I found out that my husband has been viewing porn... I questioned him about it and he said it is normal all men do it....I then started looking more closely at the computer and found he had did searches for male strip clubs in 2 different cities. I questioned him and he said yes he had gone - that his boss liked to go to those places. I am very upset... We have just been married for 3 months and he travels every week. Therefore, I don't trust him and feel uncomfortable with him traveling. Just wondering what he is doing now at night..... He said he didn't tell me because he thought it would upset me but that men do that and it is normal. I would like to hear from men and women - IS THIS NORMAL????? Should I be worried that he is cheating too? I just don't want to be blind in this relationship. Thanks for any advice.

Which is ok - looking at porn or strip clubs multiple choice

watching porn? (100%, 2 Votes)

Total Votes: 2 Voting on this poll ends: 01/31/07 06:11 PM

yeah, it's normal, i guess....and it's pretty common.
but, he was wrong to disrespect you by sneeking and lying and now expecting you to be ok w/ this.
YOU do not have to accept it..you do not have to live w/ lies.

you are a newlywed...
leave him if it truly bothers you.
there are men out there or atleast will be more honest w/ you from the start. your marriage is based on a lie.

I am not sure I understand the poll. There should be different options, like yes or no.

Is viewing porn normal? I guess the best answer to that is to examine how you feel about it. Does he fantasize about it rather than you? Does he spend more time with it than you? Does it bother you that he does?

Early in my dating days, I dated a few girls that were not only ok with it, they would bring it home and watch it themselves without me, then watch it again when I got home. We would talk about it, what we saw, etc. I dated a few girls that it didnt bother that once in a while I read Playboy magazine.

My wife hates it so much I think she has a pathology against it. She calls the people in porn, "creatures" and "things." Of course, she sees even regular movies this way, if the actors take their clothes off. That is a problem for another forum.

In my opinion, porn isn't good, despite what the billions of dollars spent annually on it seem to indicate. It takes away from family and takes away from positive marriage relationships.

The lying is a problem and shows a lack of respect. That definitely needs to be addressed. Once you address your feelings on your husband and porn, then that needs to be addressed.

Sometimes the guys when traveling like to hit the strip clubs. I usually end up having convesations with the strippers about why they do what they do and that they could and should do something else. I'm actually very uncomfortable with the situation of a lap dance.

My wife is OK with it as long as I tell her. She's says "yeah...right on ...go get some titties smooshed in your face!". Baffling.......

There was a time when I watched porn and she did not like it.

I don't use porn much at all anymore, but to answer:
YES....most men do view porn IMO and it does not make us WANT to cheat and I've never seen or heared of anyone taking a stripper home or things like that.

If that's what he's about he'll just find a hooker privately. Going to strip clubs does not make him a cheater.

I'm with decentman on this one. Having a husband that can't get enough out of viewing my body has some issue. There is no need for a married man to be looking at pictures of another naked woman. It is generally humiliating to a woman and makes her feel inadequate. If he can't be understanding and care for her enough to leave it behing then he's an addict. Women DO NOT like to have to try to live up to the images put out in books or the internet and that is what they feel like they have to do. They feel like they have to compete with those women for their husband attention and that is bad for any marriage. If a man goes and pulls it up on the internet because he isn't getting sex then there is a problem somewhere in the marriage that needs the attention he is giving those pictures. It could be that his wife developed an aversion to sex and that can be dealt with and gotten rid of also. Dr, Harley even gives advice (expamples) on how to overcome it.
No woman should have to put up with it. Ever!! All it does with time is cause the man watching it to expect more out of his wife and create an atmosphere that will eventually lead to more problems. I've seen it happen over and over. If the woman asks for it then even though I don't agree with it, that's up to her and her H. If she wants it and he doesn't, then it still needs to go! It's what the two do together that both enjoy that makes a marriage good and makes it last!

If your H is viewing porn more then you think. Ask him. My H has openingly told me he is addicted. Now it wasnt that easy. Took 11 yrs of fighting over it. It was small I used to watch it with him. Then came the "I dont look at it alot" then came me spying on his computer *with many many fights* then came The arugements of me telling him its the porn or me... He always said the porn. Then our last fight over it I asked him one final time.. Me or the Porn..Porn was picked. I stoped the LB stuff. Away the lingure went, candles lit, etc...That was atleast 4 yrs ago. And 5months ago H came clean and told me... I deleted folder after folder of pics and videos... I have 2 hard drives in my possesion that has nothing but pics on there...AND there are a few CDs I have come across that he couldnt find when he came clean...thats ADDICTION...He ALMOST fell back this past weekend. But since then hasnt downloaded anything ... that I know of...

pretty face....I have found about my husbands addiction also. We do not have children and he has never really shown a real interest in me so I am almost at 100% on filing for a divorce. It is not the porn. It is the hiding and the choosing it over me. I am not ugly. I want a relationship with someone who will appreciate me. The biggest relationship problem is what it does to them emotionally. They detach and retreat in there own little world. It becomes a place they stay and it is like you are living with a body with nobody home. I am better off by myself and healthy than living like that.

decentman, I was wondering if youd mind chatting with me a bit..I have read over a few of our posts...I seem to have a few similiar issues as your wife does however not quite to the extreme. I am also a very jealous gal. Cant bear watching movies with nudity in them with my fiance and feel like he is staring at every pretty woman and becomming immensily pissed when he does look (do the typical look up and down the body stare) and I also view porn and the women in the porns as creatures ****** etc.... I would like to ask you a few question as in how does it make you feel when you are out in public? when you do look at a woman do you determine whether she is pretty or not? do you look at women up and down when you are with your wife? if so what are you seeing? How do you feel about the nudity on movies? pictures in magazines? commercials featuring beautiful women etc?
How do you deal with your wives jealousy? Is she attractive? what do you see as the reason she is like this?
Thanks for reading...
:-)

Sounds to me like you are looking for the typical "what's going on in my guy's head?" thing.

I can only speak for myself. I could tell you about compartmentalization but I doubt you would accept that-- though it is VERY true and NOT an excuse. In short though, no, I do not compare porn to girlfriends I've had or the woman I'm with now. They are 2 totally separate things and I like it and plan to keep it that way. Porn is rather "cheap" in my mind and I can't imagine why I'd degrade my girlfriend and want her to be "cheap". No, there is no comparison to even think about.

So rule #1, porn and oogling stands by itself. The guys who don't limit it to a simple make-believe realm and for example believes a stripper is attracted to him tends to be the guys with the true problems and what I'd consider a true sexual addiction because they mix and confuse the purpose of porn and confuse it with love and real emotions.

So, porn can serve as the safe variety medium. I can commit to kissing and making love to just one woman for the rest of my life and make that comittment with satisfaction and enthusiasm. But to limit myself to only see 1 woman naked for the rest of my life, I am not willing to do that. I feel my male instinct would be smothered and that is simply too restrictive for me. Porn is the safe way to do that without cheating. It allows it to remain distant and not real and safe.

Women seem to have an instinct or desire to be "all" and "everything" to a man. Men do not feel that same desire or need to be "everything" to their wife. For example, if conversation is my wife's need and wife enjoys talking to sister and she gets her need met that way, it does not bother me that her world doesn't revolve around me. I do not feel the need to be the provider of all things that she needs. Where-as this desire seems much stronger in women and they feel like failures if for example her husband really enjoys playing golf with his buddy more than he enjoys playing golf with her.

For similar reasons, I think women view porn as a threat because they think that somehow their body alone is not good enough to quench his thirst. Yet, it is not that she lacks anything but rather that his appetite is soo huge and all encompassing that it would wear her out to try and be EVERYTHING sexually to him. It's really a form a self torture when women get in this mode. They are fighting against nature and taking issue with some hard wiring.

If women want to save themselves a ton of grief and arguing and things, I would personally do a few things:

Understand that guys can separate fake from real life. They do not want their life to resemble the fake or feel like their life is less than the fake. Only that it is apples and oranges. Yes, he likes you A TON better and in a deeper, more meaningful, much more permanent way. You are a human being to him. Warm, feminine, with a personality, with wonderful flaws and habits. ASSUME that he think this way about you UNLESS told otherwise such as "why can't you look like one of the girls from porn". In which case you should immediately grow horns and turn life into the worst horror film he's EVER seen.

Don't lay traps for him. Don't ask loaded questions. If he's watching a movie and looks her top to bottom, think "he's a male and it's neat that we have differences and how differently his mind works". **Note. Just because he gets turned on during a movie doesn't mean he's imagining himself having sex with the star**. Note 2. You can not measure the intensity of his arousal by the hardness of his penis. Do not reach over and grab it to find out. It is not a "horny-meter".

Now, I've been to a strip club or two. And now we're getting into real life. The danger meter has just jumped up. I could trust myself or still think the purpse is visual only if I am looking but the moment you start trying to talk to the stripper or lapdances and stuff start coming into the picture, I find that unbelievably unethical. I have never been into the concept of lap dances. I remember going out with some buddies when I was 18 and a friend bought me a lap dance and I flat out told him and the girl that I wasn't interested. That to me is crossing the line from looking into human contact. I would not see it as unreasonable for a wife to dislike and forbit her husband to go to strip clubs and ESPECIALLY to forbit lapdances. Like the other poster said, I have never seen a stripper go home with anyone though so I do think that most of the time it's just tease value and no actual sex takes place. But then again, I've probably been 4x in my entire life so.

For me at least and I dont know if any other women are willing to speak up on this although many of my female friends do,,,this is ENTIRELY what I find disrespectful about it...if a man is Not willing or able to make this commitment then I would much rather he speak up so that I dont get involved with him. I simply see that the sharing of my naked body with him both physically and visually is a unique and beautiful gift....if he is so willing to take that experience anywhere he can find it then to me it becomes worthless in his eyes....Sure he can rave on forever and a day that he seperates it and it means nothing, he loves me etc and all of that may be true but in my eyes he has simply devalued what I share with him and only him....and actions to me as a woman speak WAY louder than words......


To me and some women it seems being the one and only that he sees naked IS IMPORTANT and unfortunately for men who are into porn a woman such as myself is NEVER going to be happy with sharing his sexual attention whether in real life or on paper...I guess at the end of the day both people need to decide what works for them....I must say though that Im pleased to see many women as myself quickly detaching themselves from men who have no issue with viewing porn and finding happiness with the many men who wouldnt waste there time or dream of bothereing with another naked female body when they have beautiful, sexual and willing partners.

To women like myself being in a relationship with a man who uses porn is restructive in that it restricts our attraction to them, the intimacy that can be achieved within the relationship and how special and unique we feel with our partners.

Interesting post, lmjs.
I am willing to speek up and discuss the issue.
I am willing to put myself out there and discuss why I do not find it acceptable for married men to go to strip clubs etc.
I don't like MY husband lusting after other women. period.
THAT is part of the commitment of marriage.
I completely understand that can be difficult, but I feel as though marriage is a relationship where both H and W's need to commit themselves (body and soul) to thier spouse. It is the responsiblity fo each spouse to maintain the commitment and not allow outside influences to corrupt the bond of marriage.

As a woman, I have looked long and hard at my own insecurities when it comes to pornography and strip clubs.

I don't think any man who is not willing to give them up.. YET, IS willing to keep that information from his wife (have his cake and eat it too) is ready for the commitment of marriage.


Personally, I would want to understand the intent of a man wants to marry but is not willing to give up looking at other women naked.......what is it that is so difficult for him to give up?
Is it the idea of giving up the fantasy of being wanted by other women?....the fantasy of being a good lover to other women?

If that is the case, I don't think I want to be married to such a man...I appreciate his honesty but I don't think he is ready for marriage.

I can understand why it wouldn't bother you if your wife is getting her conversation need met by her sister.

would it bother you at all if your W were getting her Admiraation need met by a male co worker...her SF need met by a prostitute?
her AS need met by strippers or...maybe her tennis pro?

I see you are not married, so I am sure those questions will be difficult to answer.

But, if the woman you find to marry you is 100% fine w/ exchanging conversations w/ her sister for you going to strip clubs.....good for you...it's a match made in heaven.

Yes Nia you hit the nail on the head as far as Im concerned...Its a little bit like a woman saying to her husband ....'sure Im prepared to mat=rry you but Im not ready to give up being dated and romanced by other younger more virile men who can 'help' to meet my emotional needs...' just ridiculous...It seems to me no man would agree to this however they are happy to create have this double standard (AND YES THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS)....some men sadly seem to have absolutely no compassion or understanding of women and how we make HUGE sacrifices to bring their children into the world...We basically give up the flawless bodies to bring their babies into the world aso they can lust after women WITHOUT STRETCH MARKS or without SAGS....(even when we work our butts of to stay in shape pregnancy can change a womans body in ways she cant change)....Men who look for excuses to use porn do , I believe know deep inside its wrong and hurtful but their desire to use it and self pleasure is beyond their desire to respect their partners.....Like our counselor said...men dont need porn , its a choice, a choice to put THEIR needs first, regardless of whether it hurts women'.......A man who does this also shows himself not ready for the commitment of marriage.....No ones saying hang them' but it seems a heck of a lot more men should be honest with their partners before marriage so that the woman can make a decision whether she wants to be married to a man who will not be ABLE to be sexually faithful to her and save his sexual attentions for her naked body only.

that's an interesting scenario, LMJS...i wonder if a man would agree to his future W going out to dance clubs and flirting and dancing w/ other men to supplement her high needs for admiration and SF in exchange for him going to strip clubs and using porn to supplement his AS and SF needs.

I suppose if they agreed to that BEFORE marriage....that's a different scenario than keeping it secret and justifying it some other way.
I know a few couples who embraced that type of independent behavior for marriage....... It wasn't long before lies and cover ups and then affairs set in...... none of those marriages lasted very long.

i still think it comes down to intent....If the intent is to get your most important EN's met by someone other than your spouse.....why get married?

Wrong, wrong. It is cheating. How would they feel if we need to go look at other men's penises and have other men rub themselves into us-that is absolutely crazy and imoral. No wonder so many divorces in this country, with strip clubs everywhere.

Hello, CL,

Let me begin by giving you my reasons why she is this way. My reasons have become even more solidified due to a marriage workshop we both attended.

She suffers from low core values, low self-esteem, in a nutshell. These as a result of abusive relationships while growing up and in her other marriages. As a result, she chronically compares herself to other people, judges herself against other people, and is harshly judgemental of others.

Due to being unable to normalize her emotional response, she reacts violently when even the smallest challenge to her low core values presents itself, such as brief nudity in movies, or being around other attractive people.

I do look at other people. I see them as people. I separate the choices they make from the person. All people are born essentially equal in that we are free from bias and judgement. Those are imposed later by our environment, i.e. family, friends, and experiences. If someone is in porn, it is because that is the choice they made, albiet a poor one. I don't have to accept the choice, but I should feel compassion that they chose a poor profession that does not elevate society to be better.

To be perfectly honest, I do consider the attractiveness of the person when out in public. My wife would become furious when I would make eye contact with people at Walmart. In my mind, I was doing this: establishing a human connection, "we are all on this planet together and have to be in contact with each other to survive;" we cannot shutter ourselves into our own lives as we will then lose compassion for others. My wife cannot and does not accept that. Having had multiple affairs of her own, eye contact is the first step in intimacy for her. Within the last few months I have restrained my shopping and my eye contact. I only go where I feel it is confortable for her for me to go, and I resist the habit of looking at people. I do not like this as I compromise my own core values in doing so, and this creates issues (resentment) that hurts us.

I tell my wife that she is beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, vivacious frequently, but compliments fall on deaf ears. She is pretty; was once a model, and was on a few tv shows and movies. But there in again is an example of the issue; that industry perpetuates the myth of beauty, the facade, the standards against which beauty is based.

When we were dating, she got breast enhancedment. She still wants more size, and an additional tummy-tuck. A facade, it is all a facade. "Look at me! Am I pretty enough, yet?" That is what she is saying, instead of being happy with who she is.

And I cannot give her that happiness - no one can. Core values must come from understanding yourself and seeing value in yourself. When that happens no one can take that away from you, regardless of what they do. I can contribute and validate, however.

Lastly, these fellas that think they are in control of their porn are kidding themselves. Their brain is in control, their mammalian brain, their 3-yr old brain, not their rational thinking neocortex brain. Their desire for porn stems from the stimulus they get viewing it and chemicals the brain produces to keep it going. They are addicted. Test yourself: stop viewing it for two months. Do you get cranky, irritable, lose patience? That is because your brain is going through chemical withdrawal, not because your mad at your wife or girlfriend.

Feel free to contact me,

-m