This is to all the members of this board. I write it because I hope that tonight my wife and I can get our Content Protect program to work so I won’t be able to get to this site. I know it bugs my wife that I post here because she thinks it can lead to an affair. It also bugs her because she feels I might become addicted and neglect her and my family. Judging from my current use of the board, I fully agree with her second fear, but not her first. After all, let’s see, I’m a what…tobacco addict, alcoholic, sex addict, OTC drug addict and I am probably addicted to other stuff. I know that this site is becoming addictive, and it hurts because I like to post and hopefully be of help. I know reading all of your posts is of help to me.
I just wanted to say a few things. First to all of you betrayed spouses. WOW! It constantly amazes me the lengths you go through to save your marriages. I can’t tell you how special I think you guys are. What impresses me is not that you love your wayward spouse enough to save the marriage, although staying with someone who ripped your heart out is impressive enough. What impresses me is your commitment to Plan A and Plan B. I guess I can understand a little because I don’t think I would want to separate if my wife were actively in an affair. But the depth of love and commitment it must take for those of you who are or were betrayed is almost incomprehensible. It takes a super special person to endure an active and ongoing affair, yet still seek to keep the marriage together.
I don’t want to take anything away from those betrayed spouses whose wayward spouse ends the affair, or has already ended an affair, at the time of disclosure or even shortly thereafter. To choose to put up with the wayward spouses withdrawal from the other person is incredibly courageous. Choosing to stay with your wayward spouse after they have committed such a heinous act against you, your family, your marriage and themselves is awe inspiring. These show a depth of love and commitment that I wish I had exhibited instead of turning to cybersex. I can’t say enough about how incredible I believe you guys are.
My second thought is this. Wayward spouses, if you are still in the throws of adultery, I pray that you will see the devastation that your selfish act is causing your spouse, children, family and yourself. I have been there and what you are getting out of the illicit relationship is nowhere near worth what you have/can have with your real family if you commit to being open, honest and a real participant in your spouse’s healing, your own healing and the healing of your relationship. Everytime you turn to someone other than your spouse to meet the needs your spouse is supposed to meet, you die a little more. Stop the dying process and return to the living.
My third thought is this. To all the former wayward spouses on the board I say that you folks are also pretty awesome. Perhaps it’s a little self serving for me to say that even though you and I made a horrendous mistake, it’s a sign of our own character and honor that we have recognized the mistake(s) and are taking steps to make amends. Much of the time I tell myself “Yeah, so what. The amends would be unnecessary if I had done the right thing in the first place. I am doing nothing special here, just my duty.” The reality is, though, that there are many people who never make it to the amends stage. I have known many people who, for whatever reason, can’t seem to accept responsibility for their own actions and, consequently, never recognize the pain they have caused.
You guys are equally as courageous and loving as your spouse. It’s hard to take a look at the evil we cause, do the work to find out why and then make changes to protect our loved ones and ourselves. It’s hard to know the shame and self-loathing that we all feel once we come to our senses. In some of our cases, it’s hard not to simply take a gun and end our pain. It’s hard to stay and face the devastated heart and eyes of our spouses when they discover our treachery or during the period they ask the hard questions. It’s hard to live with not only the pain we have felt because of our own shame, but also the pain of knowing how horribly we hurt another person who should be, and probably is, our heart and soul. It’s hard to know that we can be the kind of person we turned into.
The fact that you stay and face all these horrible things to try and save your marriage and family shows a real depth of love and character that many people do not have. The fact that you are willing to take the responsibility of being the single most important healing agent in your betrayed spouse’s life speaks volumes about who your real love is.
I guess what I am trying to say, and poorly so, is that just as the betrayed spouse deserves admiration for their faithfulness and love, you truly former wayward spouses who have faced the truth and are working to heal those you have wounded (including yourself) are just as worthy of admiration in my opinion.
Ok, one final thing. I have learned much from all of you. You are a special group of people who have walked through ******, or are walking through ******, and are willing to help others walk through the same ****** and come out whole on the other side.
Bottom line, I wanted to find a way to express to you all how much I think of you and admire you. I hope I have accomplished that without offending anyone. Hopefully, I won’t be able to post after this. If I do, hit me with a 2x4.
God bless.
