It seems like I've told this story 100x's. I have been married for 15 years, my husband had an affair 3 years ago. I refuse to move forward. I keep making excuses not to trust him. We are very in love, have a happy life, when I let us. Most days are good, but if anything sets me off, I become very suspicious and will spy on him. I can usually find something and sometimes think it is more then nothing. It is true, you see what you want too. Well, I want to see the truth. Most recently my husband had a meeting out of town. I got up and he had forgotten his cell phone. I called his office, knowing he would stop there on his way out of town. A woman answered. Not unusual, but the time of day was odd to have someone there. I hung up. My husband came home 10 minutes later to get his phone, says he did stop at office to get credit card. I aske who was there, he said noone. Am I blind? Now he is angry because I won't move forward after 3 years. I have spied on him, pushed him away, done everything and come up with nothing solid. Only supersticions. I either want to move forward or get out. The problem is we start moving forward, he tries to do the steps and much of the time does a great job. Then other times he will come home late w/o calling, not meet my emotional needs. His job requires he be on call, and that schedule changes more then I can keep up with. That makes it hard for him to be reliable, which makes it hard for me to trust him. He doesn't see any of that. The question is after 3 years, should I let it all go and trust him or am I being stupid?

It is his job to regain your trust. Usually recovery takes 2 - 4 times as long as the A.

L.

How did you find out about the last affair?
How did it end?
Was is it a workplace affair?
How accountable is your husband for time and money?

The first time, I knew something was wrong. It had only been about 2 months of email, hours of cell phone calls and lunch breaks. Yes, it was at work. One night he came home, and I asked him what was going on. He went on about how distant I was, how consumed with work I was, blah blah. I said I see that, but there must be something more or you wouldn't be willing to give up on us. That is when he confessed to being "in love" with her. At first I was angry and wanted him gone. Then I begged him to stay. When he told me he didn't know what he wanted to do, I packed his bags for him. He then wanted me. For 2 weeks he played both sides again, I called him on carpet and was empatetic to what he was going through, but firm on what he had to do. 2 months later it started again. I never trusted him in that time, but it took me 3 months to catch him. I told him to leave and not look back. For 5 days he begged me to stay, said he only wanted me. I caved. I believe he loves me and I know I love him, but everyday I wonder if I made the right decision. Will he do it again? He left his job, took a huge pay cut. Now his job requires he be on call. Very spuratic and hard to handle the accountability. He swears he has been faithful for almost 3 years, but I can't move forward. Anyhow, probably more then you needed to know.

U need closure. Your H needs to give you closure. U need to discuss how he can make that happen.

I recommend a joint session with Steve or Dr. Harley.

L.