So I have been seperated 9 months operating off a very week LSA, which on paper gave me every other weekend and 2 days a week visitation.. in reality I had 80% of their time. each week.... So we were scheduled for 2 full days of trial this week Thur-Fri. Went to court on Thursday to find out her attorney's kids had the stomach flu..... so we didn't start until Friday and we would have to finish the second day up on another day on the courts calendar..... So friday we started the trial of our lives.

Friday - first on the stand was a friend of my WW's... known her 9 years seen and heard everything my WW has said and done... She presented a great picture of my wayward, calling her a cameleon - changing her identity to match the group she was hanging out with it was very powerful testimony. Then I got on the stand for an hour and half and then got crossed by her lawyer... can we say throwing things up to see what sticks.... which nothing did.

So we we break for lunch and come back at 2 to finish with another former friend of her's - who is our church's secretary, her former boss at a church pre-school, and a 10 year neighbor of ours.... well we sit down at 2pm waiting for the judge, then the lawyer's are summoned to the judges chamber's. I turned aroun to my sister who flew out from washington state to watch all this and told her, the judge is calling the case... I said its probably over... 40 minutes later my lawyer comes back and pull's me into a small room and said that the judge wants this ended, wants to start out with 50/50 custody..... which is what I asked her for 9 months ago... So she is a bit devistated... fantasy land came crashing down on her, she was wanting full custody so she could control and manipulate me, now we have a fair plan from the courts that I don't have to worry about her pulling any crap on me....

That is such GREAT news. Lots of folks have been wondering what happened. Now you can relax a little.

Hey, our MB dads are doing fine in court!

I am not saying congrats because I am sure that you are not celebrating the end of your marriage. I just want to say that it's good news that your parental rights are being upheld.

That's great, Vike. Congratulations on getting the custody agreement you wanted.

Well my lawyer and a bunch of people at church are laying odds that I will have full custody in about 3-5 months because she is going to start spiraling faster now, whole weeks without the kids is going to really sink in.

Almond... at this point and with the things I have learned here its not about the lost of the marriage that I am celebrating its the gaining of dignity and self worth and the feelind of the anchor coming off around my neck. So I am celebrating alright its good to be feeling better

Vike,

Great news! I was worried about you!

I am glad you got the custody agreement you were looking for. IS this a temporary court order? If so, is there anything in there a clause in there to keep non relatives or AFFAIR PARTNERS from being around the girls? I hope so. This will put a kink in her a little affair logistics.

Viking,

I am sad you are in this club of ours...but glad that things turned out right. Seems like lately...the good guys have been winning!

That is wonderful and I am happy for you.

I wasn't sure what to say. I am happy that you have gained partial custody but I didn't want to sound insensitive.

Good to hear Viking

Godspeed

Stick around..your experience and perspective are quite valuable around here.

Your post to Eph the other day was brilliant (the one about looking at the Judge and being aware the Judge is watching you for hostility)

Mr. Wondering

So I think the judge stopped it because she didn't want to hear from my wife, I honestly think she protected my wife from a very bad scene on the stand. It is a temporary order but it has language about no overnights with opposite sex.

I make enought to keep going back to the courts every six months to get more custody.

There are a lot of lesson's that can be learned from this when I get a chance I will post them

Congrats Viking

Congrats, Viking...I remember posting to you when you were going through initial separation...It is SO CRITICAL to have AT LEAST 50/50 custody from day 1 of separation, since the STATUS QUO is SO IMPORTANT, plus to document it in a journal in handwritten ink.

That is what I did in my D 7 years ago, and I got 50/50.

Regarding what will happen in 5 months...You may be right, but don't let it go to your head...My 50/50 lasted almost 2.5 years before my XW decided that she wanted to have a carefree lifetstyle and take a job that required a lot of travel...Eventually I got full custody, but in the meantime, remember the following:

(1) This is not JUST about you. The KIDS deserve 2 parents equally...

(2) As a parent, you need to continue to respect your XW as a parent who should have an opportunity to continue HER parenting role, even if she was responsible for breaking up the marriage and started out on the wrong foot during the divorce.

(3) Your XW may suddenly clean up her act with respect to responsible parenting, if she realizes the impact of missing being with her children.

(4) Every time you go back to court to modify custody, it may create more stress on the children and more stress on the parents, which rubs off on the children.

(5) For healthy co-parenting, regardless of your XW's behavior in the coming months, you need to be a ROCK and I would recommend being as GOOD OF A PARENT, don't poison the children's minds towards their mom, as SUPPORTIVE as possible of the kids and their needs to see BOTH PARENTS, FLEXIBLE AS POSSIBLE with respect to sharing and exchanging custody, provided the children maintain stable lifestyle and regular schooling.

(6) When the status quo DOES change, gladly offer to pick up where your XW leaves off by increasing your custody if she asks you to fill in more and more days beyond 50/50. Let things go like this for a year and see where it settles out. 6 months is too brief. In my case, I let my XW have the traveling job, agreed to 10 days out of 14 with the kids, and even beyond that kept the kids on the 4 day weekends she was off work because she traveled out of state to see a bf, or went on mini-vacations all the time with him. After 1.5 years, I went back to court with a journal full of documented 97 percent custody. There was NO DISPUTE at all, and at that point, NO TURNING BACK.

(7) Don't resent your role as the full time parent if that is how it turns out...Resentment will make YOU tired and any attitude will rub off on your kids, which you don't want. With 50/50 custody or with full time parenting, you will be very tired at times. You will find it hard to put in as many hours at work as you used to, you will have to take partial days off for kid-related things. But what is important is the BIG PICTURE...the balance of your life and the balance of your children's lives is that you maintained a GOOD home for them to ensure their security and healthy development for the future.

(8) Meanwhile, enjoy doing activities, but don't spread yourself too thin...you are in this for the long haul, not to be a hero in the first year of full time parenting. Heal yourself from the recent events, plan for the future, and enjoy the present with your kids.

I am happy for you. I know how tough it is for us dads in court... so the outcome is never to be assumed. You have fought for your kids... and I can tell you that is the greatest gift they will ever get.

Excellent advice COL......

I will say that there are times whereby the Wayward is not capable of being a positive influence on the children through their actions, behavior, words, etc and it is at those times that I say that the more responsible parent has to assume the hard role of protector even if it means limited or no contact with the wayward (albeit if legal).

Hopefully these cases are rare and that even the most lost wayward can come out of the fog long enough to be a decent parent to their children and to protect and promote their interests ahead of their own (although all cannot do this).

Glad to hear that things worked out for you, but I can't say I'm suprised since some of the things your WW was doing was just plain neglect of her children....the terrible conditions of her house for example.

All you can do right now is be there for your kids.

Col... good advice for some... not for others. A mother/father needs to earn the respct that comes with that title. I can tell you from first hand experinece that sometimes it is in the childs best interests to have little to no contact with the non custodial parent. In my case, I allow a minimum of contact because I am not subjecting my son to his moms craziness. In fact, to counselors have suggested isolating him from his mother.
So, a parent always needs to be on guard for threats to the childs well being... even if that threat is from a parent.

I am not aware of your sich. My advice was for Viking only because every case is different.

In my case, there were reasons my XW was a bad influence on my kids even when we were still married. However, despite her not being an ideal parent, the kids had an established bond with her and they deserve SOME contact unless they she is an immediate threat to life and health of the children.

...Somehow I am not suprised at your blunt disagreement based on your previous posts where you don't really acknowledge two sides to any story.

I sincerely hope your negotiating skills in relationships don't come off equally blunt, since it would help to acknowledge the positive aspects of other's opinions as well as point out areas that you disagree.

Blunt disagreement. I disagree. I said your advice was good for some and not others. Two sides. And life and health are not the only considerations. Menatl well being is very important too and I hope you are considering that when you make your decisions. I consulted with family, friends and counsleors before making my decision. And BTW, the judge is the one that awarded me full legal and custodial custody over matters of mental well being.

I sincerely hope that your listening skills are better than your reading comprehension since I acknowledged the value of your view in some situations.

I guess I would need an example to really understand what constitutes behavior that threatens "mental well being".

If you would supply some detail, that would be helpful. The reason is that there are many divorcing parents who are in it to "win" and who just want validation that "they are the better parent" and in doing so, intentionally cutoff the children from contact. My point was to avoid encouraging such behavior without consideration for the bond of the children and the effect of breaking that bond.

To help other parents who may be in a borderline predicament, it would be interesting to hear some examples.

My reading comprehension is not a relationship skill, btw. I made 8 points, not all of which pertain to trying to go for 100 percent custody ASAP. You expressed disagreement with the totality of what I wrote "for others", which comes off as blunt.

lying to a child on a consistent basis.

engaging in sexual activity in a manner that could and did expose the child to the act.

asking the child to participate in the lies being told.

three examples of things that happened to my son.

And I agreed with your post in its entirety for some and not for others. See, some parenst try way too hard to keep an abusive and harmful spouse in theor childs life. While others use children as a pawn when there is no reason for either parent to be denied time with the child.

And as far as your post... the only thing I had issue with for some people was the "bond" point. Just because there is a bond does not mean it is in the childs best interest to have it continued. Some bonds are very unhealthy for children and that goes beyond physical and health issues.