work today so I could get her opinion about what is going on. We stayed out for a about 2 hours, when I got home my husband had done all the laundry and took it all upstairs. He had fed our daughter, taken down all the Christmas decorations and then told me he had turned on the bath water for me to take a bath and relax. When I got out we sat TOGETHER on the couch and watched TV. I was soaking it up and wondering what the heck is going on. I decided to ask him about the OW.

I asked him if he was still in contact with her and he looked me in the eye and said no. For once I actually believed him! He then proceeded to make me a snack. I am totally loving this I sure hope it can continue this way. He has told me I love you many times tonight. I am so happy. I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up because I can't think that after one night everything is better.

Maybe him and his OW had a spat! I have no idea but I am surely going to take this opporunity to meet his EN's.

Keep your fingers crossed that this continues!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />