hi guys, just wanted to post about a really productive and calm week!!!! WHAT???? yup its true. finally i feel a bit of peace...and whats better is I feel like I've clutched that peace from the jaws of a beast!

had a busy week...started at the gym...best thing I could have done...worth every penny....

took the kids out all day on errands and fun stuff on thursday.

worked overtime this week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> extra $$$$ always puts a smile on. also got some huge accolades from the VP at work...great job...more responsibility stuff!!! team player/yada yada yada!!!

then had an uneventful kid swap on sat....WS asked about my plans...and would I meet for dinner. I just looked at her very very peaceful and calmly stated "you can't give me what I need right now" then hopped in the car and that was that. mostly I FEEL different. WS says same stuff everytime...old routine and its boring. I KNOW that any of my words are lost on a wayward, so I don't bother...I feel like plan B is finally sinking in...gosh, I always thought I was a quick study LOL!!!!

then one of my ex intermediaries called stating that WS wanted to talk...yeah right! AGAIN, I was very calm.....i simply stated "nothing has changed for me, L. I still need my conditions met, and WS is just not willing to do that. there is no purpose to this conversation, but if you would like to talk about something else that would be ok.

we chatted for a minute and then I went on about my day with no expectations of any further contact....and I had a great day. colored easter eggs with the kids...did some laundry...caught up on must see TV...then did the easter baskets before bed.

I feel so in control of myself...my life....it is very peaceful. I hope it lasts!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Congratulations on a great week. It sounds like your responses were perfect (and very strong). I'm glad to hear that things are going well!

OK...this is weird........I still feel ok....
not much drama....one phone call from ws about the kids...all of them are snotting green junk and running temps. need to take them to the doctor.

as WS and I were discussing appointment and who was going to take time off to take them, she just simply said "I miss you" I just said "I am not interested in having this discussion, I will take DS8 to the doctors tomorrow, goodbye." and hung up the phone. and I was calm....NO REACTION!!! I feel like jumping up and down....
WOOO-HOOO!!!!

I am not upset, I am not crying, I still feel in control....can someone tell me what the heck is happening???? I guess I don't understand myself even. I think I still love her. Maybe this boundary stuff is sinking in.

either that or I am really close to losing it again. I had a good week, I kind of expected the other shoe to fall, y'know? it always does....well, I guess there's no use in spoiling a good thing. I am going to enjoy it while it lasts....everybody cross their fingers and toes and appendages for me that it holds out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm cross-eyed for ya, fighting!

I just hear you knowing that you are in control of your reactions. That is great! You did a good job of stopping the conversation. 'I miss you' is definitely not enough. Hey, can you do VM's instead of 'talking'. Hearing your voice is probably meeting some need for her in lalaland.

You know that what goes up must come down, but your downs will be much more shallow now, so don't fret that other shoe. What more could happen, seriously, to destroy your faith or separate you from your foundation? I think the worst is done, so the other shoe fell some time ago, but you couldn't hear it.

May your strength continue, fighting. May the force be with you, as my DS would say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

thanks silent.....

but can you see with your eyes crossed:)

TM's...lets see...I live in a rocky section of NH...very bad cell reception...so I send a TM....it gets there maybe 2-4-8hrs later, maybe sometimes even the next day. could be a combo between cheap phones and bad service....it just has proven to be unreliable. WS and I have had huge misunderstandings "I sent you a text" "oh, yeah, sure you did"..then I get it a day later.

the other thing is that I was spendng so much time thinking about avoiding contact that it was making me obsess more about WS. now that I have accepted the fact that we may have to speak breifly, and have found some success with strengthening my boundaries, I feel better equiped to control MY environment. and not worry so much about her attempts at breaking me. I just make a plan....if I need to talk about kid swaps and stuff, I do most of that with email. but when the kids are sick I accept a brief phone call, things turn and I respectfully decline to continue.

it seems to work, its less stress, and I am focused on what is important. I also feel that my kids are reacting positively to the calm that has come over the house. I like that. I have pretty much finished the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.....I am wondering if that is where I am getting additional strength.

the thing that gets me is....the more calm I am, the more WS wants to "talk"....she is afraid of my emotions...so the less I fall apart, the more she wants back in....only now, I am not going to let her weasle around! finally! amen!

I also made a god box with the kids...and finally gave up WS to God...He has his work cut out for Him!!!!
I really feel inside that I have released myself form being responsible for her.....I feel freed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Well, you have found your own way in the Plan B. That's good. I am proud of you, you are learning, and that can only help you in the future. You sound so much more in control and focused. I'm happy for you. We're here for your down days as well as your good ones.

Congrats on hitting your stride!

I'm happy for you, FB! It sounds like great progress and that you're moving from a strong place to an even stronger one. Figuring out how to do the contact while maintaining your boundaries is really important, and only you can figure out what the best way is. Everyone's situation is a little different.

very, very busy week so far.

MIL had the kids on mon...all three with fevers, stuffy nose, colds...she could not take them to the doctors because she has panic disorder and just wasn't able to manage it.

so yesterday I had to drag all 3 out to the doctors....DS3 and DD5 both have strep, DD5 also has scarlet fever. DS8 has a recurrent sinus infection and now we are talking tonsils, he may need them out. ugh!
what a day to be a single parent.

worse thing is tonight DD5 is covered in this deep red rash, cannot even swallow, looks like a dish rag, and I am supposed to pack them up to go to WS's one bedroom apart. and DD5 starts crying....please mama....I just want to stay home....please can't I stay home?

so I caved, told WS that she could stay at the house seeing as none of the kids wanted to go to the 'love shack' and because they were all so sickly. I am at work overnight, so I didn't really have to see her. and the kids are more comfortable at home in their own beds. I also made a point of telling her that this would not become a habit and she was only there for the purpose of the kids.

I feel ok though, I think I handled things pretty well. I am sad today. just really realizing what its going to be like doing this pretty much on my own. I know I can do it and do it well. but its still a bit scary.

hi guys....
the kids are better this week, thank goodness.
I had a great time last friday, went out with some friends.
went to the redsox game and to dinner and a club afterwards......haven't done that in years!!!!

got lots off attention from men and women. innocent flirtations at the most. it felt so good to be desired. hmmmmm......sighs!!!

makes me feel lonely now. but more clear on what I want out of a partner. not missing W at all!!!! crazy I know...I feel like a switch has been flipped. maybe its the working plan B, but I don't know.

I keep thinking about how skewed my reality was. I thought since WS needed me so much that she had to love me. not neccessarily true. needing does not equal loving. why was I satisfied with being needed for so long??? because I was too afraid....afraid to be alone, afraid i would not be loved....well, I was not loved the way I needed to be anyway. so much for that.....what a waste of all that worrying.

time really flies when your having fun. I can't believe its about 2 months since I started to be consistent with my plan B.

WS has come to taking OP and the kids out every friday and sunday now. DS8 called OP his "favorite person" (because she has a dog and he loves dogs) LOVELY! then she ends up asking me to keep the kids at home on sun nights(her night). because she wants to have "alone time" to unwind before the week starts. yeah, right. wretching.

I seem to be taking this crap a bit better. I am unsure what that means. that I am accepting OP into the lives of my kids. accepting that this will be my new reality?? or that I am actually relieved that WS is occupied so I don't have to think about all the pain I will need to endure to allow her a chance back in my life.

ugh.....my mind is spinning today. I have whined about getting a lawyer many times, but have yet to actually put up the money to do it. am unsure why....maybe I'm afraid that will push her even more then she will become angry and difficult again. that is my pattern in life. inaction because I am afraid of WS's reaction to my actions. i really have to get up enough nerve, courage, balls to get that done. it is a neccessity now.....I hate that. I hate that things will start to get messy.

all the while things are unsettled gives WS the impression that i am still "on hold" for her. this thought disgusts me. I deserve better. I deserve more.

can anyone lend me their balls???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

You have to think ONLY of what is best for you and the kids. Your WS's reaction is irrelevant.

I got a lawyer when I felt that my WH was gone for good. I made the decision to protect myself and my son. The decision had nothing to do with WH.

Your WS may get difficult, but what does that really matter? Set up visitation, do what you have been doing, and quietly resume your regularly scheduled life.

Some lawyers will give free consultation, so you might get a better idea of your options. What is it you hope to accomplish with a lawyer?

I would loan you mine (not lawyer), but I seem to have misplaced them.

I'm glad to hear you sounding so strong and determined and together. You're doing great.

(((FB)))

yup, I am there....my only hindrance to moving forward would be fear of WS freaking out because in her mind, I would be removing "her" option of coming back. she doesn't want any taste of her reality. and me legalizing anything will essentially be stuffing reality in her face.


I am clear on my motivations. I am NOT doing this to get a reaction from her. I am NOT doing this to punish her. I want a life for me. I want stability for me and my children. I want clarity. I want separation from WS, regardless of the venom that will be spewed my way. just have got to get out my acid repellant cloak to protect myself. any minute that little creature could bust its way out of her chest!!!


sdg....thanks...if you can find them...LOL

maybe I need to grow some of my own....I bet chrisner has a great recipe <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

sdg...missed this before...I never have secured guardianship for the children....so thats #1 priority. I have to give her legal guardianship over the 2 children I gave birth to (DD5 and DS3), and she will need to give me the same for DS8. that way NH legal system will look at us both as equal parents to all three kids. I have talked about this before but as I said previously any action like this from me will be viewed as a push from WS. I have been taking the path of least resistance. avoidance...denial

I also would like to know what the law will do for me under the circumstances. with custody, child support. I carry insurance for all 5 of us. I also have questions about the house. I really want to be able to have some real distance with this whole thing.

its kind of hard, because to me....this would be the equivalent of a divorce. child custody and division of property. thats it. those are our only legal ties. I am not holding out for much. my WS would have to do a total 360 degree turn, essentially change everything about herself in order for me to reconsider going through any more of this garbage.

again she sent an email asking me to spend the weekend together with the kids. I am not triggered. I don't even care at this point. it means nothing to me. words, words, words. she is spewing the same things. I am tired of being afraid. I have missed out on so much of my life sitting here in this house holding her hand because she was so afraid of everything. I thought this was love. but it wasn't. all these years I thought it was. denial was such a glorious place. but I would never chose to go back!

sigh.........I am just deflated today.

feeling very sad today. plan B is going so well, that I don't even miss WS. I keep trying to figure myself out. why am I ok all of a sudden. I know I am not but I keep waiting to start missing her again. when I see her for kid swaps...nothing....no butterflies...no anxiety....no distress. just nothing. am I really over it....no, but what is it I am feeling?

starting to doubt my love for her. did I ever? did she ever? what was the draw? losing hope for my M. if I don't believe anymore then we are totally sunk. I look at all the B's that have been at this for YEARS and I feel a bit like I'm giving up. why me, why have I lost my belief in her.

I feel like I have put up with so much emotional abuse. I always put my needs last. gave everything I had, but I was not truly happy. I have never even admitted to myself that I was unhappy. now that she has left me for dead I feel like I finally have the reason I have been waiting for to leave and never look back. in my heart thats what I feel I want, but I am too afraid. I sit in limbo because I am too afraid to take back my life. and I am too afraid to go back. she has given me no reason to believe she wants to change....and i don't really believe she will. so why on earth I am sitting here trying like the devil to hold onto this fading love. my kids? yup ...probably the only reason right now.

my biggest fear is that I will squander this opportunity by giving WS a chance back in...and then I will never be able to leave....wont be strong enough....and I will be trapped in an emotionally abusive R again.

Fighting, it's quite early in Plan B. What you are talking about sounds like detachment, but you still have contact with WS. She is still able to ask you to come 'hang out' with her and the kids, she is still being allowed to eat cake. Hearing her voice removes love from your heart, seeing her does the same, because she still exists in your eyes and in your life and continues to betray and hurt you, and you have front row seats.

You have got to find ways to shut her out, keep her away. You are losing love, little by little. That is what it sounds like.

Get legal counsel, and get stuff set in a more solid state. Visitation, custody, child support. Your kids deserve to KNOW what is happening to them, too. You must kick in to mama bear mode and begin to protect them.

If you follow these principles, fighting, you WILL be strong enough.

FB,

Get with the legal stuff ASAP. Protect yourself and your children first and foremost from WW and POS OP. IF she were to ever truly get it then divorce papers are simply that, a piece of paper nothing more.

Don't worry about her reaction just do it!

It sounds like that there are things you don't know about your legal situation, so you should get with a lawyer ASAP to get that info (if you haven't already done it). That will likely stimulate some other things you want to do.

You've known all along that a possible outcome of Plan B is that you won't want WW back. If that happens, it won't be your fault. You have done everything as well as you possibly could, and the actions that need to be taken aren't yours, so stop worrying about it. Besides, you're not to the point where you need to make any decisions yet. You're still early in Plan B. Protect yourself from contact with WW--you may not feel like it triggers you, but the fact that it doesn't feel like a trigger (and the worry you experience) is its own kind of trigger.

Dark dark dark!

sdg....you've hit the nail on the head. I appreciate all the support and I want you to know I have been DARK...only rare emails.....and talk about kids only....no real face to face. ...but yes there are opportunities for the inappropriate offers to dinner and such via email.

my main point is....you other Bees seem to really miss your WS's the people they used to be before A, like "my H was a good loving person...we had issues but H is someone I want to be with."

Me, not so much feeling that way. I am starting to feel like "thank God she cheated, i never would have had the [email]B@lls[/email] to stand up and say I was not happy." I settled...not for someone who was less than perfect, but for anyone...she wanted to be with me and that was enough. I couldn't NOT be in a relationship so I was in one. not with the person of my dreams but with the person of the moment.

I wanted to get Married...have a commitment ceremony....she never did...said it was the money...and it wouldn't be legal anyway. but I always felt like [email]cr@p[/email] about it. like i wasn't good enough.

I am really getting honest with myself...and its not too much fun...I am realizing that if I had taken time before my R to search my soul and figure myself out, I may never have been with WS.

my IC is helping me address these personal issues. It is so scary. It is very sad to feel nothing for WS...i have been consistently feeling this way for weeks. and I know its early in plan B...I just don't believe it matters anymore to me. and thats pretty sad.

doesn't feel like triggers anymore...feels like acceptance of a place i am going...I can't even say I would be divorced...

i do need a lawyer though.....still dragging my feet on that one...probably more denial....ugh!!!

well everyone...........been a while since an update.

plan B has been pretty boring. i've been takin good care of myself. sticking close to the kids. staying out of the line of fire. the more removed I get, the more crazy WS is. but i expect it now. know how to distance from her crazyness.

been reading up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder...makes me want to vommit. its her...tenfold. from what i have read it will take yrs of counseling for behavior changes. and thats if she is willing to identify it and seek help. no guarantee there.

Pretty much given up on the idea of reconciliation. I know its still a distant possibility but not a real probability. I am kind of OK with it. Disappointed. Discouraged. But I am really getting to know myself. My needs. My wants. My life. I am taking hold with both hands. Doing a lot of learning. Growing. Feeling really good for the first time in a long time. Good about me, my life, my choices. No longer controlled by the whims of WS. The desires of WS. The instructions of WS. WS…WS…WS… I was saturated. Now I am freed. Whew!!!!

Anyhoot see y’all around the Bee threads. Not much more to say here.