Is it normal for married men to look at porn and attend strip clubs? I recently found out my husband is doing both. I found the porn on the computer then I saw the search for strip clubs. When I questioned him he said this was normal for guys to do - that his boss likes to attend these places. He travels weekly and now I don't trust him. Any words of advice? Is it harmless or should I be upset like I am?

Wow, thought you would get a lot more feedback then that!
All I can tell you is my viewpoint, which isn't worth a lot. My husband had an affair 3 years ago. He blamed it on porn. He had a secret hiding spot build in our house to keep his collection! Sad. I had no clue, until the affair. 3 months ago he finally threw the whole collection away in front of me, but refussed to talk about it. Now three months later, I find out he has been on the internet looking at porn. Even one site, nude personal ads.
I honestly think that porn causes so much harm in our society. It is the reason pedophiles abuse children, why women are raped and why some people kill. I think it breeds the sickness and now I know it ruins marriages. Good luck to you. Stand firm for what you believe in.

Husband and I look at porn and go to clubs together. I told him that if he wants to go to a strip club that is fine, but I am going to one of my own as well. He refuses to go to a strip club without me because he has seen how the male strippers get with their women. Just a thought.

It is cheating. WHy do I want to check out other men's penises, and there is a lot of touching and flirting with the strippers. They are the modern whorehouses. I did not tolerate it while I was dating and made it clear-and would never tolerate while married. If he wants to go to these places he can, but he won't be married to me!
As for porn in the computer, I also think porn is harmful, but I know it is impossible to know whether he is using it or not-he has many computersm lap tops, etc. I just hope he doesn't overdo it, because I think it kills a man's desire for a normal non-airbrushed non-made up woman. No one can live up to those standards. The culture of sex in this country is awful, everything for money. No wonder such a high divorce rate, and no wonder more women are complaining about a man's lack of sexual interest for them than vice-versa.

From a males perspective:

Unfortunately it is all to common. Does that make it right? Not necessarily. What is "right" is dictated by what society says is right. And in today's modern world porn is acceted as the mainstream. This is part of the reason my wife separated from me. She found my collection of porn on our computer. I made no attemt to hide it. Porn was not something we really discussed until she found it. I knew she didn't like it but I viewed it anyways. The people I worked with and the friends I had all said there was nothing wrong with it. I got caught up in the whole "Well if everyone else says it's ok..." But after looking back at who was telling me it was OK I realized how I was wrong. The one person's opinion that mattered most on the subject was ridiculed by me. I disagreed with her. I honored her request but did not agree with her. This did lead to more problems between us and she eventually left me. I eventually looked towards my spiritual background and researched what my religious beliefs had to say on the subject. That was when I discovered how wrong I really was. I now have no desires to look at another woman, real or otherwise, other than my wife. Temptation is ALWAYS there but one must learn to turn from temptation. I am trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild what I should have had in the beginning; a strong, faithful marriage. That will lie on the mercy of my wife.

Good luck. Do what you feel is right. Looking back on my past mistakes I know if I truly loved and RESPECTED my wife I would not have had any need forn porn in my life. It truly does lead to a darker path.

My husbands porn viewing has turned into a sexual addiction. While it is not the root of our problem it does show me how deep our issues run. He had no desire for me no matter how I could meet his needs. He just did not want me period. There is nothing like that kind of rejection in a marriage. I can understand completely why this can happen. Viewing porn shows them perfect women. They can search for and view the very things they like and then act on it knowing how to please themselves far better than anyone else. From a selfish standpoint why would they want to go outside of that.

My problem but in reverse. Yes, I occasionally view porn. I have never stepped foot into a strip club, nor do I buy/watch porn videos. Yes, it is addtictive. In my sitch, my SF needs are not being met and I view porn for the physical release. I need more. There is no intimacy, no emotional connection--I need that from my wife but her needs are not the same. Do I feel guilt? Oh yes. I feel like the lowest worm after I have viewed porn, I also feel like the lowest worm when my SF needs aren't being met. Do I compare my wife to the perfect bodies in porn? To an extent, yes but she is the one I am married to and the one I want to be with.

Nothing wrong with porn as long as you aren't using it *instead of* having sex with your spouse. I think most men use it when the wife is not sexually available, though. Men looking at naked pictures is no different from women reading "romance" novels (read: bodice rippers). True some porn shows perfect bodies, but soap operas show men who do these ridiculously huge romantic gestures that no real man would actually do. Plus, there's always amateur porn, which shows real bodies.

However, strip clubs are different because they DO offer prostitution. They say they don't, but if a guy says he's out of town and spends a lot of money on a particular girl - it's just not that much of a stretch, esp. with the current trend of lap dancing. Of course, if your one of those unusual women who likes to go with your husband that's completely okay.

[quote]Nothing wrong with porn as long as you aren't using it *instead of* having sex with your spouse. I think most men use it when the wife is not sexually available, though. Men looking at naked pictures is no different from women reading "romance" novels (
Sorry but I couldnt disagree more You do realise that around 96% of female porn stars were victims of sexual abuse as children...dont you...This doesnt really out them in a good headspace to make healthy decsions now does it???

You have read the lastest research that has shown exposure to even mild porn reduces a mans perception of the attractiveness of his spouse havent you...Heres a link to get you started.
http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/2007/1881621.htm

I dont see how one could possibly compare the gedradation of women and the destruction of attraction between a husband and wife as 'OK'

that article was interesting....but, i honestly believe it is related more to learned behaviour and acceptance than it is simple biology.
our society accepts...even promotes a mans need for visual stimulation and fantasies about multiple partners....a woman (particularly a married woman) is viewed as permiscuous and slutty if she behaves that way.
that is changing a little bit, but i still think most women feel pressure to be "virtuous" and moral when it comes to sex....and men feel the opposite pressure.

as far as the study goes.....i know I find my H less physically attractive if i spend time looking and lusting after broad shouldered etc.hard bodies..........so, if i base my entire sexual appetite on the visual i am bound to want more.
seems natural to me.

i agree with the first part of what you said, to an extent. i think it's possible for porn to not be a problem, as long as it is not a SUBSTITUTE for intimacy.

however, i strongly disagree with your comparison of porn vs. romance novels. a more accurate comparison would be a woman looking at pictures of her ideal penis and masturbating to that. how would a man feel if his wife idealized LARGE penises and frequently masturbated to pictures of them. would that not make the man in the relationship feel inadequate, the same way it makes women feel inadequate when measuring up to perfect, airbrushed women?

however, i strongly disagree with your comparison of porn vs. romance novels. a more accurate comparison would be a woman looking at pictures of her ideal penis and masturbating to that. how would a man feel if his wife idealized LARGE penises and frequently masturbated to pictures of them. would that not make the man in the relationship feel inadequate, the same way it makes women feel inadequate when measuring up to perfect, airbrushed women?

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i have often heard men try to compare women reading romance novels and watching soap operas to men porn and masturbation. i think it's crap. it assumes women are not even sexual beings, unless they are being used or fantasized about by men.

i have even heard them try to compare home decorating catalogs and shoe stores to porn.... it completely devalues a womans sex drive and make men look like idiots who can not control themselves.

i think statements like this devalue sex and imtimacy.

it assumes men have a greater sex and gives them a green light to feel superior because of that.
it dismissed women as being silly,emotional and romantic.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

One of the best threads I have read on the subject. I true modern phenomena, since porn wasn't as availble as it is now decades ago. I wonder what effect it will have on the younger generation. I have noticed that 12 and 13 year olds have been so exposed to porn in the computer that they are becoming more sexually active earlier. It also becomes mainstream to do certain things (like good family girls setting up webcams).

But the search for profit in the capitalist world will do nothing to stop this..more marriages will dissolve, more people will lose their jobs and more women will feel neglected.

I never realized how bad this issue could be in a marriage until I started reading all the post regarding it on this website. My husband and I watch porn together and he does look at it on his own but I do not feel that he has a "problem" with it. I guess it depends on the man and the marriage. I know my husband is deeply in love with both my heart and my body. I am 30-40 lbs overweight and he is not, so don't think that I have a remotely comparable body to the girls on the web or that he likes fat chicks. There are times that i'm not feeling good about myself and it bothers me a little but I know that if I ask him to stop he would. I guess it has a lot to do with respect. I respect his desire and he respects my boundaries. I NEVER feel compared to those girls. I compare myself to them but he quickly shows me how much he loves my body. Maybe we are unusual. We have a very active sex life and i've never felt like he was "with" someone else while we were making love.
I have complete trust in my H. I don't want him going to strip clubs without me (not that we have ever been) but if he was invited for a bachelor party or something I would trust him. But I do not think it is a place for the guys to just "hang out". The same situation in reverse though, I don't think he would handle very well. He is a very jealous person and only feels comfortable when we are together in any "meat market" situation. I have been to a male strip club before we got together and it really doesn't do much for me. I personally don't find naked men all that attractive. I am not a lesbian but I find a womens naked body much more attractive then a males. It cracks me up how ridiculous women act at these places. They lose all their dignity and class. Maybe i'm the wierd one.
I don't have any answers. I just wanted to say that all people that view porn are not evil. But I do believe everyone has boundaries and anyone that is married should come to a reasonable understanding on respecting each others boundaries. This subject though is such a touchy one. It seems that there isn't any middle ground when you have one that is dead set against watching it. Is there any compromise in that?
I pray for all of you in this situation. It makes me thankful that my marriage is as strong as it is, at least on this subject. I would like to hear a counselors view on this. I'm sure it depends on the counselors opinion on porn in general.
Good luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I posted this on another site over a year ago.

A site that does not have the MB's attitude on relationships.

I stopped posting on that site, because the opinions of the vast majority on there, IMHO were AWFUL.

I was a stripper when I met my hubby. (YES). I had the opportunity to work in porn....

I did not pursue that (other than a small pictorial in a mens mag, I was a single mom, and badly needed the $, and I regret it to this day.)

H gave me an ultimatum, after about 3 mos together, to quit. He said, it's me, or the job.

I COMPLETELY walked away from that life. He, on the other hand, did not.

5 yrs into my marriage, I found 100's of mags...lesbian, deviant, hard core, awful. I also found lots and lots of tapes...same stuff. Awful. Then, I found tokens for the peep shows, from all over the state..

phone bills for phone sex..

Did not matter that I was beautiful, willing, ready, yada yada sis-boom bada....

I have never really been able to trust this man. Here I am, on this siet, 22 yers later telling this story.

When I found his "stash" he PROMISED to quit.

Counseling? Are you kidding? There is nothing wrong, In his opinion, masturbating to porn. Deal with that, folks, after a time, they PREFER the conveinience of their own hand, the beautiful, hugely busted, blonde, tight butted women.

Those women make NO DEMANDS. ALWAYS READY, WILLING, TELLING THEM WHAT A STUD THEY ARE.

They don't ask for hugs, to take out the trash, pick the kids up from school, they imagine themselves, with the porn star, having sex with her.

And, by the way, he was a "regular" at the very same strip clubs I used to work in.

LADIES, I WILL TELL YOU THIS FROM ONE WHO "WORKED" IN THAT INDUSTRY:
YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR MAN IN THOSES PLACES..PERIOD. I DON'T GIVE A RATS PATOOTIE WHAT ANYONE WILL SAY IN DEFENSE OF GOING TO A STRIP CLUB.

My H has an adiction to porn, and it pre-dates our relationship. It has taken me YEARS to understand it isn't because of something I LACK.

My H "learned" porn from his dad. He told me his father ad a secret underground room to watch super 8 movies (my how technology has changed).

I wish he had inherited another attribute, like plumbing or carpentry...LOL.

He PUSHED for us to get a pc and internet many years ago...SWORE to me that it was for ANYTHING BUT VIEWING PORN...

Well, guess what? I purposefully have a nice, slow, dial-up connection, with nice, slow, old software and hardware.

Good for you folks who watch that stuff together...good for you folks who aren't broke-hearted because your SOPREFERS those perfect, sexy, dirty, and oh so willing images.

I had to get thast one out. I am not flaming. Maybe if someone reading this, "sees" themselves in my little piece here, maybe they will be considerate to their SO.

in regards to the perception of attractiveness to his or her spouse..i know some people who actually have less than perfect (physicly,according to the publicised standard)spouses and look at porn with less than perfect "models" overwieght women or what have you.

n regards to the perception of attractiveness to his or her spouse..i know some people who actually have less than perfect (physicly,according to the publicised standard)spouses and look at porn with less than perfect "models" overwieght women or what have you.

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in all honesty, when i viewed view porn, i prefer less than perfect types....it's just more realistic in my eyes.
the posing and making eyes etc. at the camera doesn't work for me either. i suppose i am more vouyeristic.

no, not everyone who enjoys porn covets the "perfect young body." But, it does make up the majority of porn so i imagine it's the most in demand....what most want.

it also seems to be 1 of the major issues @ what bothers 1 spouse @ the others porn viewing.
that and the fact that the spouse has a secret sex life and it is all focused on people other than your spouse.

My wife and I used to watch porn together. From what she told me, it was less seeing other mens' penises and moreso the arousal from watching the woman be pleasured. I viewed it the same way.

Up until about a month ago, I still watched/surfed it occasionally on my own. I would say at most once to twice a month for videos, and maybe 3 or 4 for online pictures. For me, it was more of a "release" for me since my wife hasn't been meeting my own sexual emotional need. I can honestly say that if that was met, I wouldn't view porn at all. If given the choice between her and porn, there would be no question, HER.

I was to a topless strip club twice in my life and the same club. Once before I was married and one for my bachelor's party. I can honestly say that I haven't been to one since I've been married. The only things that would prevent me from having the desire to go were if it would upset my wife, if I had the disposable income, knew of a reputable one nearby and if I were going with guy friends. Fortunately, all of those are short in supply for me right now and I honestly don't even think of strip clubs unless I hear the words, even then I don't really think about it much and it's not a problem for me.

As far as the porn goes though, ever since my wife told me that she's not "in love" with me, I've essentially separated myself from it. I've put the couple of videos that we have somewhere less readily accessible and avoid the temptation to view online pictures. She didn't ask me to do it and it's never been something that she's told me she has an issue with. I don't really know why I did it to be honest, just seemed like something I thought I should do. I guess maybe I didn't want to come to view it as a substitution for her, but at the same time now I don't have the release methods aside from my own mind and fantasies, which always involve her. I guess if I had a homemade porn video of just her, I would still watch it. I guess I"m just trying to do what I need to to keep her and only her on my mind, especially with any potential temptation of seeking my sexual emotional need fulfilled elsewhere that could be looming. Heck, I used to eye pretty women all the time, she knew it and never told me she was upset about it, just offered the playful slap every now and then, but she knew I was just taking in eye candy and nothing more. I've even begun resisting the urge to look at "eye candy" anymore. I purposefully avoid it.

So, mssanity... I wrote all of that so that you can understand porn from the view of a guy like myself. Having the desire to look at porn/women or go to strip clubs is definitely something that just about any guy is interested in just because of the nature of what we are (and of course the testosterone). But the old quote "all things in moderation" should apply. You can overindulge and become addicted to just about anything and too much of anything is rarely ever a good thing, especially if it takes precedence over loved ones and their feelings, etc.

So, I would sit and talk with your husband about it. Encourage non-judgemental honesty so that he has the courage to open up and be honest, but be prepared in case what he has to say hurts your feelings. Trust is something that has to be earned. I believe my wife trusts me because we've viewed it together and have been honest and straightforward with each other when the topic or questions come up. We know that sex is part of what human beings are. You do have every right to be angry if you disapprove, but bear in mind that the women in videos look more sexually appealing than a snarling spouse, so you could end up driving his porn habits more underground.

I'd encourage honest, open discussion about it. If you have the slightest bit of interest, ask if he would mind you joining him or watching with him. It may make him uncomfortable, or make him feel like that part of his private life has been invaded, but if it's something that you can do together, and maybe even act out on your own with each other who knows? For me, the idea of participating in and acting out a fantasy with my wife sounds far more appealing than watching someone else.

In regard to "right" or "wrong" or religion or whatever, even though I admit to watching/viewing it, I still don't think with my religious background that it's right. When I'm not needing a release, I actually feel sorry for those men and women. There's lovemaking and there's just sex. In porn it's just sex and the only thing that those people get out of it is money whether it be by need, greed, addiction or anything. Heck, I feel sorry for Hooters Girls.

I think both you and your husband should also discuss your religious and personal beliefs about the subject as well. Don't expect it to stop, but sometimes just planting the right seeds with the right conditions can germinate change.

I have to agree that it is cheating.

These women are prostituting themselves, selling a look or feel to sexually immature men. These men look at sex mainly on a physical level, and are seeking stimulation from complete strangers, without any emotional exchange or commitments. That is unhealthy.

The demeaning behavior of these women and their cynical attitudes toward their customers and themselves can only create in the men a low opinion of women.

[quote]It is cheating. /quote]

Thank you Thank you Thank you. My ex had this problem and denied it for years until I had physical proof. Then the excuse was "Every man does it" and I must have some problem.

If the spouse views it as a problem, it IS a problem and will fester in other areas.